


Changing Lives

by ineedcoffee



Category: Twilight
Genre: F/M, New Moon AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-02-25
Updated: 2010-06-11
Packaged: 2017-10-07 13:35:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 123,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/65642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ineedcoffee/pseuds/ineedcoffee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five years have passed since Edward left Bella in the woods. Both Bella and the Cullens' have experienced great tragedy since they last saw each other, but what happens when they meet again, and what is the meaning of the prophecy? Bella OOC. BxJas</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Numb

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Rated M for a reason. Violence, language, graphic drug use, suicidal themes, and eventual lemons.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters. Stephanie Meyers owns all rights. I just like taking them out to play.

_I'm novocaine, I'm numb and nothing's real _– _Numb_ By Pink

I jumped awake, terrified by the bloodcurdling scream. It was several moments before I realized that the screaming was coming from me and it abruptly stopped. My entire body shook as I tried to shake off the remnants of my dream. I wished I could burn the images from my mind. My nightmares had plagued me for years starting with Edward leaving me. Tragedy after tragedy had plagued me and only added to my nightmares. It was only in the last year that I had finally started to grow out of them.

I concentrated on my meditation techniques and slowly reigned in my emotions until I could feel nothing. I looked over at the clock. Six in the morning. Two hours of sleep wasn't enough. Although the nightmares were nothing like they used to be, I still avoided sleep as much as was physically possible.

Finally I got out of bed and pulled on a t-shirt and shorts. I quickly laced up my running shoes and set out on the running path behind my house.

Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left.

I concentrated on the sound of my shoes slapping against the forest path clearing my mind of everything else. It was a soothing rhythmic sound.

I'd never been much for sports or physical activity, but over the years since high school, I'd outgrown much of my clumsiness and exercise had become essential to my life. As I ran, the rest of the world melted away. My past melted away. My memories melted away and my emotional pain was replaced with a delicious physical ache in my muscles.

I was still a bit underweight, looked sleep deprived, and had an unhealthy pallor, but my muscles were in shape and I had grown up so my body looked good if you could look past the negatives.

I frowned as I neared the end of the 10 mile loop. It was always over too quickly. I'd been debating adding some length to the forest trail, but it was a lot of work to do. I walked around my yard as I cooled down, squinting in the bright morning sun. It was rarely sunny in Warrensburg, NY, so I should appreciate it, but it mostly just irritated me. I stretched my warm muscles and then went through my yoga routine.

When I finally finished my daily exercise regimen, I went into the house and looked at the clock. It was only 8:30. I grabbed a bagel and looked around my small house to find something to pass the time. It was actually a small hunting cabin that had been abandoned for years, but I saw potential in it when I saw that it was for sale. I'd done a lot of renovations on it in the six months that I'd owned it. Most people that used to know me would have laughed if they knew I now spent my time on home improvements. I got a great sense of satisfaction with every project I finished. It was something new and something I was surprisingly good at. It also kept me busy.

I took a quick inventory of the projects I was working on and got to work which put me into a much better mood. I spent the next several hours enjoying the sun while I stained my new kitchen cabinets. According to the weather man, there was a zero percent chance of rain for the next two days, so I knew I'd be able to let them dry outside. I worked methodically and meticulously as I tried to ignore everything but the task at hand.

I'd been feeling a sense of dread that had been increasing over the last week. I just felt like something major was going to be changing. I no longer did very well with change. I liked my routines. They helped me feel stable. As much as I tried to ignore my feelings as I worked, it was always in the back of my mind.

Finally finished up and cleaned up my supplies. I hopped in the shower and enjoyed the feeling of my tense muscles relaxing as the warm water flowed over me. Unfortunately the hot water didn't last more than seven minutes. The water heater was going to need to be replaced very soon. It would have to be done before winter, but as it was still August I still had time for that. When the water turned cold I quickly rinsed the rest of the shampoo out of my hair and got out of the frigid water. I wrapped myself in my big fluffy robe as I dried my hair. I'd recently gotten a haircut so it was much shorter than I was used to and dried much quicker as well. It was shoulder length with layers that added body and style without having to actually do anything with it.

I decided to try to get some sleep so I set the timer on the coffee pot, set the bedroom alarm and lay down, trying to empty my mind. Eventually the alarm went off without my having fallen asleep. I continued to lay there as I listened to the incessant beeping of the alarm clock and counted along with the beeps. It was a while before I could bring myself to expend the necessary energy to actually turn off the alarm, but by then it had turned itself off. I remained in bed for a while relishing the silence.

Finally, knowing I was going to be late for work, I dragged myself out of bed. Before doing anything else, I poured myself a large cup of coffee and added some flavored creamer. The timed coffee maker was probably my best friend, though I had avoided getting up so long that it had turned itself off and the coffee was merely lukewarm. I quickly downed half the cup.

As I got ready for work, I listened to my iPod, selecting some angry music. I didn't really enjoy my job and I often wondered why I kept going back, but it was essentially the only contact I had with the outside world. I put on a pair of skinny jeans and the tight t-shirt that was my uniform in the club. I took a final look in the mirror. I looked tired with deep circles under my eyes but sufficiently disguised them with concealer. I nodded at myself in the mirror, satisfied I was fit to be seen in public. I grabbed my bag and took off for work, already half an hour late.

I parked behind _Midnight_ and sighed as I thought of the long night of waiting tables I had to look forward to. As I opened the back door, I started getting that tingling sensation of being watched. I looked around and couldn't see anything. I felt cold dread start to seep into my veins, a feeling of foreboding, but nothing happened and I finally went inside.

I heard my boss Jimmy stomping down the dark hallway and sighed as I prepared myself for yelling.

"Bella! You are so lucky we're short staffed tonight or you would be out of a job. I know you don't care about this job, but for my sake, could you at least pretend?" Jimmy yelled.

"No, Jimmy, I don't think I can," I remarked.

He paused and looked me over before coming over to me and putting his arm around my shoulders. "You looked tired, girl. Are you really okay, Bella?" he asked quietly. We had a love/hate relationship that worked well for us. We did actually care about each other, but we usually fought a lot and usually most of our communication was shouted.

"Yeah. I've been having a rough week, but I'm doing just fine," I responded.

"You know I could make you feel better," he said as he leered at me. His eyes slowly trailed down my body.

"Jimmy, do I need to give your wife a call?" I asked sweetly. She knew he slept around, actually, she did as well, but she would still be pretty pissed.

He smirked at me. "I doubt she would mind. She'd probably ask if she could join us."

Yeah, knowing her as well as I did, she probably would. I rolled my eyes at him and dropped my bag in his office. I grabbed my serving apron and began tying it around my waist. As I stepped back out of the office, I felt my ass being pinched. I turned and glared at Jimmy who had the decency to look ashamed…although it may have been more a look of fear. I had a bit of a reputation with guys who don't keep their hands to themselves. "I know you're my boss, Jimmy, but so help me…" I let my sentence trail off and he held up a hand to stop me.

"My apologies, Bella, but you have to admit you have a really nice ass," he said.

"Jimmy, that was a really fucked up apology, but yes, I do have a nice ass," I responded as I shook my ass and walked away.

I greeted my coworkers and then started my rounds to my section of tables. I joked and flirted with the frat boys. I laughed with a table of young mothers who were relieved to be out for a night on the town without the kids. I brought drinks and bar food to my customers. The same thing I did every day. Day after day. What kind of life was this? I wasn't sure why it was hitting me especially hard tonight, but I was getting more and more depressed as the night went on, but I continued to joke and laugh and maintain my carefully constructed façade.

"Bella!" yelled Liz from right behind me just as the music paused between songs. I jumped dumping my tray of beers down the front of my shirt. I glared at her playfully as she rushed to get a towel for me. She had a horrified expression on her face as she tried to pat down my shirt. I couldn't stay mad at her.

"Bella, I'm so sorry," she gushed.

"Hey Liz, relax. It was an accident," I said trying to sooth her. "What did you need?"

"Did you see them? Three gorgeous guys, although one of them is here with someone," she said with a dreamy look on her face.

"No I haven't seen them, but look at that blush!" I teased. "Too bad you have a boyfriend."

"Yeah," she responded looking truly upset by that fact. I just laughed at her and shook my head.

"Hey, can you do me a favor and watch my tables for a couple minutes while I take a quick break? I'll just be a minute or two," I asked before she could walk away. She nodded. I stopped at the bar to tell the bartender that I needed replacement drinks and then I quickly headed for the back door before I could get stopped by anyone.

I took a pack of cigarettes out of my apron and lit one up. I could feel the relief in my body as the nicotine hit my bloodstream. I only smoked at work. I wasn't sure why that was, but I just didn't crave them when I was at home.

"Don't you know that smoking will give you lung cancer?" I heard from someone standing in the shadows. I took several steps toward the person and picked up on his crimson eyes. My mouth spread into a wide smile.

"Garrett!"

He grinned at me and stepped out of the shadows. "Bella, dear. Seriously, you'll end up getting lung cancer. How have you been?" he asked in a teasing tone. I could see some concern in his eyes as he looked me over, but he covered it well.

"It would be a miracle if I lived long enough to get lung cancer," I joked in response to his first question. "I've been fine, Garrett," I said. I steadied myself from the swift stab of pain in my chest thinking of the last time we had met. "How have you been?" I asked to change the subject.

Garrett regarded me carefully before responding, "I've been fine, but you have not been taking care of yourself, Bella. You are far from fine. You look like you're in better shape than the last time I saw you, actually you're getting quite toned, but I can see you haven't been eating or sleeping."

I scowled at him. "I'm doing just fine. I'm still here aren't I?" I snapped angrily. "No thanks to you," I mumbled, forgetting for a moment the sensitivity of his hearing.

With that reminder, his face fell. I could see he was debating what to say next, so I quickly changed the subject.

"What are you doing here?" I inquired. "It's been a while." We'd met the previous year. He'd saved me from being assaulted in an alleyway late one night after work. We'd gotten to talking and I think he'd found me amusing. I'm the fucking vampire pet.

"I didn't know you worked here until I caught a hint of your scent inside. I'm in town visiting my friends that just bought a new house just outside the city," he said with a smile. "You'll like them."

I cocked my eyebrows at that. "You say that as though I'll be meeting them," I said, making it sound more like a question.

"Of course, Bella dear. We felt like getting out of the house, so we decided to catch up on the city's night life for a little while and I thought they'd enjoy meeting you. We'll have some drinks, do some dancing… too bad you don't have karaoke here." Garrett looked quite excited. I just shook my head at him.

"Have some drinks?" I said with a chuckle. "I don't think we serve anything here that will…uh…quench your thirst…unless…" I let my sentence trail off as I smiled sweetly at him.

Garrett looked almost mournful as he looked down at me, "Bella, dear…no." It was his turn to change the subject. "Your boss is about to come back here looking for you."

I jumped slightly when Garrett disappeared from my sight. I was no longer used to vampire speed.

The door opened behind me and Jimmy came out. "Bella, god damn it! We're getting slammed out there and you're taking a smoke break?"

"Yup," I responded flatly as I crushed the cigarette butt and pushed past him to go back inside.

"Bella, one of these days I'm going to be forced to let you go," Jimmy threatened.

"Probably." I didn't wait for his reaction but he didn't follow me. When I got back out to the bar, I looked around and we were most certainly not 'getting slammed'. It was actually a really slow night for a Saturday.

I brought a tray of beers to the table I'd been going to before my impromptu break and then started toward the table where I saw Garrett sitting. I was almost there when I saw who his friends were. I could feel the pain in my chest get worse, but I forced myself numb and apathetic again. Garrett's three friends all turned to look at me at the same time with pure shock on their faces. Finally one of them spoke.

"Bella?"

"Hey, Jasper."


	2. Reunion (BPOV)

"You know each other?" Garrett asked quite amused with my sudden reunion with people I'd hoped to never see again.

"I'm glad to see you're so entertained by this, asshole. Yeah, we knew each other a long time…ugg." I suddenly had the breath knocked out of me by a large bolder crashing into me for a big bear hug. When I could breathe again, I smirked a little at Emmett.

"I missed you too, Emmett," I said. I had missed them, no matter how mad and hurt by them I had once been. I looked over to Rosalie, still sitting in the booth, looking as perfect as always.

"Hi Rosalie," I said nodding toward her. She nodded toward me with a non-hostile expression, which, honestly, kind of surprised me.

I could see Jasper staring intently at me the whole time and he finally spoke up again. "What have you been up to since we saw you last?"

I could see in his expression that he felt my pain and anger for the split second before I could control my emotions again, but as he was about to vocalize his opinion on the subject of my feelings, I glared at him. He subtly nodded at me.

"A little of this, a little of that," I responded. "I think I'm tired of working today, so I'll go get you guys some drinks, because I'm pretty sure _I'm_ going to need them, and then we can talk some more," I said and then promptly turned around.

After they left, for several years, I would imagine running into one of the Cullen's. I imagined what I'd say to them. The questions we would have for each other. I wondered if Carlisle and Esme would still consider me their daughter. Then I'd remember that I'd still be aging, so if I ran into them when I was the same age as them, what would it be like? I'd wondered if Rosalie would still hate me or if she wouldn't mind me so much now that I wasn't forcing my way into their family. I wondered if Jasper hated me for getting that stupid paper cut and testing his control. I wondered if Alice missed me at all. I wondered what kind of stories Emmett would have for me. I wondered if Edward had found a mate to replace me…someone good enough for him.

I also wondered if they ever heard about the things that had happened after they left and if they even cared that my life had been destroyed in a misguided attempt to 'protect me'. I'd thought about it often for a long time, and eventually I figured out that Edward probably left me to protect me. That was often a point of disagreement in our relationship, my safety. It may have been a rationalization on my part, thinking he'd really left to protect me, but it didn't make it any better in my eyes. If he'd truly loved me and respected my opinion and choices, he would have asked me. He would have explained it to me. He wouldn't have destroyed my self esteem and self worth by telling me he didn't want me anymore…that he didn't love me anymore…that his family didn't love me anymore.

I shook my head to try to shake out the memories and put in my order for their table. While I was waiting for the drinks to be made I found other waitresses to take over my tables. I wasn't going to be able to keep working with them there. Not that I really wanted to work in the first place. I also placed a quick call to an old friend, although I used the term 'friend' loosely.

"Hey, Jeff. I was wondering if you might have my usual available tonight."

"Bella, Bella, Bella. I thought you quit all that shit. I thought I'd never see you again…or maybe you just miss me," he laughed. I rolled my eyes even though he couldn't see me through the phone.

"Do you have it?" I repeated.

"Yeah, I can do that. Need me to deliver to _Midnight_?"

"If you can," I responded. That had been how we'd always worked things. He wanted to get closer to me, if you know what I mean, so I tried to keep everything as business like as possible.

"I'll be there in half an hour," he finally said after a long pause and hung up without waiting for my response.

I carried the tray of drinks over to their table, handed them out and then pulled up a chair at the end of the booth.

"Bella, what are these?" Emmett asked, looking a little offended. I looked down at his glass and looked back up at him with a sweet smile on my face.

"That, Emmett, is a Mai Tai," I explained. "I know it's not very manly, but I'm the only one actually drinking and that's what I'm in the mood for tonight." I took a big sip of his drink and sighed in contentment. Emmett continued to look a little disgruntled at the girly drink sitting in front of him, complete with a little umbrella, but he dropped it.

"Bella, please tell me how you've been. We'd…uh….we heard that you'd died. It was about six months after we left," Jasper explained quietly.

Huh. I guess that explained why they never looked for me. "I'm not dead," I said with a light smile on my face. Rose reached over to touch his hand softly and the look of pain on his face softened. Interesting. There was something I felt I wasn't picking up, and I wasn't quite sure what to make of it, but I decided to just ignore it.

"Way to state the obvious," Emmett joked. "What have you been up to the past five years?" he asked. The Cullen's all looked anxious to know, and Garrett was just looking back and forth between us like this was great entertainment for him.

"Not much. I finished high school, hung around Forks for another year. Then I moved to Seattle for a little while. Finally I ended up in this area about two years ago and I just bought a house in Warrensburg six months ago. That's about it. Haven't really done much with my life, I guess."

"How's Charlie doing?" Emmett asked, trying to pry more out of me.

"Dead." I knew the question was coming, so I was able to keep my face blank. I may have tipped them off that I wasn't quite okay when I took a long drink of Emmett's Mai Tai.

He looked nervously across the table at Jasper. "I'm sorry to hear that," he said sadly as he looked back at me. "Well, how's Renee doing?"

"Also dead." They all froze and looked at me with pity. I rolled my eyes at their concern. "Don't worry about it. It's been a while now. I've accepted it," I hated to see Emmett so serious. Time to change the subject. "How are Carlisle and Esme doing?" I asked.

"They're doing well. We recently moved to Schroon Lake, so we're only about ten miles away from you. Esme's enjoying remodeling the newest house. Carlisle is working at the local hospital. He enjoys it," Rosalie explained softly.

"That's good. You'll have to tell them hello for me," I responded.

"You should come to see them. They'd love to see you. They are at a charity ball this evening, but what about Monday?" Jasper asked.

I took a deep breath and forced a smile on my face. "That would be nice." It would be nice. It would also be painful to see the people who I used to see as parents before they left without saying a word.

Jasper took my phone to put their numbers in when suddenly Jimmy came up to me and I could practically see the steam coming out of his ears.

"Hey Jimmy. I couldn't find you before, but I'm done working for the night. My section is taken care of so you have nothing to worry about," I said nonchalantly as I handed him the money and credit card slips for the night.

"I can't believe you, Bella! What the fuck? This is the last time Bella. Don't come back here," he said rather loudly.

"Fuck off, Jimmy," I said with a bored tone. I nodded toward the club's main door where the police were arresting two underage boys with fake ID's. "Hey Jimmy, do you think they'd want to know about the contents of the third drawer of your desk?" I asked innocently. He visibly paled. "How about this, Jimmy. I think I could use a week off right now, so you won't have to see me until next Saturday, and we'll just keep the contents of your desk drawer between the two of us."

He looked at me like he wanted to yell, but finally lowered his head in defeat and walked away. Garrett and the Cullen's had been looking between the two of us during the whole exchange.

"What the hell? Our little Bella has finally grown a backbone," Emmett said, laughing.

"_Our little Bella_?" I asked. "I'm not a fucking pet. Not to mention the fact that I'm now older than you guys."

"Isn't she sweet?" Garrett asked, looking at me lovingly.

"Fuck you," I responded. Everyone burst into laughter.

"So Bella, how do you know Garrett?" Rosalie asked. I could tell she tried, but failed to keep the accusation out of her voice. She most likely thought I'd latched myself onto the nearest vampire.

"Oh, we just ran into each other one night shortly after I moved here," I said. I snuck a peek at Garrett's incredulous face and scowled at him, knowing he couldn't just drop it.

"That's one way to put it, I guess. She was being attacked in a back alley and I killed the guy," he responded and I rolled my eyes at him.

"Yeah, he has some kind of stupid hero complex," I said. I pleaded with my eyes for him to drop it. I looked at my now empty drink when suddenly a full one replaced it. I looked gratefully toward Jasper.

"Next thing I knew, we got to talking and she knew what I was and then…" He was interrupted by my phone ringing.

"Saved by the bell. Garrett, I don't think that they'll be interested in that story," I said curtly before answering my phone. It was a quick conversation.

"I need to run outside for a minute if you don't mind." Without waiting for their response, I got up and went to the back door.

Jeff was leaning against the back of the building waiting for me. "Hey, babe. That'll be a hundred," he said as he handed me a couple small bags. I stuffed them in my pocket and handed him my money.

"Thanks for coming out here, Jeff. It's turning out to be a very rough night for me," I said. I turned to go back into the building but he grabbed my shoulder.

"Hey Bella? You want to go out when you get off work? Or maybe tomorrow night? I guarantee you'll have a good time," he said as he pressed me against the brick wall. He pressed his erection against my leg, in case I had any question what he was talking about.

"Uh, no thanks," I said looking him over with a clear look of disgust, in case he had any question to what I was referring.

"I know you want to," he said as he forced his mouth onto mine. I pushed him away but then he grabbed my upper arms roughly and then ground his hips against mine.

"I'm warning you," I said. "Let me go now," I practically growled.

Jeff laughed at me and bit my neck, not hard enough to break the skin, but hard enough to leave a mark.

"I warned you," I said as I managed to get my mini stun gun out of my pocket. It looked like and was about the size of a marker. I loved it because it looked unassuming and was easy to carry in a pocket. I pressed it against his crotch and pressed the button. He abruptly crumpled to the ground, and I could smell the pungent scent of urine coming from him, just as Rosalie ran up to us at an inhuman speed. She looked back and forth between me and Jeff with a look of complete and utter confusion.

"What…what did you do to him?" she asked.

"Stun gun," I said as I held it out for her to look at. "Eight hundred thousand volts to the genitals will take down any man." Jeff groaned again.

"So that's the sound I heard," she said quietly to herself. "Don't need us protecting you anymore do you?" She looked at me with respect and there was a clear sense of pride in her voice.

"Nope. I can take care of myself now, though I've never tried it on one of you guys. Maybe Garrett or Emmett would volunteer," I said.

Rosalie shook her held at me with a big smile on her face and held the door open for me. "Ask Garrett. He's the adventurous type," she said with a sly smile. We returned to the table and I took a nice long drink of my Mai Tai.

I turned around and saw my co-worker, Liz, standing at the table behind us. When she turned I got her attention and ordered a sandwich from her. She looked amazed that I was actually sitting with and talking to friends. I had a bit of a reputation for being unfriendly, which honestly I was. It was safer to be without friends.

"Why was she so surprised?" Jasper suddenly asked. "Whenever one of your coworkers sees you sitting with us, they are completely shocked."

"I don't socialize with them much, so it surprises them that I'm actually being friendly to someone," I answered truthfully.

"Forget about that, Jasper. You guys should have seen her out there," Rose interrupted.

"It's not a big deal, Rose. Just drop it, 'kay?" I hated people talking about my business. I'd become a very private person over the years.

She looked at me and rolled her eyes. "No. Anyway, guys, her 'friend' started forcing himself on her…" Garrett, Emmett and Jasper all growled at that and several of the nearby tables started looking around for the source of the noise. Jasper gently reached out and touched the bite mark on my neck. The coolness of his finders felt good on the irritated skin.

Rose spoke up again. "Relax everyone. She's obviously just fine. I saw what he was doing and I rushed over there, but by the time I got to her, the guy's on the ground moaning and pissing himself." She looked at me proudly.

"Baby sister, what did you do to the guy?" Emmett asked, thoroughly impressed.

"I tased him," I said shortly and finished off the Mai Tai I'd been working on. "So Garrett, what have you been up to since I saw you last?"

"No, Bella. We're not changing the subject," Garrett responded, frowning at me. "You should feel proud of yourself."

"Yup. I'm super proud and I'm glad I wasn't raped. Is that good enough for you?" I asked sarcastically.

Jasper was the next one to speak, but they all looked confused, like I was speaking in another language. "Do you seriously not feel any emotion that you were nearly raped _or_ that you singlehandedly took down a grown man attacking you?"

"You tell me, Empath."

"I used to feel all your emotions so clearly, but I barely feel anything from you now. Now I know why Edward was always so frustrated not hearing your mind," Jasper said. At the mention of Edward's name, everyone went quiet and it quickly got awkward. We'd had a silent agreement to not mention those whose departure hurt me the most, Alice and Edward.

I decided to try diversion again. "_Garrett_, what have you been up to lately?"

He shook his head in irritation with me, but started telling the tales of his travels. He met a lot of interesting people along the way. Soon we were all laughing. I was going a little overboard with my amusement, but that's what you get when you down two and a half Mai Tai's on an empty stomach. Finally my sandwich came. I dug right in, but quickly realized that all eyes were on me.

"What?" I asked after I swallowed my bite.

"Hungry? You look like you haven't eaten in weeks," Emmett laughed.

"I haven't eaten since early this morning. Excuse me but I'm hungry," I explained defensively.

"Relax. I was just thinking I'd love to see you take down a grizzly," Emmett said. Always joking. I rolled my eyes.

Again the tension at the table was palpable before Jasper soothed us all with a wave of calm. The conversation resumed and we all stayed clear of the subject of Alice and Edward and changing into a vampire, which I was appreciative of, yet suspicious of as well. I wasn't quite sure of their intentions yet. Eventually, it was closing time.

"Well, everyone, it was good seeing you all again, but I should be heading home," I said as I got up from the table. Jasper grabbed my elbow as I stumbled. "Shit. I'm completely tanked," I said, laughing at myself.

"Bella, I'll give you a ride home. You shouldn't be driving," Jasper offered.

"Right," I agreed, leaning heavily on him.

"I'll run back home after I drive her home," Jasper explained to the others. I gave hugs to everyone and then Jasper helped me stumble to the office to pick up my bag and into the back parking lot. I was sorry to see them leave. Even Garrett. This was only the second time talking to him but he was a better friend than I'd had in years. Actually Garrett and the Cullen's were the only friends I'd had in years. I had purposely become a loner. I'd lost too many friends to be willing to put myself out there again, but here I'd accidentally put myself out there for four vampires, once again. Three of whom, I thought I'd really never want to see again. I had missed them terribly and though there were times it was awkward, we still fell back into friendship as though no time had passed. The only indication of a change was the fact that for some obscure reason, Rosalie was suddenly being less hostile and even friendly, and the fact that I'd changed significantly since we'd last spoken. I would even go out on a limb and say that it had made our friendship more comfortable. I found myself longing for more time with them, and the constant loneliness that I chose to always ignore, was painful in my chest.

As I was pondering this I realized that Jasper was holding me up in the parking lot waiting for some indication of which was my vehicle.

"The red bike," I said as I swayed toward it. Jasper raised his eyebrow incredulously.

"You ride a motorcycle?"

"Yup!" I responded happily. "It's a Honda Shadow. I splurged on this baby last year. I have a truck too, but I prefer the bike."

"Actively seeking out danger now? It's a miracle you're still alive, Bella," Jasper responded shaking his head, but with a small smile on his face.

"Not for lack of trying and I wouldn't call it a miracle. I would call it a curse. That's what the carnival psychic said anyway when she was talking about that god damned prophecy. I don't know if she was for real or not but she at least knew of the supernatural world since she knew what Jake was, but that's neither here nor there," I rambled on. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of acting sober, but from the look on Jasper's face, I missed the mark.

"I think it's time to get you home, darlin'. Where're we going?" I gave directions while Jasper put my helmet on me, made sure I was holding on tight before taking off. It was nice to ride behind someone for a change. I closed my eyes and reveled in the feeling of the wind.

Before I knew it I was home. Jasper offered more assistance, but I waved him off after I opened the front door. "I'd invite you in, but the house is a huge mess right now," I said apologetically. After assuring him I would call them if I needed them, he took off running into the woods in the direction of his house.

In truth, I just wasn't ready to have someone in my house yet. That would be too personal and I was just readjusting to the whole friendship thing. Too much, too soon. I'd worked too hard to keep myself apart from everyone else to let it all go crumbling down around me in one night by the group whose departure had started the collapse of my naïve perception of the thing we call life. So much about me they still didn't know and I didn't want them asking questions. I didn't want them to know and feel pity or guilt. I didn't want them to know me. Not anymore.

Most importantly, I didn't want to open myself up to them again and just spending a couple hours in a bar with them made me vulnerable to them. I couldn't allow myself to be vulnerable. I couldn't allow myself to care.


	3. Reunion (JPOV)

**JPOV**

"How you holding up, Jasper?" Emmett asked, breaking me from my inner turmoil. We were watching a movie but I didn't even have a clue what movie it was. I didn't particularly care.

"The same I guess. I'm hanging in there," I responded. I didn't really want to talk about it. I much preferred the happy, joking Emmett. He wasn't the same anymore either, especially with me. Everyone seemed to be walking on eggshells around me. I found it to be extremely irritating yet I could feel the love behind it.

"I was thinking that we should take a long weekend hunting trip. It's supposed to be sunny again next weekend. We could go up to that spot in Canada we found with all the black bears. We'll all go," Emmett said. The excitement was evident in his voice as well as his emotions.

"That's a great idea, Em," Rosalie said. I could feel her excitement and hopefulness.

"Sure," I tried to put some enthusiasm into my single word reply, but I knew I fell short when I felt concern and pity radiate out from both Rose and Emmett.

Garrett came running into the room. I was glad that he had decided to visit. He was refreshing and he was upbeat and…enthusiastic about everything. He'd had great insight for me when we'd talked alone. It was the most serious I'd ever seen him, which was honestly a little disconcerting, but he'd made a big impact on me.

Even though he maintained a 'traditional' diet, he did so in a responsible way. He feed from murderers, abusers, rapists and those with terminal illnesses. I can respect that. Edward always used to be so ashamed of his 'rebellious years', but honestly, I think he did society a great service. That didn't mean that I was planning on changing my diet, but I understood their point.

I realized my mistake too late as I thought of Edward. When I thought of Edward I would think of Alice. She lost her own life in an attempt to save his. All over a selfish, childish, Romeo and Juliet style suicide. He was always one for the dramatic.

We'd all been devastated to hear about Bella's death, even Rose. But to then have to lose two more from our family... It was so fucking pointless. Did he think that once Alice saw his plans that she would do nothing? Did he really think that at least one of us wouldn't try to save him? Did he realize that Alice, or any one of us for that matter, would risk our own lives to save his. Did he not fucking realize the possible consequences? Did he feel guilt when he realized that Alice was doomed as well?

"Jasper, dude, you're projecting again," Em said quietly. I looked up and saw his face filled with concern and he was projecting love and understanding to me, with a little of his own grief mixed in.

"Sorry," I said sheepishly. I was doing better, but occasionally my emotions got away from me. I realized that I'd not been paying attention to the conversation in the room, but I'd felt a little excitement from them. "What were you guys talking about?"

Garrett spoke up with a big smile on his face. "We're going _clubbing_ tonight." I shook my head at him. Those words sounded funny coming from him.

"It would be nice to get out of the house for a while. How about a quick hunt before we go since it's still early?" I suggested.

"Great idea," Rose responded. We left a note for Carlisle and Esme to let them know where we were and took off running into the forest. Garret even tried his own mountain lion. He'd agreed to try our diet while visiting and he found it amusing, though not nearly as fulfilling as his normal meals. We took our time, telling old stories and I felt better than I had in a long time. I felt like myself.

Before I knew it, we were home. We all showered and got dressed quickly, even Rose. Rosalie had probably been changed the most by 'the incident'. She no longer cared so much about appearances. She didn't shop like she used to. She'd grown up.

We all piled into Rose's M3 to go into Saratoga Springs. She'd been looking at newer models, but still hadn't gotten around to buying. We'd all had our priorities rearranged.

_Midnight_ was a typical club. Loud music, dancing and drinking and a lot of lust floating around. We found an empty booth and Garrett said he was going to run out back. After we sat down, I caught the scent of someone familiar. Bella. I knew it was impossible, but by the looks Rose and Emmett were exchanging, they smelled it too.

Garrett came back to the table a couple minutes later, smelling even stronger of strawberries and freesia. I sent calm to Rosalie and Emmett and I felt their emotions fluctuating.

"You guys are in for a treat tonight. You'll have to meet this human I met a while back. I didn't even know she worked here. She knows what we are, but she doesn't have an ounce of fear in her. You'll love her," Garrett said. I was astounded that Garrett was so excited for us to meet a human, and wasn't fazed by the fact that she knew what we were.

"Ah, here she is," he said as a woman approached the table. Rose, Emmett and I all turned toward her and I was bombarded with Rose and Emmett's surprise and confusion. I felt a quick excruciating stab of pain, longing, self-hate, abandonment and love from her before her emotions…became muted. Then the only thing I could feel from her was complete apathy. Nobody said anything for a moment. But finally I couldn't take the silence anymore. "Bella?"

"Hey, Jasper," she responded.

"You know each other?" Garrett asked, as though this was great entertainment for him.

"I'm glad to see you're so entertained by this, asshole. Yeah, we knew each other a long time…" Bella said before Emmett pulled her into a big bear hug. I sent a wave of calm to him hoping he wouldn't break her with his enthusiasm.

"I missed you too, Emmett," she said. She greeted Rosalie and I felt Bella's surprise. Rose no longer felt hate for her. She had missed Bella too. She'd felt so guilty that we'd left her all alone and that she'd ended up killing herself, or so we thought. She knew she'd been a bitch to Bella, but I knew from her emotions that she felt genuine sorrow and remorse.

I looked Bella over. It was amazing how much she had changed. She now had the body of a woman, no longer that of an awkward teenage girl. I could tell that she worked out. She had great muscle tone, though she was too thin, and a confidence about herself that she'd lacked when we'd known her. At the same time, she looked tired and wary. She looked like she hadn't slept well in months. She looked like she was trying to protect herself, just waiting for an attack. Then there were her eyes… Regardless, she was still gorgeous.

There was a moment of silence while we were all trying to figure out what to say. Finally I asked, "What have you been up to since we saw you last?"

I felt pain and anger for two seconds before she locked down her emotions again. I opened my mouth to ask her how she was doing it, but she glared at me, so I backed off.

"A little of this, a little of that," she said nonchalantly. "I think I'm tired of working today, so I'll go get you guys some drinks, because I'm pretty sure _I'm_ going to need them, and then we can talk some more," she said and then walked away.

We spoke in low voices so the humans wouldn't hear us. "How is she alive?" I asked. "Alice saw her jump off the cliff. She didn't come out of the water."

"I don't know and I don't care. My baby sister is alive," Emmett said with a huge grin. He was elated.

"Did you guys see her eyes?" Rose asked softly. Garrett, Emmett and I all looked at each other before nodding.

"Her eyes look dead," I said. "I can barely feel her emotions. So far I've only gotten a second or two of her emotions before…they shut down...like they're maybe muted, repressed…I don't know. I've never felt this from a human before. Actually I've never felt this from a vampire before either." I shook my head.

"She's been like this since I met her," Garrett said. "She used to be different?"

"Yes," I said. "She used to be happy." I paused. "Did you also see the scars on her wrists?"

"They're faint, but yes, I saw them. She must have had a good plastic surgeon for that," Rose said.

"We can't leave her alone this time," Emmett said forcefully.

"She needs us," Rose agreed with conviction. Emmett and I both looked at her in confusion. Not only had she stopped hating Bella but now she wanted to help her? I wanted to say something about it, but I knew it was better to just leave it be.

Bella brought a tray of drinks to us and then pulled up a chair at the end of the booth.

"Bella, what are these?" Emmett asked, horrified by the fancy red drinks with little umbrellas and cut fruit hanging off the side of the glasses.

"That, Emmett, is a Mai Tai," Bella explained sweetly. "I know it's not very manly, but I'm the only one actually drinking and that's what I'm in the mood for tonight." Bella took a big drink and sighed in contentment. She'd said that she was going to need them and I knew that it was probably the only way to keep her pain numbed. It also might help her open up a little.

"Bella, please tell me how you've been. We'd…uh….we heard that you'd died. It was about six months after we left," I asked. I was desperate to know what had gone wrong. An incorrect vision led to my wife and brother's deaths. I always told Alice that we relied on her visions too much.

"I'm not dead," she stated. I was getting frustrated but Rose reached over and touched my hand softly filling me with reassurance.

"Way to state the obvious," Emmett laughed. "What have you been up to the past five years?" he asked.

"Not much. I finished high school, hung around Forks for another year. Then I moved to Seattle for a little while. Finally I ended up in this area about two years ago and I just bought a house in Warrensburg six months ago. That's about it. Haven't really done much with my life, I guess." What are the odds of us moving so close to her? I was astounded. I also couldn't figure out why she hadn't done more with her life. Didn't she go to college? Why is she a waitress in a bar?

"How's Charlie doing?" Emmett asked, also getting frustrated by her lack of response.

"Dead." We all glanced at each other when she said that her father was dead. Her face was devoid of expression and I barely felt anything from her. What the hell had happened to her?

"I'm sorry to hear that," Emmett said sadly as he looked back at her. "Well, how's Renee doing?"

"Also dead." We all froze on the spot. Her family was gone. No wonder she was a mess. She rolled her eyes at our reaction. "Don't worry about it. It's been a while now. I've accepted it."

"How are Carlisle and Esme doing?" she asked in a poor attempt to change the subject.

"They're doing well. We recently moved to Schroon Lake, so we're only about ten miles away from you. Esme's enjoying remodeling the newest house. Carlisle is working at the local hospital. He enjoys it," Rosalie explained softly.

"That's good. You'll have to tell them hello for me," she said. She made it sound like she didn't expect to see us again. I couldn't allow that to happen.

"You should come to see them. They'd love to see you. They are at a charity ball this evening, but what about Monday?" I asked. I knew it would be better to arrange something now.

"That would be nice," she said, but it was obvious that her smile was forced. I asked for her phone and I started putting all our phone numbers in. Garrett told me to make sure his was in there too. I wondered if he was interested in her as more than a friend. Every now and then I got the feeling from him that he might be.

Suddenly the bar manager came up to our table. The man was a heart attack waiting to happen. Bella gave him an excuse and told him she was done working for the night.

"I can't believe you, Bella! What the fuck? This is the last time Bella. Don't come back here," he started yelling. We all tensed as he berated her in front of us, but of course Bella took care of the situation herself.

"Fuck off, Jimmy," she said, sounding bored. She nodded toward the club's main door where the police were arresting a couple customers. "Hey Jimmy, do you think they'd want to know about the contents of the third drawer of your desk?" she asked with a sweet, innocent voice. He quickly reacted with fear. Bella continued, "How about this, Jimmy. I think I could use a week off right now, so you won't have to see me until next Saturday, and we'll just keep the contents of your desk drawer between the two of us."

He lowered his head in defeat and walked away. The rest of us were looking at each other trying to figure out what just happened and what the contents of the mysterious drawer might be.

"What the hell? Our little Bella has finally grown a backbone," Emmett said laughing.

"_Our little Bella_?" she asked. "I'm not a fucking pet. Not to mention the fact that I'm now older than you guys."

"Isn't she sweet?" Garrett asked, looking at her condescendingly.

"Fuck you," she responded and we all burst into laughter.

"So Bella, how do you know Garrett?" Rose asked. I could hear a slight bit of accusation in her voice, but hoped that Bella wouldn't notice. Rose had always wondered if Bella was more interested in Edward as a vampire than as a man.

"Oh, we just ran into each other one night shortly after I moved here," she said obviously hiding something. She peeked at Garrett's incredulous face and scowled at him.

"That's one way to put it, I guess. She was being attacked in a back alley and I killed the guy," he responded.

"Yeah, he has some kind of stupid hero complex," Bella said. She was obviously desperate for the subject to be dropped and again I felt a flash of her feelings: panic, shame and irritation. I figured a little more alcohol might help loosen her up, so I pushed my full drink toward her and took the empty glass.

"Next thing I knew, we got to talking and she knew what I was and then…" Garret started saying before being interrupted by Bella's cell phone.

"Saved by the bell. Garrett, I don't think that they'll be interested in that story," she said in a hard voice before answering her phone.

"Bella, I'm out back," a man's voice said.

"I'll be right out," Bella responded before flipping her phone closed.

"I need to run outside for a minute if you don't mind." Without waiting for our response, she got up and went to the back door.

"I'm going to follow to make sure she'd okay," Rose said. Emmett got up to let her out of the booth.

"Garrett, continue the story," I demanded.

"I killed the guy and drained him. I had my back to her so she wouldn't see, but when I turned to ask her if she was okay, I could see that she knew. Next thing I know, she's offering her neck to me. Says, 'I've heard I have very sweet blood. Help yourself but please try to make it quick.' So I ask her if she really wants me to kill her and she says yes and that she should have died a long time ago.

"We ended up walking several blocks down to a nearby park and we talked for a long time. She didn't really give up any information about herself other than her first name and the fact that she'd recently moved to Saratoga Springs. She looked so hopeless and she was pretty strung out, but after talking for a long time, she said that she'd try to take better care of herself. I was surprised when I realized she was here tonight. Honestly, I figured she'd be dead by now," Garrett said dejectedly. I wasn't sure what it was about her, but Garrett felt love for her, a familial love, and sincere concern.

Emmett suddenly asked loudly, "What do you mean 'she was pretty strung out'?" We all glanced at each other, worried.

"I mean what I said. She was strung out. Coming down off her high. Washed up. Strung out," he explained like we were all a little slow. The guilt and concern coming off Garrett and Emmett was hard to handle along with my own emotions.

"She's better now," Garrett said. "I can actually see a big difference in her. I can tell she's been working out and she's probably gained ten pounds…"

"What?" I interrupted. "But she's so skinny _now_." I was appalled.

"Yes, she is still skinny. What I'm saying is that this is still a big improvement from two years ago. Don't look so sad. Be happy that she's improved. If she hadn't, I truly doubt she would still be alive." He paused for a moment and looked between Emmett and me. "She was important to you guys. You still haven't told me how you know her."

Emmett gave a quick rundown of our time in Forks and then we sat in a somber silence until Bella and Rose returned. Rose was radiating pride. I sent her a wave of curiosity as Bella waved down a waitress to order food, but Rose told me to wait for a minute for Bella to finish ordering.

I turned back to Bella and watched her interaction with her coworker. After she left I had to ask. "Why was she so surprised? Whenever one of your coworkers sees you sitting with us, they are completely shocked."

"I don't socialize with them much, so it surprises them that I'm actually being friendly to someone," she answered and took another big drink. So she has no friends but it didn't seem to bother her.

"Forget about that, Jasper. You guys should have seen her out there," Rose interrupted us.

"It's not a big deal, Rose. Just drop it, 'kay?" Bella said obviously irritated.

"No. Anyway, guys, her 'friend' started forcing himself on her…" Rose started to explain and we all growled. We tried to look innocent as several of the nearby tables started looking around for the source of the noise. I paused to check their emotions. Nobody was suspicious. I looked closer at Bella and saw a dark bite mark on her neck. He hadn't broken the skin, but it was already heavily bruised. It had to have hurt. I couldn't help myself and I reached out and gently touched the mark on her neck. She shivered a little at my touch but didn't move away from me. I noticed another deep and wide dark scar toward the back of her neck. It was mostly covered by her hair. I wanted to look at it closer but I didn't think it was appropriate, so I dropped my hand back into my lap.

Rose spoke up again. "Relax everyone. She's obviously just fine. I saw what he was doing and I rushed over there, but by the time I got to her, the guy's on the ground moaning and pissing himself." She looked over at Bella proudly.

"Baby sister, what did you do to the guy?" Emmett asked, thoroughly impressed.

"I tased him," she said curtly and finished off the Mai Tai she'd been working on. "So Garrett, what have you been up to since I saw you last?"

"No, Bella. We're not changing the subject," Garrett responded, frowning. "You should feel proud of yourself."

"Yup. I'm super proud and I'm glad I wasn't raped. Is that good enough for you?" she asked sarcastically. She'd always had a bit of a sarcastic sense of humor, but she was more…cynical now.

"Do you seriously not feel any emotion that you were nearly raped or that you singlehandedly took down a grown man attacking you?" I couldn't believe it, but I really wasn't getting anything from her emotionally.

"You tell me, Empath."

"I used to feel all your emotions so clearly, but I barely feel anything from you now. Now I know why Edward was always so frustrated not hearing your mind," I said. At the mention of Edward's name, everyone went quiet and it quickly got awkward.

In a voice so low that Bella wouldn't hear, I said, "I don't think she's ready to hear about what happened. Please don't mention it."

Bella tried to change the subject again. "Garrett, what have you been up to lately?"

He shook his head in disapproval of the subject change, but he started telling stories. The man is a natural adventure and has done a lot of amazing things and met a lot of interesting people along the way. Soon we were all laughing. Bella was working on her third Mai Tai and was obviously feeling a little tipsy, but it was nice to see her laughing. Every once in a while I'd see a little sparkle in her eyes. Anything was an improvement. Several times I pushed a little bit of extra amusement toward her. I really liked seeing her smile and laugh and she didn't seem to notice my interference.

The next awkward time was when her sandwich finally came. She started eating like she was literally starving. "What?" she asked after swallowing and realizing we were all staring.

"Hungry? You look like you haven't eaten in weeks," Emmett laughed.

"I haven't eaten since early this morning. Excuse me but I'm hungry," she explained defensively. This was obviously a sore subject with her.

"Relax. I was just thinking I'd love to see you take down a grizzly," Emmett said.

The vampires at the table froze. Was it inappropriate to make jokes about her being a vampire? Again the tension at the table was palpable so I sent out a wave of calm. The conversation resumed and we all stayed clear of the subject of Alice and Edward and becoming a vampire. I could feel occasional appreciation and suspicion from Bella, but I couldn't figure out the reasoning behind her emotions. Eventually, it was closing time so we all got up from the table.

"Well, everyone, it was good seeing you all again, but I should be heading home," Bella said as she tried to stand up. I automatically grabbed her arm to steady her.

"Shit. I'm completely tanked," Bella said, laughing.

"Bella, I'll give you a ride home. You shouldn't be driving," I offered.

"Right," she agreed. She was so drunk I was practically holding her up. I was glad that I'd gotten control over my bloodlust. She was so warm in my arms and she smelled so good.

"I'll run back home after I drive her home," I explained to the others. I was worried about all of us going and invading her home. Everyone needs a safe place and I knew that this had been a rough night for her emotionally.

After she said goodbye to everyone, I helped her to the back parking lot, stopping at the bar office to grab her bag along the way. I could feel sorrow and abandonment from Bella. The loneliness was overwhelming and I wondered what it would be like if her emotions weren't still muted to me. With her drunk I was feeling her emotions better, but not like normal.

I waited for her to direct me to the car and finally she said, "The red bike."

The girl has a serious death wish. "You ride a motorcycle?"

"Yup!" She responded happily. She was proud of her bike. "It's a Honda Shadow. I splurged on this baby last year. I have a truck too, but I prefer the bike." Honestly, it was a nice bike. Sexy. I liked what I saw when I pictured her riding it, but this was Bella we're talking about here. She was like a sister to me. Even if it didn't really feel like it. _Sister_. But still fucking sexy.

"Actively seeking out danger now? It's a miracle you're still alive, Bella," I responded shaking my head at her penchant for danger.

"Not for lack of trying and I wouldn't call it a miracle. I would call it a curse. That's what the carnival psychic said anyway. I don't know if she was for real or not but she at least knew of the supernatural world since she knew what Jake was, but that's neither here nor there," she said, slurring her words.

_Not for lack of trying? _My heart broke for her. And what was this about Jake and a carnival psychic? I wanted to ask but I didn't think I'd get a coherent response from her at that point.

"I think it's time to get you home, darlin'. Where're we going?" She gave me some mixed up directions while I put her helmet on her. Honestly, I was thrilled that she wore one. I made sure she was holding on tight before taking off. I went barely above the speed limit. I didn't want to go too fast with her in that condition. I was relieved that she continued to hold onto me tightly for the whole ride.

When we got there, I offered my help, but she waved me off, spouting off about the house being a mess. The house itself was a surprise to me. It was a little log cabin surrounded by a forest. It was very secluded and I could see that a lot of improvements had been made on it and some recently stained wood cabinets were in the yard still drying. I'd have to ask her about that another time.

"You have our numbers in your phone now, so call if you need anything, okay?" I asked her.

"Sure, sure," she said.

It took effort on my part, but I took off in the direction of my house. I didn't go much faster than human speed so I had time to think about our evening. A lot had happened tonight and I knew it would change everything. She needed us and when I thought about it, we needed her as well.


	4. I want to be sedated

**BPOV**

I groaned as I woke up the next afternoon. It had been years since I'd slept so long in one night. I was still in my clothes from the night before. I vaguely remembered getting home last night and spending a lot of time in the bathroom with my head hanging over the toilet. It had been a long time since I'd gotten drunk and now I remembered why I never drank. Even when I was using large quantities of hard drugs, I didn't have more than a drink or two at a time because I just didn't have the stomach for it.

When my stomach finally felt like it was going to settle down, I poured a glass of water and found some aspirin in the medicine cabinet. I slowly drank the entire glass of water. I knew it would make me feel better if I could keep it down. I even managed a couple bites of a plain bagel.

I brushed my teeth and took a quick shower which finally had me feeling human again. I looked in the mirror at myself. I looked like shit if I was being honest with myself. Last night turned out nothing like I would have expected, but I survived. I was dreading having to see them again, yet at the same time I was a little excited. I was full of contradictions. They were expecting me on Monday. Tomorrow. I felt myself panicking and I forced myself to relax.

I was too keyed up and hung over to do my normal exercise routine, only doing some of the easier of the yoga poses and concentrated on my breathing and stretching the muscles of my sore body. I tried and tried but I couldn't find my apathy, couldn't feel numb, couldn't pretend I didn't care. Finally after an hour of meditating, I broke down crying. That's not how it's supposed to work.

Finally I remembered Jeff coming into _Midnight_ last night. That's what I'd do. I pulled the baggies out of the pocket of the jeans I'd worn last night and got out my pipe. I opened the bag of weed and took a deep whiff. It was the good stuff. Ten minutes later I was good and numb.

I needed to do something so I started installing my newly stained kitchen cabinets. Let me tell you, it's best not to do home repair while high. Well, maybe that goes without saying. It took so much more effort to do it right while I wasn't sober. I only did the lower cabinets. I was going to have to figure out something clever in order to handle the upper cabinets or get help. No, I'd figure out how to do it myself. The only thing so far I'd gotten help with was the wiring which had to be entirely replaced, and was best left to a professional. I had it done before I'd moved in. Since then, not a single person other than myself had stepped foot in my house. It was my sanctuary. It was my project. It gave me a purpose when I'd lost all other purpose and desire to live. So if I needed to hang the cabinets, I would do it myself.

By the time I finished putting in the lower cabinets it was five o'clock in the evening, so I made myself a very bland sandwich and a glass of milk and was pleased that I kept it down. I'd been thinking that I'd just watch movies or something to pass the time, but I needed to keep moving. I needed something to occupy myself, so I took some measurements, got out my saw, built a stand and then proceeded to hang my upper kitchen cabinets. I felt a huge sense of accomplishment when I finished. The kitchen was well on its way to being done.

As I stood back to appreciate my work, my phone rang loudly, making me jump. I looked at the caller id. Jasper.

"Hello?" I answered

"Hi Bella. I just wanted to make sure we're still on for tomorrow," he said, his sexy southern accent coming out nice and clear.

"Of course, Jasper. What time were we planning on?"

"Esme was wondering if ten o'clock tomorrow morning would work for you. She was thinking that we could talk for a while and then she could make you lunch. She's actually really looking forward to cooking for you again. I hadn't realized how much she missed it until she started planning for tomorrow," Jasper said with a laugh in his voice.

"That sounds great, Jasper," I said. Actually I was already scared for tomorrow, terrified really, but I'd already agreed. At the time I hadn't thought about the possibility, or really, the probability of Alice and/or Edward being there. I realized I was on the verge of a panic attack.

"I'll be there at ten to pick you up," he said.

"No," I shouted. If he drove I'd be stuck there. What if I needed to leave? What if it got to be too much?

"No?" Jasper asked confused by my reaction.

"Can you give me directions instead?" I asked, trying to calm myself down. "That way you don't have to go out of your way for me."

"Oh, okay," he responded, clearly confused by my reaction. I wrote down the directions and promised I'd be there on time.

I was relieved when we finally hung up, but I didn't want to think about it yet. I looked down at myself. I was all dirty from installing the cabinets. I put my dirty clothes in the hamper and got into the shower. I couldn't get any hot water to come out so I took a quick cold shower instead.

Unfortunately, the cold reminded me of _them_ so by the time I got out of the shower I was bawling like a baby. I was so scared and hurt and lonely and miserable. I wasn't living. My only purpose in life was fixing up my house. It was the only thing that gave me purpose. I had Renee and Charlie's life insurance money so I didn't even _have_ to have a job.

I wanted to be part of their family again, or at least friends, but I was terrified of it at the same time. Everyone I loved either left me or died. These particular people already left me. I couldn't let myself be vulnerable again but my heart longed for a family.

When the tears finally stopped I put on a t-shirt and pajama pants and went to the living room to watch a movie. I took out my drugs and got to work. I started rolling up a joint when I started feeling like I was being watched. _Paranoid or stalking vampire? Paranoid or stalking vampire? _It seemed rather obvious.

"I know that you're watching me. If you want, you can come in. The door is unlocked. I was just about to watch _Transformers_ if you want to join me," I said at normal volume.

Ten seconds later I heard my front door open. Jasper came strolling in, with a sheepish grin on his face. He'd lost the whole pretty boy look that I was used to see him in. Now he seemed to be a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy, and I couldn't help but focusing on the fact that his ass looked really nice in those jeans. The cowboy boots really did it for me too.

"You need a cowboy hat, Jasper."

"What?" he looked confused.

"It would complete your cowboy look. I like it. It works for you," I said with a flirtatious smile. He chuckled at me and looked like he would blush if he could.

"How did you know I was out there?" he asked.

"I just felt like I was being watched. I debated on whether I was being paranoid or if there was a stalking vampire. Then I thought about my experience thus far in life and decided it was definitely the stalking vampire," I said with a smirk. I put away my drugs, with the exception of the joint I'd just rolled and lit it up. I avoided looking at Jasper's face. I'm sure he was disappointed, surprised, disgusted, etcetera, etcetera, but I wasn't about to change my evening plans for a stalking vampire.

"That's really fucking good," I said as I exhaled. I could feel it already. "Tell me Jasper, if you drink from a human that's high, do you get affected by it?"

I finally got the nerve to look him in the face and my tear ducts pricked as I saw how devastated he looked. He shook his head, "Not really, Bella. It can make the blood taste…off, but it wouldn't get us high."

"Holy shit, Jasper. You actually answered my question. Everyone always used to try to protect me. No one would give me a straight answer to my questions. Nobody really cared about my opinions. I can imagine the look Edward would give me right now if he saw me. He'd be so fucking disappointed in me, but I don't give a fuck. I'm falling apart here, and the last person I should be talking about this to is you. I can't let myself care about you guys again. It will kill me. I'm sure that it will. Everyone that I love either leaves or dies. I can't care Jasper, I can't care." I stopped myself there. God damn drugs were making me spill my guts. Usually it just numbs me, but today it was backfiring. I took another long drag from the joint.

Jasper surprised me by not commenting on my little outburst. "That's not just marijuana," he stated.

I stared at him with my mouth open. "Well, that's not what I was expecting you to say, but no, it's not just marijuana."

"Opium?" he asked.

"You've got a good nose on you Jazz," I said, confirming his suspicions.

"Garrett said you're doing a lot better now; healthier. Do you use this shit a lot?" he asked.

"I quit most everything a while back. Probably a year now. I still smoke a bit of weed now and then but it's mostly for the nightmares and to help my appetite. I'm not an addict anymore. I just…self medicate now and then," I explained feebly.

"Is that what you call it?" he asked, smirking.

"Yup."

"I know last night was very hard on you," he stated simply.

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry for that, but I'm not sorry we were able to see each other again," he said quietly.

"Me too, Jasper," I said, wiping away the traitorous tear that started running down my cheek.

"I can feel your emotions again tonight. It was rather disconcerting last night," he admitted and I could see that he was self-conscious admitting that.

"That's one of my specialties. My main goal most of the time is to suppress my emotions. It's the only way I keep my sanity most of the time. I meditate. I do relaxation techniques. I stay busy. I exercise. It keeps the destructive thoughts away. It keeps the nightmares away," I explained. I'd smoked half the joint so I put it down. My head was sufficiently cloudy and my emotions effectively numbed, or maybe I just didn't care. Either way, it was my escape.

We sat in a comfortable silence for several minutes.

"You have a collection of new scars now," Jasper said with a slight mischievous smile.

"Yes," I said, with a sly smile on my own face.

"Where did you get the one on your head? The one along your hairline?" he asked.

I laughed. "That was from crashing my bike on my first ride. I hadn't learned how to turn yet. The bike stopped but I didn't." He cringed but was smiling at the same time.

"You have what looks like a bite on your hand," he pointed out.

"Dog bite. German Shepherd," I explained. He looked at me funny, but I didn't say anything more. I was glad when we didn't discuss my other scars. There were explanations that I wasn't going to be forthcoming with and lies I didn't want to have to voice.

"I never apologized to you for your birthday," Jasper said after several more minutes silence.

"You never needed to, Jasper," I responded.

"Yes I did, Bella. I tried to attack you because you got a fucking paper cut. How pathetic is that? I almost killed my brother's girlfriend over a paper cut. A single drop of blood," Jasper said, disgusted with himself.

"You don't need my forgiveness, Jasper, but I do think you need to forgive yourself. I was never upset with you over that. It was your instinct and I can't blame you for that. You weren't only feeling your own blood lust, but everyone else's as well. The downfall of the empathic vampire. That's not your fault. I was the stupid, pathetic human who thought she was good enough to hang with vampires. I'm obviously not. I wasn't good enough," I said. It was a bad idea to be high for this conversation. I was laying out my deepest fears and self doubt in front of a member of the family that hurt me the most, and I couldn't stop myself.

"As Edward always told you, you really don't see yourself clearly. You _are_ good enough for us. It's we who weren't good enough for you. You are one of the kindest people I've ever met. You never feared us and always treated us like normal people, like family. You worry about others over yourself. You have grown into a beautiful woman. I'm proud to call you my friend and sister and I'm sorry I tried to kill you."

I burst out laughing and soon Jasper joined in. Pretty soon that led to more sobbing but this time, Jasper moved next to me on the couch and held me as I cried. He didn't comment, he just let me get it out.

***

I woke to the smell of cinnamon rolls in the morning. I rolled out of bed trying to remember what happened the night before.

As I sat up, Jasper came in a big grin and a huge warm cinnamon roll on a plate for me.

"Jasper, you are my savior," I said. I took a big bite and moaned. Jasper looked uncomfortable suddenly. "Sorry," I mumbled.

"No problem. Is it good?" he asked.

"This is probably the best cinnamon roll I've ever had," I said. "Thank you."

"It was no problem. Esme joined a gardening club with a woman that owns a little bakery in town," he explained. "They are known around town for their cinnamon rolls, so I thought maybe you would like to try one."

"Sorry about last night, Jasper," I whispered.

"It's not a problem, sugar," he said.

"Sugar?" I asked with a smirk on my face.

"Yes, sugar," he responded and threw a pillow at me. I easily blocked it from landing on my breakfast.

"We have a couple hours before we're supposed to be back at my house, so we can go early if you want, I can give you some time alone, or we can hang out until it's time to go. Whatever you want, sugar," he said, smirking when he called me '_sugar'_ again.

I smiled. "Want to go for a human paced run?" I asked. "I missed my run yesterday."

"Huh. Bella Swan runs?" he teased.

"Shut it," I responded and then tossed the last of the cinnamon roll into my mouth. "Give me five minutes."

Jasper ran backwards in front of me with ease and he chatted about some of the things everyone had been up to.

"About two years ago, I really started working on my control and bloodlust issues," he said. "So I was studying for my psychology class one night and was reading about treatment for phobias, and one of the treatments is repeated exposure to acclimate a person to their trigger object, for example, snakes. I talked to Carlisle about my idea and we worked on a 'program' together. He would get vials of blood from work and we did repeated exposure. First it was from across the room, and then it was right next to me, until finally Carlisle could put drops of blood on my lips and I wouldn't react. It was amazing really. When it worked so successfully for me, the others did the same thing and now all of us have much better control."

"That's awesome, Jazz," I panted. "I noticed…you haven't been…as uncomfortable." We finally hit the back yard and I continued to walk around as my heart rate slowed to normal.

"You aren't clumsy like you used to be," Jasper observed.

"No I'm not," I agreed.

"What changed?" he asked.

"A couple things I think. I started exercising as an emotional release and I think that as I get more and more in-shape, the more awareness I have of my body. Also, when you last knew me, I was a very self-conscious girl. I'm not anymore. I'm not sure I would call myself confident, but I don't really give a shit what people think about me anymore," I explained. "Therefore no more clumsiness."

"That makes sense," Jasper said. "I know you aren't self-conscious anymore, but I do wish you didn't hate yourself so much."

"You don't even know the whole story, Jazz," I said softly to myself, forgetting for a moment that he would hear me.

"Tell me then," he said.

"Stupid vampire hearing," I mumbled for his benefit, but ignored his request. "I'm going to take a quick shower and then we can go," I said.

"Do you want help with any of your renovations?" Jasper asked as we walked back inside the house.

"No, I'm doing okay with doing it myself," I said with a small smile on my face. I was sure he could feel my pride.

"You've done some of this yourself?" He asked me, surprised.

"No, I've done _almost all_ of it," I said with a big smile. "The only thing I've _not_ done myself was the wiring. I hired an electrician since the wiring in the entire house needed to be replaced. Everything else I've done myself."

"You continue to surprise me, Bella. You've done an amazing job," he said as he looked around.

"There's still a lot to do, but I'm enjoying it. It gives me a purpose," I explained. "Feel free to look around. Mi casa es su casa."

I took another cold shower. At least it wasn't completely ice cold, but rather mildly chilly. That water heater was going to need to be replaced soon. I took more time than usual getting ready. I was very nervous about seeing everyone again. I was still worried about Alice and Edward, but I couldn't seem to pluck up the courage to ask Jasper if they would be there. I still wasn't quite sure why he'd even come over.

After ten minutes of going through my closet, I just ended up wearing something I would normally wear. I put on a pair of dark skinny jeans and a black tank top and grabbed a flannel shirt to wear over it. Alice would be appalled, but I was comfortable. I looked in the mirror and the bags under my eyes and the unhealthy pallor of my skin seemed to leap out at me, but it was beyond the help of makeup, especially with vampire vision. Oh well. I went back into the bathroom to brush my teeth and set the flannel shirt on the counter next to the sink.

Suddenly I felt a cold hand on my back and I screamed and fell over the bath ledge and into the bathtub, pulling the shower curtain with me.

"Uh…sorry," he said. After about ten seconds of complete and utter silence, we both burst out laughing. By the time we slowed to chuckles, Jasper offered me his hand and helped me out of the tub.

"I really am sorry I scared you, but I couldn't help but notice the scars on your back," Jasper said. I could tell he was uncomfortable bringing it up, but I knew that those particular scars would make the most apathetic man curious enough to ask about them.

"I forgot that you might see them. I have a shirt I'm wearing over this," I said pointing to my flannel shirt that was now on the floor.

"What happened?" he asked. I'd hoped that he wouldn't notice that I didn't answer his question and drop the subject, but no such luck. That was a rather ridiculous thing to wish for in the first place.

"Well, you know how Edward always joked that if a stray bear wandered into town, it would head straight for me…" I let the sentence trail off suggestively.

"You're saying you were mauled by a bear?" he asked incredulously.

"Yup."

"But, darlin', you're forgetting that I'm an empath and I can tell when you are lying."

"Damn you," was the only response I could think of for a minute. Luckily he chuckled. "Well, it was big, it was brown and it scratched the fuck out of my back with really sharp claws," I said, hoping that he would just drop it. He probably felt my anxiety at the line of questioning, so surprisingly he accepted my answer without further question.

"May I see it again?" he asked. I examined his face, trying to figure him out, but I saw nothing but genuine concern. Finally I nodded, turning around so my back was toward him and pulled the back of my shirt up. If he really wanted to see my scars, at least I could show them off properly. There were four claw marks and they went from the back of my neck to just past my waistline on the right side of my back. The worst was an inch wide.

I heard him hiss when he saw them fully and I felt his cold fingers trailing the angry red scars. The temperature made me shiver, but it was a good shiver. I hadn't been close to anyone for a long time now and I am a woman after all. '_Don't think like that!_' I shouted at myself. He's my former best friend's husband for god's sake, plus he's a fucking empath. Oh, god, he better not have felt what I was feeling, but I knew that I wasn't even close to masking my emotions like normal. God, if there is a god, absolutely hates me. As though that wasn't obvious before.

"It definitely wasn't a bear that did that," he finally said after several minutes of silence.

"Yeah, well, like I said, it was brown and furry. Didn't get all that close of a look at it. I'm just lucky I turned around in time, so it didn't get my face," I said.

"Yes," he agreed.

Luckily for my sanity, the moment passed. I pulled my shirt back down and turned around. I put on the flannel shirt before leaving the bathroom. I wasn't sure what it was with him, but I kept revealing more to Jasper than I ever meant to. More than I'd revealed to anyone in years, but I couldn't help but hope that maybe it was a good thing. Maybe I would actually be able to move on and be happy. Well…not likely, but whatever.

"Truck or bike?" I asked Jasper.

"Bike. Definitely. The Shadow really is the perfect motorcycle for you. It fits your personality."

I pulled out a cigarette and lit it up. "Ah…thanks, I think."

"I intended it as a complement," Jasper reassured me with a smirk.

Jasper followed me to the shed to get my bike. I'd spent a lot of money on it, so I kept it in the shed since I didn't have a garage. I was thinking about adding a garage at some point, but that was one of the last things on the list. Essentials like a stove and working water heater were at the top of the list.

"So you smoke cigarettes now too," Jasper said as he handed me my helmet.

"Yeah."

"You know that you'll get lung cancer from that?" he said trying to scare me. I burst out laughing.

"Jasper? Seriously? With all the things that have happened to me and all my near death experiences, it would be pretty fucking ironic if lung cancer was the thing to finally take me out. If that ends up being the death of me, I will shake death's hand and congratulate him on a job well done," I said, still laughing. Jasper didn't think it was quite as funny as I did, but that was his problem.

I took one more long drag and then crushed the butt under my foot. "Let's do this. You're riding bitch."


	5. Catching up with more tragedy

Their new home was deep in the forest farther into the Adirondack Mountains than I was. It was a gorgeous house that looked like you might imagine an expensive mountain ski lodge to look like. It was a completely different style from the house in Forks, but still extravagant.

I laughed at Jasper's expression as he got off the bike. He actually seemed a little shaky.

"Bella, darlin'? You do realize that you are a human and crashing your motorcycle at such speeds will kill you?" he asked.

"Yeah," I responded. He shook his head at me.

I stood completely still looking at the large home for a minute before Jasper finally took my hand and led me to the front door. He leaned down and whispered in my ear, "It'll be just fine, Bella."

I couldn't figure out what kind of agreement Jasper and I had, but I was holding onto him like a life preserver. He had always kept his distance from me before, though that was probably just Edward trying to 'keep me out of danger.' After my little confession the night before I felt like I could trust him, and I couldn't turn off my emotions now, so he could feel what I was feeling anyway.

Suddenly the door flew open and Esme was standing there in front of us. I could see she would have been crying if she could.

"Bella? Is it really you?"

"Hi Esme," I said, trying to keep the emotion out of my voice.

"Bella, can I give you a hug?" she asked, hesitantly. I nodded slowly and then was nearly knocked over by the force of her. It took me a couple seconds but I finally hugged her back. I just wasn't used to this kind of physical affection anymore.

"Bella, it's good to see you again," Carlisle said from behind Esme. I hadn't even seen him come up to us. He pulled me into a hug too, though Esme was reluctant to release me.

"I'm sorry we left you, Bella," he whispered in my ear. I didn't respond. I couldn't.

After a long hug, Carlisle finally pulled back and put his hand at the small of my back to lead me into the living room where Rosalie and Emmett were waiting.

"Is Garrett here too?" I asked noticing his absence. I didn't mention the absence of Alice and Edward. It was too painful.

"No. He left to give us time together. He'll be back tomorrow," Carlisle explained. "Let's have a seat and catch up."

Now was the moment of truth. How much was I going to let them in? How much was I going to tell them? How much was I going to trust them? If they broke me again, I didn't think I could live through it. But really, what the fuck was the difference? I was practically already dead. I decided that I'd eventually tell them everything, but I would gloss over certain parts for now. I took a seat on the lone chair while everyone else split between the sofa and loveseat.

"So what would you like to know?" I asked.

"Why don't you tell us what you've been up to since we last saw each other?" Carlisle suggested.

"You mean, since you all left without saying goodbye," I clarified.

"Yeah, since then," Emmett agreed, looking like someone had run over his puppy.

"Well, I stayed in Forks for about another year and a half. Then I moved to Seattle, and then I moved to Saratoga Springs about two years ago. And about six months ago, I bought a house ten miles away from here. That's about it," I said.

"How about we get an extended version of that?" Jasper suggested with a smirk.

"What do you want from me? After you guys left I fell apart. Is that what you want to hear? I was a silly teenage girl that thought I found my soul mate. I had a new family I was part of. I had a future I had chosen. I was going to spend forever with my soul mate, at least if I had a choice about it. So when you all left…fuck…he left me in the woods after telling me that he didn't love me anymore and didn't want me. The people I thought of as my family left without saying goodbye and without any way of ever contacting you again. I fucking fell apart. I was never the strong one."

I reigned in my anger and continued explaining with a more monotone voice. "I did eventually start to move on. I got mauled by a bear the summer after you left. Luckily my clothes hide the scars," I paused as Jasper cleared his throat.

"Oh, whatever Jasper," I snapped. "He doesn't think it looks like a bear mauling. It was brown and it was furry. I don't really care what it was," I said, irritated.

"I finally moved on and started dating my best friend Jake. It took a lot of time and a lot of work, but I moved on. Then at Christmas, just over a year after you left, Renee and Phil were visiting and staying at our house. I was still dating Jake at that time and I was over at his house to give him his Christmas present and I got home really late that night. When I got back my house was on fire. There was a gas leak and an explosion. They all died.

"Then the following spring, Jake found his true soul mate and left me too. That was fun for me, of course, but I really _am_ happy for them. Her name is Sarah and they really are perfect for each other," I said, sincerely. "True soul mates. I can't begrudge them that. After Jake and I broke up I moved to Seattle for a while.

"I started dating this guy, Dave. After several months, he started getting abusive but I didn't really care because I had a pretty low opinion of myself by that point. We moved to Saratoga Springs together. I broke up with him shortly after the move." I was getting tired of rehashing my past, so I sped through the rest. "I met Garrett. I bought a house. I saw you guys last night, and that's the story of my life for the past five years. So what have you guys been up to?" I asked with a polite smile. I was ready for the storytelling to be over.

Nobody said anything for probably five minutes and the vampires were still as statues. Finally I got up. "I'm going to get a drink. Maybe you guys could unfreeze by the time I get back?" I went into the kitchen and looked in the fridge. Esme had gone shopping for me. I pulled out a soda and took a drink. I popped a Vicodin and then went back into the living room. Luckily everyone had unfrozen in my absence.

"Bella, we were all sorry for leaving you in the first place, but we must apologize for leaving you to deal with your parents deaths all by yourself. It doesn't sound like you've had a very easy time of it over the years. We've missed you so much. We should have investigated further than Alice's vision of your death," Carlisle said. He was staring at his lap, looking ashamed and like he was about to start crying.

"It's in the past," I said dismissively.

"So really, what have you guys been up to for the past five years?"

They all looked back and forth between themselves and I felt a sense of dread cover me.

"What happened?" I asked. Jasper came over to me and sat down on the arm of my chair.

Jasper sighed. "There isn't any way to avoid telling you, so we're just going to come out and say it. About six months after we left, Alice got a vision of you killing yourself. She saw you jumping off a cliff and falling into the water."

"I used to go cliff diving in LaPush," I explained.

"Alice got the vision of you jumping and…she didn't see you come out of the water. Edward was not with us at the time, but he ended up finding out about the vision the following day and…"

"No!" I shouted. He couldn't have. He _wouldn't_ have. I told him that he couldn't ever do that when we had that stupid conversation during Romeo and Juliet the day of my birthday.

Carlisle picked up the story from there. "Edward went to the Volturi," he paused and I nodded my understanding, "he asked to be killed but they denied his request." I felt the hope surge in my chest.

Jasper continued, "We were all out on a hunting trip that day, except Alice. Alice had refused to go as she was mourning your death but she insisted that I go along to hunt. She said she wanted some time alone. She started getting the visions of Edward's…plans and she flew to Italy alone to stop him. He was going to expose himself in Volterra and force their hand. Alice tried to stop him. She called when she was driving from the airport in Rome to Volterra and explained the situation to us. She said the outcome could go either way and she had to at least _try_ to stop him."

I had tears streaming down my face. I willed them not to say it. I violently shook my head at them.

"Bella honey, she tried to stop him, but she was too late and they were both killed for exposing themselves in public," Carlisle said softly.

"No!" I cried. "No!" Jasper wrapped his arms around me, the others were holding onto each other. The room was filled with the sounds of everyone sobbing. I was oddly thankful that I at least had tears to cry. I sobbed until my tears ran dry and then I just sat there in numb silence, still in Jasper's arms.

We'd been probably sitting there for an hour when I finally had to get up. "Excuse me for a minute." My voice was dead again.

I went out to the front porch and lit up a cigarette. Then I pulled out another Vicodin and popped it in my mouth and swallowed it dry. Jasper came out a couple minutes later and sat down on the steps next to me.

"I know that you feel responsible for what happened to them, but it wasn't your fault," he said quietly.

"_I_ jumped off a cliff which resulted in the deaths of two people that I loved. It _was_ my fault. I should have died that day and I would have if Jake hadn't shown up. I _was_ drowning, but he pulled me out. I _should_ have died."

"It wasn't your fault, Bella and no, you shouldn't have died," Jasper said calmly.

"Actually, you know what my biggest regret in life is?" I asked, looking up at him. He was running his fingers through his messy blond hair.

"Tell me."

"I wish that Edward hadn't been watching me that day in the school parking lot. I was meant to be killed that day by Tyler's van. It was fate. Now fate follows me around and kills the people I love. So many deaths are on my hands. So many. Charlie and Renee and Phil? All my fault. Renee and Phil only came for Christmas because we'd just announced our engagement. It was supposed to be me that died. I was the one that was supposed to die. Why can't I? Why do all the people around me die, when I can't?" I cried. I thought I was out of tears, but they started flowing down my cheeks again. "How can you not hate me, Jasper? It's my fault that your wife is dead. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm so sorry," I sobbed.

Jasper picked me up and put me on his lap and whispered in my ear over and over that it wasn't my fault. I whispered to him over and over that I was sorry. I guess we'd just have to agree to disagree on that point.

Eventually the emotional turmoil and the pills caught up with me, with possible empathic influence as well, and I felt sleep come over me. I tried to fight it, but I was all out of fight.

***

I woke up with that familiar post-high/post-breakdown ache. I was in a bedroom that was not my own. It was painted a pale blue and there was a large bookshelf filled with old books. It took me a couple minutes to figure out where I was and then another minute to remember everything that had happened.

I sat up in bed, sorry that I had to leave the most comfortable bed I'd ever slept on. Glancing at the clock I saw it was already three o'clock in the afternoon. I wasn't used to sleeping as much as I had the last couple days. I looked over and saw an attached bathroom with the door slightly open. I went in and looked myself over in the mirror. I looked like shit. I looked strung out. I looked half-dead. Let me tell you, I felt it too.

I washed my face and rinsed out my mouth, but it didn't do much good.

I heard a knock on the bedroom door. "Come in," I called. I stuck my head out of the bathroom door to see Rosalie and Esme. Rosalie had a small pile of clothes in her arms.

"Hey guys," I said. What was I supposed to say after everything we'd learned about each other? At least I hadn't burdened them with my entire story.

Esme spoke up first. "Bella dear, I was wondering if you would like me to make you some dinner. A chicken salad perhaps?"

"That sounds wonderful, Esme. Thank you."

"If you'd like you could take a shower and I have a change of clothes you could use," Rosalie said. "There's a new toothbrush in the drawer too.

"Actually that sounds wonderful too. I'm looking pretty awful right now," I responded with an embarrassed smile.

"You've been having a tough time. It's understandable," Esme said.

"It's pretty embarrassing actually, but at least you aren't seeing me at my worst," I said.

Esme and Rosalie exchanged a glance and looked even more distraught. I sighed, feeling guilty. "I didn't say that to make you feel bad," I said.

"It's okay Bella. We just are glad that you are back in our lives," Esme said. "I'll go start on your dinner and let you get cleaned up." I nodded to her and she was gone without me seeing her leave.

"That's going to take a little getting used to again," I joked. Rosalie laughed.

"You know Bella, I never really apologized to you for how I used to treat you, so I'll say it now. I was awful to you. I was a complete bitch. I never gave you a chance and I never saw how good you were for our family until we left. You were always so kind to me even with how I treated you. The thing that I hated most is that…well…this isn't the life I would have chosen for myself. I wanted to get married and have babies and grow old. I have happiness in my life, but I still was angry with you for wanting this. You had the choice I didn't have and I thought you were choosing wrong." Rosalie sighed. "What I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry and I want to start again and get to know you."

I walked over and pulled her into a hug. "I'd be happy to start over, Rose. You know, I never wanted those things for my life. After my parent's disastrous marriage, I never wanted to get married. I never wanted kids and I physically can't so that's neither here nor there. I can't imagine that I will survive long enough to grow old. I never wanted to be a vampire because it was a cool thing to do. I was perhaps…well, definitely…naïve and thought Edward was my soul mate and I wanted to spend forever with him." I paused.

"Rosalie, I've learned a lot over the years and I know now that my relationship with Edward was never a healthy one. He was controlling, liked to make decisions for me, was constantly paranoid about me getting hurt and he was often condescending. He wanted to keep me human and stay with me until I grew old, but never would have had sex with me because it was 'dangerous.' It was frustrating enough when I was seventeen, but I'm a grown woman now and that wouldn't come close to being enough for me." We both laughed.

"It was never an equal relationship and I'm not sure it would have worked even if he'd stayed and eventually turned me, but I did love him and a part of me will always love him. I feel bad saying these things now that I know…he's gone, but it is still the truth." I sighed loudly.

"I should get ready," I said to change the subject.

"Bella, I don't mean to pry, but you said you can't have children. Do you mind me asking why?" Rose asked. I could tell she was scared of offending me.

"I don't mind you asking, but it is a long story and not one for today. I will tell you about it someday. I think I've done enough soul baring today and I'm emotionally exhausted," I explained.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked," Rose said softly. I could tell she felt awful for asking.

"Rose, I'm not offended. Don't worry about it. Look, I'm going to take a quick shower, but we can talk while I eat dinner, okay?" I suggested. She nodded and flitted gracefully from the room.

Their shower was really nice. Seriously. There were two shower heads that seriously made it feel like I was getting a warm message. It was wonderful. I just can't stress that enough.

I took a look at the clothes Rose brought in. A pair of yoga pants and a tank top. They were pretty comfortable actually. They'd all be seeing my scars of course, but I wouldn't be surprised if they planned that. I knew I wasn't very forthcoming with details…actually, I'd skipped out on _most_ of the important details. I'd eventually tell them, but my heart still wasn't comfortable with letting them know everything. I brushed my hair and left it down, hoping to keep my scars less noticeable. My hair was only a little longer than shoulder length, so I knew it wouldn't work for a second, but it can't hurt to try, right?

Once I caught a whiff from the kitchen, it was all I could do not to run in there full speed. "Esme? It smells amazing in here!" I exclaimed when I got there.

"Well I hope you like it. I marinated some chicken and grilled it for a salad and I baked some fresh tomato and mozzarella focaccia bread," she explained.

"It smells amazing. I don't really cook anymore and I really miss having home-cooked meals. I have a crockpot that I use for all my cooking for now," I said as she set my plate down in front of me.

"Jasper said that you are renovating your house all by yourself," Esme said with a huge smile on her face.

"You'll have to come and see what I've done. Since I'm doing it all by myself, it's taking a lot of time, but I love it. I feel like I've actually accomplished something when I'm done with a project," I said.

"Tell me about what you've done," she said sitting across from me. Rosalie came and sat down at the table too, soon followed by Jasper, Emmett, and Carlisle.

"Well, I started on waterproofing. It's an old hunting cabin that hadn't been used at all in years. I had to hire someone to replace all the wiring in the house before I moved in, and I also reshingled before moving in. That was my first project. Then I had to reseal between the logs of the house, and replace some of the sheetrock on some of the inner walls. The living room and bedroom are finished, though I haven't really done any final painting or decorating, I've just done the priming of the walls. I probably won't do any finishing touches until the house is a little more complete.

"My current project is the kitchen. I just finished installing the cabinets, so next I'll tile the floor and install countertops. When that's done I'll get the appliances, but I've already picked out what I want. Actually, the _very_ next thing I need to do is replace the water heater. I knew it was going to need to be done soon, but my last couple showers were cold ones, so I'll need to do it sooner rather than later.

"Lots of cold showers?" Emmett asked suggestively.

"Of course, Emmett. Lots and lots of cold showers," I said with a suggestive smile.

"Oh, I also forgot to mention that one of my first projects was clearing a running path in the woods behind my house. That was really tough because I wasn't in as good of shape as now, but it was fun to do. It's about ten miles long but I've been thinking about extending the loop to about 15 miles," I smiled.

Emmett started laughing loudly. "You run?"

"Yes. Jasper asked the same thing. I know it's surprising, but I'm not as clumsy as I used to be. I run almost every day and I also usually alternate everyday between yoga and kickboxing. The kickboxing classes are down at the YMCA. I'm not the same uncoordinated teenager I used to be," I said with a small proud smile. I was proud of the improvements I'd made in that area of my life.

Carlisle was the next to speak up. "Bella, I don't mean to be rude, but we can see the top of the scars on your back. May I see them closer?" I could tell he was bursting with curiosity. I didn't say a thing, but sighed heavily and stood up. I turned away from them and pulled up the back of my shirt, like I had done with Jasper. The collective hiss behind me was so comical I couldn't keep from laughing.

"Those aren't from a bear," Emmett said with authority. I pulled my shirt back down and sat down at the table again.

"What makes you an expert?" I asked.

"Do you forget that I was mauled by a bear before being turned?" he asked with a booming laugh.

I could feel myself turn bright red. "Oh yeah. That would probably make you an authority on bear maulings, huh?"

Everyone else joined in the laughing, and if possible, I turned even redder. "I don't really remember that day well," I said, and as I hoped, they allowed the subject to drop.

"Now it's my turn for some questions. Are you guys going through high school again?" I couldn't help laughing. Now that I was older, I couldn't imagine going to high school over and over again. They probably could get away with not doing that as Rosalie was the youngest now, being nineteen when she was turned.

"No, thank god," Jasper said with a laugh. "This time we're all just friends living together. Two married couples and I'm the bachelor," Jasper explained. "All of us but Carlisle are starting college in a couple weeks. Esme is even coming with us this time."

"What are you going to study, Esme?"

"I'm studying architecture, Jasper is studying philosophy, Emmett is studying Physics, and Rosalie is studying mechanical engineering," Esme explained.

"That sounds like fun. A lot of work, well, for a human like me, but it still sounds like a lot of fun at the same time," I laughed. "I took a couple classes at the community college the fall semester after high school, but I never went farther than that."

"Why don't you?" Carlisle asked.

I gave him a small smile. "I don't think that's in the cards for me, Carlisle. Besides, I can't really think of anything I'd want to go to school for anyway. I don't need to work at all. I invested a lot of the insurance money from my parents and I did pretty well for having no experience, so I don't need to have a career."

"You should still consider it. Take a couple classes that sound interesting to you. You never know what class might lead to your passion in life," Esme said.

"I'm really more worried about simply existing at this point in my life, but I appreciate the advice," I said, trying to keep the slight irritation I was feeling out of my voice. She was giving me good advice and I knew they were worried about me. I understood and appreciated that, but I knew that my life was never going to be simple. Too much had happened. I was never going to lead a normal happy life. That was one thing that I'd learned and finally accepted about myself.

Rosalie picked up the conversation then by telling me about a recent trip she and Emmett took to Paris. I even tried to pay attention when she was talking about the clothing designs and some dreadful event she referred to as "Fashion Week".

"Bella, I know that you live very close and you are a grown adult now, but what would you say to a sleep over? Rosalie mentioned that you don't work until Saturday. You could stay for the week if you wanted. Even if you just stayed for a night or two, it would mean a lot to me, to all of us really. We've all missed you so much. You have no idea how stunned I was to find out that not only were you alive, but living so close," Esme said. I wanted to say no. I was really getting overwhelmed and I wanted to be in my own home, my escape, but Esme looked like she was about to burst into tears. I opened my mouth to decline, but I couldn't get the words out.

I stood up and walked around the table to Esme and pulled her up into a hug. "I'd love to stay for a day or two. That would be very nice." I saw Jasper in the corner of my eye with a knowing smile on his face.

"Perhaps I could drive you back to your house so you can pack a bag. I'd love to see your renovations," Esme said with excitement.

I was hesitant again, but agreed that it would be alright. I noticed Jasper trying to communicate with the others at vampire speed and at a volume too low for my human ears to hear. I raised an eyebrow and looked at him expectantly.

When he felt the change in my emotions he looked over at me with a wry smile on his face. "You always were more observant than the average human. They wanted to all go to see your home. I was suggesting that maybe we slow down a little to give you a chance to adjust to things first."

I spoke to all of them when I said, "I would appreciate taking things slowly. I've been a loner for a long time now." The smile on my face grew, "And Jasper, when have I _ever_ been a normal human?"


	6. Movie Night

Esme was so excited when we arrived at my house. "Oh, Bella, this is such a wonderful home. It fits your personality so well, although I still can't believe that you are doing all this repair work yourself."

"Thank you, Esme. I've been having a lot of fun with it. Plus it gives me something to do. I am comfortable financially now, so I don't really need to work. I do because it gets me out of the house and I continue to bring in money, but I don't need to. This house gives me a purpose," I explained.

"I know what you mean. Moving so often can be very hard on us, but every time we move, I get to renovate a new house. I enjoy the decorating and seeing everything come together. I come from the generation of women who took a lot of pride in their home," Esme responded.

I gave her a tour of the house and projects, including both completed projects and things still to be done. I was a little surprised how happy it made me that she was so excited about it. I had put a lot of work into it and it was nice to hear the compliments.

"Would you like help with anything? We could get it done quickly and you wouldn't have to live in a construction zone," Esme joked.

"No," I objected a little too loudly. She looked surprised and a little hurt by my response so I quickly explained. "I told you, this house gives me purpose. Right now it is the _only_ thing that gives me a purpose. I need to do this myself and at my own pace. Plus I really enjoy it."

"Of course, Bella. I understand. If at any time you do need help, even if it's just with heavy lifting, please don't hesitate to ask," she said with an understanding smile.

After the complete tour, Esme sat on my bed and talked while I packed a bag. "Bella, you know, you being here has already made a huge change in Jasper. It has been good for him to have Garrett visit. They've spent a lot of time talking and I can see it's helped, but ever since they found you the other night…he seems less…hopeless?" She said, struggling to explain.

"What do you mean?" I asked apologetically. I was completely confused.

"The past five years have been extremely hard on Jasper. For all of us really, but especially Jasper. He never forgave himself for what happened at your birthday party. He felt it was his fault, for us leaving you all alone, for hurting the family, for Alice losing her best friend. Then when…when it happened…he blamed himself for that. You know we thought you killed yourself? He felt that if he hadn't tried to attack you, Edward wouldn't have left, you wouldn't have been depressed, you wouldn't have died, and Alice and Edward wouldn't have died. He's felt the burden of being the cause of all of that for so long. We have tried to tell him that it was nobody's fault, but he still feels that guilt.

"Now that he knows you are still alive, I think he feels less guilt. He also feels less lonely I think. He feels a connection with you because you have suffered great tragedy in our absence and he relates to having to deal with it without your mate beside you. The rest of us have had our mate to comfort us through our grief. We've done what we can to support him and comfort him, but…he is without his mate. I think that maybe he feels like you understand better than the rest of us. Does that make any sense?" Esme asked.

"Yes," I said aloud. _But he still had family by his side. I had no one._ I wouldn't vocalize my thoughts, but I still felt the bitterness that had become a familiar emotion in me.

"I know you've had a really tough time, Bella. I know that we have no right to be prying into your business, especially after we left you the way we did, but Bella we all love you and we are worried about you," Esme said in a very subdued voice. She looked down at her hands in her lap as she spoke. She looked…ashamed? That didn't make sense.

"Esme, I'm really doing alright. I'm living my life as a human, just like Edward wanted when he left me."

"He didn't just want you to simply be alive. He wanted you to be happy."

"He knew as well as me that you don't always get what you want."

"Bella, I'm so very sorry for what we did to you. I am ashamed of our leaving you like we did. We felt that we needed to support our son, but we needed to support our daughter as well and we didn't. I did the wrong thing, Bella and I cannot express how sorry I am for that. If there is anything that we can do for you, please tell us. Even if you don't believe it or trust it, we all love you. I hate seeing my daughter in so much pain," Esme said, her voice unsteady.

"Maybe you should talk to _Rosalie_ if you don't like seeing your daughter in pain," I said, trying to sound completely neutral. I was proud of how steady my voice was.

"I mean _you_, Bella. I have thought of you as a daughter from the first day I met you. I didn't always treat you that way. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for leaving like we did. It was wrong. I left my daughter behind. You were in pain. We did nothing. We didn't say goodbye. We didn't write you a letter. We didn't leave you anyway to contact us and we never contacted you. We were wrong. We were wrong,"

A sob escaped her mouth and she clapped her hand over her mouth and closed her eyes tightly. I pulled her into a hug. The different parts of my emotions were in a complete war. I was still very angry at them for leaving me. Furious. But I missed my family. I loved them and I couldn't stand to see Esme cry. Someone so loving shouldn't cry.

"Esme, I don't blame you. Edward was your son. You supported him and his decision. Don't cry over me. Edward taught me a long time ago that I am not worth it. I destroy everything and everyone I touch. Don't cry for me," I said in a whisper.

"Oh, Bella," she sobbed. "You _are_ worth it. We didn't treat you like you were, but you are."

I didn't know what to say. I should have just played along and pretended I wasn't hurt. I should have pretended I was over it. This was one of the reasons it was dangerous for me to be spending time with them. I was in danger of trusting again and I could not afford to do that again. It was better when I was alone. Nobody else to care about. Nobody else to watch hurt. Nobody else to watch die.

"Please Esme. Don't cry for me," I whispered.

I wanted to say something to make her feel better, but I couldn't bring myself to say the words. Instead I concentrated for a moment to shut down my emotions; it was easier that time. When she finally calmed down, I decided distraction and avoidance were the best methods of ignoring the whole situation. "Are you all ready to go? I heard Emmett mention a vampire movie marathon for tonight."

Esme, or course, knew what I was doing, but she nodded nevertheless. I thought we would be able to pretend that it hadn't happened, but of course, when does anything I hope for work out the way I want it to?

"I know what you're doing and that's fine. I will tell you again and again until you believe me. You are my daughter and I love you," she said. I didn't say anything, but rather smiled softly at her and I knew I wasn't hiding the sadness in my expression.

We walked to the door but I stopped her. "Could you carry my bag out to the car for me, Esme? I forgot something, but I'll be right out."

"Of course, sweetheart," she responded with a smile. I could practically feel her suspicion, but she didn't say anything. I went back into the living room and got out my stash. I looked at the box sitting in my hands and hated myself for getting into this again. I had worked hard quitting before and now I was already finding myself dependant on a chemical release from my emotions.

I knew that they would all know I was high, but I couldn't find it in myself to care enough to abstain. I normally smoked it, but I knew that the smell would cling to me, so instead I poured out a little pile of opium onto the glass coffee table and rolled up a dollar bill. It was much less that I normally did, really not even enough to get high, just take the edge off. I looked at it for a second, letting my self-hatred consume me, and then finally gave in to my craving. I leaned down and snorted the white powder.

I held my breath as I felt the drug hit my bloodstream. The rush of endorphins was overwhelming and made me feel like I was home. It was happiness. Artificial happiness, but that was okay with me. From my experience that's all happiness really was \- artificial.

I felt like I was losing control of myself again. I'd been doing so much better, but now I was fighting a battle with myself again. I couldn't help but feel that I was losing either way.

I put a couple Percocet's and Oxicodone's from my stash in my pocket and then put everything back in the box and put it away. I locked up the house and went out to the car where Esme was waiting with a devastated face. I pretended there was nothing wrong and sat in an uncomfortable silence as she drove back to their house.

***

Movie night was really starting out to be fun. We all changed into our pajamas to go with the pajama party theme and they made me popcorn and root beer floats. The first movie, of course, was Interview with the Vampire. Following the movie, we had a little discussion of the immortal children. I could see it was a very sensitive subject. They explained how Tanya, Kate and Irina's mother was killed because she had created an immortal child. It was heartbreaking.

"I can understand the people that turned the children. I could see it being very heartbreaking for a woman to become a vampire and know she could never have children," I said.

"That was one of the hardest things for me becoming what I am," Rosalie said. "Back in my day, that was what I planned for my life. I wanted to get married, be a good housewife and make babies." I could hear the sadness and loss in her voice as she explained.

"It's understandable. It is hard to find out that you are unable to have kids," I said. "Even if you didn't want kids, to find out that you _can't_ have them…." I let my sentence trail off. "Well, it just sucks."

"Bella?" Jasper inquired, probably sensing my pain. I shook my head at him. I wasn't going to share that yet. I shouldn't have mentioned it.

There was a slight uncomfortable silence for a couple seconds before Emmett thankfully changed the subject. "Next on the agenda: Queen of the Damned."

"I love that movie," I exclaimed with a bit more enthusiasm than I was actually feeling.

"It's ridiculous," Rosalie said with mock outrage.

"I still like it. I like Akisha," I said. "She just walks through the room and kills them by looking at them."

"That would be a scary gift for a vampire to have," Emmett said.

"Don't be scared Emmett. It's just a movie," I said.

"Ha, ha, ha," he said, rolling his eyes. I just giggled at him.

We laughed at the ridiculous Hollywood representations of vampires. We even watched a couple episodes of Buffy, though I think that was more for my benefit. About nine o'clock the next morning I took a couple Percocet's so I would be able to sleep and about an hour later I finally said that I needed to get some sleep. They'd been suggesting I go to bed for the previous twelve hours. I kept explaining that I didn't need much sleep, but they didn't want to believe me.

"Let me walk you upstairs, Bella," Esme said. I smiled and nodded. She led me to the room I had slept in before.

"Thank you for your hospitality, Esme," I said.

"Bella, I am just beyond thrilled that you are here. You are welcome here any time. Please consider this your room when you stay with us and just let me know if you need anything."

"Thank you, Esme," I said softly and gave her a big hug. "I really have missed you, Esme." She pulled down the covers for me which I was thankful for. The drugs had fully kicked in and I was having trouble keeping my eyes open.

"We've missed you too Bella. It just isn't the same without you. You bring our family so much happiness," she said with a sad smile. I smiled back, but my head was swimming.

"Thank you for caring," I whispered as I felt myself fading. After I heard the door close, I murmured, "It's been so long since someone has cared."


	7. My life has gone to the wolves

It was only a couple hours later that I woke, but I felt more refreshed by the day's sleep than I had in a while. I stayed cuddled up in the blankets for a while before I sensed someone else in the room with me, but didn't want to open my eyes to see who it was.

"Is stalking the favorite vampire pastime?" I mumbled in a voice a human wouldn't be able to hear.

I loved the sound of Jasper's answering chuckle. "Probably. In this family at least," he joked.

"Have you been here the entire night…err…day?" I asked, still not moving from my cocoon of blankets.

"I've been here a couple hours. You were having nightmares so I helped a little. I hope you don't mind," Jasper said.

"Not at all," I responded. "It is nice having such good sleep for a change and I should point out that this is the most comfortable bed I have ever slept on. I think I may need to get one for home. Of course, after I replace my shower head with the ones that you guys have. It's the simple things in life…" I let my sentence trail off.

"It is," Jasper agreed. I couldn't see him from my position, but I could hear the smile in his voice.

"I should probably get up for the day, huh? What time is it?" I asked, though still not moving.

"It is three in the afternoon. I'll let you get ready and let Esme know that you'll be needing human food," Jasper said.

"She doesn't have to cook for me all the time. I can cook too," I said, knowing my half-hearted argument was worthless.

"You know that she loves cooking for you," Jasper teased.

"Yeah, I know. Maybe I'd feel better about it if the rest of you ate with me," I suggested.

"Who knows? Maybe you could talk Emmett into it if you worked on your pouty expression enough," Jasper laughed.

I heard Emmett's voice booming from downstairs, "Not likely!"

"But, Emmett, I feel so out of place being the only one eating," I whined. I heard chuckles coming from other parts of the house.

"I'll let you get ready, Bella," Jasper said and I heard the door shut behind him when he left.

I lay there for a couple more minutes, before finally rolling out of bed. I enjoyed the wonderful, heavenly shower once again and took my time getting ready. Yes, I was definitely going to have to do more of a renovation to the bathroom than I'd originally planned. It was so worth it.

I eventually went down to the kitchen to find everyone sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me. I sat down at the kitchen table and Esme placed a plate in front of me with scrambled eggs, hash browns, bacon and sausage.

"Hey Garrett! When did you get back?" I asked as he walked into the kitchen.

"I got back just after you went to sleep for the day," he said.

"You missed a fun vampire movie marathon last night," I joked. He laughed heartily.

Emmett spoke up excitedly, "We didn't finish Bella. There are still plenty more vampire movies to watch and we only got through a couple of the Buffy episodes." We all chuckled. "Besides, Bella, you remind me of Buffy."

"How's that?" I asked, amused.

"You show no fear, surrounded by vampires," he explained. "…and you're pretty tough…for a human."

I just shook my head at him, and said in a sweet, condescending voice, "I hate telling you this, Emmett, but you're really not that scary. You're just a big teddy bear." He snarled menacingly at me and I laughed along with everyone else.

"Bella?" Carlisle started, and I could feel the tension in the room increase.

Ugh. What now? "Yes?"

"We were wondering if you would be willing to discuss what you were talking about in your sleep."

"What was I saying?" I asked in a dejected voice.

"You were going on and on about a curse and a prophesy," Rosalie said.

"And something about a 'god-damned carnival gypsy'," Emmett added lightly.

I laughed. "It was nothing really. I went to a county carnival back in Washington a couple years back, before I moved, and there was a crazy gypsy that 'told me my future'." I explained. "She was a little out there, if you know what I mean, and then when we left her tent, she followed me around until we finally had to leave the carnival."

"What did she tell you?" Esme asked, now noticeably more interested.

"She told me that I was cursed to untold amounts of tragedy and heartache. She said that I was an answer to some prophesy. I would be marked by three creatures of the night and I would never die. She said I would bring healing to thousands of souls. Look, she was just a carnival gypsy. A quack," I said rolling my eyes at them.

"Are you sure?" Jasper asked. "The other night after you'd had some drinks, you seemed to put more stock into what she said. You mentioned that she knew what Jake was. What is Jake?"

_Shit._ "I don't know what you're talking about. You really shouldn't rely on the ramblings of a drunk woman, Jasper," I scolded.

Carlisle and Jasper both looked at me skeptically, but everyone else was trying, unsuccessfully I might add, to keep from laughing. Eventually they all gave up and even Carlisle, Jasper, and I joined in.

Still chuckling, Jasper tried again. "Seriously, Bella, what is Jake?"

There really wasn't a way around it. They'd probably find out eventually or I'd let it slip at some point, so finally I decided to just get it out. "Okay, fine. Jake's a wolf." The whole room went silent. I burst out laughing. I couldn't help it. I was surrounded by vampires, one was even a human-drinker, and I managed to shock them all into silence.

"You were engaged to a werewolf?" Rose said in a high, strained voice.

I figured I might as well have fun with them. "Um, actually, the Quileutes' aren't actually werewolves. They are shape shifters that have taken on the wolf form."

"How do you know this?" Carlisle asked, obviously surprised.

"True werewolves are venomous, like vampires, and their phasing is influenced by the phases of the moon. The Quileute pack can shift at any time and it's genetically passed on to the next generation. Plus true werewolves are much more temperamental," I explained.

"The Quileute _Pack_?" Jasper asked weakly.

I was about to answer, but Carlisle spoke up. "There was a pack our first time in Forks, before you and Alice joined us. They were the ones we made the treaty with, but I thought the gene had died out." I could see the scientist in Carlisle as he thought about it.

"It was dependent on vampires in the area. The gene became active again when you moved back to Forks. It triggered the start of the new pack."

"How big of a pack was there?" Esme asked, quite concerned.

"When you were there, there were just three, but the gene was already triggered, the change started, and the pack grew to thirteen," I said.

"So when we left, you started dating a werewolf, or a _shape shifter_, to be specific?" Rosalie asked, incredulously.

"We were just friends at that point; for a long time actually. Plus, he wasn't a wolf when we started hanging out," I said, rolling my eyes. "It's not like I purposely went out and made friends with the first mythical creature I found. I've known him since we were children."

"A young werewolf is even worse!" Emmett exclaimed.

"Your scars!" Jasper yelled, a little too loudly as he made the connection. We all jumped at the sudden noise.

"Well…it was an accident," I said. I really didn't want to get into it.

"An accident that left you scarred for the rest of your life!" Rose said.

"Yes, but it was still an accident. They have to be careful with their tempers and I knew that. I pushed him and I knew he was losing it, but I kept pushing. He phased too close to me, but it was an accident," I said firmly. "I knew the risks of being around the wolves, just as I know the risks of being around vampires. I took that risk and I am scarred because of it. It doesn't change the fact that it was an accident."

"But…" Emmett started saying.

"No buts, Emmett. It was an accident. End of discussion."

There was a short, uncomfortable silence as everyone tried their best to hold their tongues. I could see the effort it was taking them to leave it alone.

Jasper was the first to speak. "I was just rethinking the entire conversation and I think there is something that we should revisit," he said very formally. "You said that true werewolves are, and I quote, 'much more temperamental'. That implies that you have at least met a true werewolf."

It was rather comical to see everyone's faces when they realized what he was saying. I rolled my eyes.

"It's really not a big deal," I said. "It's not like I dated one." Emmett and Garrett thought it was pretty funny, but for some reason the others didn't. They really needed to work on their sense of humor.

"I'm glad you did not date the werewolf, but would you indulge us by telling us how you met a werewolf?" Jasper asked, just slightly amused.

"You're so formal, Jasper. Look, it's no big deal. I met a couple brothers that happen to be werewolves. It's not like I knew what they were for the first couple times, either."

"Are you _still_ friends with them?" Emmett asked, trying not to laugh.

"I wouldn't really call us friends, but I do, on occasion, see them," I said. Jasper raised his eyebrows. "What? They sell good weed." He just shook his head at me.

"And have you been marked by a werewolf?" Carlisle asked. They were starting to get extremely frustrated with me. Carlisle was pinching the bridge of his nose just like Edward used to. I cringed from the stab of pain and wave of nostalgia that hit me at that simple gesture.

"I guess so," I said, reluctantly.

"The 'dog bite' on your hand?" Jasper guessed. I nodded. "No German Shepherd?" he asked with a smirk.

"German Shepherd, werewolf. It's all so confusing," I joked.

"And was _that_ one an accident?" Carlisle asked.

"Um, no, actually that one was intentional, but one of the brothers is a little mentally ill. Can't really blame him for that. He saw my vampire scar and thought I should have a matching one from a werewolf on my other hand. The vampire scar is always colder than the rest of my skin and the werewolf scar is always warmer than the rest of my skin…and it's like a coordinating set," I said with a small smile.

"You were bitten by a mentally ill werewolf," Rosalie stated with a weird expression. "Only you, Bella. You definitely keep things interesting," Rosalie said.

"Like I've said before, I've never been a normal human. I don't have a place that I fit. I don't fit in with the werewolves, I don't fit in with the shape shifters, I don't fit in with the vampires and I don't fit in with the humans. I am a fucking poster child for why weak humans, such as myself, should not try to fit in with supernatural creatures." I held up my hands as an example.

"You fit in here, Bella. You are family." Rose said firmly. "But, didn't you say that true werewolves are venomous?"

I ignored the first part of her statement. "They are. It takes a lot more werewolf venom than it does vampire venom to make the change. It was a little bite, actually it was more of a nip and not very deep, so we just rinsed it out really good. It hurt, but nothing in comparison to James' bite."

There was a very welcome silence as everyone absorbed the new information. Finally Rosalie broke the silence with a light laugh. "So let me get this straight. Your first boyfriend was a vampire and your second was a shape-shifting wolf. What was your next boyfriend? An elf or something?" she asked with a smile.

"No. Dave was a human monster."

"You said he was abusive?" Esme asked quietly.

"Yes, but that is not a story for today," I said firmly. I hoped they understood that conversation was over. Luckily, she just nodded to me.

I sighed. "Look, please don't let this get weird. Well, actually the whole thing, my whole life really, is weird, but you know what I mean. I've experienced quite a bit of life since we've last seen each other and not much of it was pleasant, to be honest. I knew you guys would freak out about most of it, so I figured they were details that you didn't really need. I wasn't planning on bearing my soul to you guys. It's not like it changes anything," I said. I _really_ didn't mean for all that to come out. It was like all of my secrets, one after another, were being revealed and I didn't like it one bit.

Carlisle looked tired when he spoke again. "Back to the original topic of conversation, Bella, I think that this does give some credence to the prophecy you were told about. It is something that you may want to look into further. I do understand that you are uncomfortable revealing all this to us, so I will leave the topic alone. Just please know that we are here for you and you can come to us for anything."

I nodded at him and picked up my empty plate and started walking it to the sink before Esme took it from me. "Thank you, Esme. That was a delicious breakfast. So, Emmett, you in the mood for more Buffy?" Subtle subject change, I know.

We spent the rest of the day and half the night alternating between movies and storytelling. I didn't contribute my stories to the storytelling part of the night, luckily.

I stayed one more night before heading home. I was anxious to return home. I really had become a loner and all the interaction was wearing on me. At the same time, I hated to leave. It was nice being part of a family. I had been so lonely and I had missed them so very much.

I knew I just needed to get it through my head that I wasn't really part of their family. I was a novelty. A human pet. The novelty would wear off. They would leave again.

I knew I was meant to be alone. Why else would everyone around me leave or die?


	9. Scared to trust you again

I was relieved to be home again. I liked my own space. I liked my routine. My routine kept me sane. Wednesday night, my first night back, I spent doing some prep work for my new water heater. I got everything as ready as I could and I went on-line to pick out which water heater I wanted. My showers at the Cullen house inspired me and I decided to go with a much better one than I had originally planned.

When I finally couldn't put off going to bed any longer, I took a cold shower and put on a set of warm, fuzzy pajamas. It was now the first of September and you could feel autumn coming. Soon the leaves would be changing. I went out to sit on my swinging bench back by the woods. I lit up a joint and took a deep hit. I was really wound up and knew I'd need assistance if I was going to get any sleep.

I had told a lot of secrets to the Cullen's. I hadn't meant to spill so much, but deep down, I did trust them. That fact irritated me to no end. I hadn't trusted anyone in a very long time. Trusting people gave them the power to hurt you so much more.

As I swung, I felt the familiar tingling of being watched. "Hello?" I called out. Nobody answered and after a minute or two I forgot about it. My mind was pleasantly apathetic. I knew it must just be one of my usual vampire stalkers. That is, until I heard the crunching of footsteps on my gravel driveway.

I looked over and saw the familiar shaggy red hair and I sighed deeply. "Dave," I acknowledged.

"Bella." He finally stopped in front of me. "You were hard to find, Bella. If I didn't know any better, I would think that you didn't want to be found," he sneered.

"You would be correct. I told you, Dave. It is over. You need to leave," I said without emotion.

"I'm not leaving, bitch. You are going to fucking pay. I spent six months in prison because of you," he spit out. For the first time I looked into his eyes. He looked completely strung out and out of his mind. His eyes were constantly moving, his body twitching. From the light coming from the window, I could see his pupils were completely dilated. He was high. Very high. _Fuck_.

"That was your own fault, Dave. You almost beat me to death. The police caught you in the act, and you still didn't stop when they got there. You…you deserve to die for all you've done," I said trying desperately to keep my voice steady and emotionless.

"You're the one that's going to die, bitch," he said as he suddenly lifted me up by the throat.

I heard a menacing snarl come from the trees. It was too dark to see anything, but I recognized the sound. It wasn't that my vampire stalker(s) weren't there, they were just late. Dave looked around wildly.

"Wild animals. Very dangerous," I choked out. It probably would have sounded nonchalant like I was trying for if he hadn't been cutting off my air supply. He suddenly dropped me and jumped back as Emmett stepped out of the darkness. I took the opportunity to bring my knee up hard into his crotch. He dropped with a sharp cry.

"Fuck! You stupid bitch!"

"Leave. Now," Emmett snarled. I saw Dave look up at Emmett and I could see the fear in his eyes. Emmett took a step toward him, but Dave scrambled away. He stumbled to his feet and ran down the driveway holding his crotch. He'd hidden his motorcycle in the trees a ways away from the house. I'd never heard him coming. He took off as quickly as he could, nearly wiping out on the gravel.

Emmett came and put a protective arm around me and we silently walked over to where his bike had been hidden. I couldn't really see anything, except that the weeds were trampled.

"There are a dozen cigarette butts on the ground and these," Emmett said, bending down to pick up a pair of binoculars I hadn't been able to see. "He was here a while watching you."

"He's angry at me," I said.

"Why?" Emmett asked incredulously.

"He was caught red-handed beating me to death. He went to prison and he wants me to pay for it. Actually, I'm surprised it took him this long to find me. He got out three months ago."

"We'll protect you, Bella," he said with conviction.

"No, Emmett, you won't. I don't need anyone's protection," I said firmly.

"Yes you do Bella. I'm not going to let this creep hurt you," Emmett practically yelled at me.

"Emmett! I do not want to be babysat. I appreciate your concern, but please, respect my decisions," I said quietly. "Now that I know he is here, I will protect myself."

"Bella!" Emmett argued.

"Emmett, you know I love you, but I will not be treated like your weak human pet. I'm not the same teenage girl I was when you used to know me. I'm an adult now, almost twenty-three. I don't want to be babysat. Thank you for being here tonight, but please go back home to Rose now."

"We've just gotten you back in our lives, Bella! I can't let you get killed by a little douche-bag like him! I should have just killed him while he was still here!" Emmett argued.

"Emmett, don't you see? This is my life. These things happen to me on a regular basis. I've had thirty-two near-death experiences since you guys left. Death and I have a little game we play. Death comes-a-knocking, I feel relieved that it's almost over and then death laughs in my face and says 'Maybe next time.'"

"Are you suicidal, Bella?" Emmett asked, as quiet and serious as I've ever seen him.

"Not anymore, Emmett. I just no longer fear death. I welcome it but I've stopped trying to bring death to myself," I said just as seriously.

I felt bad as I looked at Emmett. If he could cry, he would be.

"Bella? Why?"

"Emmett, that prophecy we talked about…I can't die. As much as I want to, I can't die. I get to be immortal but I'm still breakable. I still hurt and I still suffer. I still age. I don't get to be extra beautiful like a vampire. I don't get extra strength or speed or ability. Basically, I get to be immortal but without all the good parts. Maybe at some point, this immortality will run out. Like a cat only gets nine lives, maybe my limit was thirty-two and the next time I have a death experience it won't be a near one, but I honestly don't care anymore. Death would be nothing more than a relief. Death might finally bring me peace. That's all I want anymore," I explained in a whisper. Again, I found myself being too honest with a Cullen.

"But why do you want to die?"

"I have experienced more pain than you understand, Emmett. I have been the cause for so much death. Good people have died trying to protect me. I can't handle the pain. I don't sleep because I see their faces. I relive their deaths in my dreams. I see the light go out of their eyes. I feel their blood on my hands and I know it is entirely my fault that they are gone. It should have been me. If that van had hit me like it was supposed to, so many people would still be alive today. So many. I deserve to pay with my own life," I explained.

Emmett didn't say anything for a long time. "I love you, Bella. I'll leave if you want me to, but please, call me if you need help. We all love you." He looked heartbroken, but I didn't sugar-coat anything anymore. I might lie, I might joke, and I might avoid a subject altogether, but I didn't sugar-coat. This wasn't something that could be or should be sugar-coated.

I watched him silently walk back into the woods at a slow human speed. After I lost sight of him in the darkness, I whispered, "I love you too, Em." I knew he would hear me.

***

I didn't see any of them until Saturday night. They may have been there in the dark, but I never got that 'being watched' feeling that usually gave their presence away. I put away the drugs and threw myself back into exercise. I ran, I did yoga and I went to my kick boxing class at the YMCA. In a moment of strength, I actually flushed my stash of drugs with the exception of the prescription ones. With a life like mine, those are always good to have just in case. I did put them away in the shed, so I wouldn't be tempted to take them for recreational purposes. The drugs were making me weaker and I didn't like being weak.

I spent most of my time thinking about what I wanted for my life. I hadn't been living in a long time. I had merely been surviving. Existing. Was I just going to live like that the rest of my life? Was there any reason for me to live at all if I was just going to accept my life as it was? Was there really an opportunity to have more in my life, or was it just an opportunity to get hurt again.

I was afraid to trust them with my heart again, but even if it was unwise, I did trust them. I knew what I needed to do. I needed to let them in. Maybe they could help me. Maybe I could feel happy again. Maybe I could have a place where I belonged.

Finally, Saturday night came and I had to go back to work. I had decided that it would be my last night. I had plenty of money. I lived very frugally and I knew I could go quite a while without working. It got me out of the house, but I just didn't want to do it anymore. I was going to try to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.

I sighed as I arrived at the back of the club, but as I got to work, I did my best to throw myself into it. I flirted, I served drinks, I had fun, and because I was having so much fun with it, I made a lot of tips. It was about two hours into the night that Garret and the Cullens' came in, including Carlisle and Esme. It was kind of funny seeing Carlisle and Esme out clubbing, but they looked and acted much younger than usual, or rather, they actually acted their physical age. They looked like they were having fun.

I thought it might be a little awkward after several of my rude outbursts at them, but to my pleasant surprise, it wasn't. I did pull Emmett to the side to apologize. I knew everyone would hear us, but it gave the illusion of privacy.

"Emmett, I just wanted to apologize for the other night. I was rude to you and there was no reason for it. You know I love you, right? I just…I've been really…confused ever since last week when you found me. I…ugh…I need my big brother, Emmett…and it…it scares me how much I need and trust you guys. So, yeah, I'm scared. It's been so long since I've depended on or trusted anyone, so I just feel really unsure of myself.

"I used to hate it when I felt like I was being babysat. I don't want to be your family project. I am not a child anymore and I don't want to be treated like one. I'm not the same person as I was as a seventeen year old girl….and…okay…I'm losing my train of thought," I was completely rambling and Emmett's smile grew as I continued stumbling over my words.

"I'm sorry for how I treated you Emmett and I'm working on the trust issue, okay?"

"Okay, Bells. I knew it wasn't anything personal but it is against my nature to leave you alone to deal with danger. Do you understand that?" he asked.

"Yes, I do." I answered.

"We'll have to figure out our new relationship as we go, okay?" he suggested.

"I'd like that, Emmett," I said with a big smile. It might have been Jasper's presence in the room, but I felt nothing but warm fuzzies for Emmett right then. I gave him a big hug and then went back to work.

The Cullen's behaved most of the time, but Emmett and Jasper especially, kept giving me a hard time every time one of my customers flirted with me. Finally after, being 'accidently' bumped into a college boy's lap, I decided to play back.

A couple minutes after I'd made up my mind I had a new group of twenty-something boys.

"Hey babe. How are you doing tonight?" the guy with the dark hair asked after I'd gotten their drink order.

"Oh, I'm doing great. Having a fun boys night out?" I asked with a flirting tone. He looked triumphant at my response to him.

"Yeah, we're having a good time. Hey, I don't usually do this, but would you like to go out sometime?" he suggested.

"Oh, sorry. You're, uh, not really my type and I'm kind of taken. Sorry," I said.

"You're dating someone?" he asked, disappointment apparent in his voice.

"Yeah. Actually, you see that table over there?" I asked, indicating the table across the aisle from them where the Cullen's were sitting. When they heard me, they all looked over at me, wondering why I was pointing them out. "You see the blond there? _You_ can't compete," I said with an apologetic smile. I saw Jasper raise his eyebrow at me, but I ignored him.

"So you're dating the cowboy? I could show you what a real man is like. No competition," he said.

I tried to look surprised at him. "The cowboy? Oh no, the other blond," I said as I blew a kiss to Rose. I was pleased when she went along with it and gave me a smoldering look.

"You were right. It's no competition. You can't even come close to competing with her," I said with a sly smile at the guy before turning my back and going to the bar to get their drinks.

I heard the Cullen's snickering as I went, and Emmett's whisper, "She's right. There's definitely no competition when it comes to Rosie."

Over the next hour, as customers came and went, I managed to use each of the Cullen's as my excuse. Esme looked the most embarrassed, but the favorite seemed to be when I told a nervous looking man celebrating his 21st that I was dating both Emmett and Jasper. They flanked me on both sides, each put an arm around me and asked me if there was a problem. The guy looked terrified.

A while later, Carlisle flagged me down. "Bella, we are going to head back home. It was an entertaining evening to be sure. We were wondering if you'd like to come over tomorrow. We were just going to be hanging around the house and thought you might like to come over and play some games. I know Jasper wanted to give you another chess lesson and Emmett has been going on about Buffy," he said, it sounding more like a question. I giggled in response.

"I'd like that, Carlisle. I'll see you in the morning," I said with a small smile. After a couple days alone I knew what I wanted. I wanted to be part of their family again...with caution.

"We'll see you then," he responded. He gave me a small hug and kissed my forehead.

"Bella, my little human friend, I'll be leaving town tonight. May I stop by your house before I leave? We haven't had much of a chance to speak while I have been here," Garrett asked and I gave him a big hug and he held me tight.

"I would like that Garrett. I'm assuming you know the way?" I asked and he nodded. "I'll be home in an hour and I should be awake for several hours after that."

"I will be there."

***

I took a quick shower when I returned home to remove the greasy bar smell. It was a nice night, pleasantly cool so I went outside to wait for Garrett to arrive. He was sitting on my swinging bench waiting for me, wearing his typical jeans, flannel shirt, hiking boots and a hat that reminded me of my dad's old fishing hat.

"Hey Garrett," I said quietly as I sat down next to him. He put his arm around me and pulled me into his side.

"I'm sorry I didn't get much of a chance to talk this time through town. That was one of the reasons I was looking forward to coming to the area. I had planned on looking you up, but instead I stumbled across your place of employment. It's a small world isn't it?" he said. I could hear the smile in his voice.

"It is a very small world, Garrett. I am glad that we ran into each other again. You know, I never properly thanked you last time I saw you. I wasn't quite ready to _be_ thankful for your pesky interference, if you know what I mean," I said with a laugh.

He chuckled with me. "No, sweetheart, you weren't, but I am glad that it made a difference to you in the long run."

"Garrett, you helped give me a sliver of hope, and that was the only thing that kept me going. I wanted to curl into a little ball and die," I said quietly.

"You still do some days, don't you?" he said more as a statement than a question.

"Yeah, I do," I confirmed.

"The Cullens' are good people, Bella. You should have seen Esme and Carlisle when they heard that you were alive. There was so much joy in the house that night, Jasper was practically jumping up and down like a little girl," he said with a full on laugh.

"I'd like to see that," I laughed.

"Bella, you are good for them. They need you as much as you need them, especially Jasper. The guilt he has been carrying around with him for so long has lessened, knowing that you are alive. There is more life in his eyes," Garrett said very seriously.

"Esme told me the same thing. I'm glad, though I don't quite understand how me being alive helps him, to be honest. I'm really not that important, but I hate seeing him so sad," I said. We sat in comfortable silence for a minute. "I never really got to know Jasper before. He had a harder time adjusting to the diet and it was harder for him to be around me. Alice and Edward asked him to keep his distance. I'm glad I've been able to get to know him more. He has a good sense of humor and he is...comfortable to be around. That may sound weird, but I'm rarely completely comfortable around anyone anymore."

"Jasper is a good man," he said simply.

"Are you trying to set me up, Garrett? I asked elbowing him lightly in the side. He pretended to be hurt by the gesture, but my elbow was actually throbbing.

"No, sweetheart, I'm not trying to set you up," he said, sounding playfully exasperated. "I don't think either of you are ready for something like that. It's just that I've spent a lot of time with him since I've been here and he's been hurting. He is surrounded by mated couples and he has lost his own mate. There is nothing more painful for a vampire than to lose one's mate, or so I have heard. I care about him as a friend and I know that you are both alike in many ways and I think that you two would do each other worlds of good. You need to help each other heal."

There was another comfortable silence. "The last couple days I've been thinking a lot about what I want for my life. Nothing has gone the way it was supposed to. I didn't really have many plans for my future, but this is definitely not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing most of the time, but I'm lonely, Garrett. I missed them so much. It took a lot of work just to be able to say that I need them, but I do," I said

"You need to let them in. You haven't told me everything that happened, though I know you have seen extreme hurt and tragedy, but it isn't me that needs to know what had happened to you. I have the feeling that the Cullens' _do_ need to know," he said.

I nodded in agreement. "It has a lot to do with them. At least some of my story. They...left unfinished business behind. I know they are going to feel guilty for it, and that is not my goal. I don't want them to keep me around because they feel guilty. I don't want them to welcome me back into their family because they feel an obligation to. I don't blame them for what happened but I know they will blame themselves."

"Are you trying to be particularly cryptic? I don't _need_ to know what happened, but you _are_ making me curious," he laughed. I smiled, but didn't respond for several minutes.

"Maybe by the next you come through town, I will be ready to tell you my story," I said, feeling a flicker of hope in me.

"Trust them," he said. "They are not perfect, they make mistakes, but they are genuinely good people. Trust them," he said.

"I want to," I said.

"Trust them," he repeated, more passionately.

"I'll try."

"That's all I ask. I must get going, but if you need me or want to talk, you have my number," Garrett said, getting up from the bench. I got up and gave him a quick hug. He grabbed his bag, tipped his hat and disappeared into the trees. I was sad that I hadn't gotten to spend more time with him while he was in town. I really did enjoy talking to him. He'd been a friend when I had nobody.

I sighed and went inside to make myself a cup of hot chocolate. It was only ten minutes later that I heard heavy footsteps on the front porch, definitely too loud to be a vampire.


	11. The friendly neighborhood vampires

Several hours later, in the early morning, I found myself staring at my cell phone trying to figure out who to call. I was planning on finally letting them get closer. I was finally going to trust them, but now I was afraid that they were going to think that I was only calling because I needed something. I didn't want to be the friend who is only a friend when they need something. I didn't want to have to ask for help. I continued to try to think of what other options I had, but I knew they were my best bet. _What a fucking night!_

I found Jasper's number and my finger hovered over the send button. I took one more deep breath and pushed the button.

"Bella! Are you still coming over this morning?" he sounded so excited to hear from me.

"Yeah, Jasper, I'm still planning on coming. Hey Jasper?" My voice was high and a little squeaky.

"What's wrong?" Jasper asked sharply, falling into his protector mode.

"Nothing's really wrong…anymore…well…you see…I have a little…situation." _Okay, deep breath, then try again. _It all came out in a rush. "So I was thinking, hypothetically of course, about what I would do if I had a body to get rid of, and I was asking myself, 'Who would you call?' So then I thought, 'Of course! The friendly neighborhood vampires would know how to dispose of a body!' So, hypothetically, what would you recommend?" I bit my lip as I waited for his response. He didn't say anything for a full two minutes, but I could hear snarling and arguing in the background.

"Hypothetically?" he asked with a strained voice.

"Sure," I agreed.

"Are you hurt?"

"Oh, I'm fine. Don't worry about lil' old me."

"Bella, we're on our way." He sounded tired.

"Um, Jasper, just so you guys know before you get here, there might, hypothetically, be a lot of blood," I said, dreading his response.

"Is it yours?"

"Hypothetically," I said hesitantly. I could hear them talking in the background.

"Carlisle and I will come. How badly are you hurt?"

"Not badly, really," I squeaked.

"Bella!" He was getting a bit exasperated, and honestly, I couldn't blame him.

"I look pretty bad, but I'll be fine. I don't think there's any permanent damage," I said honestly. I wasn't sure he'd agree with my assessment once he saw me.

"We'll be right there," he said before disconnecting.

I had to watch my steps carefully as the swelling in my face made it difficult to see. I went around to the front of the house to wait, but they were already pulling up in Carlisle's Mercedes.

"Bella!" Jasper gasped. Carlisle was at my side instantly, while Jasper had frozen half way out of the car, looking at me in horror.

"Bella?" Carlisle whispered like he couldn't believe it was actually me and then immediately started taking inventory of my injuries. My face was pretty obviously beaten to a pulp and I was holding a bloody towel over my throat which had been cut with a knife. I'd stopped most of the bleeding so that injury really did look worse than it was, especially because the front of my clothes were drenched in my blood.

"It looks worse than it is," I assured them. "You should see the other guy. Well, actually he doesn't really _look_ that bad, but he _is_ dead, and I think that's really the important thing. If only I'd gotten more hits in," I lamented.

"How did you kill him?" Jasper asked, dumbfounded.

"Uh, I might have snapped his neck," I said, though it ended up sounding more like a question. They raised their eyebrows at me. It was a little comical actually.

"Hypothetically?" Jasper asked.

"Hypothetically," I responded with a small chuckle, but then I moaned at the pain in my ribs. I rolled my eyes at their response. "I'm fine guys. It'll just hurt to laugh for a couple of days. Hopefully my face won't scar too much." Carlisle continued to look over my cuts, but completely froze as he uncovered my neck wound.

"I don't think you'll have major scarring on your face, but some of these cuts will probably leave faint scars. Your neck on the other hand…" Carlisle said.

I smiled at Carlisle. "Don't worry, Carlisle. I am covered in scars. What's a couple more? Now, let's go see the dead guy."

We headed toward the back of the house, going at the _very_ slow human pace I was limited to, with my injuries.

"I am glad that you called us, Bella, but may I ask why you didn't just call the police? This is a clear case of self-defense," Carlisle asked, then he started looking embarrassed. "That didn't come out how I would have liked. I'm not saying that I'm not glad you called us."

I laughed again, while holding my throbbing ribs. "It's okay, Carlisle. I know what you meant. We're almost there. I think you'll see why I didn't call the police."

We rounded the corner and Dave's body was lying on the ground in a large pool of my blood, his neck bent at an awkward angle. The light from my bedroom window illuminated the backyard. We stared at the scene for a full ten minutes before anyone said anything.

"Bella, may I look at your neck again?" Carlisle asked. "There is too much blood there, Bella. That is nearly the entire volume of blood of an average human. There is clear evidence of arterial spray. An artery was cut," he said like he was completely astounded.

I allowed him to examine my neck wound again. He shook his head. "The blood vessels are intact. They have not been cut," he said. When he looked back up at my face, I could see the understanding and wonder in his eyes as he understood what I'd been alluding to. I glance over at Jasper who was watching us, and he also was looking completely stunned, like he finally understood.

"He _did_ cut your artery, didn't he?" Carlisle whispered reverently.

"Um, actually, yes he did," I whispered so low, I couldn't hear myself, but I knew they would. They both looked at me like I was crazy, although they knew I was telling the truth. I could see the warring emotions in each of them.

"I told you," I said quietly as I looked sadly at the ground, the light from the window reflecting on the surface of the pool of my blood. "I can't die, no matter how much I want to."

Jasper lightly grasped my chin and raised my head so I was looking at him. "Please don't say that, Bella. Our family loves you. We need you," he said firmly. He pushed a wave of love at me and I almost staggered at the intensity. Before I knew what I was doing, I threw my arms around him. Jasper tensed and I pulled away quickly.

"I'm so sorry Jasper. Are you okay?" I asked, horrified at myself. I was covered in blood and now, so was he. I looked at him cautiously, but he was in control. He chuckled at me.

"I'm okay Bella. I think I may have overdone it with your emotions, but it's so much harder for me to influence you now. I think I'm going to go change my shirt," he said. He ran back to the car but was back in thirty seconds in a clean shirt.

"Is there anyone else that knows he was coming here?" Jasper asked, as he looked around at the evidence.

"Not that I know of. He just got out of jail three months ago. He moved back into his house in Saratoga Springs and he lives alone. I can't rule out that he told someone he was coming, but he came _intending_ to kill me. It seems unlikely that he would admit to someone that he was coming to my house to kill me." I paused for a couple seconds, "On the other hand, he wasn't the smartest guy in the world, either. He was high, and I know that meth makes him talkative. I guess, now that I think of it, I wouldn't put it past him."

"We'll just have to make sure that all the evidence is gone," Jasper said.

"Bella, since it looks like most of the bleeding has stopped, it might be easier to bandage your injuries if you take a quick shower first," Carlisle suggested.

I nodded but first went over to Dave's body. I spit on his face. "I hope you burn in the deepest pits of hell for all eternity," I hissed at him. Then I turned around without really looking at their incredulous faces, as Carlisle and Jasper followed me into the house. They followed me into the bathroom and made sure I had everything I needed.

"Bella, you used to faint at the sight of blood, which, by the way, we all found rather comically ironic. What's changed?" Jasper asked.

"I've probably just been desensitized. It doesn't bother me anymore. Still don't like the taste though," I said. Jasper and Carlisle both chuckled, though Jasper gave me a curious look that I ignored. Damn empaths pick up on everything.

They were stepping out of the bathroom to give me privacy when I got the first look at myself in the mirror. I gasped when I saw myself. "Wow! I really look like shit," I said.

"Yes darlin', to be blunt," Jasper drawled with a slight smirk on his face. "We'll let you get washed up. Just call if you need us. We're right outside."

I took a very quick shower, though I took the time to make sure the debris was washed out of my hair. The water and shampoo stung the cuts, but I just ignored it. I'd had much worse. When I was done, I wrapped my robe around me and opened the door.

Carlisle looked at me amazed. "Bella, you're healing so fast!" he breathed.

I nodded. "I've had a lot of near death experiences over the past five or six years, but ever since the werewolf bite, not only does my body fix fatal injuries, I just in general heal abnormally fast. I lost most of my blood tonight and was out for a while. I'll be sore and weak for a while, but nothing in comparison to a normal person…or how I used to be. It's like I get to be immortal like a vampire but without all the benefits. I still get hurt, I'm no stronger than before, I'm still slow, and I don't get the inhuman beauty. I only managed to kill him because I pretended that I was already dead and I was able to catch him off guard."

They didn't respond but both looked thoughtful as they got to work patching me up. Carlisle got out his needle and thread and started sewing up my neck wound. Jasper worked on bandaging some of the cuts on my face, but it wasn't really necessary for most of them anymore. When Jasper was done with his task he excused himself to figure out how to clean up out back.

After I was sure he was gone Carlisle looked at me expectantly. "You have questions I am sure, Bella. I can see that look in your eyes. Actually I have some as well, but please, you go first," he said very quietly.

"Carlisle, I remember that when Edward was telling me your story he said you tried to destroy yourself once you realized what you had become. How many times did you try?" I asked.

"Twenty-two times," he said sadly. "You?"

I paused for a couple minutes. "Seven times since the change."

"And before?" he asked solemnly.

"Four," I reluctantly answered.

"Why?"

I sighed. "Carlisle, I'm weak. I was the one that was supposed to die the night my parents died. It was supposed to be me! I wanted to join them. I tried twice, but Jake found me both times. The second time, I did it when he was supposed to be out of town for the weekend so he couldn't stop me, but he had a _feeling_.

"Then when Jake left me…I was abandoned again. _Unwanted_ again. I…I didn't want to keep trying to move on. I didn't want to be alone, so I tried again. That time it was one of the other wolves that found me. They were all worried about me, but Leah… You see, Leah had it happen to her too. Her boyfriend imprinted on her cousin and she was left alone too. She knew what it felt like. At least I knew it was a possibility beforehand. Leah didn't know anything about the wolves at that point because Sam was the only one.

"Anyway, Leah showed up at my house that night after she found out that Jacob had imprinted…and she stopped me. She helped me figure out what I was going to do next. She helped me move to Seattle to try to continue on with my life. She saved me," I said with a sigh. I still wasn't sure if I was grateful.

"What about the fourth time?" Carlisle asked.

I was quiet for several minutes, but finally I spoke. "It was right after I moved here with my boyfriend Dave, who just so happens to be the dead guy out back. We broke up and…" I couldn't continue.

"So what happened that time?" Carlisle asked gently. I shook my head at him. There was another long pause, but I wasn't going to say anything more.

"How did you realize that things had changed? That you _couldn't_ die?" he asked.

"You know, I still don't quite believe it half the time. I keep wondering if I'm hallucinating or delusional," I sighed. "I was high one night, maybe a couple days after Joshua, the werewolf, bit me and I accidentally stepped out in front of a car going too fast down an alleyway. A hit and run, which, in hindsight, was probably a good thing. I obviously survived something I shouldn't have and it would have been suspicious. I lost a lot of blood, broke a lot of bones, but I was alive and completely healed within a week." Carlisle was quiet for a minute thinking about what I'd said, before I spoke again. "The car literally ran over me. There was a tire track on my face when I woke up.

"A couple weeks before that the werewolf bit me, I...broke up with Dave, well he was arrested, and I…anyway, I tried to kill myself. I obviously wasn't successful, but I was still suicidal when I was hit by the car. Once I saw how I healed, I revolted against what was happening to me. I didn't want to be alive. Then I started…trying to find a way to die." He didn't need an explanation. We sat in silence for a couple minutes.

"Bella, I have no answers for you, but I will help you find answers the best I can."

"Carlisle, back when I wanted to be a vampire, it wasn't because it was a cool thing to do. I wanted to spend forever with my soul mate, but he left me after telling me that he didn't want or love me and now he's dead. My parents are gone. I have no friends and honestly I don't _want_ friends anymore. What do I have to live for? What am I supposed to live for now? Does this mean I have to live forever? Forever alone? Why can't I die when that's the only thing I want? What do I have to live for now?" I had silent tears running down my face, begging him for answers when I knew there were none.

"Bella, you have us. We love you and need you," Carlisle said quietly, putting his hand on my shoulder.

I didn't respond, I just tried to make myself trust him. I wanted to, I needed to, but it was hard to put trust in _anyone_. He pulled me into a hug and I allowed myself the comfort of his embrace.

When I finally finished crying, we went out to the back of the house where Emmett had joined Jasper to clean up the mess I'd made. Jasper was gone, and Emmett was washing the ground with the hose. He'd gotten several bags of grass seed/fertilizer from the shed to spread over the area when he was done. It would hide that anything had happened in the backyard.

"Bella, there was so much blood. More than you should be able to lose and still be alive, much less up and walking around," Emmett said quietly.

"It was," I agreed.

We stood in silence for several minutes. Finally I said quietly, "Emmett, I'm sorry I told you that I didn't need your help. I just don't like being the weak one. I'm _always_ the weak one. I don't want anyone to feel like they have to…take care of me." Just then, I saw Jasper coming out of the woods.

"The body and his bike went over a cliff. He was drunk, I could smell it on him, so it will look like he just driving drunk." There is no other evidence he was here. Once we put down these bags of grass seed, there will be no reason for anyone to think of it being a crime scene, because the grass seed has not been disturbed. Who would expect you to spread grass seed in the middle of the night after killing a man? Regardless, there is nothing here that would raise suspicion, even if someone did come looking, other than you and your injuries. I would recommend that you stay with us for a week or two, until you are healed, just in case anyone should come by." I nodded in agreement.

"Thank you guys for helping me. Most friends won't go so far as to help you dispose of a dead body."

"That's what the friendly neighborhood vampires are for, darlin'." Jasper smiled at me.


	12. Hope lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter deals with pregnancy/infant loss as well as domestic violence.

"Bella!" Esme cried. She was at the car door almost instantly. She was fussing over me just like a stereotypical mother, though in physical age I was almost the same age as Carlisle, and only three years younger than Esme. "Oh, Bella! I'm so glad that you are alright. You've had us so worried," she cried. She helped me out of the car held my hand as we went into the house. I could see her struggling to not just pick me up and bring me inside herself. I was glad that I was allowed to keep a little dignity.

"I'm fine, Esme. Thank you for your concern though," I said with a true smile.

"I'll whip up some breakfast for you and then you should get some rest," she said, leading me into the kitchen. I sat down at the breakfast bar and watched as Esme chopped up vegetables and proceeded to make me a mouthwatering omelet. I ate quickly while Esme worked on chopping more vegetables for a homemade vegetable soup she was making for me. We were able to eat in relative silence, but it was a comfortable silence.

"Now, Bella, why don't you go up to your room and get some rest," Esme suggested.

"Actually, Esme, I'm still a little keyed up. I know you guys want an explanation as to what happened, so why don't we get the interrogation over with," I said with a small laugh.

She looked at me sheepishly and nodded. "We _would_ like to hear what happened."

We walked back out to the living room to find the rest of the family already there. Carlisle, as head of the family, took the lead. "Bella, can you tell us why he was trying to kill you?"

"We dated for about a year. He was abusive and one night he went too far. The neighbors heard my screams and called the police. I was unconscious when they arrived and I woke up in the ambulance just as it arrived at the hospital. They told me that the police had taken Dave in for attempted murder and assault and battery. He made bail after a couple days and they kept postponing the trial, so it was an entire year before he was held accountable for his crimes. They dropped the attempted murder charge but he ended up getting sentenced to six months for assault. After so much time had passed, well, they seemed more interested in getting through the case quickly, than making sure I got justice. He got out of prison about three months ago. I have a current restraining order against him, but there wasn't much more to be done about him. I knew that he would eventually come back for me."

"The last time he almost killed you…was that before or after your bite from the werewolf?" Carlisle asked.

"About two weeks before. It wasn't obvious to me at the time, but after the bite, the remainder of my injuries from Dave's beating healed quickly and completely. I never went in for my post-op appointments so the doctors didn't notice the advanced healing either." I paused for a moment. "I was probably too high to notice the change at that point."

Carlisle spoke up then, "Post-op?"

"I had internal bleeding and they had to operate," I explained. I warred with myself. I wanted to tell them more details, but I couldn't seem to form the words. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at things, Carlisle asked the question I wanted to avoid.

"What type of internal bleeding did they repair?" he asked, wondering about the medical aspects, as you would expect from a doctor.

"My spleen was removed and I had to have a hysterectomy," I said with as little emotion as possible. I forced my emotions away and focused on the numbness. I was developing a pretty good poker face.

"I'm sorry, Bella," Rosalie said so quietly I barely heard her. I simply nodded at her.

"Let's go back to the prophesy," Carlisle said, obviously sensing my desire to redirect the conversation. "You said before that you can't die. I didn't realize how literally you meant that," Carlisle said.

Emmett spoke up, "When you told me the other day about not being able to die, I just thought you were exaggerating…or something…"

"Or crazy," I interjected with a wry smile.

"I didn't say that," Emmett quickly said, slightly panicked. I just laughed at him.

"It's okay, Emmett. When this first happened, _I_ thought I'd finally cracked. I was sure I was hallucinating or something. I still wonder sometimes."

"Bella, do you mind me telling the others how you discovered that you were…different?" Carlisle asked. I shook my head and he proceeded to explain how I'd been hit by a car.

"Tire tracks on your face?" Rose asked, incredulously.

"Yup. It was rainy part of that night too, so I had a perfect, partially dry muddy tire track across my face. I'd been out for a while, I don't know how long, and I woke up in pain. I was renting a studio apartment over a garage just a couple blocks away from the alley. I stumbled home, took some pain meds, made a splint for my broken arm and then passed out. I was actually high enough that I was able to reset it myself before splinting it. Later, I thought that was part of my curse, the lack of pain, but I learned the hard way that it was just the drugs that kept me pain-free." I shuddered at the memories. "I slept for close to twelve hours and when I woke up, I was sore, but my body was healing. I knew the night I was hit, that my ankle was broken. I knew I'd had a couple broken ribs and I'd lost a lot of blood. My arm had an open fracture…but when I woke up…the bones were healing. I hurt all over by then, because the drugs had worn off, but I was healing at an inhuman pace."

"Do you mind me sharing your experiments afterward?" Carlisle asked, ever the politically correct one.

"Go ahead," I said, the dread evident in my voice.

"Bella explained earlier that after she realized that she was healing from fatal injuries, she attempted to end her life a total of seven times," Carlisle explained in his doctor voice.

Esme let out a sob and Rose and Emmett hissed in shock. Jasper was not surprised, since he had most likely overheard me talking to Carlisle about it, but he still looked like he was in pain.

"How?" Emmett choked out.

"I tried carbon monoxide poisoning. I sat with my car running inside a garage for hours until the car finally ran out of gas. I went back to Forks for a couple days and I jumped off the cliffs in La Push and into the ocean during a storm. I woke up the next day, washed up on a secluded beach. I intentionally overdosed on three separate occasions, I jumped off another cliff, that time without any water below, and the final time, I slit my wrists," I said quickly and quietly. The tension was thick in the air.

"You've mentioned that you aren't as clumsy as you used to be. Did that happen at the same time?" Carlisle asked.

"No. I outgrew most of my clumsiness before the…change. It might have gotten better then too. I'm not sure. About a year ago, I started running, yoga and kickboxing, and I think that made a difference too," I said. "I guess I'm not sure," I repeated after thinking about it for a minute.

"Since the change, have you noticed any other differences?" he asked.

I shook my head. "No. No extra strength, no extra beauty, no extra abilities."

"I would like to make some calls to see if anyone has heard of something like this. Would that be agreeable?" Carlisle asked.

"That's fine, Carlisle, though I would rather you not give my name," I said.

"Of course, Bella," Carlisle agreed.

"Bella, would you like to rest now?" Esme suggested. I nodded my head, grateful for the prospect of some time alone after the eventful morning.

My nightmares did not appear as I thought they would after what had happened, though my dreams were not really good ones either. I replayed the conversation with Garrett in my dreams, except that in the dream version, he encouraged me to talk to Esme about _that_ night. The night I lost all remaining hope. In my dream, I told her all about it and she comforted me. She understood. She grieved with me.

I woke up later determined. I had told myself that I was going to try to trust them and I was going to do just that. I was going to take a leap of faith. I was going to trust.

I groaned with the aches and pains of being beaten as I got out of bed, but I could feel that I was healing quickly. A long hot shower helped quite a bit with both my body and my frame of mind.

I went downstairs to the smell of homemade vegetable soup. By the time I finished my bowl of soup, I finally worked up the courage. "Esme, would you like to go for a walk?" I asked.

Her face lit up with a smile. "Oh, I would love to, Bella."

"Let me put on my tennis shoes and then we can go," I said, then I raised my voice just slightly. "Rose would you like to join us?"

"Of course, Bella," I heard her yell from upstairs. A few minutes later we were outside trying to decide where to go.

"I know just the place. Bella, if you wouldn't mind me carrying you, there is a nice hiking trail not too far from here and it would provide us with some privacy," Esme suggested. I laughed and climbed onto her back. I loved running at vampire speed. It was an awesome adrenaline rush.

When we got to the trail, we started walking at an average human speed. Rose was holding one hand and Esme the other. My heart was beating painfully in my chest.

"How are you dealing with everything, Bella? Even though it was self defense, it would still be understandable to be upset," Esme said.

I laughed cynically. "I'm only upset that he didn't suffer more."

"It was that bad?" Esme asked. I just nodded.

"Esme, would you tell me about your son?" I asked. She looked a little confused at the apparent subject change.

"Oh, David was a beautiful little baby. He was sick when he was born. Carlisle said it sounded like it may have been a heart defect. He was sick and in pain. He only lived a couple days. I was just devastated," Esme said quietly.

We were silent for a long time, with tears already flowing down my cheeks, before I spoke. "I was five months pregnant when Dave last tried to kill me. He was abusive before I found out I was pregnant but he seemed like a new man when we found out we were expecting. He was so excited but it took me longer for that excitement to kick in. I had never wanted children. I knew that I should have gotten out of the relationship with him when I found out that I was pregnant, but I was desperate for someone to want me, to love me. While I was pregnant, he turned a new leaf. He stopped hitting me and he stopped using drugs, and didn't drink as much. I started getting excited too. I was picturing our future and it was a happy one. I was trapped by my dreams. I finally had another chance to be happy and have a family so I ignored the obvious. I was just ignoring who he was and what he used to do.

"Then one night he got really drunk and high. He was having bad hallucinations. I didn't know what to do. Pretty soon, he was accusing me of calling him names and yelling awful things at him. I tried to reason with him, to explain that I wasn't doing or saying anything, but try telling that to someone that's delusional. He just said that he knew I was thinking it, which was even worse.

"That really struck a chord with me, you know, reminding me of Edward, and then the pain hit me; that empty feeling I always had, knowing that everyone I loved left or was dead. I started arguing back and he started hitting and kicking me. I fought back that time, which just made it worse, but I wasn't going to just lie down and take it anymore. Not when a child was involved. I couldn't get away and he just kept going. Soon I heard the sirens, but even then he didn't stop.

"When we got to the hospital, they did an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. He killed our daughter. I still had to deliver her. They gave me drugs to induce my labor and a couple hours later she was stillborn." I paused for a moment.

"I was able to hold her afterward. She was tiny, not quite a pound and a half, but she was beautiful," I said with a small smile. "They let me hold her for a while before bringing me into surgery. They couldn't stop my bleeding after and finally they had to do a hysterectomy. It actually turned out to be a good thing, because they discovered more internal bleeding that they had to fix."

"I am very sorry for your loss, Bella," Esme said, gripping my hand harder.

"I am sorry you were all alone," Rose said. I knew they both would be crying if they could.

"Dave was only in jail for a short time before posting bail, but I was able to get my stuff out of our apartment and find a new place to rent in just a couple days. I didn't have much, so it wasn't really a big deal moving out so quickly and just after having major surgery. I had plenty of money that I had wisely never told Dave about, from my parents' insurance policies. So I started over. He stayed away from me after he made bail. It was an entire year before it actually went to trial, so he was convinced that the trial was just a formality and that he had gotten away with it. He managed to only get a six month sentence, but he blamed me for that."

"Why was he not charged for the death of your daughter?" Rose asked quietly.

"If I was just a little farther along in the pregnancy he would have been. Another week and a half." We continued to walk along the hiking trail. Eventually we came upon an overlook of a large valley. We sat on an outcrop of rocks and enjoyed the view.

"Did you name your daughter?" Esme inquired.

"I did," I responded quietly. "Most people would say it's rather morbid, but I named her Hope, because all my hope died with her."

"Oh, Bella!" Esme cried as she opened her arms for me. "There is always hope, Bella. Always hope." Rosalie and Esme gathered me in their arms and we all cried together. I was finally able to grieve with the help of my sisters.

When we finished I told them about my pregnancy and my daughter. I explained the heartache, guilt and grief I felt as I walked out of the hospital without my baby in my arms. I told them about packing up my stuff and leaving Dave, but leaving the nursery untouched. I told them about buying drugs for the first time, trying to forget about…everything.

Esme shared what she could remember about her own experience with her son. Rose grieved with me, both for the loss of my baby and for the loss of any further chance of future pregnancy. I could feel their sincerity. I could feel them sharing my pain. I felt lighter than I had in years.

It was dark by the time we arrived back at their house. "Rose, Esme, thank you for listening. That was the first time I've told anyone."

"Thank you for trusting us with that, Bella," Rose whispered in my ear before going over to Emmett and leading him to their bedroom. I knew she just wanted to be close to him.

"Esme, I think I'm going to try to get some sleep. Thank you for listening," I said as I gave her a big hug.

"Are you sure you don't want anything to eat before you go to sleep?" Esme asked in concern.

"No, Esme. I'm fine. I think a good night's sleep will do me a lot of good." She gave me another quick hug and then pulled Carlisle from his study and led him to their bedroom. I was beginning to understand a small portion of what Jasper must have been feeling for the last four and a half years. I headed up to the guest room…my room. The door across the hall from my room was open slightly and Jasper was lounging on the couch reading a book. He was wearing a tight white t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants. All I could think was, '_Damn'._

He looked up and chuckled at me as I entered the room. "Like what you see?" He winked at me and I blushed.

I started laughing at myself. "Sorry about that Jazz, but yes, I _was_ enjoying the view," I said with a smirk.

"You're playing with fire woman," Jasper warned with an even bigger smile.

"Then it's a good thing I like it hot," I responded with a small coy smile as I picked a book from the bookshelf and plopped down on the couch beside him. Jasper playfully growled at me. At that point I was pretty sure he was trying to kill me with lust. It had been a long time for me. The rabbit vibrator was a great invention, but the things he could do to me with that body…_okay, need to change that line of thought_.

Jasper just smirked and went back to his book. I worked on concentrating on the book in front of me, but I really wasn't taking in a single word.

After about half an hour in complete silence, Jasper finally spoke. "Esme and Rose's emotions have been all over the place since you returned. I am glad you were able to confide in them."

"It was nice. It's really hard for me, trusting that is. I needed my sisters," I said.

"Sisters?" Jasper asked.

"Yeah. Back five years ago, Esme was like the mother I never had. I always looked at Carlisle and Esme as parents, but now, I've lived a lot of life and I am no longer a child. Within a few weeks I'll be the same age as Carlisle was when he was changed. Esme is just three years older. I just don't think of them as parents anymore. I do think of them as mentors. I have great respect for them, but they just don't feel like parents anymore," I said.

"You are starting to trust us again," Jasper stated.

"Yes?" I said, sounding unsure of myself.

"You still feel resentment and anger though," Jasper pointed out, quietly and respectfully.

"Yes, Jasper I do. I think that will take a while. I…have abandonment issues. There is more that I need to tell you guys. I just…I'm not ready to share everything yet. This is very difficult for me," I explained.

"I understand. We all do. Take as much time as you need," Jasper said. "We'll be here whenever you are ready."

"Jasper, I feel like all the focus has been on me since our reunion. How are you doing?" I asked. I was a horrible friend. I was being so selfish thinking of my own problems and insecurities. He had lost his wife that he had been with for decades. I couldn't imagine the pain he felt.

"I'm doing alright," Jasper said with a sad smile. "I still miss her."

"I expect that you will always miss her. It gets easier, Jasper," I said. "I know it sounds cliché but it does get easier."

"I know that. I heard you the other day talking to Rose," he said apologetically. "I wasn't trying to listen in, but it's hard not to hear everything happening in this house." He shot an irritated glace toward the offending couples' bedrooms. "I heard you talking about the bad parts of your relationship with Edward and I felt your guilt as you described the problems of your relationship. I understand that. I have a hard time reconciling the good with the bad. There are things I enjoy about my life here and now that I wasn't able to enjoy before. I get to dress myself. I feel more comfortable in my own skin. Alice used to make the decisions, for not only herself but all of us. She was constantly checking my future for my next slip-up. I hate those things, and they make me feel bitter. I don't want those things to diminish the good times we had," Jasper confessed.

"I think it's perfectly normal, Jasper, plus, you're right about some of those things. Now…like you said, you seem more comfortable in your own skin. Alice was known for going overboard. I can't imagine her trying to deny it. Jasper, part of love is loving the whole person, not only the good things, but the flaws as well. It's okay to dislike those flaws. You love Alice _despite_ her flaws." I said curling up against him as he put his arm around my shoulder.

"I feel guilty about it," Jasper said with a thick voice.

"You don't need to feel guilty about it, but easier said than done, right? Look, Alice knew you loved her. Don't doubt that. You loved and continue to love her. Don't doubt that either."

"Thank you, Bella," Jasper said after a moment.

"Thank you, Jasper," I responded. I was thankful he had felt comfortable enough to share with me. It made me feel like I mattered.

"You're so lonely, Bella," Jasper gasped as he felt the spike of emotions from me.

"I'm sorry, Jasper," I said chagrined. I tried to find the numb again.

"No, Bella. Feel what you feel. Don't try to block your emotions, please. It isn't healthy," Jasper said quickly. He looked nervous before continuing. "I don't mean to be forward, darlin', but would you like for me to lay with you while you sleep tonight? I'll keep the nightmares away." He smiled at me.

"I would love that, Jasper. You're just trying to get me into bed so you can take advantage of me," I said as I stood up.

"I wouldn't dream of taking advantage of you," he said with a sly smirk.

"Oh…that's too bad," I said lightly. He chuckled in response. I could see him relaxing again as we joked. I hated to see him so sad and forlorn.

I went into the bathroom and changed into my pajamas, a tank top and shorts, and when I came out, Jasper was lying on the bed waiting for me. Good lord, he was hot!

"You're going to make it hard to be a gentleman," Jasper smirked as he felt my lust again. This was embarrassing. I didn't respond.

Jasper was lying on top of the covers, so he pulled the covers back for me and I got under the blankets. Then Jasper curled up next to me, holding me in his arms.

"Do you believe in an afterlife?" Jasper asked.

"I _want_ to," I said slowly. "Do you?"

"I want to," he said.

"If there _is_ an afterlife, somewhere we go when we die, our loved ones will be there," I said.

"Even for my kind?" he asked, dejected.

"Definitely! Alice and Edward were far from perfect, but they did the best they could. You all struggle with your diet, but you try so hard to do the best you can with the hand you've been dealt. I can't believe that vampires would be excluded from an afterlife, just because of what they are."

"You still believe that we have souls?" he asked.

"Of course. How could I not? You are truly good people. You do your best to be better people, despite the lot you've been given in life. I've seen real monsters, human monsters. How could it possibly make sense if they have souls and you and your family do not? No. You definitely have a soul, Jasper. I can feel it in my very being."

I could feel him contemplating what I said, but he didn't say anything further. I held onto him tightly as I felt myself drifting off. It was so nice being wrapped in his arms. He made me feel so secure, so safe, so loved.

"Thank you for suggesting this, Jasper. I don't want to be alone right now," I whispered.

"Neither do I, Sugar, neither do I."

There were several minutes of silence before I finally spoke up, "Plus who wouldn't want to cuddle up to this big, strong, sexy vampire?" He chuckled and pulled me closer.

I was on the very edge of sleep when I whispered, "I miss her so much, Jazz. I was supposed to protect her."

"Who, Bella?" he whispered.

"My daughter," I breathed. Jasper pulled me even closer and sent me a wave of love and peace and I finally drifted away.


	13. Hot Lips

**JPOV**

_Her daughter._

Now I think I have an idea why she had such rage every time she mentioned her newly deceased ex-boyfriend. It was why I didn't feel even a hint of regret or guilt after she killed him. It was why Rose and Esme had been grieving since they got back home. There was so much grief, guilt, and anger radiating through the house from the women, and confusion, and concern coming from Carlisle and Emmett. They were comforting their wives, but they were unaware of what was wrong and how to fix it, so they continued to simply offer their comfort.

I had originally thought that she had finally shared what actually happened to her parents. I knew it was no gas explosion. Her emotions, however muted, clearly showed she was lying, although it was a well-rehearsed lie. Actually a lot of what she had given as explanations for her past were lies, or at the very least, partial truths. Most it was told as a joke though. I think it was obvious to the others as well that she was hiding things, but nobody pushed her. She would tell us when or if she was ever ready to.

I can't believe how much everything has changed over such a short amount of time. Here I am lying in bed, _cuddling_ with Bella Swan while she sleeps. It's only been a week since we found Bella again, and the emotions in the house are almost out of control. Everyone is obviously concerned about her. She's using drugs and not just marijuana, but opium, and prescription narcotics as well. When she had her little 'drug box' out when I was at her house I smelled residues of several other hard drugs also. She feels guilty, but her emotions are unstable; and she uses the drugs to deal with the pain, and insecurity. I understand that. I really do. At some point though, she will need to actually deal with things. Although I had to admit movie night was a blast. Everything was much funnier to her, and I shared her amusement with the rest of the room. Movies are much more humorous that way, or would be if it wasn't a life-threatening chemical substance responsible for it.

Last night, she didn't smell like any chemical substances, and I didn't smell anything as I nonchalantly walked around her house. Maybe she had decided to abstain again. Emmett and I found her 'drug box' in the shed when we were looking for something that might help cover up the blood in the grass; but the only thing that was in the box was a dozen prescription narcotics. With her history of accidents and such it was probably a good idea to have some on hand. I took the fact that they were in the shed rather than the house to be a good sign that she was trying to stay sober.

I knew that our return was stressful on her, but I was excited to find out that she was still alive. I just would hate, for our presence in her life to be a motivator, for more reckless behavior. She may, for some unfathomable reason, be unable to die, but she still had to take care of her body. It seemed that while her body healed itself from trauma, it didn't seem to heal itself from neglect. She needed to take better care of herself. She wasn't eating enough; the drugs needed to go, she needed…happiness. We had discussed it as a family, and we were going to do our best to be the family she needs, while being careful to not overwhelm her. Honestly we need her just as much as she needs us. We had so much fun, and there was so much life in the house when she was in our lives. She made us feel alive again.

I kept an eye on Bella's injuries as she slept. Even seeing her healing as I watched, I still had a hard time believing it. Her face was less swollen and the bruising looked at least three or four days old rather than one day old. I wanted to look at her neck but, of course, it was covered by bandages. I still had trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that she was still human, but healing like…that. I was hoping that Carlisle would have some success finding out more information about the prophecy.

I'm still trying to figure out how she is masking her emotions from me. It's obviously a conscious effort on her part, maybe related to her ability to keep Edward out of her head. I had always kind of figured it was a fluke that he couldn't hear her, but maybe it really is more of a gift. I have never met anyone, human or vampire, that has had more control over her emotions. It takes a lot of conscious effort, and there are times she seems unable to find her numbness, her apathy, but she has more control than anyone I've met before. I hadn't felt more than a minute or two of amusement from her. No real happiness. I'd seen a couple small genuine smiles, but nothing like before. Her eyes didn't sparkle like they used to. Her expressions and emotions were all so guarded. She felt her emotions so strongly that I figured she needed the numbness simply in order to survive. As I thought of it, I realized she was feeling grief, and fear as she slept; so I sent her another wave of love, and calm, and she settled back into a restful sleep.

It was fun joking with her. We had a similar sarcastic sense of humor, so we got along well that way. I was somewhat surprised that she didn't blush so much anymore, even when I was making suggestive comments. I was hoping to embarrass her a little, make her blush like she used to, but I found I liked it even more when she responded in kind. It makes me feel…normal again being around her. She's kind and thoughtful, but it doesn't feel like she's walking on eggshells around me anymore. There isn't any pressure. Our interactions are generally either laid back or playful, and both are a welcome reprieve from what it's been like since Alice died.

I do have to say I surprised myself when I asked her if she wanted me to sleep next to her. She joked about it, but I could feel her lust underneath it all, which, of course, only fueled my own. I shouldn't be feeling like this, should I? I'm really not interested in, or ready for a new relationship. I really want Bella as a friend, but I am a man after all, and she has definitely grown up. I reached down to adjust myself. I was getting hard, just thinking about it. Maybe this whole cuddling thing was a bad idea, but she was so warm…

I felt Bella's lust increase, and realized I was probably projecting. I tried to reign it in, but then she ground her hips into me. I could smell her arousal which was amazing, but it was her little moan that was my undoing. She opened her eyes and looked into my eyes. We watched each other for about five seconds before we leaned in toward one another, our lips meeting. It was like nothing I had ever experienced. The warmth of her lips moving with mine, her taste...it was…nothing short of amazing. Her emotions completely opened up to me. If I wasn't already lying down, I probably would have fallen over from the intensity of it. Our kisses were so full of passion. Finally Bella had to pull away. It would be so much easier if she wasn't human and didn't have to breathe. That thought stunned me. Who knew if she would still want that life? '_Okay, definitely moving too fast here.' _

"I'm sorry, Jasper," Bella said when she caught her breath.

"Please don't be sorry, Bella," I said, kissing her soft lips one more time.

"I'm not sorry," she panted when we broke apart again. I could see the fire in her eyes.

"Good," I responded. She reached up and cupped my cheek and kissed me again softly. Several minutes later, we broke apart again. I knew we needed to stop or we wouldn't be able to.

"Jasper, I don't know what's going on, but I don't think I'm ready for a relationship right now," she whispered with sadness in her voice. She bit her lip nervously. I didn't think she had any idea what that gesture did to me, and men in general. It was just so fucking sexy. I looked back to her eyes, trying to keep myself under control.

"I'm not ready for that either, sugar, but I don't regret this for a second," I said softly. She relaxed against me cuddling up again. I could feel her relief.

Relief? She was relieved that I wasn't interested in a relationship? First she said that she was sorry and then she feels relief? Well, that sure makes a man feel good about himself. At least there wasn't any regret mixed in, but what did the relief mean?

"Jasper?" Bella finally said after several minutes of uncomfortable silence.

"Yes?"

"What's wrong?" she asked. I could suddenly feel a stabbing pain of insecurity, rejection, and worry before she covered up her emotions once again. I had just made things worse.

"Why were you sorry and then feeling relief?" I blurted out. At least she'd figure out quickly that she wasn't the only one feeling insecure. _God, I'm becoming such a pussy._

"I don't know. I thought that I was maybe influencing your emotions, but it's really not my fault that you are a sexy man, and it's been a really long time," she said with a light laugh. "Then the relief, um…I'm not ready for a relationship, but I don't want you to feel badly because of that. I just need to figure out what the fuck I'm doing. I was relieved that you said you weren't ready either, so there's no pressure," she said. She took a deep breath and sighed. The surge of her unique scent hit me and it really hit me how much I had changed. A couple years ago it would have made it nearly impossible to resist draining her; now, it made it nearly impossible for me not to jump her right then and there. I groaned and adjusted myself as discretely as possible.

With the change of direction in my thoughts, I had to think back to what we were talking about. "Oh," I said, lamely. Then felt another wave of lust coming from her.

"I'm sorry!" she said, quickly. "I don't really have the best control of myself right now. I realize that I'm full of contradictions right now. I just can't decide how I feel about anything."

I reached out and touched her cheek gently. "There it is. I've missed that blush of yours," I admitted and she flushed an even brighter shade of red.

"Sugar, I can still feel your fatigue. Would you like help getting back to sleep?" I asked. She nodded and I slowly increased calm and fatigue so that just moments later she was asleep.

I could still feel her warm lips on mine. I could still taste her on my tongue. I wanted more. I wanted all of her. I wanted to feel those hot little lips of hers wrapped around my dick. I wanted to show her what my gift could really do in the bedroom. I could give her the best orgasm of her life without even touching her. Did she have any idea what she was doing to me? I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to turn her and be with her forever.

_What the fuck am I doing? Do I want a relationship with her? Fuck me. I think I do. _

**BPOV**

It was bright in the room when I woke up, but still pretty early. I grabbed another pillow and covered my head with it trying to get back to sleep. It was weird. I hadn't had a full night's sleep in years until the Cullens showed up. It was wonderful being able to relax and actually get rest. I could actually use sleep as an escape rather than a prison where I couldn't escape my nightmares. I figured that Jasper was probably primarily responsible for my ability to relax.

Oh, shit. I'd momentarily forgotten what happened last night. I made out with Jasper. I enjoyed it. I _really_ fucking enjoyed it. What the hell was I doing? He had just lost his wife and mate. I'm not interested in a relationship either. Am I? I don't know. Why was he gone when I woke up? Was he upset with me? Did he regret it?

I had also forgotten at the time that we were in a house of vampires with enhanced hearing. I wondered if everyone knew, or if they had been distracted by their significant others at the time. It's not like I was planning on getting involved with him. It was a spur of the moment thing. What would they think?

I gave up trying to get back to sleep, so I got up and got ready for the day. Esme was waiting with a vegetable omelet for me and a glass of orange juice. I could smell the coffee, but it was still percolating.

"Esme, you are spoiling me rotten," I said with a smile as I sat down at the table.

"That's my job," she responded with a smile. "Besides, you need a little spoiling, Bella." I rolled my eyes, but smiled.

"Carlisle and I were talking about the prophecy last night and there is a human friend of mine that I would like you to meet. She is a member of the gardening club I just joined. I heard some of the others gossiping about her and I don't know if all of it is true. I do know that she is a practicing Wiccan. She has the reputation for being eccentric and…I'm not sure how to explain, but the gossip made it sound like she has _episodes_ similar to Alice. There is something about her that leads me to believe that she is something more than an average human woman." I did not miss how her voice wavered as she said Alice's name.

"She owns a bakery in town, and I was thinking we could go in for breakfast sometime later this week, or next week after you've healed a little more. I am not sure how to approach her about it, without making myself appear suspicious or sounding like I'm part of the gossip mill." Esme looked entirely flustered.

"We'll just wing it, Esme," I said. I was pretty sure the woman would end up being either the victim of small town gossip, or just a complete quack, but I was willing to give it a try. Esme had such a look of concentration, I couldn't refuse her offer of assistance. However, I wasn't sure that I really wanted to know more about the prophecy.

"Why do you feel so much dread?" I jumped and my heart took off when I heard Jasper's voice behind me.

"Jasper!" I yelled. He just chuckled and sat down in the chair next to me.

"Sorry about that, Bella. I didn't mean to sneak up on you," he said in a sweet southern drawl.

"You're not sorry," I stated as I resumed eating.

"Not really. It just seemed the appropriate thing to say," Jasper said laughing. "Now back to my question. Why do you feel so much dread at talking about meeting someone that may be able to help?"

I groaned. "Well Jasper," I said grinding my teeth, "I don't want to find out that she's a fake. I don't want to hear that she thinks I'm crazy. I also don't want to hear that there really is something to this, because I am positive it will only lead to more bad news. I think I might just prefer my current method of coping with the situation which is avoiding the subject altogether."

"Better to know what you're up against than to find yourself blind when trouble comes looking for you," Jasper said, wisely.

"If trouble is coming to me either way, why worry about it now? Might as well make myself as happy as I can with the time I have before the trouble comes," I responded.

"Being prepared you can fight the trouble when it comes, or unprepared you can be ambushed and taken down easily."

"Why do it now when you can put it off until later?" I came back with. It may not have exactly fit in with the subject we were debating, but at least it closed the subject when both Jasper and Esme burst out laughing. I could hear Carlisle chuckling as he came around the corner and into the kitchen, carrying his black medical bag.

Esme took my dirty dishes from me and handed me a cup of steaming coffee. "You are so thoughtful Esme. You even added my favorite hazelnut creamer," I said with a smile. She really did take notice of me.

"I knew that you liked it," she said simply.

"Bella, if you are up for it, I would like to look at your injuries from last night. We should also change the dressings," Carlisle said. I nodded and he got to work. He looked over the cuts on my face. They looked at least a week old, though the bruising was still quite bad. They itched quite a bit, but there wasn't much pain from those cuts. The cheekbone that was probably at least cracked, was well on its way to being mended. My ribs still hurt, but it could have been worse. It was when Carlisle got to my neck that he looked stunned.

"Bella, this cut looks two weeks old. I would like to wait for the end of the day before removing the stitches, just in case the healing is uneven in the different tissues. The bruises still look rather fresh, but the more serious the injury, the quicker it's healing. This type of healing is completely out of my expertise and I don't want to take any risks by taking out the stitches." He sounded like he was more talking to himself than me. "Bella, this is truly amazing."

"Happy to entertain you, Carlisle," I responded with a straight face.

He looked at me completely horrified. "I don't mean…I mean…I didn't intend for it to sound like that. I just…"

I burst out laughing. "Don't worry Carlisle. I meant it as a joke. I know you are a doctor, a scientist at heart. I'm happy to indulge your curiosity," I said patting his hand. If he could blush, he would be bright red.

"Right," he responded in a sheepish voice.

"We just don't want to offend you, Bella. You have every right to be angry and bitter toward us and we don't want to do anything to jeopardize getting to know you again," Esme said.

"I know Esme. I understand. I just have a bit more of a sarcastic humor than I used to," I explained, still chuckling, but then I stopped as I saw her hurt expression. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you guys feel bad."

Luckily the awkward moment passed. "Bella, I was wondering if you would mind meeting a friend of mine? He has a talent for sensing others' gifts and he may be of some use in this situation," Carlisle suggested.

"Sure Carlisle. That would be fine," I agreed.

"Bella, I was wondering if I might speak to you privately for a couple minutes," Carlisle requested.

I nodded in agreement. He stood up and headed toward the sliding glass doors leading to the back yard. Esme gave me a quick hug and then went back to the blueprints she was working on. I refilled my coffee cup and followed Carlisle out to the yard.

Esme had done a great job with the landscaping. There was a flower garden with a wrought iron bench a little ways away from the house, probably far enough away to actually give us privacy from vampire hearing. We sat down on the bench and gazed at the beautiful variety of flowers.

"What's up, Carlisle?" I asked.

Carlisle's voice was quiet and thoughtful when he finally answered after a moment of silence. "Bella, I have been hesitant to bring this up. I know that you've been on your own for a long time. I am not your father, and I know that in physical age, we are essentially the same age, so it may not be my place to say anything. However, I care deeply about you and the doctor in me needs to say something. I know that you have been using recreational and prescription drugs. I just want you to know that if you need help you can come to me. If you would feel more comfortable, I'd be happy to refer you to someone else.

"You know as well as I do that drugs are unhealthy and dangerous, even if you seem to be unable to die. We love you, Bella. We just want to see you happy. I apologize if I'm overstepping my boundaries, but I needed to say something,"

"I understand Carlisle," I said. "I was surprised that you hadn't said anything sooner. You held out a lot longer than I was expecting." We both chuckled as the tension between us lessened.

Carlisle seemed to sense that I wasn't finished speaking and allowed a couple minutes of silence while I tried to collect my thoughts. When I finally spoke, my voice was not much louder than a whisper. "When I first started dating Dave, I would use every now and then, usually at parties, or when his friends were over. It was usually ecstasy or speed. Party drugs. It really wasn't very often, and definitely not large quantities. I drank a little here and there, but honestly, I don't hold my liquor well. Anyway, when I found out I was pregnant, of course, I stopped all of that. Dave did as well…mostly. The pregnancy was a complete surprise. I was on birth control and I was careful about taking them, but like they say, nothing is 100% effective.

"When…when I lost my daughter…I was inconsolable, not that I even had anyone to console me. _Our_ friends were _Dave's_ friends, so I had nobody. Nobody but his dealers, that is. I thought it was pretty funny when I finally figured out that the brothers were werewolves. I knew there was something off about them, but it took me a couple times before I figured it out. Dave had no idea what they were, but I just knew when I first saw them that they were different.

"Anyway, I started using large quantities of hard drugs. I just wanted to forget. I…fuck…I just wanted to forget everything. I didn't want to exist. I was supposed to protect my daughter and I couldn't even protect her long enough for her to be born," I spit out, hating myself. "I tried to kill myself again, I tried to OD, but obviously I didn't succeed, and soon after I was bitten by the werewolf, and whatever this curse is began. So I just got high to forget about everything. I was a fucking wreak and I knew it.

"When Garrett happened along and after he refused to kill me, we talked. He managed to give me some hope. It wasn't anything in particular that he said. He has such a zest for life. Maybe that was it. I kept using for a while, but finally I realized that it just made things worse. I never did rehab, I just quit on my own. I cut down to just weed for a while, until the cravings for the hard drugs went away. It also helped give me an appetite and helped me sleep. The nightmares…they're awful. The nights Jasper has been there to keep my nightmares away have been the best nights of sleep I've gotten in probably five years.

"When Jazz, Em and Rose came into the bar the other day, I was freaking out, so I called up my old dealer and it was a mistake. I know that. I had stayed away from hard drugs for a year. If it makes you feel any better, I flushed the rest of my stash after a couple days. So, Carlisle, I appreciate your concern but there isn't much to be concerned about anymore," I concluded.

We sat in silence for several minutes. "Bella, thank you for sharing that with me. I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine having to deal with that with no support. I cannot say enough that I am sorry we were not there for you. As for the drugs, I hope that you are able to stay away again. If you ever need me, I am here for you. We all are."

"I appreciate that Carlisle. Thank you," I said. We sat in silence for a couple more minutes before he got up, patted my shoulder, and went back inside the house.

I finished off my coffee, which was now cold, and then made my way up to Jasper's study. He was sitting on the couch reading a Civil War memoir. He was looking really sexy in a pair of well worn faded jeans and a tight t-shirt that showed off his muscular body very nicely. Not that I was looking.

"Good morning, Bella," he said pleasantly.

"Good morning, Jasper," I said. I picked up my book from the night before and sat down in a big comfy leather chair. It smelled like Jasper. Not that I noticed. After fifteen minutes of not noticing Jasper, I was finally able to immerse myself in the book.

We read in a comfortable silence for several hours until finally I was getting bored of reading. "Jasper?"

"Yes, darlin'?" He looked up over the top of his book at me. So sexy. And that accent…yum. Not that I noticed.

"Edward told me that you were in the Civil War when you were still human. Would you tell me about it?"

"Sure darlin'. Where would you like me to start?"

"How about the beginning?" I suggested. We both put our books down and he started in on his story.

"I was sixteen, almost seventeen when I joined the confederate army. I lied about my age and told them I was twenty so I could join." Jasper told me all about how he rose through the ranks, the battles he was involved in, and just general information about what it was like being in the army at that period of time. I loved the look on his face while he was talking. He looked like he was enjoying telling me his life's story. He was so detailed in his descriptions that I could picture him there in my mind. _Major Jasper Whitlock. I bet he would look sexy in his uniform. _

"Would you like to hear about how I was turned?" he asked with a little hesitation when he was up to the end of his human military career.

"I'd love to," I answered.

"It's not a happy story," he warned.

"Neither is mine," I replied.

"True. Someday, I'd like to hear your story as well," he said thoughtful.

"Someday," I agreed.

He nodded at me and sent me a wave of understanding, then continued with his story. He told me all about his time with Maria, his duties while he was in her army, how Peter and Charlotte escaped, and later came back for him. Then he told me how Alice found him and showed him there was another way to live.

"She saved me from myself. For a little while after she died, I wondered if I'd be able to keep up with this diet. I felt completely lost. I…I felt like she had been the one keeping me together, in control. Once she was gone, I felt like I would lose the control I'd developed," Jasper said, looking devastated.

"You've proven that's not true, Jasper," I said quietly. He finally met my gaze and smiled softly at me.

"I have. It wasn't easy, Bella, but I did it. I've never felt so in control of myself than I do now. It's like I can relax again. I just wish that Alice could have seen what I've accomplished," he said with a small smile.

"I hope that wherever she is now, she can see you. I know she would be proud of you. I know I am. I can't imagine how hard it must have been, how much work you did, how much you suffered to make you a better vampire, a better man. She would be proud of you," I said with a big smile. I closed my eyes, and felt as much pride, love, and trust as I could, and then I pictured physically sending the emotions to him.

My eyes snapped open when I heard him gasp. He looked like he'd physically been pushed over. "Sorry!" I cried as I went over to him.

"How did you do that?" he asked in a shaky gasp.

"I just visualized sending you my emotions. I'm sorry if I did it wrong. I didn't mean to…whatever I did…I didn't mean to hurt you," I said looking him over as though expecting him to be injured. I'd just never seen a vampire looking completely shaken to the core. I could see him trying to compose himself.

"I'm fine Bella. It was very powerful. I wasn't expecting it," he said with a smile. I could see in his eyes he was still uneasy, but he laughed it off. He pulled me down onto the couch next to him, and put his arm around my shoulders.

"Thank you for listening. You never react how I would expect you to," he said.

"I enjoyed hearing about your past, Jasper. A lot of who a person is, depends on their past. You are an amazing man, Jasper. You lived through a literal hell and you rose above that past. You have so much control now. You are a different man because of your experiences. You've shown how tough of a person you are, and I don't mean just physically," I said. "You are a strong man and I respect you all the more for that after knowing where you come from. Thank you for sharing that with me."

We were quiet for several more minutes. "Would you tell me about your daughter?"

I nodded and related the story I'd told Esme and Rose the day before. It was easier that time. When I was done, he squeezed my shoulders and I leaned over to give his cheek a little kiss. We sat there for quite a while in silence, both caught up in our own thoughts, until Esme interrupted us.

"Bella dear, I have your lunch ready," she said sweetly as she smiled at our position cuddling on the couch. I could see the implications in her mind, so I rolled my eyes at her. I knew that Jasper and I could never be more than friends. We'd shared a little mini makeout session the night before, but we didn't discuss it, and I didn't expect that it would be repeated. We'd just gotten caught up in the moment and our shared loneliness.

I stood and said to Jasper, "I'll let you get back to your book Jasper. I enjoyed our talk."

"The pleasure was all mine, sugar," Jasper responded with a content smile. It warmed me inside, seeing that smile. He seemed at peace, which I rarely if ever had seen in Jasper before. I liked it.


	14. The prophecy

The next couple weeks I spent at the Cullens' house while I finished healing. The cuts healed faster than the bruises, which was rather irritating to me. After a couple days I was able to resume some light exercise. I hadn't realized until that point how much I depended on the release it gave me. Dave's body had been found two days after 'the incident.' Every day, one of the Cullens' would check my house for evidence that someone had come by, just in case someone was suspicious, but nobody ever came by.

Jasper and I never mentioned the night we kissed, though we spent hours together every evening in his study talking and reading. We still teased each other and the sexual tension was through the roof, but our interactions were a little more tense than we'd started out. Nobody else in the family mentioned that night either. I still wasn't sure if they'd heard us or not, but I was hoping that they were too 'involved' with each other at the time to notice. Esme seemed to always have a twinkle in her eye when Jasper and I spent time together, but I figured that was just her trying to set up the two single people.

The Cullens had started school again, this time college, so it was nice and quiet during the day, at least when Carlisle was at work as well. We had a lot of conversations debating some of the possible repercussions of my 'condition.' I gave further details of my near death/should-have-been-actual-death experiences. I'm not sure what he learned from those details, but I think he was trying to figure out a physical mechanism that my body used to accomplish what it did. I hated seeing the pain on his face when we spoke about these things.

It was the following Wednesday that I was finally going to go home. First however, we were going to the bakery to see Esme's friend. Esme had talked to the seer at their gardening meeting the week before and mentioned that she'd be bringing a friend to the shop, so she was expecting us.

"Are you ready, Bella?" she asked as she grabbed her keys from the hook on the wall.

"As ready as I'll ever be," I said trying to smile.

"Don't worry so much Bella. Maybe she'll be able to help," Esme said, her smile falling a little at my response. I tried to muster up some enthusiasm and I gave Jasper a little smile across the room when I felt his assistance in that endeavor.

"What exactly did you tell her, Esme?" I asked.

"I just told her that I had a friend that I'd mentioned her bakery to, and that we'd make sure to stop in sometime this week. I couldn't figure out what else to say, so I didn't say anything else," Esme said.

'_She will probably have no idea what we're talking about,_' I thought.

Rose, Esme and I piled into the car and headed toward town. This was the first time I'd been in a car Esme was driving, and to my surprise, she was a decent driver. While I didn't have the same aversion to speed that I used to, I still wasn't fond of the speed and style of driving the others used. It was dangerous not only to their human passengers, but to the other drivers on the road. Shit happens and if you're driving 120 miles per hour and a deer jumps out in front of you, there isn't much you can do, human or vampire.

We arrived at the small bakery in just a couple minutes. I loved the 'downtown' area. It was such a cute little hick town and had all the mom and pop shops that you would expect. Everyone knew one another, and it just had a homey feel. The smell coming from the bakery made my mouth water in anticipation. The only customers in the store were a couple sitting in the front of the shop, eating pastries, and drinking coffee. There were two employees, a teenager, and a woman in her forties. She had long brown hair that was pulled back. She was short, and round, and had that grandmotherly feel about her, even though she was probably only in her forties. We went up to the counter to order from her. When she spotted me, she stopped what she was doing and put her hand on her chest like she couldn't believe her eyes.

"Oh, my. I can't believe I get to meet you," she said in a reverent voice. She came around the counter and pulled me into a tight hug. "My dear, I'm so glad you've come today. I knew you would come here eventually, Bella."

"Nice to meet you too," I said, a little uncomfortable that she already knew my name.

"Oh, how rude of me. My name is Beth. I know things," she said with a laugh. "Come, let me get you something to eat and drink."

She went back behind the counter and pulled out two of the cinnamon rolls I'd been eyeing and asked the teenaged employee to make our drinks. She led us to a private table in a back room, and after several minutes of a slightly uncomfortable silence, our drinks arrived. Mochas for me and Beth and an herbal tea for Rose and Esme.

"I've been told that vampires particularly like the scent of this herbal tea. Do you like it?" Beth asked.

Rose and Esme looked like they were both about to have a heart attack, had it been possible. I couldn't stop the giggle that came out, seeing their faces. "Yes, Beth, it is quite lovely," Esme finally responded.

"You're here about the prophecy," she stated.

Rose, Esme and I all looked nervously at each other and Beth burst out laughing. "Don't worry about it dears. I just know these things. I knew that you would be needing guidance and that at some point you would find your way to me to get some answers, although I still can't believe that I get to meet you. It is an honor to meet the bella guaritore di anima. I am honored that you are requesting my guidance and I only hope that I will be a help to you."

"How do you know about all this?" I asked, confused.

"It was my great-great-grandmother that made the original prophecy. I have a small portion of her gift, but it should be enough for me to guide you," she said. "You need to understand, Bella. You will save so many from terrible fates. We need you. The world needs you."

"I'm really confused, Beth. Maybe you could start with telling me what you called me earlier? Bella Guartino? I'm sorry I didn't catch it," I said.

"Your name, _Bella_ means _beautiful_ in Italian. You will be the _guaritore di anima_, which mean _soul healer_," Beth explained. "My great-great-grandmother made the original prophecy. She lived in Volterra, Italy which is where the Volturi are based. You know who they are, correct?" Beth asked. I nodded in response, unable to form words.

"The Volturi are corrupt with power and they seek to conquer. They seek to control those with great gifts and they destroy those that refuse them. They have hurt so many, and you will be the one that will show them what they have done. That is how the prophecy came about. However, that is not your main purpose.

"Your gift is to heal others; to heal their souls. You were prophesied to experience great pain, unlike any other. You would feel the devastation and wish to end your suffering, but you would be unable to do so," she explained. I could feel myself getting angry.

"So it is the prophecy's fault that all this has happened to me? It was your great-great-grandmother that cursed me?" I asked.

"Oh no. The women in my family are Seers, not witches. There's a big difference. My great-great-grandmother foresaw that you would exist and what you would do, but that is all. When it was Seen that you were born, a witch was commissioned to cast a spell to watch over you. It wasn't until you were marked by the third creature of the night that the spell was cast that keeps you from dying. You are too important for the world to lose. We did nothing to your destiny. We aren't able to change that, nor would we want to. These tragedies would have still happened without the prophecy. You would still feel this pain. We just couldn't lose you before your time, before you had a chance to learn from it. There are others that would try to destroy you. The same ones that wish to conquer all.

"You see, from the time of your birth, you have been destined to be a vampire. It is where Fate has been leading you, but things got messed up. The one you were with before, he was not your soul mate. You loved each other very much, but it was not meant to be, and in that way, your destiny was delayed and rearranged. There were still things that needed to happen, in any case, but this family is where you are destined to be. They complete you and you complete them.

"When you are changed, the things foreseen will come to pass. Trust me when I say that the world needs you. You will bring a balance to the world. You are a uniter. You are a healer," she said.

"So I get no say in any of this?" I asked, unable to keep the bitterness out of my voice.

"It is your destiny. There is nothing any of us can do to avoid our destiny," she said softly. She had a pained look on her face.

"I don't want my destiny," I said in a small voice.

"You will save so many, dear Bella."

"But why did all this shit have to happen to me? There are so many dead because of me. So much pain because of me," I cried. I wiped away the hot tears falling down my face.

"Those things were not your fault, and I don't know why it had to happen to you. It isn't fair, is it? Fate often isn't fair. These things did not happen _because_ of the prophecy. The prophecy was made because they _would_ happen and the person these things would happen to, _you_, would be the saving grace for so many. Even though you have experienced these things, or _because_ you've experience these things, you will save others."

"So...what's next?" I asked resigned.

"The most difficult part of this is the healing of _your_ soul. You will save many others. That is your destiny, but in order for your destiny to play out, first, you must be healed yourself. This will be the hardest part for you," Beth said quietly.

"How the hell am I supposed to do that?" I asked.

She turned to Rose and Esme who had been silent all this time. "Would you excuse us for a moment?"

"Of course, Beth," Esme said. Beth waited until they were outside before speaking again.

"Bella, in order to heal, you need your family. You need to trust them, to love them, to talk to them, to lean on them. And you need to allow them the same. They need you too."

"I'm trying to trust them, Beth," I said, suddenly exhausted.

"You _need_ to trust them, Bella. You need to tell them everything. They need to know what happened to you," she said forcefully, though she looked a little confused. "I can't see _what_ it is that they need to know. I don't know exactly what happened to you, but you need to tell them everything. They need to know in order to understand."

"They will blame themselves," I protested.

"They may, but they need to know," she repeated.

"Why?" I asked.

"They need to help you heal. You must understand something, Bella. If you refuse to fulfill your destiny, the prophecy may fail to be fulfilled. Not all prophecies are fulfilled, but if that is what you decide, make sure you can live with the consequences. Your future, if you decide to embrace your destiny, is so bright. It may seem impossible now, but you can be happy again. Happier than you could even hope to imagine. It is up to you to decide," she said.

"You know, not everyone has a 'destiny'," she said, using her fingers to make quotes. "We make our own destiny, including yours, even though your destiny has been prophesied. I also understand that that doesn't make much sense, though it doesn't make it any less true."

She stood up and gave me a hug, and I realized I was being dismissed. I still didn't feel confident, but I couldn't put words to the questioning feelings I had. I had the feeling that there would be no answers to any other questions I asked. It's not like my future was written in stone, step by step. I just had to figure out what I was going to do with what I did know. It was all feeling like too much for me.

I was in a dazed stupor as Beth boxed up a variety of pastries to take home with me. She handed me the box, and kissed both my cheeks, before making me promise to come to her if I needed her advice, but reminding me that it was up to me to find my destiny.

We were silent on the ride to my home. When I arrived home, Rose and Esme both walked me in.

"Thank you for coming with me today, and I'm sorry I doubted that your friend would help," I said sheepishly.

"In all honesty, Bella, I figured she was a fake, but I wanted to _do_ something. I'm glad I followed my instincts with her," Esme responded.

"It makes me nervous that she knows our secret, but I realize that this whole thing is bigger than us. Bella, I know it is a lot to deal with, but remember that we love you and we'll be here for you," Rose said as she gave me a hug.

As they walked back to their car, Rose called back to me, without turning around, "By the way, Happy Birthday Bella. We didn't think you'd want a party this year, but we didn't forget. The water heater you wanted is in the shed."

I couldn't think of any words, so I just waved to them and shook my head in response. I watched their car as it drove down the driveway, away from my house.

Being by myself in my house again…I felt so alone. It was like I was abandoned again. How much things had changed.

I settled back into a routine. I cleaned, then I paid bills that had been neglected during my impromptu 'vacation,' and I made a list of things that I needed for my house. By the time it was dark, I was more than ready for bed.

I did my nightly routine and realized how empty my life was. I had my routines. I had the things I threw myself into. I did those things because it kept me sane. It gave me a purpose when I could find no other. It didn't work anymore. Now that I'd found my long lost family, I needed them. I was afraid to be alone and I didn't _want_ to be alone. I missed them.

I got into bed, desperately missing the heavenly bed I'd slept in the past week and a half, and took a sleeping pill that Carlisle had given me. I felt it take effect quickly and could feel myself falling asleep in no time, thankful for an escape from reality.


	15. Nightmares and Sleepwalking

**JPOV**

"So…" Emmett said, drawing out the word and smirking playfully at me when the house finally cleared out for the first time in almost two weeks.

"So what?" I asked as though I had no idea what he was talking about. I sat back as Emmett set up the X-box for us, complete with back up controllers for when we would inevitably break one.

"Jasper, don't play dumb with me. What's going on with you and my little sister?" Emmett asked serious for once. I could feel his concern, but there was another underlying emotion that I couldn't quite grasp enough to identify.

"Nothing is going on with me and Bella," I said dismissively. If I had a beating heart, it would be racing.

"Don't lie to me Jasper," Emmett said. I sat down on the couch with a sigh.

I could feel his amusement as he sat down next to me and handed me my controller. "Jazz man, I know you like her. She likes you too. I see how you look at each other. When she walks into a room, she automatically looks around to see if you're there and she looks disappointed when you're not. I don't think she even realizes she does it. Both of you, man, your faces light up when you talk to each other. The attraction is obvious," Emmett said with a smirk.

"Okay, so I'm attracted. She's grown up to be a beautiful woman. It's hard not to notice that, but it doesn't mean that anything is going on," I said dismissively.

"Uh huh." He rolled his eyes at me. We got the game started and he easily beat me the first round.

"Distracted Jazz?" he asked, punching my arm lightly…well, lightly for him. I rubbed my arm. "Look, Jasper, Rose and I both approve. You're good for each other. Just don't move too fast and don't you dare hurt her."

"I wouldn't hurt her," I murmured.

"I know you wouldn't," Emmett agreed quietly.

"Isn't it a little weird though? Edward's ex-girlfriend?" I asked with my head down.

"Nah," he responded lightly. "She's a different girl now. Actually she's not a girl at all anymore. She's a woman…and what a woman, hey Jazz?" Emmett joked bumping my shoulder with his.

I couldn't help but laugh with him. "She is a gorgeous woman, Em," I agreed. The mood grew somber. "Emmett, I feel like I'm betraying Alice's memory."

"She would want you to be happy, Jasper, and you know she loved Bella. If she knew, she'd be jumping up and down with excitement at the possibility." I looked up at his smiling face.

"I could see that," I said with a small smile before my face crumbled. "Emmett, I miss her. I miss my wife," I whispered.

"I know, man. I miss her too. Just remember that she would want you to be happy again," he said quietly, giving me a one-armed man hug. I sent him a wave of gratitude.

"No problem, man. What are brothers for?" he said playfully and we started up the game again.

"Hey Em, something weird happened the other day when Bella and I were talking. She tried to consciously send me her emotions and it seriously overwhelmed me. I almost felt like I was…drowning in the emotions…but in a good way. It was…I can't quite describe it even. I've never felt like that before." I paused for a minute trying to collect my thoughts.

"What emotion was it?" he asked.

"Pride and trust. Em, it wasn't like I was feeling her emotions, it was like I was experiencing them myself? But like the rest of the world disappeared for a minute? I can't describe it man. It was just weird."

"In a good way?" Emmett asked as he killed my character in the game.

"In a good way," I confirmed.

"You think she could do that with other emotions? Maybe lust?" he asked as he waggled his eyebrows at me. I punched his shoulder hard.

"Hey now. No need for violence. I was merely suggesting that it could be a good thing in the bedroom," he said with a loud booming laugh. He jumped up from the couch quicker than should be possible for a man his size to avoid my fist.

"Want to go for a hunt?" I suggested. "I'm not really in the mood for video games."

Emmett smiled. "Let's go get us some bears!" Winter was coming so the bears would be nicely fattened up, but not irritably fun like in the spring when they are just waking up. They still tasted good. Well, as good as bears can taste.

Nobody mentioned anything to me for the rest of the week, other than very subtle comments about how nice it was that Bella was back, or how much she'd changed. Esme had that certain twinkle in her eye that told me she was scheming to play matchmaker. I just rolled my eyes and smiled. I had decided to just take it easy and see what happened.

***

It had been just over two weeks since Bella went back home and the house seemed empty. I felt more alone than ever in this house with two couples in love. I knew I was getting irritable, and it was starting to affect the others as well. I wasn't trying to project, but the others kept getting waves of irritation off me, and they were snapping at each other as well when I was around.

I spent a couple evenings at Bella's house, chatting with her while she worked on her home repairs. She enjoyed our time together as much as I did. I hated the suffocating loneliness I felt from her when I would leave. Occasionally Emmett, Rose or I would take a quick run by her house during the night to make sure she was safe. The incident with her ex-boyfriend was too fresh in our minds to leave her with no protection at all.

I tried not to linger there when she didn't know I was present. That was one thing that had always bothered me about Edward's behavior with Bella, especially before they started dating. His stalkerish ways were really rather creepy. Watching her sleep night after night, especially without her knowledge, or permission was just fucking creepy.

That being said, there were a couple times when I was doing a quick patrol that I stayed for a couple minutes to calm her emotions. Her nightmares scared me and I wasn't even the one experiencing them firsthand. She was so in control of her emotions during the day, but at night...at night her emotions got out of their cages. No wonder she said that she avoided sleep.

I talked to her about it one evening when we were visiting, and she said that she was very pleased with the sleeping pills that Carlisle had prescribed for her. She had no memory of the frightening dreams. It was good that she didn't remember. The second time...I still couldn't get those screams out of my head. That was the only time I actually entered her house without her permission. I thought she was being attacked, but she was just alone in her bed.

Carlisle had found a place just over the border in Canada that had an overpopulation of deer, so we were heading up there for a weekend hunting trip. Not the tastiest of animals. Actually, they were downright disgusting if you asked me. However with the drought they'd had in that area, the animals would just die out in the winter with such a large population and not enough food, so we might as well nourish ourselves with them.

I was nervous leaving Bella alone while we were out of town. It didn't make sense to me how uncomfortable the idea made me. I was just being irrational, I knew. I had taken a quick run around her property several hours earlier, just after nightfall. Now I was waiting outside, for Rosalie to finish getting ready. We always wear old clothes while out hunting, because it is messy hunting animals. I don't know what could possibly take so long, for her to get ready.

Suddenly, my whole body tensed as my instincts told me there was danger. I froze and listened carefully as my eyes scanned the area, for any sign of a threat. For several minutes, there was nothing, but I continued my vigilance. Suddenly, I heard it. A scream in the distance…from the direction of Bella's house.

"Em! It's Bella!" I yelled as I took off toward her house.

I heard Emmett following, but I didn't wait for him to catch up. I wasn't sure I'd ever pushed myself to go faster. I found her alone, on her knees about a mile into the woods behind her house, screaming like she was in mortal danger. I fell to my knees in front of her, trying frantically to see how she was hurt, but I couldn't find anything.

I pulled her into my arms, and just whispered over and over, "It's okay, sugar. I've got you."

Soon, she was calm and asleep in my arms. The others had arrived and stood awkwardly behind us, unsure of what to do. I whirled around, with Bella still in my arms, and instinctively growled at Carlisle as he started coming up behind me.

"I apologize, Carlisle," I said straightening up when I realized it was just him.

"No apology needed, Jasper. May I take a look at her?" he asked. I nodded and met him halfway. He did a quick exam of Bella before shaking his head. I could feel his understanding, regret, and irritation.

"The sleeping pills I prescribed have been known to induce sleepwalking, and, in some cases even sleep _driving__. _I should have prescribed something else," he said quietly. "Bella most likely won't remember this in the morning."

"I'll bring her back home," I said.

"We'll wait for you, Jazz," Rosalie said. They walked with me back to Bella's house. I put her back in bed and wrote a quick note to her to let her know she'd been sleepwalking, and to call when she awoke for the day. I wanted to stay with her, or at least have one of us stay, but we all needed to hunt. Not to mention that she was a full grown woman, capable of taking care of herself...or at least that was what I tried to convince myself as I left her house.

"Don't worry, Jasper. She'll be alright," Emmett said as we all started at a leisurely pace toward Canada.

"I know," I lied. We hadn't gone even a mile when I heard her scream again.

"I'm staying," I said as I stopped. Everyone was looking in the direction of the screams. "I'll hunt locally tomorrow. Have fun in Canada," I called over my shoulder as I raced back to Bella. I vaguely heard them answering me, my concentration on the anguished cries.

I rushed into Bella's house, sat on the edge of the bed and gathered her in my arms, pushing calm to her. It made no difference.

"The blood. There's so much blood," she whispered in horror. Her eyes were open and she was looking at me, but it didn't appear that she was actually _seeing_ me. She pushed my arms away and ran for the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before she started heaving. I held her hair back as she emptied her stomach.

When she was done, I carried her back to her bed and lay her down. She was covered in a sheen of sweat. At vampire speed, I went back into the bathroom, and wet a clean wash cloth with cool water. She was mumbling to herself when I returned. I sat down next to her and gently wiped her face with the cloth. I had to lean down to hear what she was saying.

"So much blood. So much blood. I can't get the taste out of my mouth. I can't get it out of my hair. There's so much blood. I can't get it out of my mouth," she kept whispering. _What kind of nightmare was this? _Her emotions were so mixed up, I couldn't figure out what she was even feeling in her dream world. They were all dark, negative feelings. It was suffocating.

I lay down next to her on the bed and she automatically curled up against me. I held her tightly and sent continuous waves of calm, love, and security. Eventually her emotions evened out and she fell into a calm, restful sleep. I didn't stop sending her positive emotions. I couldn't take that risk. I couldn't...I couldn't see her like that again.

It was just two hours later that Bella started to stir.

"Jazz?" she asked, looking confused when she saw me. "I don't remember inviting you into my bed, and I don't have a hangover to suggest I was drunk. Care to explain why you're here?" she asked with humor in her voice.

"You don't remember what happened last night? But it was so special to me," I said, trying to sound devastated. She snickered and got out of bed.

"Seriously, Jasper. Not that I don't love having you in my bed, but why are you here?" she asked with a smirk.

"I heard you screaming last night. You were out in the woods sleepwalking. I brought you home, but you were having nightmares so I stayed," I explained. I tried to keep the concern out of my voice, but she seemed to catch on that it was bad.

"I don't remember dreaming. Was it bad?" she asked looking away from me. I could feel she was ashamed, and embarrassed.

"Yes."

"Was I talking?" she asked, still not looking at me.

"Yes." I knew what was coming, but I didn't want her to ask. I didn't want her to ask, because I was afraid of what answers she might have to my questions.

"What did I say, Jasper?"

"You were talking about being covered in blood. You were saying that you couldn't wash it off and…" I stopped. I could feel her revulsion, and recognition. This was a familiar nightmare for her.

"And?" she asked, resigned.

"You said that you couldn't get the taste out of your mouth," I said quietly. She simply nodded, and left the room. I heard the shower turn on, and I could feel her masking her emotions again.

I left her a note to tell her I would be back soon, then I ran back to my house, picked up my motorcycle, and then rode into town. It would have looked funny if I showed up without a vehicle.

The bell jingled as I opened the door to the bakery. Esme's friend looked up at me right away, and smiled at me.

I went up to the counter. "I'd like two of those famous cinnamon rolls, and a large mocha," I said politely. She started up the espresso machine for the mocha and got the pastries packaged up. I watched her as she worked. She looked strangely familiar. I'd seen her once before, when I'd come in last time to get Bella breakfast, but it was something else that was familiar about her.

"You are good for her you know," she said cryptically as she handed me her change. Esme warned me that she was a Seer.

"I keep hearing that," I said with a wry smile on my face.

"It's true. She can't do what she needs to do without you," she said, deadly serious.

"What does she need to do?" I asked.

"Many things," she said cryptically. "I won't tell you so don't try." I could feel from her emotions that she was enjoying this. I chuckled, and she smiled back at me. It was that smile. Alice's smile.

"Ma'am, may I ask your sur name?"

"Russo," she said with a knowing smile. She wasn't going to make it easy for me.

"Any Brandon's in your family line?" I asked.

"I had a great aunt with that married name. They were…not open minded. They were afraid of what they did not understand," she said with a sad face.

I didn't know what to say after that, so I thanked her and took my purchases.

Bella was sitting on the bench swing on her front porch when I returned.

She reached anxiously for the mocha and moaned appreciatively as she took a sip. "You sure know how to butter me up, Jasper," she said laughing.

"I aim to please," I said smiling. I loved the sound of her laugh. She was starting to get that sparkle back in her eyes. I only got a flash of that sparkle every now and then, but I appreciated the beauty of it every time. I wanted to see her happy again.

We sat in a comfortable silence as she ate her breakfast. She seemed to really enjoy the cinnamon roll. Her little pink tongue kept darting out to lick her lips. Not that I noticed.

"I talked to Esme's friend that owns the bakery," I said to distract myself.

Bella chuckled darkly. "Are you supposed to save the world too?"

I couldn't help but laugh along. "Is that what you're supposed to be doing?" I asked.

"Something like that," she said. We had heard what had been said during their meeting, except for the part that was spoken privately to Bella.

"Beth is distantly related to Alice," I blurted out. Bella leaned against me, and I put my arm around her shoulders.

"It's a small world," she whispered quietly. I nodded in response. "A distant relative of Alice made this prophecy. I wonder if she knew that," Bella mused.

"Who knows? Alice…was Alice. She did things her own way. She would have told us if she knew something we needed to know," I said, trying to sound sure of myself.

"She would have Jazz," Bella agreed. "It must be very difficult to be able to see the future. To have people depending on your visions. Knowing what things can be, will be, should be, could be. To have to figure out what you must do to make something important happen, or to keep something bad from happening," Bella said thoughtfully.

"It was a burden for her at times, but it was all she'd ever known. She often felt like she didn't do enough. She felt like so many people were depending on her," I said.

"With great power comes great responsibility," Bella said wisely, trying, and failing not to smile.

"Spider-Man, Bella? Seriously? You're quoting Spider-Man?" I asked, chuckling. She really knew how to lighten things up when necessary.

"A great man once said…" she said with a laugh. I squeezed her shoulder, and she pulled herself closer to me. Her warmth felt good. Not that I noticed. Well, my throat noticed. I was overdue for a good hunt and it was starting to get uncomfortable. Not unbearable, just uncomfortable. I could deal with that, I thought, with a smile.

After a couple minutes, I could feel her determination becoming her dominant emotion.

"Jasper, I think that I need to tell you guys the whole story about what happened after you left. I know that I need to do it, but figuring out how much to tell you and how to tell you…it's complicated."

"Maybe you should just let it all out," I suggested.

"It's not as simple as that, Jasper," she responded.

"It never is darlin'." After a long pause, I sighed and spoke again. "Esme called earlier this morning and was wondering if you'd like to come over tomorrow evening. She's missed you."

"I would like that," she responded quietly. I could feel her longing and her loneliness. "I miss you all. As much as I try to deny it at times, you are my family.

"Jasper, when I tell all of you, will you help me? I…it's not an easy story to tell, but it also won't be an easy story for you to hear," she said. "I might need help though…to make it all the way through the story."

"I'll always be there for you when you need me, sugar."


	16. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

**BPOV**

I had spent the last two weeks in the same uneasy routine. I worked on the house, I thought about things a lot, I slept. The highlight of my days started on the third day home. I'd gotten one or two calls a day from various Cullens' up to that point, but then on the third day, Jasper stopped by. I'd really missed our daily chats, so I was glad he came. I was trying to finish the big items of repair before winter, so while I worked on the renovations, he talked and kept me company for a couple hours. He didn't offer to stay while I slept, to keep the nightmares away, and I didn't ask. The sleeping pills Carlisle had given me were helping a lot. I was able to sleep and avoid nightmares. The best of both worlds.

Or so I thought.

It was evidently a bad nightmare for Jasper to be lying in my bed in the morning. I could see in his eyes that I'd scared him. Maybe the pills just made it so I didn't remember. Would that be so bad?

He left not long after our conversation, but promised to come back that night to help keep the nightmares away. I wasn't much company, and I think he realized that I needed time to myself. Jasper was good about that. He didn't push me most of the time, and the times he did...I had to admit that I needed the push. He always seemed to know what I needed. It was probably one of the benefits of being an empath.

In order to be able to tell them, I'd need to relive that night, all the details that were forever etched in my memory. All the things I tried so hard not to think about. The memories that were worse than the resulting nightmares were.

I took my daily run, went through my yoga routine, and meditated. When I finally felt a little more centered, I started getting ready for Sunday, the day I was dreading with all my heart, mind, and soul. As I cleaned the house, I practiced what I would say in my mind. I decided, and accepted that I would go over tomorrow and tell them everything. They deserved to know.

I took a nap in the afternoon, still tired, probably from walking in my sleep. In my experience nightmares in general were quite draining. I woke up after only one hour of restless sleep, reliving that night in my dreams. I was drenched in sweat. I spent too many years of my life with sleep like that and nightmares. It was wearing me down.

I took a hot shower, for the second time that day, thanks to my birthday present, and dressed comfortably in yoga pants, and a sweatshirt. I got out the second cinnamon bun that Jasper had brought, and ate that while I watched a movie. Jasper joined me for the second half. I was pleased to see his eyes were much lighter than they had been in the morning. We stayed up most of the night having a cheesy horror flick marathon. It was starting to get light out when I finally conceded my defeat to the exhaustion.

"Jasper? Lay with me again?" I asked, embarrassed.

"It would be my pleasure," Jasper said. He smiled softly at me and lay next to me. I could feel myself quickly overcome with lethargy, and barely got out a word of thanks before falling asleep in Jasper's arms.

***

Jasper gave me a quick kiss on the cheek when I woke up. "I'll let you get ready and meet you at my house," he said before leaving. I watched him go on his Ducati.

_Damn! That's hot!_

Before I knew it, I was standing at the Cullens' front door. I sighed when I felt my dread replaced with calm and tranquility. Jasper opened up the door and took hold of my hand, and I felt even more at peace. Very slowly he increased my determination, so by the time we got to the living room and sat down, I was ready. Everyone was already in the living room waiting for us, and Esme had a steaming cup of coffee waiting for me.

"I think it's time that you hear the rest of my story. I know that you need to hear it, and I need for you to know. It is not a happy story. It does not have a happy ending. I don't blame you, but you left unfinished business behind. Please try not to interrupt," I started. I still had my hand in Jasper's, and I tightened my grip on him. He was going to be my lifeline. I found a spot on the wall to be my focal point. I knew I wouldn't last if I had to look at them.

"I'll start at the beginning. I glossed over most of the important details, so I figure I might as well start from scratch here. I don't know what Edward told you about how he left me. He brought me out into the woods, though not very far. I could still see my house from where we were. He told me that he was leaving. I tried to explain that I would come with him. If it was time for him to leave, I told him I was ready to leave my family, and start my new life with him. He told me that no, the family had already left, and that he didn't want me to come with. He said that you all were tired of pretending to be human with me. He was tired of me, he didn't love me, and he didn't want me. He said your kind are easily distracted, and he was sure that with my feeble human mind, I would forget about him in time.

"When he took off, I tried following him. I don't have any idea how long I walked, but I ended up falling down, and didn't even try to get up. It was hours before someone found me. I was catatonic for the first week. It wasn't until my parents tried to force me to move to Florida, with my mom, that I finally started going through the routine of living. I went to school, I cooked, and I worked. I existed. I tried my best for Charlie. Years later, after I had time to grow up and think about it, I know that he left for my safety. I still don't think he loved me like I loved him. He destroyed me by leaving. He always said that since I was a human, I couldn't understand how much more he loved me, but he completely destroyed me. I was already insecure, unsure of myself, I doubted myself, and doubted that I was good enough for him. He just confirmed that. The fact that you all left without even saying goodbye was the nail in the coffin, so to speak. I knew that I obviously didn't mean enough, to you all for you to leave without a word, no way to contact you, and you never attempted to see how I was. I felt completely worthless.

"Then I befriended Jake. He made me feel…better. He taught me how to ride a motorcycle. He made me smile again. I finally felt like I was maybe going to be okay again. Not as good as before, but at least I'd be able to function. And then one day, Jake stopped talking to me. He wouldn't return my phone calls, he wouldn't see me. I was devastated again.

"I'd been trying to find Edward's meadow that we used to go to, and after hours of searching, one day I found it. I was hoping that maybe I'd be able to feel him there, like he hadn't left me completely, but I didn't. However, I did find my proof that vampires really did exist. Laurent was there." Everyone in the room gasped at that point, but I trudged on with my story.

"Victoria had contacted him, and wanted him to capture me so that she could torture me to death or something. I managed to catch him while he was hunting. He was leaning in for the kill when five giant wolves came out of the woods and chased him away.

"I think I was a little slow at that point. I still didn't connect the dots, and figure out that the wolf part of the legends was true as well, but it wasn't much longer 'till I figured it out. Jake and the others were wolves. Once I could tell them why Laurent was there, the pack was able to better anticipate Victoria's moves. I don't know if any of you realized that Victoria was James' mate, but she was. According to Laurent, she said she was taking revenge on me, because then it would be a mate for a mate. Even when she knew that he'd left me, she still wanted me to suffer because it was on my behalf that James was killed.

"Anyway, that summer, just after graduation, Jake and I had started dating, but one day we had a fight. We were fighting about your family actually, and I kept defending you guys. Most of the pack's exposure to vampires had been human drinkers, and they didn't know what you guys were even like. It was a common fight trigger between us. I knew he was losing control, but I kept pushing, and pushing because I was so angry, and Jake phased. I tried to turn, but he still got me as y'all have seen. We claimed to have been hunting and a bear got me. It was extremely painful. Since I was in such poor physical health before that, because I had lost a lot of weight due to my lack of appetite and insomnia, it took a very long time to heal.

"Victoria came for me during that time. She caught me unaware, unprotected, and unable to fight; though it wouldn't have been much of a fight even if I was uninjured. She said that she was satisfied that I was suffering, especially after I told her that it was my current werewolf boyfriend that was responsible. She told me that she would be back after I was healed.

"Right before Christmas, Jake proposed and I accepted. Renee and Phil flew up from Jacksonville, and were staying in the guest room for Christmas. It was nice having my family there. I had gone to bed Christmas night, but woke up after an hour or so. I felt like something was wrong so I went downstairs, and found my parents there tied up. Victoria tried to make me choose who would die first, but I wouldn't. She tortured them in front of me, and then killed them. She told me she ate before she came so she wasn't thirsty."

I took a deep breath and I looked at Jasper for extra support. He looked traumatized but sent a surge of determination, calm and peace. "She bled them out, covering me in their blood, and making me drink it. When she was finally done, she was about to bite into my neck when Jake and Sam finally arrived, and took her down. They staged the gas explosion as the cover story.

"Victoria had made a small newborn army to distract the wolves. We knew that she was a threat, and she was after me specifically, so they normally had patrols around my house. When the newborns attacked La Push, they left my house to help with the fight. That's how she was able to get past them. Three wolves were killed in the fight with the newborns. Embry, Seth and Collin. Collin was only thirteen. He was just a kid.

"Officially the pack didn't blame me. Only Paul and Jared blatantly held me responsible, but the rest of them… I knew. They blamed me. Even dating Jacob, I was still known as the vampire girl, and it was the vampire girl's fault for the vampire being there. She was after me. Jake and I didn't last much longer after that, but Jake continued to insist that he didn't blame me. He stuck up for me.

"Then one day that spring, he imprinted. He found his soul mate. It's been described to me before. When they imprint, it's like everything in the universe is suddenly unimportant. All that exists is that person. It is complete and irrevocable. Jake found his soul mate and I was left with nothing. Again. Unwanted again. Alone again.

"I had the insurance money from both of my parents' insurance policies as well as the money from selling Renee and Phil's house. I made a large donation to the Quileute's scholarship fund in honor of the fallen wolves, and I go back every year at Christmas and pay my respects at their graves." I was completely drained.

"So those are the missing details of what happened in my life after you left. I don't blame any of you." I finally let go of Jasper's hand and went outside to sit in the garden. They were frozen in place, but I tried not to look at them as I passed. I didn't want to see their faces.


	17. Reactions

**JPOV**

We all stood frozen in shock and horror at what Bella had revealed to us. My eyes followed Bella as she left the house, but I couldn't make my body move to follow. I felt physically sick. The others looked like they were feeling the same way.

"This is all our fault. I'm surprised she is even willing to speak to us," Rosalie whispered, after several minutes of deafening silence. She curled up into Emmett's side, and he put his arm around her holding her tight.

I took a deep unnecessary breath, and without saying a word I went out the back door. I spotted Bella sitting on a stone bench in the flower garden, though the flowers were gone for the year. I walked at a slow human pace, and sat down next to her, wrapping my arms around her. I wasn't able to feel any of her emotions until I came in physical contact, but even then she was…emotionally shut down. I felt her resignation, despair, and sorrow, but not clearly. It was like she'd given up.

This was the reason behind her constant numbness. This was why she didn't want to feel anymore. This was why she didn't want to…_be_ anymore. I understood it now. I thought my life was over when Alice died, but for her to be abandoned and told she was unwanted by one family, and then watch her other human family tortured, and killed because of her involvement with us. I understood why she felt she was to blame, but it wasn't her fault. It was _ours_. It was _mine_.

"Bella…there isn't anything that I can say. I'm sorry doesn't cover it. We should have been there. We shouldn't have left you. By leaving you behind without saying goodbye, and making sure you were safe, we proved ourselves to be the monsters most think we are. I'm so fucking sorry, Bella," I said, my voice barely more than a whisper.

"It wasn't your fault, Jasper. I told you that I don't blame any of you. For a long time I did, but it wasn't your fault, and I know that now. Some things just happen, bad things, and it just so happens that they usually happen to me," she said quietly. I could smell the salt of her tears making my non-beating heart ache for her. I wanted to take her pain away. I wanted to heal her. I wanted to lo…be there for her.

We were silent for several more minutes. I could hear our family in the house still distraught and trying to figure out what to do about everything.

"I'm so tired, Jasper. I'm so tired. I want it all to just go away. I want to be able to close my eyes and have the nightmare that is my life just…disappear. I'm…I'm just so tired," she said. I could practically hear her heart breaking into pieces. I could feel her giving up.

"I understand that, Bella. I do. But you can't give up. You've been through so much; there's no denying that, but we need you. I need you. Let me help you. Let me heal you," I whispered in her ear. "You aren't alone anymore."

"Is there even anything in me worth saving anymore?" I started to speak, but she kept going. "I just…there's only so much a person can take. I've been so far past that point for so long. I ache for the peace of death, but I am even denied that. Why? Why is it me that has to feel so much pain; to have my heart ripped out over and over? Pretty typical, huh? 'Why me?' Seriously though, why me? I understand that there is this fucked up prophecy. They say that I am the one that the prophecy talks about, _because_ these things happened to me and that it isn't the cause of them, but is that true? How can so many fucked up things happen to one person, a weak human. I can't help but wonder what the hell I did to deserve this shit. Was I a serial killer in a past life? Did I murder a bunch of children and just now Karma is coming back to kick my ass? I just…" she growled, looking toward the sky and her voice rose. "What the fuck did I do to deserve this? I'm so fucking tired. I can't take any more. I…can't do it anymore," her voice ended in a whisper.

"Bella, you know that there are no answers to your questions. You didn't do anything to deserve what has happened to you. You are kind and selfless. You are beautiful inside and out. Your eyes sparkle with life when you laugh. You have a great sense of humor. You don't hold a grudge and you are quick to forgive. You see the humanity in us when all we can see is the monster. You would sacrifice yourself to save your family. You worry about everyone else over yourself. You love selflessly. You are probably the strongest person I have ever met." I took a deep breath and kissed her temple.

"How can you even ask if you are worth saving? You are worth it. I told you before and I'll continue to tell you over and over until you get in through your head. You are worth it. You may not think it's true but we need you. You complete our family. It wasn't the same without you here. We left a part of ourselves behind. We need you Bella." If I had the ability to shed tears, I would have.

She turned to face me and reached up to kiss me. It was just a soft, chaste kiss, but the heat of her touch lingered on my lips. I wanted more, but I knew this wasn't the time. She curled up against my chest and I held her close.

As we sat lost in our own thoughts, I began to feel Bella's emotions more and more clearly, increasing amounts of relief and trust. We sat out there for close to an hour before the others came outside to join us. They stood in a circle around us in an awkward silence for several minutes before Carlisle finally spoke.

"Bella, there is nothing I can say that will make this better, but I am very, very sorry for your loss. We all are. You said that you don't blame us, but we do. We should have been there. We should have recognized the possible danger from his other coven members looking for revenge. We...well, we never should have left in the first place. We should have given you a way to contact us. We...made so many mistakes and you were the one hurt most by our mistakes.

"We understand you are reluctant to trust us again. Honestly, I'm going to have a hard time trusting my own judgment for a while. We just...we love you Bella. You are part of this family, an integral part of it, and we will learn from our mistakes. We will not leave you again. You are part of this family. I...I can't express how sorry I am, Bella," Carlisle concluded, trying to hold himself together. I could feel his grief, his guilt, and his self-loathing.

"It wasn't your fault Carlisle. I don't blame you for what happened. I understand that Edward made the decision to leave. You had to support your son," Bella said. I felt a spike of anger from her when she said the last sentence. "It wasn't your fault that you guys didn't know that Victoria was his mate. She was an evil woman, and made the decision to…destroy people's lives. That was her doing, and there was no way for you to know about it."

"Either way, Bella, we are very sorry and hope that in time you will be able to trust us again. If there is anything you need, please don't hesitate to come to us."

She just nodded in response and held me tighter.

"Bella, you know, I always thought of you as the weak human, but you are anything but weak. I don't think I've ever met a stronger woman. I'm sorry for ever thinking anything less. You are my sister and I love you. I am so very sorry for the part we played in this mess. I'm sorry you were made to pay for our mistake. We should have realized that she was James' mate and taken care of it when we had the chance. I'm sorry Bella," Rose cried. Bella got up and gave her a hug, as Rose sobbed into her shoulder.

The rest of the day was very awkward. Nobody seemed to know what to say to each other. Everyone's minds were on Bella's story. Her voice and the detached look in her eyes, while she told us her story, would haunt me for all of eternity. The fact that she was still able to function at all was astounding.

We eventually made our way back into the house, and went up to my study to read. Bella lay on the couch with her head on my lap as we read. I held my book in one hand and stroked her soft hair with my other, pausing only to turn pages. I could feel her contentment, and it filled me with such peace. I could still feel an underlying current of grief and pain, but it was minimal compared to earlier in the day, and completely understandable.

"Hey Jasper?"

"Yeah?" I was intrigued as to what suddenly had Bella so excited.

"Get ready. We're going to go for a ride. I want to get out of the house and it's beautiful outside this time of year, with the leaves changing."

"That sounds like a great plan, Bella," I responded enthusiastically.

Emmett suddenly appeared in the doorway but to my surprise Bella continued to lie with her head in my lap and I continued to stroke her hair. "We should go in a couple days, so Rosie and I can get some bikes and come along," he said with a small pout on his face.

"Em, why don't you guys ride my bike and I can ride with Jasper," she suggested.

I loved that idea. I fondly recalled that first night. Her sitting behind me, her arms wrapped around me tightly, surrounded by her heat. I often thought of that time late at night while alone with my thoughts. I started getting hard just thinking about it.

"Bellsy, that won't work. I'm too big for either of your bikes," Emmett said with an exaggerated pout. I could feel her amusement as she agreed to wait for the following weekend.

"You do realize that you have just ruined the spontaneous nature of my plans, don't you Emmett?"

Bella smiled at Emmett's booming laugh. "Sorry about that Bella, but it will still be a lot of fun. I make everything more fun just by being there."

"Sure, sure," Bella laughed as she rolled her eyes at him. "You think Esme and Carlisle would like to join us?" she asked.

Carlisle suddenly appeared in the doorway. "Esme and I were planning on going away next weekend, so you kids can go on without us. We'd love to join you next time though."

"So what are we going to do _today_ then? I want to do something fun," Bella asked Emmett, with her own irresistible pout.

Rose yelled from across the house, "Rock Band Tournament!"

"Rose? _You_ are suggesting a video game?" she asked in a normal voice.

Rosalie suddenly appeared in the doorway next to Carlisle. "Only Rock Band," she clarified. "Even Esme gets into it."

Bella finally sat up, and I instantly felt the loss. "Rock Band it is," she said. Rose and Emmett rushed out of the room to set up, while Bella laughed at them.

"Come on Jazz," she said and took me by the hand. I felt complete.

&lt;!-- end story --&gt;


	18. Sitting 'round the campfire

It was…terrifying for me waiting for the Cullens' to react to my story, though it was a relief at the same time, now that it wasn't a secret anymore. I knew from experience that vampires often froze up while dealing with stress, so it wasn't a surprise to me when they were all frozen like statues when I was done talking. I went right out to the garden, feeling claustrophobic in the house, despite the open design and arched ceilings.

I was lost in my thoughts when Jasper finally came out and sat next to me. I could feel some of the tension leaving my body. He made me feel secure. He made me feel less alone, both by his presence and by his gift.

Carlisle came out and said what I had expected him to say. It was awkward to say the least. There is not much a person can say after hearing something as fucked up as what I'd told them. I just wanted to skip over the whole thing and have everything go back to normal, or at least as normal as our severely abnormal group could get.

I was excited for our scheduled motorcycle trek though it had now developed into more of a camping trip, for the human anyway. I was disappointed that we didn't go right away, but it would be fun with Emmett and Rosalie there too. I was sad that Carlisle and Esme wouldn't be coming along. I enjoyed having them around, as friends rather than parent figures. It was a little strange to me how our relationship had changed, but we'd figured out what worked for us.

The week leading up to our trip, Jasper spent every night with me. We talked for hours every night about anything and everything. The night before our trip, I started wondering if I was really falling in love with Jasper. I could talk to him about things I couldn't talk about with anyone else. I'd talked about my daughter with Esme and Rose, but with Jasper I could actually make myself vulnerable and actually _feel_. That was a big step for me. I'd spent years trying to avoid feeling. I didn't, however, want to fall in love again. That never worked out so well for me.

_*Flashback*_

"_Jasper?" I asked after we'd been sitting in a comfortable silence._

"_Hmm?"_

"_Do you think I'll ever be able to get rid of the guilt?" I asked, quietly. My chest ached._

"_You don't have anything to feel guilty about. Once you truly accept that, the guilt will go away because it is misplaced guilt and completely unnecessary." This was one point about which we always argued. Jasper was adamant about all these things not being my fault._

"_What about Hope? That _was _my fault. I was supposed to protect her. I knew he was an abusive asshole. I just…I wanted the dream. I wanted my fairytale, but I should __have__ know__n__ from experience that nothing works out like the fairytale. There is no happy ending. At least not for me. I should have gotten out of there, but I didn't. It's my fault that he killed her. It's my fault that she didn't have a chance at life. I couldn't even protect her long enough to be born," I explained. _

"_I…I'm not saying this so that you say something sweet to make me __feel better. I want…I don't know what I want. Intellectually, I know it wasn't my fault because I wasn't the one that hurt her, but at the same time I know that it was my fault that I didn't get myself away from him before it was too late. So my brain is confused as to what I should think. My heart on the other hand…my heart hurts. My heart tells me that it was all my fault. I was her mother and I should have protected her. No ifs, ands, or buts. How can I go on with life like she never existed? Be happy again when she's not here?" I was getting hysterical._

_I was suddenly engulfed in Jasper's warm embrace. While his arms were cold, being wrapped in his arms was not. His touch flooded me with comfort, contentment, happiness, and love._

"_Bella, you are not to blame. You were in a bad situation darlin' but what happened wasn't your fault. You always were an optimist. You hoped he would change. You always see the good in people. That's not a bad thing," Jasper said, his Texan accent coming out clearly._

"_I'm such a cynic nowadays. I just accept that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. I used to be so optimistic. I used to believe that everything worked out for the best." I paused a moment thinking about it. "I think I was just in denial," I stated. _

_Jasper started chuckling. "Yeah, that was pretty cynical, Bella."_

_I couldn't help but crack a smile. _

***

"Bella! Hurry up!" Emmett yelled from outside. It was his fault that we were leaving in the afternoon rather than morning like we'd planned, but he was always the impatient one. Next time, the Wii might be magically unplugged when the video game marathon went too long.

I was packing the last of my supplies for our trip. "Well excuse me for not having super speed!" I yelled. I did a quick inventory of what I'd packed and then closed my backpack. I put it on, and grabbed the bag of food from the kitchen table on my way out of the house.

They were all waiting by the motorcycles. I was impressed with the selection of bikes we had. Emmett and Rose had gotten new Harley's. My bike was by far the least expensive but I didn't care. I loved my bike. It fit my personality just right and I couldn't imagine replacing it with something else. I'd spent a lot of time researching before deciding on the Shadow. It was just…me.

"Let's get out of here," I said as I swung my leg over the bike. I revved it up and sped down the driveway leaving the vampires in a cloud of dust.

We'd mapped out our route over the previous week, trying to find more remote and less traveled roads, but we started out on the main roads through the mountains. I loved the feeling of the autumn air. The feeling of the speed. It was refreshing, rejuvenating. I kept catching Jasper watching me, but every time I looked his way, he tried to appear like he _just_ noticed me.

The fall colors were beautiful. We finally got to our camping spot after several hours. It was a gorgeous overlook of a canyon. It was like a picture on a postcard.

"This is so beautiful," I breathed.

"I thought you'd like this," Jasper said.

In minutes Rose and Emmett had the tent up. Rose and Emmett suggested that they 'check out the area' and ran off with Rose giggling at whatever Emmett was whispering in her ear.

I gathered firewood while Jasper found several large felled trees that he used for logs for sitting around the fire. It was getting dark and a little chilly for the human, so we started a fire right away.

I could feel Jasper's nervousness before he started speaking. "Bella, you said I could talk to you about anything…"

"Anything at all. What's on your mind Jasper?" I asked, turning my full attention to him.

"I just…I keep focusing on the bad parts of my relationship with Alice, and I feel awful about that. I loved her with everything I had, but now, I just see how she wasn't right for me," he said, despair filling his voice. He was pulling on his blond hair and I was afraid he was going to start pulling it out.

"Jasper, we've talked about it before a little. There's nothing wrong with knowing there were things not perfect about a relationship, even when the other person is now gone. She wasn't perfect. Nobody is," I said as I pulled his hands from his hair. "What specifically have you been thinking about?"

"I know we've already talked about this, but I always hated how Alice always controlled everything, and I just can't get it out of my mind. She dictated what we would all wear, where we would move, what we should do, all based on her visions. She had a great heart, she really did, but it was all a little extreme; what she would do for us, decisions she would make for us. Sometimes it's better not to know. I feel like I changed too much for her. I wore fucking khakis and polo shirts for god's sake. That's not me. It may be more fashionable, but I don't care about that stuff. I changed me because I knew that those things mattered to her, but sometimes I felt like I was losing myself in the process. You know what I mean?" Jasper asked.

"I feel bad thinking about these things. I loved her with everything I had, but I still wonder if it wasn't enough. I wonder if we were really meant for each other, and then, of course, I feel awful for wondering. She's gone now, I shouldn't question it now," he finished with a sigh.

"It's not a bad thing to question, Jasper. No relationship is ever perfect. Alice was extreme in everything she did, including taking care of those she loved. It's just that she didn't always think about what we actually wanted. I _hated_ Bella Barbie time. I really did. It's just not me. I don't care all that much about what's fashionable. I don't care so much about how I look. I don't want to spend money on things I don't need and clothes I am not going to wear, simply because she thinks I should have it. That's not who I am. I only did it to make her happy," I said.

"We all did that, Bella. But now that she's gone…I feel like myself again. I feel relaxed and I feel…free. That's awful, isn't it?"

"No, Jasper, it's not awful. It's truthful. Remember you loved her, faults and all. She wasn't perfect and I'm sure she knew that. Nobody is perfect."

Jasper finally looked less guilty. "Why _did_ you put up with all the Bella Barbie time? It was no secret that you hated it," he asked.

"I put up with it because I knew it meant a lot to her and because I loved her. Despite that, I loved Alice with all my heart. She was the best friend I'd ever had," I stated firmly, but then my voice faltered. "That's why it hurt so much when she left without so much as a goodbye." I closed my eyes trying unsuccessfully to block the familiar hurt I felt every time I truly remembered what it was like when they left.

"I'm so sorry Bella. I still feel like it's all my fault that we all left you. If I hadn't been so weak…"

I cut him off before he could go any further. "Jasper, stop! Just shut the fuck up. It wasn't your fault," I said, emphasizing each word so he would know I was dead serious. "Edward was just looking for an excuse to leave. If it was entirely about protecting me, he wouldn't have left me completely unprotected. To him, I wasn't worth the effort. To him, I was a weak human. To him, I wasn't possibly capable of loving him as much as he loved me. To him, I was a fickle human. He was sure that I would forget all about him, forget about all of you, and move on. He was sorely mistaken on all counts. You told me a long time ago that I was worth it, but I wasn't worth it to him," I said, practically seething at the end.

"You know that he didn't mean the things he said to you when he left, right? He was miserable when he left. He thought he was doing the right thing," Jasper said strongly.

I just about fucking lost it. "He thought he was doing the right thing?" I screamed, getting up. I started pacing in front of the fire. "He was always so fucking melodramatic. He never thought about me being my own person. He made all the decisions _for_ me. He never thought I could actually make my own decisions about _my_ own life. I was just his silly little human after all. He would tell me I was being absurd. He would tell me I was being silly. He would tell me that I just didn't understand the seriousness of the situation, that is if he even bothered to inform me of the situation in the first place. He never saw me as an equal. He never saw me as a partner. He never thought me capable of being as smart or as strong or as _capable_ as him.

"He was never planning on turning me. He says he didn't want to take my soul, but that's just fucking bullshit. He was never planning on me being his equal. He was never planning on me being _mature_ enough to make my own decisions. How did he expect that to work out for us in the long run? Did he expect me to be the weak one; the one that needed to be taken care of for the rest of my life? Did he expect me to just sit back and get old when he would be forever seventeen? Would the excuse of being _too dangerous_ be used to prevent me from having a sex life for my entire life? Would I have been the '_weak one'_ for the rest of my short existence? I'm just not sure he ever considered that I was my own person, and perfectly capable of making my own decisions with my life. I loved him with everything I was and now it takes everything I have to not hate him." I lost my steam after that and sat back down in front of the campfire feeling completely defeated.

"At least I'm not stuck as a teenager for all of existence," I snickered. Jasper looked at me in shock before finally laughing with me. He projected his mirth and we both fell off the log, literally rolling on the ground laughing. That's how we were when Emmett and Rosalie finally returned. They were laughing too by the time they reached us.

"Jazz man, are you going to tell us what we're all laughing about? Maybe you could reel in the amusement," Emmett suggested.

"Sorry," Jasper said sheepishly as he tried to reign himself in. "We've just been reflecting on the past and Bella made a joke and once I started laughing I just couldn't stop." He sounded apologetic which made me sad. He was a strong man, but he'd been the 'weak link' so long. Well fuck that.

"We needed a good laugh. It's a good tension breaker. Jazz, you always know what I need," I said making sure to send out my feelings of gratitude, respect and admiration. Again, I got a response I wasn't expecting when he looked like he'd been sucker punched.

"Bella, you have to tell me how the fuck you do that," he exclaimed, almost breathlessly, after recovering.

"Sorry, Jasper. I don't know what I do differently. Back in Forks, occasionally, I'd try to send you emotions, like thankfulness for helping me calm down…or irritation when I didn't want to calm down," I said with a snicker. "I don't feel like I'm doing anything really different."

"It just makes me wonder, Bella," Jasper said simply. I just nodded, now thoughtful.

"Now, shouldn't we be singing campfire songs or something?" Emmett asked with a big grin as they settled down in front of the fire.

"Go for it, Emmett," I laughed as I threw a marshmallow at him.

Rose groaned, "Don't encourage him, Bella."

"You're all so mean to me," Emmett said with an exaggerated pout. We all laughed.

I put a couple marshmallows on the end of a stick and put it near the flames of the fire.

"I've never understood why humans roast marshmallows. Why do you want partially burned food?" Emmett asked, truly curious.

"Honestly, I've never thought about it. There isn't much food that is good burned, but marshmallows are simply better slightly burned," I tried to explain as I watched the browning marshmallows on my stick. "Burnt sugar has a particular flavor. It caramelizes or something. Fuck, I don't know. It's just good, Emmett. Try one, maybe you'll see what I mean," I said with a laugh, then promptly threw another marshmallow his way. Too bad vampires have such good reflexes. It would have hit him right between the eyes if he hadn't caught it.

We spent hours laughing and joking. My friends...my family. It was the happiest I'd been in years and I sensed it was the same for them. Finally I couldn't stay awake any longer.

"I'm sorry guys, but this human needs to get some sleep before I fall sleep and roll into the fire."

"We'd catch you," Emmett declared.

"Well, that's really nice of you and all, but I think I'm still going to go into the tent to sleep," I responded. Jasper helped me up and walked with me to the tent. I could hear Emmett and Rose putting out the fire.

"Sleep well, Bella. We're going to go for a little hunt while you sleep. We'll be back by noon tomorrow," Rose called to me. I waved my goodbye as I covered my yawn with my other hand.

I got myself situated in the sleeping bag and then Jasper came and lay down next to me. I curled up against his chest and took a deep breath, breathing in his wonderful scent.

"I had a good time tonight, Jay," I mumbled into his chest.

"Go to sleep, Bella. I'll keep the nightmares away," Jasper whispered as he wrapped his arms around me. I sighed in response and let myself relax into sleep.

&lt;!-- end story --&gt;


	19. The end or the beginning

"_Jasper! Harder!" I cried. He tipped his cowboy hat in acknowledg__ment and then thrust me into me again, adjusting the angle just right, and then I was flying._

I woke to soft kisses on my eyes lids and hands lightly exploring the exposed skin of my stomach, but I was aching for more, especially after that dream. I moaned and reached for Jasper, pulling lightly on his blond hair to bring his lips closer to me. His taste was nothing short of amazing. I idly wondered if I had morning breath, but I didn't particularly care either way and Jasper didn't seem to either.

"Did you have a good dream?" he asked in a rough whisper.

"Mmm," I moaned in response. "It was a _really_ good dream."

"What was your dream about?" he asked in a husky voice.

"Let me show you," I whispered as I thrust my hips up against him.

He put his hands on the bottom hem of my shirt and raised his eyebrows in question. I nodded, giving him permission and he pulled my shirt off and then pulled me closer. The coolness of his skin against my nipples made me hiss in appreciation.

He pulled his mouth away from mine and looked down at me. "So beautiful," he groaned.

He gently pulled one of my nipples into his mouth, carefully avoiding his teeth. I gasped at the sensation and was happy as can be that I wasn't wearing a bra, then I started pulling up the bottom of his shirt. Jasper simply reached down and ripped it in half.

I ran my hands lightly over the curves of his muscles. He was fucking built! I could feel the scars, crisscrossing over his entire body and it just turned me on more. He was a fighter, a soldier, a warrior. Fuck! I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust.

I could feel his erection against my leg and I adjusted myself to rub myself against him. Jasper let go of my nipple and threw his head back with a deep growl that seemed to have a direct connection with my pussy. He grasped my hips tightly and started grinding against me. I met him stroke for stroke, cursing the layer of clothing between us, but at the same time hesitant to remove them. I was enjoying my relationship with Jasper and I wouldn't want to do anything to ruin it.

I suddenly screamed out Jasper's name as he let go of his gift and I was bombarded with lust, elation and love. Jasper roared in pleasure as he met his own release. I panted through the aftershocks and Jasper sounded just as out of breath, though for him, breathing wasn't strictly necessary.

"Darlin', I can't believe I just dry humped you like teenagers in high school." I could feel him chuckling and he sounded…he just sounded so carefree.

"I _do_ feel like a horny teenage girl again," I laughed. I cuddled up close, pulling myself against his chest and breathed him in. "This feels good Jasper," I whispered.

"This feels right," he responded in a whisper so low I wasn't sure I was intended to hear it. I ignored his statement. I couldn't let myself hope. I couldn't let myself fall in love. It was just too painful, but I was afraid I was doing just that. We lay there for several minutes just enjoying being in each others arms.

"Sugar, as much as I enjoy holding you in my arms, we should get up for the day. I was wondering if you wanted to go for a ride again today."

I could feel Jasper's excitement and I nodded in agreement. We had a bit of an awkward moment as Jasper left the tent to get his bag. I threw some jeans and a long sleeved shirt on. It was a much cooler day and I was hoping that my leather jacket would keep me warm enough.

Jasper was waiting for me by our bikes, looking sexier than ever. He looked truly relaxed and happy. He smiled genuinely at me and I couldn't help but push aside all my doubt and fear and just be happy in the moment.

Without saying a word, we took off, bikes side by side. A couple minutes later we came across the old, closed campground we'd passed the day before and made a little stop so I could use the outhouse.

"I don't see how you can go in there," Jasper said in disgust.

"It's disgusting, but I'd rather go there than in the trees. I'm still new to being outdoorsy," I said. "Men have it easy. They can just whip it out and pee anywhere. It's a lot harder for a woman and honestly, I don't like peeing on my shoes." Jasper just laughed at me, but I was serious about that.

The drive was beautiful. We got out on the open road and I felt so free. The rush of the wind, the picturesque views; it was like a fairy tale. I couldn't even bring myself to be self conscious that Jasper was watching me more than the road. I was having a hard time keeping my eyes on the road myself. We found an overlook of a beautiful valley to stop for lunch.

"So Bella, how are you feeling about everything? I can tell that you are less overwhelmed, but how do you really feel about it all?" Jasper asked quietly as we enjoyed the view.

"What exactly are you inquiring about?" I asked, pretending to be ignorant of his meaning.

"The prophecy and the future," Jasper clarified.

I sighed deeply. "I don't know Jasper. Mostly, I've just put it to the back of my mind. I want to deny that it's real, but obviously it's not. I would love to know the answer to the typical 'Why me?' question. I don't like the idea that I don't have a choice. Beth said I still have a choice but it doesn't feel that way, you know? It just...it seems like a lot of responsibility. To be honest, I'd just love some peace and quiet. Things have been better lately, but still, I often just wish that the whole world would just go away; for everything to cease to exist. I just wish for peace."

"May I ask you a question?"

"Sure," I said, dreading it.

"Are you still suicidal, regardless of the fact that you seem unable to die?"

"Sweet is true love that is given in vain, and sweet is death that takes away pain," I responded with one of my favorite quotes for my depressed periods.

"Tennyson," Jasper said, recognizing the quote. I nodded and then sighed.

"In answer to your question, no, I'm not suicidal, but sometimes I think death would be a relief. Pretty morbid, huh?"

"You have no idea the impact you have on the people around you. It would not be a relief for us. It would be devastation."

I didn't know what to say to that, so I didn't say anything and we had another long period of silence.

"So how do you feel about being turned?"

"It's supposedly my destiny," I said, and left it at that.

"But how do you feel about that?"

"When I was with Edward, I didn't want to be turned because I wanted to live forever. I wasn't doing it because it was the cool thing to do. I wanted to spend my eternity with him," I explained slowly. "Now…I guess I still feel like it was meant to be…like that is the life I have always meant to have." I paused for several minutes lost in my own thoughts.

"I'm afraid of spending eternity alone. Even as a part of your family, I am alone. I am afraid of being forever alone," I finally admitted in a whisper.

"You won't be alone, Bella," Jasper said with deep emotion in his voice.

"I think I will always be alone, Jasper. No matter how close I get to people, I am always alone. I have never, not once in my life, fit in anywhere, truly belonged anywhere, completely accepted anywhere. Maybe that is part of my destiny as well." I took a deep breath. "God, I'm really bringing down the mood, huh? Sorry Jazz. I don't mean to get all depressed on you, but you asked."

Jasper looked at me with a tortured expression. "Bella, regardless of how you feel, please know that we love you and we will not abandon you again. I know that it will take time for us to prove that to you."

We sat in semi-awkward silence for a long time, before Jasper finally spoke up again. "Do you have any idea of when you want to be changed?

"Probably sooner than later," I finally said. "I wanted to finish my cabin, but that's going to take a long time, and then I won't be able to live there for a while 'till I am out of the newborn stage. I might as well just wait to finish it until I can live there again… or maybe I'll just sell it. I don't really want to though. It's my first home. I've put so much work into it. It's been my sanctuary.

"Jasper, you mentioned all of us leaving town for a couple years and going somewhere remote. Do you already have an idea of where we'll go?"

"We have a nice place in the Canadian Rockies that we've been talking about. It's completely remote. We actually have to take a small plane there. It is very peaceful. Lots of great hunting. It's probably my favorite of the Cullen houses I've been to. I'm looking forward to returning, if that's where we decide."

"It sounds nice."

"When we get back, let's talk to Esme and Carlisle and they can point out on a map where they own homes. I'm sure they have pictures too."

"That would be fun," I said with a small smile. I had enjoyed the house shopping when I'd been looking for my cabin.

"Jasper, can...I would like to ask a big favor of you," I said. I was sure he could feel my nervousness.

"What is it, Sugar?" he asked, looking concerned.

"Nothing to worry about, Jazz," I said quickly and he relaxed a little. I couldn't look at him when I asked, so I continued to intently watch the scenic view in front of us. "I was wondering if…if you would be willing to be the one to do it? You know, to bite me?"

He was completely silent for probably thirty minutes. It was so long before he responded I started wondering if he'd even heard my question. I pondered the fact that I should have been feeling extremely nervous, but I felt at peace. I should have been worried that he might figure out that I wanted…him, like I had been worrying when I first decided to ask him, but again, I just felt at peace. It was what I wanted. It was like it was meant to be. Who the hell knew? For all I knew, maybe it was meant to be. Maybe there was more to this whole thing than Beth had told me, or more to the whole thing that Beth didn't even know herself. Or maybe I was just putting more into it than there was.

The silence was thick in the air, but finally he spoke. "It would be my honor to be your Sire, Bella. You have no idea how much that means to me," he said quietly. "Why did you ask me and not Carlisle?"

"I trust you, Jasper. You understand me. I just…I want it to be you."

"Let's get back on the road, Jasper," I said. I did my best to ignore all the thoughts screaming in my head to the back of my mind and focused on our ride. Several times Jasper tried to say something, but he never did.

We headed back in the direction of our camping spot, but we had several hours before getting there. I freed myself in the elation of riding my bike. We were in a section of road surrounded by huge trees, Jasper riding his bike on the road behind me, when I suddenly heard Jasper cry out my name.

It was like time slowed down. I had been looking at the beautiful autumn colors surrounding us, but when I heard Jasper's voice, I saw a large white tail deer, a doe, coming toward the road just ahead of me. I stared at her as she stopped in the road ten feet ahead to look at me. We both had looks of horror on our faces. I turned my bike, trying to avoid her, but I was too close. The bike turned on its side and I skidded down the road with the bike on top of me. I watched emotionlessly as I headed straight for the trunk of a very large oak tree.

My life didn't flash before my eyes and I wasn't scared. All I could think was 'Oh, shit!', and then everything exploded around me before the world finally disappeared.

***

JPOV

I was basking in knowledge that Bella wanted me to be the one to change her. I was thrilled and honored to be asked. I was thinking about how beautiful she would be once she was changed, when suddenly I saw the deer on the side of the road, heading right toward Bella. I couldn't help yelling out her name, even though I knew that there wasn't anything that she would be able to do about it. The deer was too big, she was too close, and we were going too fast. I couldn't do anything other than look in horror as Bella's bike went over and she skidded down the road, heading right for a tree as the deer ran in the opposite direction. I was paralyzed as I saw her head hit the large trunk and her neck snap to an awkward angle. I skidded to a stop myself stopping a couple feet from her still body and was on my knees at her side seconds later.

It was like time stopped as I looked down at her body. She was lying on her back, blood oozing from beneath her helmet, though the blood did nothing for me but turn my stomach. Her neck was obviously broken, her body torn up by road rash. As gently as I could, I removed her helmet and straightened her head. Her unseeing eyes were open with a glassy look to them. I gently lowered her eyelids, unable to continue looking at her sightless eyes.

The silence surrounding me was complete. No sound of breathing. No heartbeat. Even the creatures of the woods were silent. I finally took in a shuddering breath, feeling as though my body and mind were breaking in half and let out a roar of pain. I heard the rush of wings as a flock of birds fled a nearby tree, before the silence engulfed us again.

She was supposed to live. She was supposed to beat death. She couldn't die. She just couldn't.

I couldn't stop the sobs erupting from my chest. She was supposed to stay. She was supposed to stay with _me_. I realized then what I had been trying desperately to deny. I was in love with Bella. I loved her with everything in me. She couldn't leave me now.

As my sobs quieted, I caught movement from the corner of my eye. A small wolf walked right up to us, completely ignoring my presence. She lay down next to Bella's still form and whined. The young wolf nudged Bella's hand with her nose and then howled into the wind. It was a sound of mourning.

The wolf stayed for several minutes before suddenly bolting. I heard the sounds of running feet but I barely had the energy to notice or care. Rose and Emmett were at my side seconds later. Rose pulled me into her arms, tearless sobs ripping from her chest. Emmett fell to his knees on Bella's other side, in shock at what he was seeing.

In the back of my mind, I heard Rose get up and call Carlisle.

Emmett had to take the phone from her when she could no longer speak coherently. I just stared at Bella.

I realized my mind was playing tricks on me. I heard a stuttering heartbeat. I could see a pulsing in her neck. I shook my head. Surely it was a bad sign, even for a vampire, to see things that weren't there.

Emmett dropped the phone and we all gasped as we heard a deep, frantic inhale of breath and a strong frenzied heartbeat. Bella's eyes shot open and she took another deep breath. I could feel her panic.

I could feel her! She was breathing! Her heart was beating! She was awake!

I couldn't move. I was frozen in shock as Rose tried to calm down Bella and keep her still. Emmett, having broken Rose's phone when he dropped it, found his own phone and was back on the phone with Carlisle, who was already on his way to us. I continued to stare at Bella, watching her chest move up and down as she continued to breathe, watching her neck as the blood continued to pulse through her veins.

Carlisle, having taken a more direct route than we had been taking on our biking trips was there in just under an hour, driving my truck. It was Bella asking him if vampires could go into shock that finally thawed me from my frozen state.

"Bella," I finally gasped.

My trembling hand reached out and touched her cheek, needing to have a physical confirmation that she was still with me. She reached her hand up and wiped at my cheek. I looked blankly at the moisture on her fingertips as she took her hand away.

"I thought vampires couldn't cry," she whispered.

I reached up and felt my cheeks and indeed, my cheeks were wet.

"We don't," I said simply in reply.

Finally, I felt like I was aware of my surroundings again. Rose and Emmett were picking up the debris that at one time were part of Bella's bike. Carlisle was busy taking care of Bella's wounds.

Bella was in a lot of pain, but you wouldn't know it by looking at her face. She hid pain well.

"Bella, you died," I whispered to her as I moved her hair away from her face.

"I'm here," she said and grasped my hand. The pain was finally apparent on her face, but this time it was emotional pain. I looked into the depths of her deep brown eyes.

"You can't do that again," I said. "You can't leave me."

With that, I could feel her realization and understanding. I sent her as much love as I could and tears started falling down her face. I could feel her returning the feelings. My unbeating heart swelled as I came to a realization myself. She loved me too.

"I'm not leaving," she whimpered through the tears.

"Shh," I responded as I stroked her cheek, wiping away the tears.

I leaned down and kissed her lips softly. Carlisle cleared his throat, letting me know there were others there. Honestly, I'd forgotten them. As I looked up, I saw all three faces with smug smiles. They were radiating joy. Bella blushed but had a huge smile on her face as well. For the first time since we had found Bella again, I felt nothing from her but contentment and peace. Maybe she could finally find that peace she'd been searching for. Maybe she could find that with me.

We got her loaded into the back of the truck on a back board, and I sat in the back with her to help keep her immobile for the ride back home. I held her hand as tightly as I could without hurting her and watched her as she slept, hardly able to take my eyes off her.

As Carlisle started the truck up, I heard Rose say smugly to Emmett, "I win. No video games for a week."

&lt;!-- end story --&gt;


	20. Mates

BPOV

When I woke up again, I was in my dark guest room at the Cullens' house. It all came rushing back to me. It was strange for me, waking up like this. I'd never had someone with me when I'd had my near death experiences before. I hadn't had a social life of any kind in quite some time.

I did a quick assessment of my condition. I was achy all over and the skin on over half my body itched like I never thought possible. I realized that my neck and back were immobile. I was strapped to a board or something. The funny thing was that there wasn't a sharp pain of any kind. It was just achy. Honestly, I can't complain.

I heard movement to my right and realized that I was not alone. I was unable to turn my head, but Jasper got up and came into my line of vision.

"You've been asleep for a long time, darlin'," Jasper said quietly. "I've been worried, but Carlisle keeps assuring me that you're just fine."

"I've had worse," I responded, trying to sound unconcerned. His face looked even more worried.

"You were very, very lucky, sweetheart. You have no idea how worried we were. You weren't breathing and your heart had stopped for over 20 minutes." Jasper's eyes were red and he kept running his fingers through his hair.

I had no idea it was like that. I never was really sure what happened when I had these...death experiences, I guess they should be called. I had no idea I actually died. I felt kind of numb inside, trying to figure out how I was supposed to feel about that.

"Thank you for being there with me. I'm sorry you had to see it though," I said, trying to make him feel my appreciation. He nodded slightly in acknowledgement.

"I . . . I care a lot about you, Bella. I don't know what I would have done if you weren't okay," he said, avoiding my eyes. "I just . . . I . . . I never got to know you before, and now that I have spent so much time with you. . . . You're my best friend and . . ." he finally looked at me and grasped my hand so tightly it almost hurt. "I can't lose you, Sugar. I need you. I need you to always be with me . . .if you want me to be there."

It hurt me to hear the desperation in his voice. I could feel what he couldn't seem to put into words and tried not to think about how cute he was, stumbling over words trying to express himself. He probably wouldn't appreciate that.

"Jasper, I'm not going anywhere. I . . . I can feel what you're trying to say. I need to warn you though, I'm . . . a bit of a mess," I said, desperate to make him understand. Turns out I can't express myself either.

"Seriously guys, just tell each other 'I love you'. We can all see it. I have no idea why you two can't," Rose said from the doorway, looking smug as can be.

Jasper growled at her and she rolled her eyes, but walked back out of the room. There was a bit of an awkward silence.

"I do, you know. Love you, that is," Jasper finally said.

"I love you too Jasper, but like I said, I have issues. I don't know that you'd want to deal with them all. I'm really fucked up to be honest."

"I love all of you, darlin'."

"I have abandonment issues and I have a hard time trusting. I don't know how you're going to put up with me," I said trying to be upfront about it all.

Jasper chuckled. "I have abandonment issues too and I have a hard time trusting. And really, nobody should have to put up with me," he responded.

"Oh, shut up!" I laughed. "I was serious."

"So was I," Jasper said soberly. "But you're my best friend and if anyone can understand me, it would be you. You're going to be changed soon and we will have forever to figure it out, or at least as much as a forever as we can have."

I could see in his eyes that he was thinking of Alice. Even being immortal doesn't always last forever.

"Okay," I said. Really eloquent, I know.

Jasper looked toward the door. "Carlisle wants to come in and check you out now that you're awake."

"Come on in Carlisle," I said and he appeared in the doorway, with a big smile on his face.

"How are you feeling?" he asked as he started checking me out, starting with my head before moving his hands to feel the vertebrae of my neck.

"Not so bad, considering," I said with a small smile.

"I don't mean to diminish the pain that you've been through, Bella," Carlisle paused to take a breath, looking at me with such excitement in his eyes. "It has been so exciting seeing how your body heals itself. The road rash looks only slightly better than it did at the time of the accident, but your neck. . . . From what Jasper described, the vertebrae were completely broken, your spinal cord most likely severed. Now, there is no sign of any fracture or dislocation. Your neck muscles are swollen and most likely sore, but if you consider the alternative . . . Bella, I don't mean to be insensitive but this is just fascinating to watch and study. I've never seen anything like it before."

Honestly, he looked like a child in a candy store. His face was lit up and he was practically vibrating with excitement. I couldn't help but laugh.

"Carlisle, I'm glad you are having fun," I said between laughs. Suddenly I had a great idea, but I was pretty sure that everyone else would find it to be a very bad idea.

"Bella what is it?" Jasper asked, sensing the change in my emotions.

"You're not going to like it," I warned Jasper. He gestured me to continue. "Okay, but let it be noted that I warned you. I was just thinking that when I heal from this, maybe Carlisle and I could run an experiment of sorts to satisfy his curiosity . . . and mine." I laughed at the end.

I was feeling so light and…loved, suddenly I was seeing the world with optimism again. It had been a long time since I'd felt curious about anything like I was at that moment. I wanted to know how it worked too, other than just 'magic' like Beth had explained. To watch it in action.

"What do you mean?" Jasper asked cautiously.

"I told you that you aren't going to like it," I warned again. He nodded and I continued, "When I'm better from this accident, we'll do something life threatening, like slit my wrist and watch to see the physical mechanism of it healing."

Jasper's mouth dropped open, but he appeared unable to speak.

"He could see the damage from the beginning and watch as it heals itself. In the interest of scientific knowledge. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity," I said reasonably. Or at least I thought it was reasonable. My vampires on the other hand did not. Suddenly my room was crowded with five vampires, all staring at me like I'd grown a second head, though I was pretty sure I hadn't. I was starting to wonder about the effects of pain meds that I may have been given.

Carlisle was the first that regained the ability to speak. "Bella, that is a . . . an interesting idea, but I don't think that is a good idea, even in the interest of scientific knowledge. I find that it's generally a good idea to not tempt fate. Since we are dealing with prophecies and destinies, I think that it is particularly important to not tempt fate in this case."

"It was just an offer," I said with as much of a shrug as I could, seeing as how I was still strapped to a board.

"I've said it before, and obviously I'll be saying it again . . . over and over. You are a very strange human, Bella Swan," Emmett said, shaking his head.

"I've never claimed to be normal, Em. I still can't see what the big deal is. Carlisle would be right here. You could always change me if it all goes wrong," I said.

"Bella, for the sake of my sanity, please stop," Jasper choked out.

I looked around at my vampires that were surrounding my bed, looking down on me. I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing. They all were looking at me with matching dumbfounded expressions. They all shook their heads.

"Bella, it's good to see you doing better," Rose said, before leaving the room. Emmett shook his head at me again before following her.

"Bella, please don't suggest that again," Esme said to me quietly, glancing over at Jasper. "I don't think Jasper can handle it right now."

I looked over at him again, really studying his face and I immediately felt bad for making light of it, though I still didn't think it was such a bad idea.

"I'm sorry Jasper," I said quietly.

"Please don't talk about hurting yourself, sugar. I can't take it," he said hanging his head as though shamed.

"Jasper, show me what you're feeling," I requested. I needed to know.

I slowly felt his guilt, fear, insecurity and love. The fear was the most prominent emotion at the moment. I reached out to him and he took my hand.

"I'm not going anywhere, Jazz." I pushed out my love to him and he gasped as it hit him. His eyes fluttered closed and his whole body seemed to relax as his lips turned up in a soft smile.

It was still so strange, acknowledging to both him and myself that I loved him. It was like a weight had been lifted from me and I was set free.

Carlisle finally, unstrapped me from the board and let me get up. I was extremely sore moving my muscles again, but that was to be expected and really a blessing compared to what could have been. The road rash burned as I moved. It was primarily on my left side and my back. I'd been wrapped in huge bandages. Carlisle had put antibiotic ointment on them before wrapping them, so they should heal quickly. Even though it was taking longer to heal than the more serious wounds, it was faster than a normal human. For the second time that day, I was appreciative that I was no longer a normal human.

I'd felt for so long that it was a curse, wanting nothing more than the peace of death. Now that I knew that Jasper actually felt for me how I felt for him (no matter how much we'd both tried to deny it), the thought of dying, especially at my own hand, made me nauseous.

I hadn't noticed Esme and Carlisle leaving the room, but suddenly, I realized that Jasper and I were alone. He sat down on the bed next to me and was still holding my hand, but he just wasn't close enough.

I climbed onto his lap, straddling him and lightly touched my lips to his. We both sighed in relief at the contact and then we both started laughing. I held onto him tightly, burying my face in his chest, as we continued to laugh harder and harder, 'till I had tears streaming down my face. I think we just needed that release from the tension.

When we settled down, I looked into Jasper's face and felt complete. He wiped my remaining tears from my face and then cupped my cheek with his hand.

"I love you, Jasper," I whispered.

"I love you so much, Bella. I've been trying to deny it, but I can't anymore. I thought I was going to lose you. I thought you were dead . . . finally dead . . . irreversibly dead. I couldn't take it. I just . . . I couldn't handle the thought that you might be taken from me. I wouldn't survive it. I need you. I need you as my mate. I can't get enough of you. Everything I am, everything I have is yours. My heart, my mind, my soul . . . it's all yours," he whispered passionately as he stared deeply into my eyes.

"Oh, Jazz. I've spent years now feeling worthless, unloved . . . unwanted. I've tried so many times to end it all. All I've wanted was peace and I wanted nothing more than death. Suddenly, the idea of dying scares me so much and it tears at my heart. The idea of losing you, of not being with you . . . it kills me. I've been trying to deny my feelings for you. I feel guilty and unworthy, but I don't care anymore. I need you. We'll have forever together, or as much as a forever as we will be allowed, and however long that is, it will never be long enough. Just please, Jazz, don't hurt me," I said pathetically. He started to speak, but I put my fingers against his mouth to silence him.

"Jasper, I wasn't kidding earlier when I said that I'm really messed up. I'm insecure. I'm afraid of being hurt. It's only fair to you that you know I have abandonment issues. I've lost everyone I've cared about. Over and over, everyone has left me. Voluntarily or not, it doesn't matter. It all hurts just the same. So I'm telling you straight out right now, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being abandoned and I'm afraid of rejection. It may be annoying, but I may need extra reassurances for a while," I said. I was trying to be as honest as I could and it was humiliating. However, I cared enough that I needed to tell him. Maybe I needed to admit it to myself just as much.

"Don't be embarrassed, sugar. You have no idea what you do for me and my self esteem. You have already healed me more than you can understand. You make me feel whole again. You make me feel more whole than I have ever felt before. Your very presence calms me like nothing else. Let me heal you as you have already healed me," Jasper whispered, before leaning into my lips.

Again, I sighed in relief as his lips touched mine, but this time, it was no laughing matter. I was soon breathless and when I finally had to pull away to breath, his lips didn't stop. He peppered my skin with light kisses, trailing down my jawline and down my neck. He sucked lightly at the skin where my neck and shoulder met and I moaned loudly.

I wanted desperately to make love to my cowboy, but after a while of making out, my body was protesting too much.

"Bella, my love, I want nothing more than to tear off your clothes and ravish you right here and now, but you still have a lot of healing to do. I don't want to hurt you and I can feel how tired you are," Jasper whispered in my ear.

"I don't care," I moaned, even though I completely agreed and was just thinking the same thing myself. Jasper chuckled.

"I love you, Bella."

"I love you too, Jasper."

"Do you feel up to going downstairs for something to eat?" Jasper asked me as we straightened out our disheveled clothes.

"That sounds great. I'm famished," I said, just realizing the truth of that. I honestly hadn't noticed up to that point. I had my mind on other things.

I reached for my brush, but Jasper got it first and brushed out my hair for me. He even made brushing my hair sexy. When we were both presentable, Jasper led me by the hand down to the kitchen. It was pitch black outside and I was surprised to see that it was three o'clock in the morning.

Everyone had huge grins on their faces. Rose looked particularly smug, which kind of confused me. I raised my eyebrow in question, but she didn't say anything. Her lips twitched a little, like she was trying not to laugh. I rolled my eyes at her and accepted the sandwich Esme had made for me.

I sat down at the table and Emmett suddenly appeared in the chair across from me. Stupid vampire speed.

"Yes," I finally asked as he stared at me with the biggest smile I'd ever seen on his face.

"So...you and Jasper, huh?"

"Yup," I responded and took a bite of my sandwich. I was a little confused when his smile fell a little.

"That's it? No Blushing Bella?" he asked, looking very put out. I burst out laughing, but felt kind of bad as I saw his annoyed face.

"Sorry Em," I said, trying not to laugh.

"You're no fun," he said sullenly.

"Sorry I'm wrecking your fun, Emmett. Listen, when I wake up tomorrow, I'll play video games with you to make it up to you."

His face lit up for a second, before his smile fell again. I followed his eyes to Rose, whose smile grew even more.

"What's up?" I asked completely confused but amused.

"I lost a bet," he said, embarrassed.

"What bet?" I asked.

"Um, we bet how long it would take you and Jasper to admit your feelings for each other. Rose won," he mumbled. I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing again.

"How long did you bet," I asked, curious.

"I said by Christmas. Rose said that this weekend trip was the perfect time," he said, rolling his eyes. "If you hadn't…died…I probably would have won."

I sighed dramatically, "I'm so sorry for ruining your plans, Em."

"It's okay, Bells," he assured me, playing along. We all laughed. It felt good, laughing with my family. I still felt kind of separate from them, but I felt less alone. When I thought that, Jasper reached over and squeezed my hand. I think he understood.

Carlisle stopped us as Jasper and I started up the stairs.

"Bella, I just wanted to let you know that I talked to my friend, Eleazar, who is able to sense others' extra gifts. He and his family will be coming to visit in another week or so. They are anxious to meet you," he said.

"That's great, Carlisle. It will be interesting to hear what he has to say," I said, actually feeling excited again. It was kind of weird having all these positive feelings coursing through me.

"Good night, Bella. We all love you very much and we're glad that you are alright," Carlisle said as he gave me a big hug.

"I love you all too, Carlisle. I'm very glad that y'all are back in my life."

I washed off my face and got ready for bed. I desperately wanted a shower, but I had to wait for the bandages to come off. Jasper was waiting for me in bed when I got out of the bathroom and I couldn't have asked for anything more. He was wearing black pajama pants and a dark gray t-shirt.

I slid into bed next to him and pulled myself close to him as he covered us up. I smiled when I realized that he'd added an electric blanket. I reached down and tugged on the bottom of his shirt. He seemed hesitant to take off his shirt, but he complied. I leaned back and took a good look at his bare chest.

"You are so fucking sexy, Jasper," I moaned as I ran my hands over the crisscrossing scars. "My warrior."

"Sleep, Bella," he said, a bright smile lighting up his face. I snuggled close to his chest and fell asleep in seconds.

***

"Jasper, could you hand me that duffle bag next to you?" I asked as I picked up a pile of clothes to bring back to the Cullen's house. I was going to stay there for another week or two, while the Denali clan came to visit.

It had been three days since we declared our love, four days since I'd 'died.' Jasper hadn't left my side for more than a couple minutes. It was amazing how quickly everything had changed. It was as if suddenly everything was suddenly like it should be. I had been afraid of admitting my feelings to Jasper, afraid that he would not reciprocate, but that seemed like such a ridiculous worry now. My life, the entire world even, suddenly made sense with Jasper at my side.

Wow. I was getting a little melodramatic, but that really was how it felt. I felt nervous when Jasper left my side, even if it was just to give me privacy as I peed. So much had changed so completely and I couldn't be happier about that. I deserved it, didn't I? With everything I had gone through, enough loss and devastation to destroy the strongest man, I deserved to be happy. I still felt now and then that I was dreaming, but then I figured, who the fuck cares? If I could just stay in my dream, stay in my happy place, I didn't care if it was just a dream. I would take what I could get.

I finished packing my bag, found the book I had been reading and put it in my bag to take with me. I realized that Jasper had been watching me for a while. He was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed against his chest and a sexy smirk on his face.

I walked over to him, putting a little extra sway in my hips and put my hands under his shirt and against his cold chest.

"Like something you see?" I asked.

"Mmm," he answered.

"I see something I like," I said and reached one hand behind his head to bring him down to kiss me. The kiss was passionate and almost frenzied. Jasper guided me over to the bed, and as the back of my legs hit the bed, I sat down. I looked up and was a little surprised his shirt had disappeared, but I made quick work of his pants.

One of the problems with living with a bunch of vampires is that they hear everything. Not that I cared all that much, especially considering how loud Emmett and Rosalie had been. After all Em had to have something to do to replace gaming time). It was still a little awkward having sex for the first time with him with four people listening in.

Once I got his pants down, I immediately took him into my mouth as much as I could, and used my hand for the rest. God had been very generous when he'd made Jasper. Jasper threw his head back at the contact and I could see how hard it was for him to keep himself still.

"Your mouth is so fucking hot," he moaned.

When I used my teeth to lightly scrape against his shaft, I could feel him getting even bigger and I could tell that he was getting close. I moaned around him and lightly pulled on his balls and he growled loudly as he came in my mouth. I swallowed it all down and then I suddenly found myself lying back on the bed with him down between my legs

He smirked up at me and kept his eyes on mine as he lowered his head. His tongue flicked my clit and I just about came apart right then. He sucked it into his mouth as he slid two fingers into me. He pumped his hand in time with his ministrations on my clit as I continued to look into his eyes and I very quickly felt that familiar tightening. I threw my head back and screamed his name as I came undone.

I watched again as he slowly licked my juices from his fingers. It was so fucking sexy. He slowly made his way up to me and kissed me with such passion the rest of the world just melted away. I could taste myself on him and it just turned me on even more. Not breaking the kiss, I reached down and guided him to my entrance. I moaned into the kiss as he slowly pushed his way inside me. It took me a couple seconds to adjust to his size but soon he was thrusting in and out at a delicious, inhuman pace. Our hands never stopped moving, always exploring, learning our mate's body.

I could feel myself getting close, and from the sounds Jasper was making, I knew he was close too. I nuzzled my face into the crook of his neck, and he reached between us and rolled my clit between his fingers. Not even thinking about what I was doing, I bit into his shoulder as I came. Jasper growled with his own release, seconds after me. His gift exploded around us and I came again, harder than I ever had before. I was crying out his name over and over like a prayer. I had never felt so loved, so cared for, so desired, so complete as I did in that moment. I was complete. I'd found my other half. I was home.

He stayed inside me as we came down from the high of our lovemaking. I couldn't get enough of him. I couldn't get close enough. I couldn't touch enough of him at once. We whispered sweet nothings to each other and soon he was hard again, moving slowly inside me, worshiping my body once again.

&lt;!-- end story --&gt;


	21. The Denali Clan

Jasper and I decided to spend several days at my house before returning to the rest of the Cullens. We stayed in bed most of that time. We couldn't seem to get enough of each other. Even when we had to stop because my human body couldn't take anymore, we still couldn't keep our hands off each other. We talked for hours about anything and everything. We told stories of our lives. Jasper, of course, had many more stories, having lived so long. We talked about our values, our hopes, our dreams, our fears.

Eventually we had to leave our bed and return to the Cullen house. The Denali Clan was due to arrive the following day and we needed to be there to welcome them. We were going to be having a family night and then they would hunt during the night while I slept. It was tough convincing Jasper that he needed to go with him, but as a newly mated couple, it was literally painful to be apart. However, his eyes were getting dark and he needed to hunt soon. Obviously I wasn't able to go with them at this point so it was just something we would have to deal with until I was turned.

Jasper had decided, for me, that I wouldn't ride a motorcycle again, until after I was changed. I normally would argue with that but the anguished look on his face quieted my arguments. I couldn't do that to him again. I was out of a bike anyway since mine had been destroyed in the accident. Rose had looked at it, but said that it wasn't salvageable. I really did love that bike.

As we pulled up to the Cullen house in Jasper's truck, Jasper's laugh pulled me from my inner musings.

"Be ready to be teased mercilessly. Emmett had been planning for days and I can feel his anticipation," Jasper warned. I laughed.

"Well, let's make it worth his while, shall we?" I suggested quietly. I didn't get embarrassed like I used to, so I might as well have some fun with the teasing. I wasn't exactly sure how that would be accomplished, but I was pretty good at improvising.

"Let's go in, sugar. Might as well face the inquisition head on," Jasper said with a smirk.

Jasper, always the gentleman, opened the door from me and took my bag. I stood on my tippy toes to reach his mouth for a kiss, which he quickly deepened. I practically jumped out of my skin when I heard a loud bang from the house as Emmett came bursting through the door to interrupt us.

"Bellsy! Already addicted to the Jazz man?" Emmett quipped in his booming voice.

"Fuck off, Em. I'm busy," I said pulling away from Jasper only long enough to tell him off. Jasper smiled against my lips. I groaned in protest as Jasper reluctantly pulled away from me a couple seconds later.

"Everyone is waiting inside for us, darlin'. You'll have plenty of time later to have your wicked way with me," Jasper teased.

"I'll hold you to that, cowboy," I stated, pouting a little. Jasper let me feel his lust and I struggled to control myself. "If you keep that up, we won't make it inside," I told him.

Jasper wrapped his arm around my shoulder and I wrapped mine around his waist as we walked into the house.

"So Bella…" Emmett started.

"Yes?" I responded, acting clueless.

"So you've officially mated?" he said, trying to get a rise out of me. It's just not as easy as it used to be.

"Oh yeah," I agreed. "Over and over. In every room of the house…and the porch," I added as an afterthought. Emmett's mouth fell open in surprise and I laughed.

"What's wrong, Em?" I asked feigning innocence.

Esme looked like she would be blushing if she could. "Emmett!" she scolded. "Leave the lovebirds alone."

"Sorry, Esme," he said sheepishly.

Rose came up to me and gave me a hug. "We'll have some girl talk later," she whispered in my ear. I just grinned and rolled my eyes.

"Bella, Jasper mentioned that you were asking about where we will live when you are changed. Would you like to go over our properties and pick out one?" Carlisle asked.

"That would be great, Carlisle, but it should be a group decision," I said firmly. I didn't want that responsibility.

"We own the homes we do, in the locations we do, because we love them. Any would be fine. We'll be looking at the more remote locations of course, because it will be easier for you as a newborn, but the choice will be yours," Carlisle explained with a big smile. He seemed excited about it.

I opened my mouth, but Esme stopped me. "You won't change our minds so don't bother arguing."

"Okay, but I would love to get input from all of you before I decide, especially considering that I've never been to any of these places," I agreed.

"Of course," Carlisle said and moved at vampire speed up the stairs. Before I could ask, he returned with a photo album.

We spent three hours going over pictures and looking the areas up on the internet. Everyone told me the things they liked about the various properties. The one that appealed most to me was Isle Esme, but we would have to go to the mainland to hunt, which pretty much ruled that out.

"Jazz, we'll have to go down there in a couple years once I'm in control of my bloodlust. It sounds beautiful and we could be out in the sun without having to hide."

"Of course, darlin'," Jasper said eagerly.

I couldn't wait. Sun, warm weather, beaches, naked Jasper on the beach…I couldn't ask for anything more.

"Okay then, I think I'd like to give the place in the Canadian Rockies a try. I don't know about you guys but I'd love a little peace and quiet and time as a family."

Rose spoke quietly, "I'd like nothing more, Bella." She gave me as big a hug as was possible with Jasper's arm still around me. "I'm so glad that you are part of this family again. You complete us, Bella."

I was tearing up. I hugged her closer for a second. "Don't go all Jerry Maguire on me now, Rose. That movie was chock full of cheesy lines," I said. She laughed, her voice a little shaky as well.

"Do you have a specific date in mind yet?" Carlisle asked.

"I want to wait until after Christmas," I said quietly. The reality of the whole thing was setting in for me. I wasn't scared, but it was going to change my life completely and with the whole prophecy hanging over my head, I was overwhelmed. Okay, I was scared. Jasper felt my rapid cycling of emotions and squeezed my shoulder again as I relaxed into him again.

"I was thinking about a month after Christmas. I want to go to Forks for Christmas one last time, and then we can have time to pack, move and settle into the new house before my change. How does that sound?" I asked.

"You're going to Forks for Christmas?" Emmett asked, surprised.

"I have gone every year. It's a time for me to pay my respects to my parents and the wolves that died protecting me."

"May I join you this time, Bella?" Jasper asked.

"Of course," I said, feeling relieved. I hadn't even thought about asking him. I had actually forgotten about my annual trip until we were talking about an actual concrete timeline, but I didn't want to go alone. For the first time since my parents were killed, I wouldn't be alone for Christmas. I felt warmed at that realization.

"We could all go," Esme suggested.

"Esme, that's so thoughtful of you, but would you mind if it's just me and Jasper? We can celebrate together early or after we return," I said, hoping she wouldn't be hurt.

"Of course I don't mind, Bella. I know that this is a very personal time for you. I just want you to know that we love you and support you," she said genuinely. She didn't seem at all upset and I was relieved.

"I love you guys too. It's just something that I've always done alone. Now I can do it with my mate. I just…I don't want to make a big production of it. I do it to pay my respects, to tell them that I haven't forgotten, but it's something I need to do alone...with my mate," I explained.

"We understand, Bella. You do what you need to do. We'll be here to support you however you need us," Rosalie said. Emmett nodded in agreement and hugged his wife.

"Okay, enough of this emotional shit. Should we watch a movie before you guys leave?" I suggested with a somewhat forced smile.

"That would be lovely, Bella, but I do wish you'd watch your language," Esme said with a small frown.

My smile grew. I really was part of the family now if she was correcting my language.

"Sorry, Esme. I spent a year and a half with a pack of wolves. Blame it on them," I joked. The house practically shook with Emmett's booming laugh.

"That's my Bellsy," he said fondly.

We watched Underworld and laughed at Hollywood representation of the wolves and vampires. I was still quite amused with how many vampire movies I watched with my vampires. When the movie was over, Carlisle suggested that everyone change before going out for their hunt.

"Will you help me fall asleep before you go, Jasper?" I asked. I felt a little pathetic, but just in the previous couple days I'd gotten used to sleeping with my mate at my side. Knowing he was going to be gone while I slept made me feel nervous and panicky. I hated that I felt like that.

"Anything for you darlin'," he said with a genuine smile. "We won't be gone terribly long. We'll probably get back before you wake up."

We went upstairs and I took care of my human needs and climbed into bed. Jasper came in about a minute later.

"Sorry I kept you waiting. I just wanted to talk to Carlisle for a second," he said.

I moved over and Jasper climbed into bed beside me. I snuggled up to his chest and I could feel the lethargy slowly increase.

"Love you," I managed to whisper before sleep overtook me.

Contrary to Jasper's opinion, they were not back when I woke up, though that may have been due to the fact that I only slept two hours. I tossed and turned for another hour before I finally gave up and got out of bed.

I wandered downstairs and made myself a pot of coffee. Then I spent the rest of the night reading in Jasper's study or at least trying to read. I jumped when I heard someone at the door to the study, just as the first light of dawn was starting to stream in the window.

"Jasper!" I cried as I jumped into his arms. I stood on my tip toes for a kiss and it seemed that everything around us disappeared. Everything was right in the world again.

"I missed you," I whispered as he kissed down my jaw.

Emmett suddenly appeared in the doorway. "Get a room," he said, laughing.

"We're in a room. Go away," I mumbled as I captured Jasper's lips again. I vaguely noticed Rose pulling him away from the room, closing the door discretely behind them.

"I missed you too, Sugar," Jasper whispered. "I should take a quick shower before our company arrives. Care to join me?" he asked.

"You even have to ask?" I was already stripping out of my pajamas as I walked toward the adjoining bathroom.

Jasper pinched my butt as he walked past me to the shower. His clothes had already disappeared with vampire speed and I admired the view as he got the water started. I started pinching my nipples as I walked toward him, stalking my prey.

He stepped into the spray of one of the two shower heads then looked back at me just as I brought one hand between my legs to rub my clit, keeping the other on my nipple. He groaned and started rubbing his length at the same speed as my hand was moving between my legs.

"Does that feel good darlin'?" he asked, emphasizing the drawl of his southern accent. My knees felt weak as I nodded slowly watching the water dripping down his body.

"Do you need help?" he whispered as I stepped under the spray of water in front of him, his eyes focus longingly at the hand between my legs. I nodded.

"Do you want me to touch you, sugar?" I nodded again.

"Do you want me to pleasure you?" Another nod.

"Do you want me to make you scream my name?"

I moaned loudly in response, unable to stay silent.

"Tell me what you want," he said as he lightly ran his nose up my neck, taking in my scent.

"I want you to fuck me with your fingers and then I want you to fuck me with your hard cock," I whispered in his ear and then bit my lip in anticipation as I leaned back to look at his face.

I watched as his eyes turned almost black with lust and suddenly I was up against the cold tiles of the shower as Jasper gave me what asked for. He touched me, he pleasured me and he made me scream his name. Four times.

After that very satisfying shower, Jasper got dressed a little too quickly for my tastes and went back to my room to retrieve some clothes for me. I was nervous meeting these new vampires. I knew the sisters' reputation and felt a little inadequate, but Jasper glared at me when he felt my emotions (like he'd been doing every time I felt insecure) and then flooded me with courage and confidence. I was a little surprised he hadn't yet had me stand in front of a mirror and say "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it, people like me!"

We were just coming down the stairs when I heard voices I didn't recognize coming from the doorway. Jasper put his hand on the small of my back, making me shiver with the memory of our shower, and led me to door. Jasper chuckled at me when he felt my lust, and then I felt a wave of calm come over me.

I watched the guests carefully as they came in the house, unsure of what they'd been told of me. There was a mated couple and three single females. Jasper introduced me to everyone and they couldn't have been nicer...with one exception. Tanya was beautiful, even for a vampire. Her personality on the other hand wasn't so pretty. She merely smiled coldly at me, looking down on me as though I was scum on the bottom of her shoe. I could practically feel the malevolence coming off her and I wasn't even the empath of the house.

"So...you're Jasper's new plaything," she sneered.

Jasper growled, barely loud enough for me to hear. I squeezed his hand in reassurance and stepped toward Tanya, though Jasper kept his hand on my back.

"No need to be jealous, Tanya," I said quietly and as politely as possible considering the level of my irritation.

"Trying to make your way through all the Cullen men? First Edward, then Jasper? Who's next? Emmett?" she asked.

I just smiled at her. I concentrated on sending Jasper my emotions. He let his hand drop from my back and I knew he understood I was up to something.

I walked up to Emmett and put my hand on his chest seductively. "What do you say, Emmett? Want to take me for a ride?" I winked at him and then turned to Rose and purred, "You're invited of course."

"We'd love to, Bella," Rose said as she cupped my cheek with her hand and smiled seductively. If I wasn't already mated and was interested in women…

I heard Tanya make a noise of disbelief behind me. I turned and walked back over to her.

"What's wrong? Did you want to join us, Tanya? I'd hate to make you feel left out or out of place," I said seductively.

We had a bit of a stare-off and then suddenly, she burst out laughing and the rest of us joined in almost immediately.

"Bella, dear, I may have misjudged you. Please forgive my rudeness," Tanya said.

"No problem, Tanya," I said as Jazz came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I sighed happily as he kissed the top of my head and I leaned into his touch.

"What would you have said if I said yes?" Tanya asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" I replied with a smirk.

I turned around in Jasper's arms and brought my lips up to his. I smiled against his lips and pulled away after a single lingering kiss, trying to remember that we weren't alone.

"Thanks for letting me have my fun without growling," I said as Jasper led me over to the couch to join the others. Jasper rolled his eyes at me.

"Bella, Carlisle has told me very little about your situation other than there is a prophecy about you. Can you tell me more about yourself and this prophecy?" Eleazar asked after we had settled down and made a little small talk.

I slowly went over the past five and a half years of my life, glossing over some of the more depressing parts. I told them about the Quileutes and the werewolves. Carlisle had warned me about Irina's relationship with Laurent so I was very careful in how I told the story. Irina looked devastated when I explained why Laurent had come back for me. I figured Jasper's presence was the only thing that kept her from losing it as I told her about how he'd attacked me and how the wolves had killed him. She seemed resigned when I explained that Laurent had been put up to it by Victoria and how she had subsequently gotten her revenge on me.

I also showed them my collection of scars from mythical creatures, which they seemed impressed by. Finally I told them about what Beth had said about the prophecy. By the time I was done with my story, I was emotionally drained. The story didn't get easier to tell as time went on. I didn't think it ever would.

Jasper kept me sane as I spoke; he was constantly sending me streams of calm, security, love and pride. His touch calmed and soothed me. When I was done, I leaned into him and sighed as my body molded to his.

"Bella, you have our condolences. The fact you are here, living your life and able to find love again is a testament to your strength. You have a lot of pressure on you regarding this prophecy, no?" Eleazar asked. I nodded and Jasper squeezed my hand again.

"Did Carlisle tell you about me at all, dear Bella?"

"Not exactly. He said that you might be able to help, but he didn't specify how," I said.

"I have an extra sense you might say. I am able to sense the extra abilities that some vampires have. It is very rare to be able to sense the gifts of humans, but on occasion, I do come across gifted humans," he explained.

"Cool," I said in response and he laughed.

"Yes, dear, it is cool," he agreed, still chuckling.

"So what's your verdict?" I asked, both dreading and looking forward to what he had to say.

"You are an enigma, my dear. I sense many things about you but you are primarily a healer. You have…empathic tendencies, but I wouldn't say that you are an empath like Jasper. You also have a strong ability to protect yourself and those you love. I don't know if this is related to the magic that now protects you from fatal harm. I'll be honest with you, Bella. This whole situation is something that I am not familiar with, so much of this is my best guess."

I nodded in understanding and he stopped to study me again with a look of strong concentration on his face before continuing.

"I also feel that perhaps you sense…the sincerity of people." It sounded more like a question than a statement.

"What do you mean?" I asked, curious as to what he meant.

He shook his head slowly, like he was struggling to figure it out himself.

"I'm sorry, I don't' think I can explain it any better. Much of this is impressions that I am getting. I just can't feel anything concrete from you," he said, looking upset.

"Eleazar, thank you so much for trying."

"It was my pleasure dear," he said with a smile.

"Okay, now the serious stuff is done. Rock Band time!" Emmett said, a little over-enthusiastically.

The favorite vampire past time.


	22. Remembering

The Denali family stayed for two weeks. We had a good time with them for the most part and they became like family to me, though a slightly dysfunctional family. Eleazar and Carmen were such warm people. I always felt completely comfortable with them. Kate was a prankster but was very put out when her gift of zapping people didn't work on me, a simple human. Irina was distant. She was still grieving the loss of Laurent, though it had been years now that she knew he was gone from this world. She said that she did not blame me, but according to Jasper, she _did_ blame me, at least a little. Tanya was fairly nice to me the whole time, but made sure I understood I was just a simple human who was in the way. I did my best to ensure she knew that she was a shallow, bitter woman that needed to grow the fuck up. Other than that, we got along just fine.

Eleazar and Carlisle devised a plan to test my 'healing ability' as a human which was a complete disaster. It was a nice idea in theory but nothing worked and eventually they got desperate. They were convinced that since I was able to block my thoughts from Edward as a human and had a 'superhuman healing ability' I should be able to do the whole healing thing too. After a couple days of testing that theory I was past ready to give up. Eleazar and Carlisle on the other hand, were convinced we just needed to try again.

*Flashback*

"_Bella, just relax. Clear your mind of everything. Feel yourself floating." Eleazar's voice was deep, calming and slow. It reminded me of the way a hypnotist talks as they put someone under hypnosis. I concentrated on clearing my mind and finally I could feel myself __let go._

"_That's good Bella. You are doing wonderfully. Now open your eyes," he instructed and I did as I was told. The little collie in front of me was resting quietly, despite being surrounded by vampires. She watched me, but didn't make any kind of movement._

"_Twinkles here used to work in hospitals and nursing homes as a therapy dog, comforting patients and offering companionship, but she was injured in a house fire and now she's void of emotion most of the time," Eleazar explained. He had a bit of a hard time saying the poor dog's name with a straight face._

"_That's awful," I said as I looked at her with pity. She turned her head away from me and lay her head down on her paws._

"_Now Bella, Twinkles needs you. As you pet her, try to surround her in comfort and security," he instructed._

_I stroked her soft fur, doing my best to comfort the poor dog. After a couple minutes, Twinkles gave me an exasperated look and finally got up and went across the room to lie down._

_Eleazar looked frustrated and I…well I was just irritated that he was insisting on testing my 'healing ability' via dog like Emmett suggested while he was reading the newspaper article on Twinkles. I was incredulous when Eleazar and Carlisle both thought it was a good idea. I shook my head at them. This was ridiculous._

_I went back over to Twinkles and started petting her again. _

"_I'm really sorry about them dragging you here, sweetheart. I think __they were playing a joke on both of us. That isn't very nice of them is it?" I said, fully realizing that I was talking to a dog. Not just any dog, but one that was studiously ignoring me. I started idly wondering if there were hidden cameras recording the whole thing._

_Twinkles whined and covered her face with her paws. I made soothing sounds and she stopped whining. Slowly she rolled over and exposed her belly to me. I laughed at her and started rubbing her belly. At least we'd made friends. _

_When her owner came to pick her up an hour later, we assured her that her 'training' went well that day and instructed him to continue what they'd been doing. I had trouble keeping a straight face._

"_Well that was a big fat waste of time," I said cheerfully as I sat down at the small chess table. I couldn't decide if I was feeling irritated or amused. _

"_It was worth a try, Bella," Emmett said, pouting._

"_No problem, Emmett. When I try really, really hard, I can see how you thought it was a good idea. It was worth a try," I said, looking pointedly at Carlisle and Eleazar, who both looked a little sheepish. "Who would have thought these two would think it was a good idea too? Besides, at least it makes a good story."_

"_Hey Bells?"_

"_Yeah, Emmett?"_

"_I was just kidding when I suggested the dog. I didn't think anyone would take it seriously," Emmett said before he started laughing. __After several seconds of watching him incredulously, I joined in too. _

Needless to say, that was the end of it.

After the Denali group left, the Cullens' and I got into a nice routine. Jasper stayed at my house during the week, and I stayed at their house on the weekends. Every time Jasper had to leave to hunt was awful for me. It was so difficult being so far away from him. Even with sleeping pills on hunting nights, I could not stay asleep for more than a couple hours. It felt almost unhealthy that I was so dependent on him, but Carlisle thought that it was more the fact that he was my mate and the other half of my soul. I denied that, because, let's face it, that just sounds cheesy. Deep down, I really did believe him. For some reason that was just hard for me to admit.

I was pulled from my musings by Jasper opening the front door of the cabin. I put the shirt I was holding into the suitcase and zipped it up.

"Honey, I'm home," Jasper called. I went out to greet him properly.

"I missed you, cowboy," I said as I jumped into his waiting arms. I looked into his bright butterscotch eyes and smiled. I knew that the reason for our Christmas trip to Forks was a somber one, but I was still excited to be going on a little vacation with Jasper. I was going to be able to share something of myself with him. I was nervous too, of course.

"How did your final go?" I asked in between kisses. I didn't get an answer beyond a moan, but our mouths and tongues were a little busy.

We didn't even make it to the bedroom. We tore at each other's clothes, literally in Jasper's case, and soon were rubbing and caressing our mate's bare skin. Jasper finally halted his assault on my lips and leaned my body over the back of the couch. His fingers ran down my folds several times, before he thrust two fingers into my depths. I couldn't hold back a deep moan as his fingers filled me. He curled his fingers just slightly hitting just the right spot and I pushed my hips back towards Jasper's hand, trying to get the friction my body so desperately needed.

"Patience darlin'," Jasper whispered in my ear.

"Jazz, I need you," I complained breathlessly. I couldn't take the teasing, but rather than give me what I wanted, what I needed, he pulled his fingers back out.

"Jasper!" I moaned.

"What do you want?" he asked in a husky voice.

"You, Jasper. I want _you_. I _need_ you. I need to feel you inside me," I whimpered.

"As you wish," he said and then thrust into me in one swift stroke. I cried out his name, relieved to feel him moving inside of me again. He pounded into me over and over and I could feel the restraint it took him to not use his full strength. I was looking forward to being unbreakable so he could show me exactly what he could do. The thought made my lust spike and Jasper groaned when he felt it. He reached around and started rolling my clit between his fingers.

"I'm so close," I moaned in a voice that didn't sound like mine.

"Cum for me, darlin'," he commanded and I couldn't help but follow his order and he found his release as well.

Jasper pulled me into his arms as I was trying to catch my breath, and carried me into the bathroom. He sat me down on the countertop and I watched him silently as he turned on the shower, adjusting the knobs until the water was an ideal temperature. When the temperature was satisfactory, Jasper gently took me by the hand and guided me into the stream of water.

We'd been…mated…a couple months now, but it still stuck me every now and then how happy Jasper was. He was relaxed and I could see the happiness shining in his eyes. When he smiled, you could see that he was deeply and truly joyful and it warmed my heart to see.

Jasper poured a small amount of shampoo in his hand and then proceeded to wash my hair. He had magic fingers, massaging and washing my scalp. When my hair was washed and conditioned, I tried to take the bottle to return the favor but his hand stopped my reach.

"Sugar, this is all about you. Let me pamper you," he whispered in my ear. The feeling of his cold breath against my ear sent chills down my spine.

He found my pink loofah and jasmine body wash and he proceeded to wash every inch of me. He was very, very thorough.

"Turn around, my love."

I slowly turned, a little disappointed that I had my back to him but my disappointment didn't last long. With his hands slick with the body wash, he gave me the best shoulder and neck massage I'd even had the pleasure of experiencing. All the tension I'd had from planning and anticipating our trip melted away under Jasper's skillful fingers. He was always very careful of my scars. The marks still sometimes hurt, but he was always so gentle with them.

"Darlin', are you ready?" Jasper asked, wrapping his arms around me.

"I'm ready," I said quietly. Yes, I was packed and ready to go, but I understood what he was really asking. I was ready to say goodbye. I wasn't planning on going back to Forks after this trip. It was time to let go and move on to the next phase of my life.

"I'm glad you're going to be there, Jasper," I said as I toweled off.

"It's my pleasure. I go where you go."

"It's really weird for me, you know…depending on someone else. Leaning on you is…such a relief. I've spent my entire life taking care of everyone around me, even my own parents. I can't tell you how much it means to me that you are there for me, while still allowing me to be my own person. You don't put conditions, limitations or restrictions on your love and affection.

"So much has changed so quickly, Jazz. I can't even imagine you and the Cullen family not being in my life. I wasn't living, I was surviving. Not even surviving. Thank you Jasper. I feel alive again."

Jasper pulled me into his arms and held me tight. The feeling of his bare skin against mine was a comfort and connection that I really needed at that point. He didn't say anything and it wasn't necessary. He let me feel his emotions and those spoke so much louder than words.

***

We arrived in Port Angeles just after sundown. It was strange being back there. We were both mostly silent as we navigated our way through the busy airport Christmas Eve crowd and to the car rental office. Jasper handled the transaction and soon we were on our way in an uncharacteristic non-descript family sedan.

I raised an eyebrow, but he simply replied, "Blending in."

I fidgeted most of the drive but Jasper let me be.

"Do you want help?" Jasper finally asked as we passed the sign welcoming us to Forks.

I hadn't realized how much time had passed and felt bad that I hadn't said a single word since we left the airport. My nerves were starting to get the best of me. I hadn't thought it was a big deal that this would be my last time making my annual trip, but now that I was there, I realized that it was significant to me. Yes, I was ready to let go, but I was afraid of leaving behind my memories. It was strange how I was afraid to remember but also afraid to forget. I was full of contradictions.

I faced Jasper and reached out for his hand. "Please," I said quietly and then sighed as I felt the calm and acceptance that Jasper was sending my way.

"You still wanted to go to the house first?" Jasper asked.

"Actually, would you mind stopping at the grocery store on our way. That way we can just stay in tonight," I suggested as we saw it up ahead.

"Of course. Why don't I drop you off at the grocery and I'll run by the diner to get you something hot for dinner?"

"I would love the chicken salad sandwich and a piece of apple pie," I said with a smile as I opened the car door.

"I'll be back in a couple minutes," he said returning my smile.

I walked around quickly getting just enough to last us the three days we were going to be in town. When I came back out, Jasper was waiting for me and I quickly got in the car. So far, thankfully, I hadn't seen anyone I knew though a couple people recognized me as the Chief's daughter. I had always hated the awkward conversations that the townspeople, especially the older townspeople, felt to be necessary. I knew they were being nice and wanted to give me their condolences, but for someone who's main goal was to remain numb as possible, that made it hard. This time I wasn't, nor was I trying to be numb, but I still didn't want to talk about how great my dad was. I already knew.

As we drove up the long driveway to the Cullen house, I was hit by a lot of emotions, some which surprised me. I felt nostalgia, loss and abandonment on a level I hadn't felt it in years. Their leaving me had definitely left its scars but we'd also had so many good times in that house.

I felt grief, knowing that Edward and Alice were really gone. Seeing the house where I'd spent so much time with them made it more real to me. This was my time to say goodbye and to grieve for my loved ones. I just hadn't realized that this would be my time to grieve the two lost Cullens' as well.

I was surprised how much anger I was feeling as well. I was a very angry person for a long time. I was so angry at them for leaving without saying goodbye, so angry at Edward for leaving me like he did, and I blamed them all for a long time for leaving behind the threat of Victoria and Laurent. I was angry at Edward for taking all my pictures and reminders of their presence in my life. Maybe I still had some 'anger issues' to work through.

"You doing okay there, darlin'?" Jasper asked, with one eyebrow raised. He had the door of the car open but remained in his seat waiting for me.

I took a deep breath and attempted to calm myself. "Could I get some help, Jazz?" I whispered. He put his hand gently on my cheek and then leaned down to kiss me lightly. Again, he filled me with such calm and secure emotions. It was like having my very own vampire Prozac. I told him such and he laughed heartily. That was just what we needed to break the ice.

Jasper grabbed our bags and I got the house unlocked. It was cold out, but I still opened a couple windows to try to air out the place. After I put the few groceries I'd bought in the fridge I was pleased to find Jasper had started a fire in the living room. There were a couple pieces of furniture throughout the house, but for the most part, it had been emptied out.

"I raided what was left of the camping supplies in the garage and found an air mattress for you to sleep on," Jasper said, pleased with his find. I was relieved. Sleeping on a hardwood floor is not on my list of things I want to do while still human.

"Thanks, Jazz," I said as I sat down on the pile of blankets he'd also scrounged up. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me into his lap.

"It's weird being here again, isn't it?" I asked.

"That it is," he agreed. "I have a lot of good memories here, though some not so good memories as well. It makes me feel rather nostalgic because this was the last place Alice and I lived together for a significant length of time."

"I know what you mean. It almost makes me feel...homesick. I don't want to go back in time or anything. For the first time in forever, I like where I am in life, but the memories haunt me sometimes. Going through the what if's. I've never really had close girlfriends, and even though Alice was a little over the top with…everything, I still miss her friendship. Things weren't that simple by any stretch of the imagination, you know, learning about vampires and all that, but I feel like it was a much simpler time in my life." I paused for a second. "How messed up is that? The life of a seventeen year old girl hanging out with vampires was simple," I laughed.

"Now, you're a twenty-three year old woman hanging out with vampires," Jasper says with a smile. "You haven't changed a bit," he teased.

We laughed for a moment and then fell back into a reflective silence.

"I have though, Jazz. I have changed so much and despite everything that happened that forced me to change, I can't say I regret who I am today. I wish a lot of things didn't happen, yeah, but they did. I am starting to like who I am today."

"I love who you are today, Bella. You are probably the strongest person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. You have lived through things that would have destroyed most people. Over and over you've experienced loss, rejection and pain. Yes, you've been hurt by it. Yes, you've been changed by it. Yes, it beat you down for a long time. But Bella, you're strong and you are still here. You still have the capacity for love, you still have the capacity for compassion and you are stronger for those experiences. You are an amazing woman and I am proud to call you my friend, my lover and my mate," Jasper said looking deep into my eyes.

As heartfelt and sincere as his declaration was, I should have been able to control myself, but alas, my body has no constraint. I attacked his lips with all the passion I was capable of and started tearing at his clothes. I had never in my life thought a person would have the ability to make me feel so proud of myself, so worthy, so strong. I needed to show him how much he meant to me and at that time, my mouth was incapable of forming the words to say it. Luckily, my mouth had others ways to express itself.

We lay in front of the fire in an empty house, not needing anything but each other.

***

When I woke up the next morning, Jasper had breakfast fixed for me. I hadn't gotten much so it was just some cut up fruit and a couple pop tarts, but at least he'd been able to find a toaster.

"I was thinking about going by my old house today, or at least where my old house used to be," I said when I finished eating.

"Anything you need, Sugar."

Half an hour later we pulled up in front of the lot where my house used to stand. I got out of the car and walked slowly closer. Jasper followed me, his hand on the small of my back. The big empty lot was overgrown, though the weeds were now covered by a thin layer of snow. When I stopped, Jasper stood behind me and wrapped his strong arms around me.

"The house was demolished two months after the fire. I stood across the street and watched as they knocked it down and slowly removed all the pieces. I remember thinking about how many memories I had, even though I hadn't spent much time living there. They took it down so quickly. So many memories, lives lived, lives changed, and in just a couple days the house was gone.

"I came by almost every day before I finally left Forks. I felt closer to Charlie here. When they cleared the house, they leveled the ground, but it looked like a big hole in the environment. Just dirt where a home used to be. They day I left Forks, I went to the garden center and bought all the wild flower seeds they had in stock and I spread them over the entire area. It doesn't look like much now, but during the summer, it really is beautiful. I haven't seen it in person, but Angela emailed me a picture that summer…before we lost touch."

Jasper simply listened to me talk. His presence there comforted me. We stood in silence for some time before I started telling stories of my time in that house. I recalled as many memories as I could from when I visited Charlie during the summers as a kid. There were a lot of good laughs.

"He always took me fishing and I always complained. I wish I had tried harder to enjoy those times. It meant a lot to him."

"I'm sure it meant a lot to both of you to simply spend time together," Jasper said before kissing the top of my head.

"It did. When I moved back here it was so awkward. I felt like I hardly knew him because I had spent so little time with him, but I knew him better than I thought because I was so much like him. He didn't know what to do with a teenage daughter. We both liked our space and I think that worked out well for us," I said with a small smile, but then my smile fell.

"Jasper, after you guys left, I totally lost it and I really regret how hard that was on Charlie. He didn't know what to do with me. The doctors said I was catatonic that first week. It wasn't like I'd broken up with my boyfriend. It was like he had died. The whole family that I was starting to feel part of, the whole future I had chosen, everything was gone. I felt worthless and abandoned. Of course, the things he said before leaving didn't help at all. I know he didn't have much experience in relationships, but seriously, telling a teenage girl with poor self-esteem that she was a distraction and wasn't good enough is going to make her feel like shit. It doesn't take a genius to figure that out," I said, laughing.

"He definitely didn't know what he was doing when it came to you. The family would try to tell him but he always knew better. We tried to help," Jasper said chuckling.

"He was a seventeen year old boy. Sure he was a hundred year old vampire, but he was stuck as a seventeen year old boy at the same time." I sighed. "Maybe Esme was right and he was changed to young. Not that it matters now. It's all in the past. Hindsight is twenty-twenty as they say."

"That it is, darlin'."

I stood on my tip toes and kissed Jasper lightly on the lips.

"I'm ready to go now. Thank you, Jasper."

"Thank you for sharing all those stories, Bella. It means so much to hear about your childhood. I feel like I experienced it with you. I love you so much," he said quietly before pulling me into a tight hug. He flooded me with a whole slew of positive emotions and the tears started pouring down my face.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry," Jasper said, looking slightly panicked at the sight of tears. The thought of a badass vampire being afraid of a woman crying made me chuckle. He started looking more concerned about my mental health, which made me laugh even harder.


	23. Saying goodbye to Forks

"Want to take a ride around town?" Jasper asked.

"Maybe just a drive by the high school?" I suggested.

"You want to revisit the place it all started?" he asked with a knowing look.

"Yes. It's been so long since I've thought about all of this. Before I move on to the next phase of my life, I want to remember and then put it all behind me. You know, closure and all that shit," I said offhandedly. Jasper chuckled and the sound warmed me.

The school was, of course, all locked up but as the school was made of multiple small classroom buildings, we were able to walk around the campus. I peered in a window of the cafeteria, remembering the first time I saw them. I told my version of those first days, laughing at my instant crush and obsession of Edward and his family. Jasper related his version of events.

"You know, I'm ashamed to admit this now, but Bella…you should know that the day the van almost hit you, I was planning on killing you in your sleep," he explained so quickly that I had a hard time catching all his words. My jaw dropped.

"Jasper!" I said in a shocked voice. He smirked at me, obviously feeling my amusement.

"I'm glad you didn't kill me," I said as I leaned up to kiss him.

"Hmm, me too," he said as he smiled against my lips.

"I love that you are so fiercely protective of your family, my warrior, though I would recommend avoiding murder unless absolutely necessary," I said quietly as I wrapped my arms around him. He chuckled and held me tightly. I felt his warm love surrounding me and sighed contently.

"Let's go. I've definitely moved on from Forks High," I said after a couple minutes.

"Is there anywhere else you would like to go? Newton's maybe? I know you worked there for a while," Jasper suggested.

"Absolutely not," I said as I barked out a laugh.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I am here to remember, but I definitely don't want to sit around reminiscing or thinking about that vile Mike Newton." I shuddered and Jasper let me feel his curiosity.

"You remember how he used to follow me around like a lost dog?" I asked.

Jasper laughed and nodded. He had his arm wrapped around my shoulders as we walked slowly back to the car.

"Evidently stalking was kind of his thing. Sophomore year of college, he started stalking this girl and then one night he slipped some drugs into her drink at a frat party. Her friend found them before he raped her, but he had beaten her pretty good before the drugs had kicked in all the way. He was on the run for a while before they caught him. His apartment had piles of pictures of several girls he was stalking. Just fucking creepy! And to think he used to follow me around. I could have been that girl." I shuddered again and I could feel, rather than hear, a low growl coming from Jasper.

"I always knew that kid was slimy," Jasper finally said. "And where is he now, might I ask?" Jasper was so tightly strung; I was starting to get worried about him.

"He's in jail for stalking, assault, attempted rape and a whole list of miscellaneous charges. When he gets out he'll have to register as a sex offender.

Jasper growled again, this time loud enough to hear. It was a good thing that there weren't any people around.

"What's up, Jasper?" I asked as I stopped walking to take a better look at him. "Why are you so upset about this? I mean, yes it was horrible, and yes, it's creepy that I knew him and he used to have a crush on me, but what's with your reaction?"

"Do you remember how Edward always reacted to him? How much he tried to shield you from him?" Jasper asked and I nodded in response. "Edward said that his thoughts were obsessive and very sexually explicit, even for a teenage boy, and often aggressive or even violent in nature. He seemed like a good kid; overeager maybe, but nice enough. His emotions always bothered me, though. Everything was an infatuation and a conquest to him. His emotions were disturbing. It bothers me that you were a target of his obsession. He may not have acted on it, but it…it could have been you," he growled.

"It wasn't."

"No. When I think of people like that out there, I sometimes regret not feeding on humans. That's horrible, isn't it?" he asked, sounding self-loathing.

"No, Jasper. I've thought a lot about the supernatural creatures that I have known. I have wondered if perhaps vampires were created or evolved, or whatever you believe, in order to eliminate the scum in society. That's what Garret does. He saved me from being raped, he removed that bastard from this earth, and he sustained himself at the same time. With what I've seen in this world so far, I can't find fault in that. I used to have a very clear idea of right and wrong. Murder was wrong. Feeding from humans was wrong," I took a deep breath.

"There are evil people out there though they may not be monsters on the outside. I have found that most times, they do not get what's coming to them. Jail is not a punishment. They don't care. It's not right. I think that if punishment for evil was more fitting, an eye for an eye, a life for a life, perhaps the world would be more balance. But maybe I'm just too cynical for my own good."

Jasper laughed. "Sugar, you are most definitely cynical, but I understand where you are coming from. Feeling the emotions they way I do, I cannot go back to that life. I can understand those who choose to feed that way. Vampire vigilantes."

"Enough of this serious talk. We should get back, Jazz. I'm starving."

"So am I," Jasper said with a twinkle in his eyes.

"Hey Jazz?"

"Yeah?"

"Growl for me," I commanded.

He growled low and ended with a snarl. It was fucking sexy. He just smirked at me.

***

Jasper started going through the things that were left behind in his and Alice's room. He offered to have me join him, but I thought he might really want and/or need privacy. While he was occupied in there, I made my way up to Edward's room. I paused at the door, my hand on the doorknob. I could picture myself coming to the house for the first time. I could feel how nervous I'd been, as though I were literally reliving it.

I took a deep breath and opened the door. The room looked the same as it always had. All the CD's were on their shelves. The black leather couch, the golden carpet. The room seemed a little stale having been abandoned five years before and the shelves were covered with a thin layer of dust, but it was just the same.

I opened his closet and as I walked past a row of his shirts, I brought one up to my nose and inhaled. It still smelled like Edward. I was filled with nostalgia and a small pang in my chest, where a huge hole reserved for Edward used to be. I'd been over Edward for a long time, but I still missed him every now and then. He was my first boyfriend, first love, and my first introduction to the supernatural world hidden around us. He was also my first heartbreak. It took some time to figure out that he'd left me 'for my own good,' but it didn't make it right, and I was still rather bitter about it. I sighed. So many things went wrong.

I left the walk-in closet and went back into his room. I took a look around and was preparing myself to leave when I saw a picture hanging on the wall. I was wondering why I hadn't noticed it before, as it was the only picture on the wall, but it was also an important one.

I walked over and lifted it from its hook. A couple tears fell down my face and I hugged the picture to my chest. I clapped my hand over my mouth trying to hold in my sobs. I knew Jasper could feel my emotions too, but I didn't want him to hear me crying. I didn't want him to think that I still wished Edward was there, because, as horrible as it sounds, I didn't wish that.

I walked over to the massive window overlooking the woods behind the house, picturing in my mind the time Edward climbed one of those trees with me on his back. I sighed. Edward made so many mistakes and he suffered because of it. He died because of it. Alice died because of it.

"You stupid, stupid boy. You always thought you knew best. You always decided for everyone else. You thought you knew me so well but you thought I was weak. You thought I would forget. You thought that you should make the decision for everyone. You didn't value my judgment. You didn't value what was important to me. You made decisions for me based on what _humans_ need, not what I needed or wanted. You forgot that I was my own person. You made so many mistakes and you paid with your life. I hope you have found peace and happiness wherever you are now, Edward."

I walked toward the door and I looked back for just a second before closing the door behind me. "Goodbye Edward."

On my way downstairs, I stopped by the open doorway of Alice and Jasper's old room. Jasper was sitting on the floor with a box of papers at the side that he'd been going through. He had a several handwritten pages in his hand. I felt like he needed me, but I didn't want to intrude, so as a result, I ended up just standing in the doorway. I started feeling numb and it was several minutes before I realized that it was Jasper projecting his emotions.

"Jasper?" I finally moved and sat down on my knees in front of him. His eyes were focused on the papers in his hands.

"Jasper?" I repeated after a minute. Slowly he raised his eyes and fixed his gaze on me.

"It's a letter from Alice. She knew about some of this. She said that she saw a time where she wouldn't be with me anymore and that you would need me. She said that you were going to be very important." He took a deep breath.

"She said that she'd always seen me with you, but it wasn't our time before. She said we've always been destined to be together and that together we will change people's lives."

"She knew," I breathed. I wasn't sure how to feel about that. If she knew about that, did she know about the things that were going to happen to me? I started getting angry before I realized that it didn't matter. She was gone and there was no way to know what exactly she knew.

"I love you Jazz." I took hold of his hand and he relaxed against me.

"What do you have there?" he asked, motioning toward the picture I was still carrying.

I held the picture out for him to see. It was a picture of the six of us at prom. We all looked so happy.

"I had forgotten exactly how he looked - you know, the frailty of the human memory. I loved this picture of all of us. Everyone was so happy."

Jasper looked a little confused. "Did you tear up all his pictures or something when he left?"

I smiled, feeling an echo of the abandonment I had felt back then. "No Jazz. He took all my pictures before he left and my birthday presents. The only thing he didn't take was the stereo in my car that you guys had given me for my birthday." I blushed at the memory.

"I can't believe that he would do that. Making us all leave without saying goodbye, telling you that you weren't good enough for him and taking your only physical reminders of us. It was just cold-hearted. But Bella, why are you embarrassed about the stereo?" Jasper asked, sensing my embarrassment and amusement.

"The stereo I took out myself. I was so angry at him for taking everything else and I figured he just forgotten the stereo. I was so angry," I laughed, thinking back. "I pulled it out with my bare hands. My fingernails were a bloody mess by the time I was done and I had this horrible, ragged hole in my dashboard."

Jasper visibly winced as he pictured it. "You could have used tools."

"Yeah, but that's the sensible thing to do. When have I ever done the sensible thing?" I laughed.

He pulled me closer. "I'm still so sorry that we all hurt you so badly."

I dismissed his apology. "Jasper, it was a long time ago."

"It still causes you pain," he said knowingly.

"I've moved on, but yes, it still hurts to remember. That's why I try to leave the past in the past. I'm here right now to remember and to finally move on. I am trying to say goodbye to those hurts. I'm happy now."

"I'm glad that you're happy now, darlin'."

"I sometimes feel just deliriously happy, but of course, you already know that," I laughed. "You make me happy, Jazz."

Jasper's smile fell just a little. "You should be happy in and of yourself, sweetheart."

I turned to him and then moved so I was straddling him. "I am, Jasper." I closed my eyes and let him feel my happiness and contentment.

"Jasper, I finally feel like I am okay with myself. I have something to look forward to now. I have a purpose. I have a future. I have a mate that I love more than anything else in the world, and makes me feel like am special. I am happy," I concluded with a big smile. I opened my eyes and looked into Jasper's eyes.

He leaned down and captured my lips in a kiss so hot I thought I would melt. We made quick work of our clothes and he quickly entered me. It wasn't slow. We couldn't do slow. It was fast, it was hard and it was passionate. Jasper let go of the control of his gift and our passion and lust consumed us. The world around us disappeared.

***

"Are you alright, sweetheart?" Jasper asked.

I'd been looking at the cemetery with my hand on the car door handle for I wasn't sure how long. I shook myself and opened the door. Jasper was immediately at my side, offering me his hand.

"Such a gentleman," I said and smiled at him. I led him through the rows of tombstones to my parent's graves. I placed a couple red and white Christmas lilies at each of the three graves. I bowed in respect and I could feel Jasper doing the same. I'd already said goodbye to Charlie the day before and it was now time to say goodbye to my mother.

"Tell me more about her," Jasper prompted.

"She was always more of a child than me. I had to take care of her, not the other way around. She would come up with the craziest plans. She was so erratic. I had to pay the bills, to make sure they were paid. I had to cook. I had to talk her out of the crazier fads." I sighed, heavily.

"She was my best friend until Alice. We had a lot of fun, we really did. I did some things with her that I would never have otherwise."

I started telling stories about my mom's antics and by the time I got through several, we were both laughing pretty hard. Finally, I looked back down at my mom's gravestone and my smile fell away.

"I miss you, mom. I hope you are in a better place. I'll love you forever," I said quietly as the tears finally started flowing. I turned to the grave on her other side. "Phil, thank you for trying to protect her. Thank you for loving her and making her happy."

I took a deep breath and tightened my grip on Jasper's hand. He squeezed my hand quickly and led me over to the graves of the wolves.

"This is beautiful, Bella," Jasper said. The graves were along a walking path with a nice stone bench and a life-sized wood carving of a wolf, mid-leap (life-sized for a real wolf, not the huge size of the shape shifting wolves). The wood was now weathered which enhanced the look, I thought.

"I found an artist in Seattle that made wolf carvings and I commissioned this piece. I thought it would be nice for their families. They gave their lives protecting their people. Victoria was after _me_. They were just kids. So young."

I knelt at their graves one by one and placed flowers at each. "These are Blue Bonnets, Jasper. They are also known as Wolf Flower. I thought it was appropriate," I explained. I turned back to the gravestones.

"Guys, thank you so much for protecting me and and your people. You were so brave and died a heroic death. You are not forgotten. I will never forget. For as long as I exist in this life and in my next, I will remember your sacrifice. It will not be in vain."

I was shaken from my thoughts by a loud shout.

"What the fuck are you doing here bloodsucker? Your kind is not welcome here."

I stood up quickly and saw Jake's furious face. He walked toward us, stopping about ten feet away. He was wearing his usual cut-off shorts and I was glad to see he'd brought a t-shirt as well.

"So you got back together with your bloodsucker? You're a fucking supernatural whore Bella. Why am I surprised?"

Jasper growled and I was absolutely furious. "Watch your mouth Jacob Black! Not that it's any of your fucking business, but no, Edward is dead. This is my mate, Jasper."

"So you moved onto his brother?" Jacob seethed. I could see him shaking and I did not want to experience that again. One mauling was enough for me.

"Jacob, control yourself," I warned.

"Neither of you are welcome here," he sneered. "You come here to pay your respects to my brothers who were murdered by a leech and yet you bring another one with you. You disrespect their memory." His shaking was getting worse.

"Jacob Black, calm down! I don't want to you to phase too closely to me again," I said, my voice raised.

"He won't get close," Jasper growled.

"And you're going to stop me, blood sucker?" Jake laughed.

"You touch one fucking hair on her and I will end you, mutt," Jasper said.

"Don't want me to spill her blood? Saving it for yourself?" Jake sneered.

"Both of you, stop it and stop calling each other names. We're not five years old," I yelled, stepping between them. Jasper tried to push me away from Jake, but one look at my face and he stopped. I could see the effort it was taking to restrain himself.

"Maybe you could help the situation a bit?" I suggested.

"I am," he responded and I could see the effort it was taking. "His anger is just so strong."

I turned back to Jake. "Jake, we're leaving now. I was just paying my respects. This is my last time in Forks. We'll be leaving soon."

"So you're going to let him change you? Is that what you really want? You want to be like the woman that killed my brothers?" He stated shaking again.

"Jacob, the Cullens feed from animals as you very well know. I will be doing the same. We are going away from civilization for my change until I can control myself. You will not see me again and I will be no threat to your people." I kept my voice very firm.

"If you do this, the treaty is broken. If you do this, we will kill any and all of you on sight." Jake was looking murderous.

Jasper finally spoke up. "Jacob Black, we understand your warning. We will be leaving town shortly and will not return again. I would like you to understand that a Seer has prophesied Bella becoming a vampire. It is her destiny."

"Her destiny?" Jake scoffed. "Her fucking destiny to be the undead? How fucked up is that? What kind of lies has he been telling you, Bella?"

"I'm the one that told him, Jake. You remember the carnival gypsy?" I reminded him.

"That was bullshit. She was raving," Jake said dismissively before turning his hate-filled expression back to my mate.

"It's not bullshit, Jake," I said. Perhaps he needed a demonstration.

"Jazz, you hunted last night while I was sleeping right?" I asked and he nodded knowingly. He narrowed his eyes at me. "Bella, no. I told you, don't tempt fate." His emotions were pleading with me.

"Jasper, I'm not tempting fate. Maybe it will make him understand. You know first aid if anything goes wrong," I said. Finally, to my surprise actually, he nodded just slightly.

"Jake, do you have a knife on you?" I asked. He usually carried one on him. He pulled one from his back pocket and I walked forward to take it from him. Before he could realize what I was doing and object, I made a quick, deep slice in my wrist, piercing the artery. My blood pulsed from my wrist with each beat of my heart.

Jake quickly ripped his shirt from his body and covered my wrist while blocking me from Jasper.

"I'm fine, mutt. I wouldn't hurt my mate. Can you say the same?" Jasper said, cockily.

I huffed. "Jasper, not helping!"

"Sorry," he said. I knew this was tough, but we'd discussed and agreed to let me handle it if we ran into any of the pack while we were in town.

"Jake, stop. Look at my wrist," I commanded as I pulled his t-shirt away from the wound. Just as I had been depending on, the cut started closing itself up right in front of our eyes.

Jake stood there for several minutes watching the change. I let him have the time, and Jasper continued to send out calm.

"Bella?" he looked up at me, analyzing me. It was like he was seeing me for the first time. "What are you?"

"I'm complicated," I said, and Jake chuckled at my answer.

"Still quoting movies, I see."

"Yeah, I'll stop doing that as soon as I can come up with the witty responses myself," I joked and I sensed Jake relax a little.

"Jake, this is my choice but it has always been my destiny. I've made my choice and I do this without regrets. We'll be leaving town very soon and we won't be back. I don't expect you to like my decision, but I do expect you to respect it. I deserve that." I said calmly but firmly.

Jake tensed up again and I knew I'd lost him again.

"Leave and don't come back." His eyes flashed in disgust as he looked at me one more time before turning away from me. "You are going to be one of them. You are dead to me Bella Swan," he said in a cold voice. He ran toward the woods and phased mid-leap right at the tree line.

"Well, that could have gone better, but it could have been worse," I said as I turned back to Jasper. He wrapped his arm around me and I leaned into his body.

"I don't like that mutt," Jasper muttered.

"Jazz, his name is Jake. I understand you don't like each other and are natural enemies, but he used to be my friend. Please use his name. You have to give respect to get respect, though it seems to be a lost cause."

"I'm sorry Bella. I know he still means something to you." I nodded and watched the ground as we walked back to the car.

"I hate that fact, but yes, he does still mean something to me," I admitted.

"Well, let's go pick up our stuff and we'll get a hotel in Port Angeles tonight," Jasper suggested.

"That sounds great. I'm ready. I want to go home."

&lt;!-- end story --&gt;


	24. Leaving on a jet plane

We had a nice Christmas together as a family after Jasper and I returned from Washington. We all exchanged small gifts, but it had been agreed that each gift had a $100 limit. They all had a ton of money and I actually was pretty well off from my investments (which were doing extremely well after consulting with Carlisle and Jasper on my investment portfolio), but we wanted the holidays to be about family. So many holidays have become so commercialized that the intent of the holiday was lost and we decided that it was time to take that back, at least for our family. The gifts were thoughtful, and most were much less than the $100 limit. Christmas hadn't been a holiday I enjoyed for quite some time, with the memories of the deaths of my parents overshadowing the event. This year, it was just what I needed.

Two weeks later, Jasper and I were ready to head up to our new home in the Canadian Rockies. We were going early to check out the house, since it hadn't been occupied for many years. We would be able to make lists of what needed to be repaired or updated for the others to bring with them.

I had packed up my clothes and the few keepsakes I had. Jasper and Esme helped me winterize my cabin so we could leave it several years without worrying. They also arranged for a house management company to check on both my cabin and their house every three months, or in case of extreme weather, to make sure they were secure and free of damage.

"Bella, are you ready to go?" Jasper asked. I closed the door to my house one last time, locked it tight and turned away from my home. I felt like crying.

He wrapped his arms around me held me tightly. He settled a cloud of contentment over us and I relaxed into the feeling.

"Are you sure you're ready Bella? You know that there isn't a rush. If you want to take more time, you can," he told me, looking deep into my eyes.

"I'm ready. I just…I put so much of myself into that house. It has been my sanctuary for so long." I took a deep breath and found my determination. "I'm ready."

He smiled at me and tipped his cowboy hat at me. I'd insisted on him wearing it. I figured this day would be hard enough on me, at least my cowboy could help distract me. I sent him a burst of lust and he faltered mid-step.

"Be careful. I might just have to take you right here," Jasper warned playfully.

"You like audiences, Jasper? I never knew," I responded nodding toward Emmett who was in the driver's seat of the truck, laughing at us. Jasper joined in the laughing. The whole atmosphere was lighter and I no longer felt sad. I was ready to move onto the next phase in my life.

"It'll be okay Bellsy," Emmett said from the driver's seat as Jasper and I got into the truck.

"I know, Emmett. I'm really okay. I'm about to make a huge change in my life and I'm a little nervous about everything. So much change, you know?"

"I know. I know that you'll miss me a lot, but don't worry, it's only two weeks. I know you'll probably cry a lot, but you've got your vampire Prozac with you so you'll make it."

"I know Emmett, but it's going to be hard to make it through the days. Don't worry though. I'm sure that Jasper will come up with _something_ to keep me occupied." I turned to Jasper. "Actually Jazz, do you think that two weeks is going to be long enough? We may be occupied longer than that."

I turned back to Emmett. "Em, I may just have to miss you an extra two weeks. Maybe longer."

"Bellsy! I don't want to know that shit!" Emmett yelled.

"Neither do I, but I still manage to know more than I wanted to about you and Rose. Seriously, the kitchen counter? I know that you don't eat, but I do…for now."

"See, look on the positive side, in a couple more weeks you won't have to worry about that anymore," Emmett said, but I could tell that if he had the ability to blush, he would be bright red. I had been when I walked in on them the week before and I don't blush nearly as easily as I used to. I also now appreciated that Rose was a very lucky woman, though not as lucky as me. Actually, Emmett was a very lucky man too.

"Darlin', you are getting really good at embarrassing Emmett, and that really takes some skill. I'm so proud of you," he joked as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

"Gotta have a hobby," I responded.

"Okay, enough jokes at my expense," Emmett huffed as we pulled up to the airstrip.

Carlisle had purchased a new plane, as they'd evidently sold their plane since the last time they'd lived there. He'd bought a twin engine Cessna. It was a gorgeous plane and had room for plenty of cargo which we would need once we figured out what the house needed.

It was entirely possible that there would be a lot of work that needed to be done. It was so remote that the house was only accessible (to humans) by air, so there wasn't a property management company that checked on it like all of their other properties had.

Jasper and I were flying directly to the house, and then in two weeks, we would come back and pick them up. They were storing two vehicles and selling the rest, since we were planning on staying up there for several years.

Emmett slowly pulled the truck into the hanger where the plane was. This was my first time seeing the plane in person, and it was amazing. It was a beauty and much bigger up close than I was expecting. The pictures hadn't done it justice. I still couldn't believe that Carlisle was able to just go out and buy an airplane.

I got out of the truck and grabbed my carry-on bag and went to explore inside. The rolling stairs were pushed up next to the plane and the doors were already open, so after taking a quick look back at Jasper and Emmett, who were loading the cargo space with our supplies at vampire speed, I headed on up.

"Holy shit!" I exclaimed as I stepped aboard. Plush leather seats, a big screen TV…just…wow. I was thoroughly impressed. I actually wouldn't be enjoying the luxury, because I planned on sitting in the cockpit with Jasper, but I was still impressed. It was much smaller on the inside than a commercial airplane but it was nice. I put down my bag and went back out to look at the outside of the plane.

The plane had been fitted with a weird ski/wheel combo so it would land on both snow and solid ground. I was again, very impressed.

"You approve? We could always buy a bigger plane if you think we should," Jasper said coming up to me.

"I think we should. It's just a little small," I responded, knowing he could feel how impressed I was.

"I'll let Carlisle know," Emmett joked.

"You do that, Em. I'd love to see his expression when you tell him that," I laughed.

"Well, I guess we'll see you in a couple weeks," he said as he gave me a big, yet gentle hug.

"I'll miss you, Em."

"I'll miss you too, lil' sis."

"What about me?" Jazz scoffed.

"Yeah, I might miss you a little," Emmett joked. He gave Jasper a one armed man hug and then got out of the way so we could take off.

We got ourselves situated in the cockpit and then Jasper radioed the control tower. We were given permission to take off and soon we were in the air.

"We should get you a pilot's uniform, Jazz," I suggested suggestively.

"You'd like that?" he smirked at me.

"Maybe. It's not as good as the whole cowboy thing, but uniforms are still hot," I said.

"I would offer to join the mile high club with you, which I would really, really, really like to do, but I think that Carlisle might dismember me if we had sex in his brand new airplane before he's even had a chance to fly it himself," he said smiling. I burst out laughing.

"That would be pretty funny," I said. He raised his eyebrow at me and then I realized what I said and blushed bright red.

"Well, maybe not the dismembering part," I agreed.

"I'd hope not," he said laughing.

"It would be funny seeing his face though," I said.

"Emmett and Rose made that mistake once in the front seat of Carlisle's Mercedes. He separated them for a month and they were not allowed to touch each other. I was so miserable being bombarded by their emotions so Alice and I ended up leaving for a trip to Europe just to escape. When we got back I paid them back by making them sad or fatigued every time they were in the mood." We were both laughing pretty hard picturing that.

"Poor Emmett," I said.

"Poor Emmett? Try poor Rosalie. She was miserable, like a cat in heat. If she doesn't get her daily dose of Emmett, she is a cranky bitch…more than normal I mean and she's the first to admit it," Jasper snorted.

I laughed loudly. "Well, I can sympathize."

"Lucky for you, you haven't had to go more than a day without your cowboy," Jasper said, waggling his eyebrows.

I leaned over and kissed his lips lightly. "Mmm. I need my daily cowboy. Does a body good," I murmured against his lips. "Are we close yet?"

"We'll be there in about 45 minutes, Sugar. Do you want to take a nap before we get there?" Jasper asked, concerned.

I thought about it for a second and then nodded. "Yes, that would probably be a good idea. We'll have a lot to do when we get there."

I stood up and ran my fingers through his blond hair before heading back to the cabin. I picked one pair of leather seats, lifted the arm rest between the seats and lay down. I could feel a warm blanket of lethargy and comfort cover me and I was asleep in seconds. It was nice being mated to an empath at times like that.

I slept a pleasant, dreamless sleep, and was rudely awaken by a rush of ice cold air inside the plane. I opened my eyes and sat up, looking toward the back of the plane where Jasper was rummaging through the supplies.

"I can't believe that I didn't wake up for the landing. I was wondering what it was like landing with ski's."

Jasper smiled at me from across the cargo area. "If I'd known, I would have woken you. The next time we make the trip, I'll make sure you are awake."

"Are we ready to go inside?" I asked, yawning.

"Actually, you'll need to stay in the plane for another half hour or so. I need to make a path from the plane to the house for you. Once we get inside we'll need to get the electricity and heat working, but we can get a fire going to get some heat for you," Jasper said. I yawned again as I nodded and Jasper left the plane with the snow blower, closing the door behind him. I lay back down on the seats intending to go back to get back to my nap, but I couldn't fall back asleep.

I opened my bag and found the heavy sweater, my thick socks and boots I'd packed. About a minute after I finished bundling up for the cold, Jasper opened the door and let me know he was ready for me. He had made a nice trail from the plane to the house, including a ramp up to the cargo door to make moving the supplies easier. I stopped in the doorway and looked out to see the huge ski lodge style house with the gorgeous snowy mountains in the background.

"Jasper, this is amazing!" I said in complete awe of my surroundings. It was like a postcard, but so much more majestic. I'd lived in the mountains, but these mountains were on a completely different scale. Looking around, I felt so little and insignificant.

"It makes you feel that way too, huh?" Jasper asked with a smile.

"This is amazing, Jasper. I'm so glad that I picked this house. I can't believe how excited I am to live here for the next several years. This is so awesome. I can't wait to see it during the summer," I rambled on as he led me up the trail to the house.

We opened the oversized front door with a little trouble. It seemed that the door had frozen shut. The front door was to the left of the living room. It was a huge open room with a light colored wood paneling on the walls. It was completely different from the other two houses I'd been in. It had a cabin feel to it. Even the furniture, once we'd uncovered it, were obviously built for comfort rather than style, though I was sure they were all top brands. Along the back of room, there was a huge stone fireplace which was accessible both by the living room and the room on the other side of the wall. It would heat the place up just fine. There was even a nice stack of wood already sitting next to the fire place.

"Jasper, I love this place. It's so amazing!" I said. Jasper chuckled at me and I continued my exploration to the kitchen, which was on the other side of the fireplace. It was like a kitchen a professional chef would design. I was almost sad that I wouldn't have need for of it much longer.

"Are you hungry?" Jasper asked.

"Not really. Why don't we start looking around? We could start the fire now and then by the time we need a break from our inventory, the place will be heated up a bit," I suggested. He smiled and looked almost as excited as I felt.

"After a couple years, you should consider studying architecture or something. You enjoy your renovations projects as much as Esme, but she prefers the interior design aspect of it more," Jasper suggested.

"I might do that. I really do enjoy it. It's so much fun to see what your own two hands have built; to take a place that's falling apart and make it beautiful again."

"It was empowering for you," Jasper said wisely as he stacked the logs in the fireplace.

"It was," I said as I watched the kindling start burning. "I had depended on men too many times and been cast aside too many times. I wasn't always like that, you know. Before Edward, before I moved to Forks I was always the one taking care of other people. I always had to watch out for my mom. Even when I moved to Forks, I saw my dad's cooking skills, or lack thereof, and I took over the household chores for him. I think that's one of the reasons that I liked Edward being overprotective of me. It was nice being taken care of for a change.

"I always had self esteem issues I guess. I don't know how it happened or when, but at some point I started depending on men for my self esteem. The controlling behavior…at some point I confused someone taking care of me with someone controlling me. At some point I started giving up my opinion. At some point, my opinion didn't matter anymore, even to me."

"I'm happy with who I am now. I'm happy with my life for the most part." Jasper was smiling and I could feel the love and pride pouring off him. I pulled him close and reached up for a kiss. I moaned as he deepened the kiss and then filled with disappointment when he pulled away.

"Darlin', I would love to tear your clothes off and take you right here, but you would probably appreciate it more if we allow the place to warm up a little bit more. I don't want you to start getting hypothermia in the middle of our lovemaking," Jasper said.

"I don't think I'd mind,' I said as I pouted playfully and Jasper chuckled at me.

"Okay, let's get started with the survey," I said.

Three hours later, the house was warm and I was all sweaty and dirty. We'd found that most of the house was in pretty good shape with the exception of what had previously been Alice and Jasper's room. The window had broken and there was major water damage and animal damage.

Before we came we'd discussed what room we would take. We'd come to the conclusion that we'd take his and Alice's room, but make major changes so that it would be _our_ room. It seemed that we would truly have the opportunity to make it our own since it would have to be gutted and refinished.

We took measurements and started getting the clean up out of the way. I tried to help but honestly, Jasper did most of the work. When we were done, I was exhausted but happy with the progress that had been made.

"How much do you think we can get done before the others arrive?" I asked as we sat in front of the fire where Jasper had spread out a huge picnic dinner for me. Jasper fed me a grape and I blushed.

"I think we'll be able to get most of it done. We'll have to wait to get the window since that will need to be custom built, but we brought enough wood and sheetrock to get the inside done. We'll just have to put up some tarps to cover the window until they get here. We'll be able to give it better soundproofing than it had before as well," Jasper said as he waggled his eyebrows suggestively. I smiled up at him.

"I love seeing you so happy, Jazz."

"Likewise, Bella. You always brighten up my day," he said quietly and I blushed bright red at his statement.

"I will miss your blush, but I can't wait for you to be like me."

"I'll have you know I don't plan on leaving the bedroom for any reason other than to hunt for at least a year," I teased.

"You think you'll be able to keep up with me?" he laughed.

"I know for a fact that you won't be able to keep up with _me_."

He leaned down and kissed me softly. "We'll see," he whispered and I shivered at the thought.

Later that night I finally asked Jasper something I'd been hesitant to bring up. "Jazz, do you want to always live with the others or would you like to live by ourselves sometimes?" I asked.

Jasper was up on top of a two-tiered scaffolding that we'd made with several ladders and some plywood, fixing the wiring of the ceiling lights. He looked down and smirked at me.

"I was wondering when you would ask. We do live apart sometimes. Rose and Emmett did it most often. It's usually just for a year or two. Family is very important to us but our mates are even more important. Do you want to live apart?" he asked.

"Yes," I said a little too quickly and I blushed. "I mean…"

Jasper interrupted me. "Darlin', it's okay for you to want to live separately. I'd like some time with just the two of us, to be honest. We'll most likely be here several years while you get your bloodlust under control, but after that I'd like to take some time alone."

"I'd like that, Jasper." I smiled up at him. He looked thoughtful and suddenly I felt embarrassed, but I knew it wasn't my emotions I was feeling.

"What's up, Jasper?" I asked.

"Would you mind much if we still stay close to the others, like maybe live in the same town, or close by?" He was concentrating on the wiring above him, but I was pretty sure he was avoiding looking at me.

"That would be perfect. I've been without a family so long, Jazz. I don't want to be away from my family now that I've found them again," I said quietly. "I just want more…privacy with my mate than living with a family of vampires allows."

Jasper laughed at me. "You'll get used to it."

"Maybe once I don't eat, the sight of Em and Rose on the kitchen counter won't bother me as much, but I'm still not sure I want to get used to that," I said.

Jasper laughed hard as he collected his tools and descended the first ladder at vampire speed. In minutes, our elaborate scaffolding was taken down. It was hard feeling useful sometimes when doing home repairs with a vampire. At least it wouldn't be long until that would be a non-issue.

"Why were you embarrassed to ask?" I asked quietly after he pulled me into his arms.

He paused for a long time. "You seem to be more in tune with my gift and I forget that when it's just us, I stop trying to rein it in. I don't mean to project, I just don't worry about containing it."

It didn't escape my notice that he hadn't answered my question, but his explanation still warmed my heart.

He paused for a long time before he finally spoke.

"Until you came back into my life, I was a mess. Our family has kept me together. They've kept me from destroying myself. They have given me reason to go on. They've given me love and they've accepted my outbursts and depression. They accepted me when my depression and self-hate were being projected around the house when I wasn't emotionally able to contain it. They've held me and told me I was loved, when I was sure I couldn't go on and when I didn't want to go on.

"I know I'm in a completely different place now, but I've come to need them in a way I didn't before. Before Alice died, I was more at the outskirts of the family. I was there because Alice was there. Now, they are truly my family and I love them in a way I can't even put into words. I don't want to lose that closeness," he concluded. I swelled with love for the man holding me.

"Don't be embarrassed about that Jasper. Family is important and I agree that I don't want to be too far from them either," I said. "Never be embarrassed about that."

"I'm not really. I just didn't want you to think that I'm a pansy, not wanting to leave home," Jasper joked.

I lightly hit his chest. "You're my cowboy, my warrior, and my protector. You're not a pansy," I laughed.

"You know what I mean," he said, laughing with me.

"Ugh, I get so irritated with the male ego sometimes," I said.

"Well let's go enjoy our privacy while we can. I know I need a shower and you look a little dusty," Jasper said as he ruffled my hair. I could see the dust falling from my hair.

I laughed and then sneezed. "Maybe a little dusty," I conceded.

***

We worked incredibly hard to get the house ready for the others. We cleaned and fixed and took stock of what was there. We called the others everyday to add things to the list for them to bring. I was so excited for the rest of the family to arrive. I was proud of how much we'd accomplished and I was missing the others. On the other hand, all that alone time with Jasper was _really_ nice.

I ended up staying behind while Jasper flew back to pick them up. They were going to make two trips because of the furniture needed for our bedroom and a new washer and dryer. While Jasper was gone I started cleaning and I was just finishing up with the last bedroom when I heard the plane land.

I ran to greet them and even though it had been two weeks since I'd seen the others, when the door opened, I ran straight for Jasper. He picked me up and I wrapped my legs around him, kissing him for all I was worth.

"Bells, no hello for us? You just saw Jasper a couple hours ago," Emmett's voice boomed. I reluctantly released my hold on Jasper and went to give Emmett a hug.

"I missed you, Emmett," I said before he squeezed the breath out of me. I gave each of them a hug and Emmett even got a second hug.

"Bella, you did a great job in here!" Esme exclaimed as she walked into her and Carlisle's bedroom. I love the color you chose."

"There was some water damage on the wall from the water coming in from our bedroom. We had to replace one piece of drywall and then we had to paint. I thought you could use a little color," I explained. It was a light periwinkle blue which went very nicely with their new bedding set. Plus, I'd always thought they used a little too much white.

"It's perfect," she said and gave me another hug.

"Darlin', Em, Carlisle and I are going again for the last load. We'll be back in a couple hours. I'll miss you," Jasper said as he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I turned around in his arms and gave him a quick kiss.

"Come home quickly," I murmured.

"Always," he whispered and before I knew it he was gone.

Rose came and wrapped her arms around me. "Don't worry, Bella, they'll be back soon."

I nodded but started sobbing. I wasn't exactly clear why I was so upset this time. I was okay earlier when he left, but then I had other things to get done. It didn't happen too often anymore, but I still had some insecurities. I still had abandonment issues. I just felt better when I was in my mate's arms.

Rose was nice enough to just hold me while I got the tears out of my system. She didn't say a word; she just held me and stroked my hair.

"Thanks Rose," I whispered. "I still have some issues, huh?"

"Don't we all though?" she responded with a far off look in her eye. She shook herself out of it and we continued on to her bedroom to show her what I'd done.

"It's great, Bella. You did a great job around here," Rose said. "It's nice to get to a house that doesn't need much work."

"Oh, there's still a lot to do around here. When they get back with the next load, we'll need to do a bunch of plumbing. We've been using Carlisle and Esme's bathroom because the plumbing is in the best shape, but the other bathrooms will need a lot of work. There is also a lot of wiring that needs to be updating, and we still need to put in the surround sound system," I explained as we made our way to my bedroom.

I let Rosalie go in first and then I followed. Esme joined us a couple minutes later.

"It looks really good, Bella," Esme said, examining the work.

"Jasper did most of the work in here. I can't really compete with the vampire speed and strength yet," I said.

"It won't be long now," she responded with a smile.

"I can't wait," I said.

"Shall we put in the window while the boys are gone?" Rose suggested.

"Of course," Esme said with excitement.

An hour later, the window was in and I was putting in the trim for the window sill. We spent a lot of time laughing together as we got everything finished. It was really nice spending time with just the girls.

"Having fun?" Jasper asked from the doorway.

"Jazz! You're back!" I yelled in surprise. "I didn't hear the plane."

"We just got back a couple minutes ago," he said. "Do you want to sleep in the guest bedroom again tonight? I'll get our bedroom set up while you sleep and then the rest of us were talking about going for a hunting trip. We'll be back mid-day tomorrow."

"That sounds great, Jasper. I should get something to eat and take a long shower before I go to bed. Will you join me while I eat?" I asked. He just smiled at me and took my hand, leading me toward the kitchen. I made a roast beef sandwich and poured myself a glass of wine.

"So where do you go hunting around here?" I asked.

"There is a nice place about fifty miles from here. There always seems to be a lot of wildlife in that area. We have our choice of mountain goats, big horn sheep, elk and moose. During the summer, we'll have a lot of bears to choose from. We occasionally have some of the predators, cougars or mountain lions, but there has been an overabundance of herbivores lately so that's what we'll be focusing on. When you are newborn though, we'll let you at pretty much anything you find. Once you catch a scent, you won't have much choice about it. Your thirst will take over."

I nodded. We'd gone over this a lot. I finished off the last bite of my sandwich and then washed it down with the last of the glass of wine.

"You should get some sleep, Sugar. You can barely keep your eyes open," Jasper laughed, brushing my hair out of my face.

"I still need to take a shower but then I'm planning on going right to bed," I agreed.

"I'll help," Jasper said.

He helped wash my hair and made sure I was clean, but I was so tired that it ended up being a rather uneventful shower. I was a little disappointed, but I didn't have much energy left.

"I'll see you tomorrow, my love," Jasper whispered. I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

When I awoke it was already late morning. After I ate a quick breakfast, I finally was able to put my things away in our bedroom. I was just about done when I heard an airplane landing outside.

"What the hell?" I said to myself. I knew they'd put the plane away in its hanger last night after they unload the last of our things.

I opened the front door and watched as a twin engine black plane pulled up in front. It was not our plane and I had a bad feeling, but I was sure they had already seen me.

When the door to the plane landed, a vampire came toward me. I could see that he was very old by the texture of his skin. He had long black hair and he looked like I was his Christmas present. It was a little creepy.

"You are the famous Isabella Swan," he exclaimed.

"I wouldn't say famous," I said cautiously.

"I am surprised to see you," he said.

"Why are you surprised to see me?" I asked, trying to figure out what kind of situation I was now in.

"Edward and Alice were both under the impression that you were dead," he explained and I could feel the fury building in me. I finally realized why he looked so familiar.

"You must be Aro," I said evenly.

"I am. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance," he said as he held his hand out for me to shake.

"I wish I could say the same," I said, though I took his hand.

"Fascinating," he said, looking eager and greedy. I didn't like that look.

&lt;!-- end story --&gt;


	25. Don't play with your food

I recognized Aro from Carlisle's painting. I remembered Edward telling me about Carlisle's time with them, that first time at their house. I also remembered hearing how callous Aro was described when he called Carlisle to tell him of Edward's and Alice's demise.

I was focusing so hard on Aro; I hadn't realized his entourage had come up behind him. Three body guards. One was huge and reminded me of Emmett; one was tall and much smaller in size than the big one, yet still built. The third was a woman. She didn't look physically imposing, but she kept her hand on Aro's shoulder and had a protective vibe about her. The men seemed relaxed enough, I mean, what kind of threat was I, a mere human and a female at that. The woman on the other hand was on constant alert and had a stern face, all business.

"Well, aren't you going to invite us in?" he asked.

"Will you leave if I say no?" I inquired politely.

Aro laughed as though I was a comedian and I frowned at him.

"No, dear, I don't think I will be leaving either way."

"Then why did you ask?" I stepped back to allow them to pass. It's not like I could hold them back. I was no match for a vampire.

"I was being polite," Aro explained, still looking like an overly excited kid on Christmas morning. Frankly, it was just creepy.

"The polite thing to do would be to leave when you are obviously not welcome," I said.

"Bella, dear, no need to be nasty to us. The Cullens are in obvious violation of our laws. You know what we are and yet they allow you to live. Why do they keep you here with them?" He walked over to the fireplace and his guards and I followed.

"I'm kind of like the family pet and a handy snack all in one," I remarked as I leaned back against the wall. No need to act all scared and skittish around predators.

Again, Aro laughed like it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard. He really did the whole creepy thing well.

"You are a feisty one. Edward's memories did not show me that part of you," Aro commented.

"I'm not the same girl I was back then," I stated.

"It's a shame he is not here to see you now," Aro said and I had to choke down my fury.

"It's a shame that a man in power like you feels the need to be a school yard bully. You know what they say about men like you? Perhaps you're making up for something?" I suggested sweetly, looking pointedly down at his crotch.

Before I knew it I was being held up by my neck against the wall.

"You insolent little child!" he screamed, finally without that childish grin on his face.

I laughed as much as I was able with his hand around my throat. "I'll take that as a yes."

He threw me across the room and I could feel the wall cave in behind me as I landed. I heard a distinct snap as I hit the support beam and a warm pain started spreading down my body from my upper back. It took me a minute to catch my breath and it was heaven when my lungs finally filled with air. I tried to get up but I had no control of my body. On the plus side, there was no blood that I could see or smell.

"Just kill the girl and get it over with. She smells good," the big guard complained looking bored with the whole situation.

"We will wait for the Cullens to return. Perhaps _watching_ their loved one die this time would convince them of the serious nature of their offense."

"Just kill them all," the big one said.

"Felix, watch your mouth," Aro said, his eyes flashing dangerously. Felix immediately put his eyes to the floor and apologized for speaking out of turn.

"Carlisle is an old friend and I will afford him the opportunity to make his case to me this one last time."

He turned back to me. "I hear that you have moved onto another coven member. Alice's former mate?" I didn't bother answering. They had obviously been watching the Cullens. I was a little confused with his questions. Why ask questions if you already know the answer?

"They should have learned the first time. Nothing good can come from interacting with humans. Pretending to be them. It's just not natural. You are our food." As though to emphasize his point he stepped on my wrist and I heard the sickening sound of the bone snapping. I was almost glad that I couldn't actually feel it.

"Alice had visions that you and Jasper would eventually be mated. Did you know that?" Aro asked and I nodded.

"She knew that you would be important but now that I meet you, I can't imagine why, though the fact that I cannot hear your thoughts intrigues me."

"Fuck you," I said calmly.

"I could arrange that," Felix sneered. "I'll show you what a real man is like."

"Felix," Aro warned again. He kneeled down in front of me and pushed my hair out of my face.

"You could come with us. You can be part of the guard. This is an honor I rarely extend to a human," Aro offered.

"No thank you," I said.

"Then you shall die," he said simply before stepping away from me.

We sat there waiting for about ten minutes as they chatted away in Italian. They glared at me when I informed them that it was very rude to speak in a foreign language so they could talk in front of me without my understanding.

I felt an overwhelming fury and a loud snarl from outside the house before the back door was ripped from the hinges. Jasper was in front of me in seconds, crouching over me. It was utter chaos. Emmett and Carlisle almost immediately flanked Jasper, both protecting me and keeping Jasper from attacking. Aro stood back looking amused at the whole situation and his guards had suddenly appeared in front of him, growling in warning.

Carlisle stepped toward Aro with his hands up as a sign of peace. "Aro, can you please explain to me what you are doing, coming into my home and threatening my family? Have you not done enough?" Carlisle asked. I'd never seen Carlisle so angry.

"Carlisle, old friend. Your entire coven should be destroyed for allowing this human to know our secrets and yet allowing her to live."

"She is a member of our _family_," Carlisle emphasized, "and was to be changed in two weeks time. You have humans working for you in Volterra who know who and what you are. I know this for a fact. You come into our home and threaten us? You have already killed my son and daughter yet you come into my home, threaten us again, injure my daughter and then call me _friend_?" Carlisle was fuming.

"Jasper, could you perhaps calm everyone down?" I whispered, touching his hand now that I had control of my arms again.

I could feel his struggle, so to make it easier, I calmed myself, picturing us lying in bed, cuddling after making love. A few moments later I could feel the tension in the whole room evaporating.

"How did you even know we were here? We just got here yesterday." Emmett asked, but looked sheepish after looking at Rosalie's scowl. I was glad he asked though because I'd been wondering the same thing.

"You have been watching us?" Carlisle asked.

"Indeed. This is the second time, old friend that you have broken the law. The second time you have been warned about this particular human, in fact. I am growing weary of you. Do you think that you are above the law?"

"Do you?" Carlisle asked.

Aro laughed heartily. The man was certifiably insane if you asked me.

"Carlisle, if I may?" Aro asked, holding out his hand. Carlisle reluctantly touched Aro's hand with his own.

"Fascinating."

Aro approached me. Jasper growled low, under his breath.

"Jasper, son," Carlisle pleaded.

"You are an enigma, Isabella Swan. You are friends with werewolves and shape shifters as well? And what of this prophecy? I do not see how you will be particularly valuable, unless the shield you have around your mind was able to be developed. I just don't see a 'soul healer' as being all that impressive. It will be interesting to see however. Are you already healing from your injuries?" he asked. I nodded.

"Are you able to stand?" He held out his hand, but I ignored it. I was able to pull myself to my feet on my own though my body was barely able to contain any outward signs of pain. I was screaming on the inside but I was pleased that I was able to keep my facial expressions under control.

"Fascinating. Perhaps witches are more powerful that I thought." He looked thoughtful and then sighed for dramatic effect.

"I apologize for injuring your human," Aro said to Jasper dismissively, pointedly ignoring me. I rolled my eyes and tried to keep the smirk off my face.

I turned to Felix, "Felix, I apologize for antagonizing your boss and suggesting that he has a little penis." His mouth twitched and I could see he was trying not to laugh. Aro just looked irritated and angry. Maybe the creepy-happy thing he had going earlier was better.

"Bells?" Emmett said, chuckling. Both Carlisle and Aro glared at him.

"Carlisle, I will give you one last chance. You will change this human now. Then we will leave you. We will return in several months time to see how she develops," Aro said.

"Now?" Carlisle asked.

"Now," Aro commanded. "Before I change my mind."

Jasper spoke up. "The big one is very thirsty. Have him leave and I will do it."

Aro ignored his request. "Do it now."

Jasper turned to me with sorrow in his eyes. "I'm sorry. It wasn't supposed to be like this," he whispered.

"Maybe it was," I said, smiling. With everything that had happened, who the hell knows what it was supposed to be like? I was probably getting off easy.

I leaned up and kissed him hard and with all the passion I could muster in the current environment. We broke apart when I needed to breath and in the back of my mind I heard the irritable Felix make some off-hand comment.

"I love you, Bella," Jasper whispered.

"I love you, cowboy. Enjoy my tasty blood." He chuckled and then kissed my throat and sucked just a little, making me moan. Then I felt his teeth break the skin and I could feel the venom entering my bloodstream. I could feel the effort it was taking him to restrain himself after taking a couple swallows of my blood, but he was strong. He stopped sucking and concentrated on injecting venom. After Jasper was satisfied with the amount of venom he had put into my veins, he licked the wound, sealing the venom inside. I had been bitten before and knew it was like a torturous fire. I thought I remembered clearly what it had felt like, but my memory didn't do it justice. No, not even close. I clenched my teeth, refusing to cry out in pain in front of Aro.

Jasper picked me up careful, whispering encouragements to me, very softly. Then he bit the inside of my elbows on both arms, forcing in more venom. I did my best to keep track of what was going on around me. I wouldn't let myself go until I knew my family was safe.

"It is done. I think we are done here Aro," Carlisle said.

"I agree that we are done. Carlisle, I must warn you. I will not give you another opportunity to test my patience."

There was a short conversation before I heard the front door close, but I couldn't concentrate on the words anymore. Jasper held me close to his body, continuing to encourage me while I continued to burn.

"I'm sorry I cannot take away your pain, darling, but I'll be with you every second until you wake up," Jasper whispered in my ear. He placed his hand on my cheek and I leaned into the coolness of his flesh, my own flesh feeling like a charred mess.

"You'll be magnificent and we'll be together always. I'm so sorry for the pain, my love, but they're gone now and we're all safe." His words calmed me and I think he knew it. Soon, I just let the pain carry me away.

JPOV

I was completely enraged when I heard the plane and knew that Bella was home alone. I knew I should have stayed with her, but it was going to be one last family hunting trip before her change. We were in the middle of nowhere and we'd only just arrived. It didn't cross my mind that she might be in danger, but wasn't she always in some kind of danger?

We had gone about fifty miles from the house and I was incensed at how long it was taking to return to the house. Normally that distance would not take us long to run, especially at full speed, but the terrain was rough. It would be impassable to humans. Finally we were in sight of the house.

"Jasper, that is Aro's plane. I recognize it. We must be diplomatic. We must! I cannot lose any more of my family. If you do not keep your temper it could mean Bella's life and ours as well," only the desperation of Carlisle's pleas kept me in check.

I ripped the door from the hinges in my haste to get to my mate and immediately I was crouched in front of her. She had been injured. I was still not over what part they had in Alice's death but I tried not to think about that when I had to worry about protecting Bella. They had come into our home and they had attacked my mate. From her position on the floor, I could tell that she was seriously injured and it looked likely that her spine was damaged.

Bella was the only thing that was able to calm me so that I would be able to calm the others. I was pleased when we were able to be diplomatic about the situation. I was also pleased that Carlisle was not being as passive as he usually is in dealing with possible threats.

When Aro apologized to me for harming 'my human', I was angry and irritated, but not as irritated as my mate.

She turned to Felix as a slight to Aro for ignoring her and said, "Felix, I apologize for antagonizing your boss and suggesting that he has a little penis."

My jaw dropped and I subtly helped Aro calm his anger. I couldn't believe that she was antagonizing him. And they had a discussion about his penis size? From the smugness of her emotions she'd gotten the upper hand on that conversation and I could only shake my head in complete bafflement. Only Bella.

"Carlisle, I will give you one last chance. You will change this human now. Then we will leave you. We will return in several months time to see how she develops," Aro said.

"Now?" Carlisle asked.

"Now," Aro commanded. "Before I change my mind."

I knew that we would be okay because we'd just hunted so I felt the emotions of Aro and his guards. "The big one is very thirsty. Have him leave and I will do it."

Aro ignored my request. "Do it now." I wanted to argue the point, but he was allowing us to live and I couldn't push my luck. My luck had been pushed enough.

I turned to Bella and looked down into her beautiful brown eyes, trying to memorize the color and the depth this one last time. The room around us disappeared.

"I'm sorry. It wasn't supposed to be like this," I whispered. It was supposed to be just the two of us. It was supposed to be intimate. It was supposed to be when she was ready and not a second sooner.

"Maybe it was," she said in response and I realized she was right. When had anything for her been easy? Perhaps that was part of the prophecy as well.

We kissed one last time until I had to pull away so Bella could breathe.

"I love you, Bella," I whispered.

"I love you, cowboy. Enjoy my tasty blood." Only Bella could make a joke at a time like that. I tried to make it pleasant for her but when her blood finally flooded my mouth, it was hard to think of anything but the exquisite taste. It was the sweetest blood I'd ever tasted and I didn't want to stop. I did stop though. This was not a snack. This was my mate.

I concentrated on producing extra venom and made sure plenty entered her bloodstream and then I ran my tongue over the wound to seal it inside. Bella tensed as the fire started and I was so angry that my mate would have to feel such pain in order to be like me. I was grateful at the same time that she was willing to feel such pain in order to be like me. A tragic contradiction.

I picked Bella up as her legs started giving up and quickly bit into the brachial artery on each arm, repeating the process of injecting my venom into her veins. I knew she was in pain. We all remembered the pain of transformation above all other human memories. My Bella did not cry out. She did not scream. My mate was a warrior. She was the strongest person I had ever met and I could feel her determination to remain stoic to the pain. My pride for my mate grew if that was even possible.

"It is done. I think we are done here Aro," Carlisle said.

"I agree that we are done. Carlisle, I must warn you. I will not give you another opportunity to test my patience."

"We will return in several months to check on Bella's progress. Right now I cannot see how this would be a wonderful gift for her to have, but I am interested in the potential nonetheless. We'll be in contact," Aro said as they walked to the door.

"Aro, you can always call you know," Carlisle suggested and Aro laughed. _Not likely but a nice idea, Carlisle_.

I could tell that Bella was having a hard time with the pain so I continued to whisper to her how proud I was and how much I loved her.

Finally they left and I heard the plane taking off.

"I'm sorry I cannot take away your pain, darling, but I'll be with you every second until you wake up," I whispered in her ear. I put my hand on her cheek and felt the heat of the transformation. She leaned into my touch and I kept my hand there.

"You'll be magnificent and we'll be together always. I'm so sorry for the pain, my love, but they're gone now and we're all safe."

Her emotions calmed when she heard they were gone and she actually let out her first whimper. It pierced my heart like an arrow and I knew it was only the beginning. Never before had I wished so much that my gift could take away physical pain as well as emotional pain. There would be little I could do to help her through the next several days other than hold her and tell her I love her.

"Jasper, why don't you take her to your room? It might be nice for her to be changed into some lighter clothing as well," Esme suggested. I looked up and saw my pain mirrored on her face. I nodded and went to lay her down. When I went to walk away and removed my hand from her cheek, Bella grabbed my hand to stop me. I put my hands on both cheeks. I'd forgotten how high the body temperature got during the first part of the change. She was easily ten degrees over a normal human temperature already.

"How about this?" Rose asked, breaking me out of my reverie. I glanced over at her, barely able to keep my eyes off Bella for a couple seconds. I nodded absently.

Rose helped me change Bella quickly into a light green silk short and tank top pajama set. It was very light and soft which would be perfect during the transformation. Rose had also brought me a pair of pajama pants, so I pulled off my shirt and changed into the soft pants before sliding into bed next to my mate. I held her lightly and she leaned into my embrace.

Now the only thing we could do was wait.

Her transformation was longer than average by a day and a half. Carlisle was a little worried, though he didn't actually voice his concerns. I wasn't worried about it. I was very…sorrowful that my mate would have to continue to be in pain, but I could see that she was changing steadily as the time went on.

She gained a couple inches in height which I knew she would be pleased with. Her hair was gorgeous, silky and shiny. Her lips were a little poutier which was really sexy. Her figure was a bit curvier and her breasts were just a bit larger which I was also sure she would be happy with. The mauling scars down her back were still visible but at least better than they had been. Carlisle had told us of the possibility that they would remain after the change, though she didn't really care much about that. She hadn't wanted us to see those scars at first, but she wasn't actually self-conscious of them like I would have thought. I was still glad that they were less noticeable. I looked over her again and smiled. She would be happy with her change. She was impossibly beautiful to me before the change and now it was just heart-stopping.

I snickered at my pun and Emmett raised his eyebrows at me, but I just shook my head.

The family had taken turns sitting with us. We all talked to Bella. We encouraged her, sympathized with her and told her to keep going over her memories. That was something that we'd talked a lot about. She was afraid to remember a lot of things, understandably, but she said she was even more afraid of forgetting, even the bad things. So we told her to remember and we told her stories of our memories of her.

She did an amazing job of containing her signs of pain, though we kept telling her to scream if she needed to. She never got louder than a whimper or a soft moan.

Finally we could sense that the change was almost over. Her heart was beating four times a normal rate and the rhythm was becoming erratic. As the final surge went through the heart, her back arched off the bed. Finally we heard it beat its last and then there was silence.


	26. A rude awakening

JPOV

We were standing back from the bed where Bella lay, assuming non-threatening positions, though both Emmett, Carlisle and I were in front of Rosalie and Esme for their protection. Looking back later, that probably wasn't the best idea that we'd ever had, considering that we were men. Emmett is one of the largest and strongest vampires I've ever met, and I am covered in scars. That alone screams danger, especially to a newborn acting on new, overwhelming instincts. I should have known better.

We had no idea how Bella would take to immortality, considering the fact that she knew what she was getting into and had prepared herself for this, something the rest of us had not had the luxury of having. Plus we had no idea how her gift was going to develop. Regardless of our warnings and our knowing our own experiences, we somehow believed deep down that Bella would be different. She was different than an average newborn, but the first day…well it was one hell of a ride.

As her heart beat its last, we all stopped breathing in anticipation. She lay there for several minutes, adjusting to the absence of pain and the wonders of her new senses. Her emotions were cycling so fast it was hard to keep track of them: wonder, fear, anticipation, anxiety, curiosity, anger…the list went on. The silence continued and in my peripheral vision I could see the others exchanging glances, but I could not take my eyes off of my mate.

She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and my body ached to have her in my arms. She finally opened her startling red eyes and for a moment, all I could feel from her was wonder, before confusion and fear started building back up.

"Darlin'? I know it's rather confusing for you. How are you feeling, Sugar?"

With speed of a newborn, she was across the room, back against the bedroom wall. She crouched down and was tensed to strike. Her eyes darted back and forth between us quickly. She let out a deep, low, warning growl. The others stepped back, heeding her warning.

I held my hands up to show that I was not threatening and started to approach her.

"Stay back!" she screamed. "Why am I here? What have you done to me?" The terror, pain and despair were obvious in her voice. However, once she heard her own voice, she seemed startled, and wondrous, and overall, her emotions became less volatile.

It was a couple seconds before her words caught up with me. It was common for human memories to be fuzzy and to eventually fade. Alice had no memory at all of her human life, feeling lucky to even know her name, though that may have been because of the conditions of the asylum she had been living in. We'd discussed the possibilities of losing memories to Bella, but now that it appeared she did not remember us…my heart felt like it was going to crumble into pieces. She was my world. She brought me back to life. She was my everything and I needed her and the idea that she would not remember me was unbearable.

"What's happening?" she cried, and I felt sure that my unbeating heart had been stolen from my chest.

Carlisle put his hand on my shoulder and walked forward carefully. "Bella, sweetheart, I know that it is confusing. We are your family. We mean you no harm. You have just completed a change, Bella. You are now a vampire."

As he finished talking several things happened at once. I was not thinking. I stepped toward her, wanting only to hold her. Bella focused in on me, her eyes wide as she took in my extensive scars. Then as Carlisle's words hit her, her eyes got even bigger and looked at him like he had lost his mind. Her eyes went back to me and I could feel her absolute raw terror seconds before she attacked.

She was so fast I barely saw her move. She flipped me onto my back and was on top of me before I knew it. I went to restrain her which of course scared her. Carlisle came up on her side to try to help but she hit him hard in the chest throwing him to the side, though not hard enough to injure him. With me being the bigger threat in her eye, she focused her efforts on me. She bit savagely into my neck and acting on instinct myself, I threw her across the room. I went immediately to restrain her, Carlisle close on my heels. Before either of us could get to her, she was out the door, straight through the sliding glass doors. The pieces of glass flew everywhere and we all looked at each other in horror.

"Well, that went to shit," Emmett said, looking stunned. Esme didn't even correct his language. She simply nodded in agreement.

I held my neck and could feel it healing. It hurt like a bitch, but it was nothing new to me. I collected myself and tried to think of this from a strategic standpoint. There was a reason that we moved to a very remote location. We were in the middle of nowhere and hundreds of miles from humans. She was also headed north, away from civilization.

"I think that a couple of us should follow at a distance. Give her room. We don't want to make her feel threatened. Nobody moves at her until I give the word. Hopefully she will stumble across something to hunt. That should help make her more reasonable. I don't want to use force unless it's our only option," I instructed and everyone nodded.

"Jasper, let me look at your neck before we go after her," Carlisle requested. I took my hand off the wound and he poked and prodded for a second.

"There's not much you can do about it," I said. He nodded.

"It's healing well," he said.

"Let's get going," I said and they followed me out of the house.

Her trail was easy to follow. I loved her new vampire scent. It was floral, sweet and spicy at the same time. Intoxicating. We found her quickly. She was on her second mountain goat, covered in blood. I held up a hand and the others fell back, staying in the trees a good distance away. She tensed when she felt me encroaching on her space. Again, I held my hands up to show I wasn't threatening her. She growled low in her throat but continued to drink from the animal's neck. When she got all the blood she could from him, she dropped him to the ground. She regarded me carefully, again, scanning my scars. It hurt more than anyone could know for my mate to look at me as a threat.

"What's happening to me?" she asked in a little voice.

"Darlin', you're a vampire now. We live on the blood of animals," I said slowly.

She nodded. "I thought you were insane, to be honest. I smelled these animals as I was running and I…I couldn't stop. I drank their blood." Her expression was heartbreaking.

"It's okay sweetheart. It's instinctual. You need blood to live now," I explained quietly. I was trying to send her calm and reassurance, but it was hard to influence her. Since we had mated, I hadn't been having trouble feeling or influencing her emotions. Now that she was partially blocked from me, I realized how much I liked being able to feel her. It was disconcerting to be distanced from my mate in that way.

"Can I come sit down next to you?" I asked.

She regarded me carefully. "Please don't hurt me," she said in that same small voice. It was heart wrenching.

"Never," I said with conviction and I could see her relax a bit.

I slowly approached her and sat down on the ground next to her. She watched me intently as I approached and then tensed for a moment when I sat down, but then seemed to settle down.

"May I hold you, darling?" I asked. "You look like you could use a hug."

She nodded and I slowly and carefully wrapped my arms around her. After a couple minutes she finally melted into my embrace, truly allowing herself the comfort and then she started sobbing. I whispered reassurances to her and I stroked her hair softly. Eventually she settled down but I continued to hold her.

"Jasper, I don't like this," she said quietly after about an hour.

I was pleased because she knew who I was. I leaned back from her so I could see her.

"Do you remember now?" I asked.

She nodded. "I feel kind of like I'm waking up or something; on the edge of sleep trying to figure out what's real and what's part of the dream. You know what I mean?" she asked.

"It's confusing isn't it? We've all been there, sweetheart."

"I don't like it," she stated firmly and I chuckled.

"None of us did, Sugar, but it's normal."

Suddenly she gasped and I tensed up. "Jasper! I attacked you!" She was completely horrified. She pushed me over, still underestimating her strength and she pulled down the collar of my shirt.

She broke down sobbing as she saw the fresh bite. She really had gotten me pretty good. I sat up and wrapped my arms around her again. She was whispering her apologies over and over.

"Bella, it's okay. You were acting on instinct and I wasn't careful enough. You are not to blame. It was instinct," I told her as I went back to stroking her hair. It was quite some time before she quieted again.

"Did you enjoy my blood?" she asked and I could feel her amusement.

"It was very tasty, Bella. You had very sweet blood," I laughed. I let a couple minutes pass and was pleased that her mood had lightened.

"Do you feel up to seeing the others now? They've been waiting impatiently," I said with a smile.

"I'm so embarrassed about how I acted," she said, horrified with herself once again.

"We've all been there, honey. It's completely normal and they all understand," I told her patiently. Finally she consented and we went back to meet them. I figured it would be better for her if we went to them, rather than them coming to us.

Everyone was very quiet when they greeted us. She gave everyone apologies which we all insisted weren't necessary. She wearily gave everyone soft hugs. Emmett especially was very careful to remain submissive and physically passive around her, considering that she remained rather jumpy.

All in all, it was turning out well. A rough start to be sure, but it could have been worse. I'd experienced worse. That night, we were all spending time as a family relaxing in the living room when the next bit of excitement started.

"Bella? Will you help me and Esme in the bedroom? We need another woman's advice on color," Rose said poking her head out of her and Emmett's bedroom.

Bella felt a little suspicious of their motivations but she still went to help. Rose and Esme were evidently having trouble finding a color combination that they liked well enough. I heard them going through the different color swatches and so on so I tried to tune them out.

"She seems to be doing much better," Emmett said very quietly.

"I think she's adjusting well. Since her memories caught up with her, I think she's feeling more secure. She's doing a good job of dealing with her instincts but I can still feel her warring with herself," I said. I took another emotional inventory of Bella in the other room and was pleased to know she was feeling very secure and content. She still had an underlying instinctual anxiety but she was able to mostly put that to the back of her mind.

"It's to be expected. It's very confusing especially with her not being able to remember anything when she first woke up," Carlisle said.

"I agree. It will take some time to get used to it. It's hard seeing my mate like that. I can handle newborns and I've experienced newborns completely out of control, but she's my mate! Half of me wants to hold her and tell her it will be alright and the other half of me thinks of her as a danger, because that is what I am trained for. Plus, she's blocking her emotions again. Most of the day so far I've been able to feel them, but I can't influence them. It's a little disconcerting," I admitted.

Suddenly I felt my mate's emotions explode. I ran to the room and stopped in the doorway in shock. The emotions in the room brought me to my knees. It was crippling. Rose was standing completely still near Bella, feeling shock and peace for some reason. Esme was also frozen in shock, her eyes darting back and forth between Rose and Bella. She was radiating confusion and it seemed she was trying to figure out what happened.

Bella was…well, she was a mess. She was huddled in a corner, rocking herself back and forth. She was screaming. It was a scream of grief and despair. Carlisle walked slowly over to her and as he did, her emotions spiked and I cried out from the pain of it. Despair, humiliation, self-loathing, unloved, shame…the list went on and on and I could barely stand it. I wanted to curl up into a little ball and disappear and as I looked at my mate, I realized that's exactly what Bella was doing. Carlisle had thankfully stopped approaching her and after a moment, she seemed to be over the worst of it.

"Rose, baby, what happened?" Emmett asked as he wrapped his arms around her. She burst out sobbing.

"I think it was my fault. I think I hurt her somehow," she said in a whisper.

The only negative emotion Rose was feeling was guilt, and even that was a small blip on her emotional high. She was just so light and happy and I was too confused to make any sense of it.

I turned my attention back to Bella. She was feral, like a cornered animal and I was devastated to see my mate so scared for the second time in one day. Carlisle decided to try to approach again and as he approached, Bella's cries turned to whimpers as she tried to move away.

"Carlisle, man you need to move back," Emmett said quietly. I looked at him and he just looked sad. He was feeling sympathetic and understanding. He seemed to be the only one with complete awareness of what was going on.

"Esme, could you very slowly approach her and sit down next to her? Do not touch her," he instructed.

Esme did as he said and a couple minutes later she was sitting next to Bella, saying the kinds of soothing things that mom's always say. After a couple minutes, Bella leaned over and Esme wrapped her arms around her. Bella was sobbing and all our hearts were aching watching the scene play out in front of us.

After twenty minutes, without saying a word, Bella went out the window and ran into the night. She stopped while she was just barely still in sight. She looked up at the night sky and screamed in pain. She screamed and cried and then after a couple more minutes, she finally stopped and dropped to her knees.

I was finally relieved of the emotional onslaught and I ran to my mate. I hesitated before actually approaching her, not wanting to set her off again, but she looked up at me and held out her arms. I sat down next to her and picked her up to sit in my lap.

The sun was rising by the time Bella finally spoke.

"Jazz, I think I figured out how my gift works. I'm supposed to have this great, wonderful gift but if you ask me, it sucks big time. I don't like it at all," she said.

"I didn't like mine at first either, Sugar. Will you tell me what happened?" I asked.

"I was talking to Rose and Esme and Rose was looking so sad. Her…aura was so dark and sad. I asked her what she was thinking about and she said that she was thinking about the circumstances of her change, and her first days as a vampire. I could feel and see her pain. It was stifling, her aura, like this blackness covering her like a blanket. I hugged her and I remember I was just thinking that I wished I could take her pain away. Then…" she shuddered at the memory.

"I felt like the blanket of blackness was covering me as well and suddenly I was surrounded by it. I was so scared. Garrett saved me from a similar experience as Rose, and I have never been so grateful to have escaped that. I know what it feels like now…to be violated like that. It was awful. I can't imagine Rose's strength at having to live with that burden for so long, to feel so violated, so humiliated, so exposed." She shook her head sadly. "She is a strong woman. I am so proud to call her my sister."

"I'm sorry you had to experience that. Do you feel better now?" I asked. That had to be difficult to deal with. Talk about an awful 'gift'.

"I just had to figure out how to get rid of the darkness," she said she turned and looked deep in my eyes. "Jazz, if this is my gift, is this how I will feel every time I heal someone? I don't think I can do that. I don't have the strength," she looked crushed.

"I would do this for Rose; I would do this for you. I would do this for the people I love, but I just can't do this for other people around me. I'm simply not strong enough. I can't do it, Jazz!" she started sobbing and I held her tight.

"Darlin'?"

"Yeah?" she responded.

"Would you like to know how Rose felt after you helped her?" I asked.

She paused, thinking about it. Before she could decide, I decided for her. I flooded her with the sense of peace and love that Rose had felt. Bella looked up at me in wonder and I chuckled.

"Bella, Rose has been in pain from the moment she woke up to this life. It took her a very long time to get over what happened to her and to be truthful, that experience is something that a lot of women never get completely over. Even when Rose is happy, there is still the anger and hurt in the background. Even when she is happy she is sad. Do you realize what you have done for her? I just wish that you didn't have to hurt to make that happen," I explained.

"Then I'm glad to have taken her pain," Bella finally said.


	27. The trials and tribulations of the newborn vampire

BPOV

The months following my change were challenging to say the least. Everyone told me that I was not exactly the typical newborn but I still had the mood swings typical of a newborn. I felt so irrational sometimes and I just couldn't seem to level myself. I would get so angry sometimes. There were even times that I didn't have a clue what I was mad about…which also made me angry. It was a hundred times worse than PMS, every second of every day for a long time.

Hunting proved to be a trying time if anyone got too close to me. I was very territorial and attacked the others on more than one occasion. One of those times, I attacked Jasper, but it turned into a much more pleasant experience. I claimed my mate and then he claimed me. It was completely primal. We were able to secure an overabundance of firewood with the trees that managed to get in our way that day.

_I was latched onto the neck of a bear, the warm blood soothing the burn of my thirst. I felt a predator approaching and I growled low to frighten him away. Just as I exhausted the supply of blood, I saw the threat a hundred feet away. He was going to steal my kill!_

_I sprinted to him with the speed of a newborn vampire and pounced on him. I growled low as a warning and he didn't fight back. I ran my nose down his neck, about to bite down, when I realized that this was the smell of my mate. His eyes were pitch black and I could feel his lust. He leaned his head up and licked a trail of blood that had dripped down my chin. I purred and then attacked his mouth with my own. I just couldn't get enough of his taste. _

_My mate put his hands up on me and I reacted instinctively. I growled and restrained his hands above his head with one hand. I tore his clothes from him with my other and then I grabbed his hard length and pumped him a couple times with my hand. Then I tore my own pants off and sank down, impaling myself on his thick erection. I growled at the sensation of him filling me._

_When I was getting close to my climax, I closed me eyes and my mate used my distraction to take control of the situation. He flipped us over so that he was on top and he pounded into me until I screamed with my release. Then he flipped me over, entering me from behind. His hands were gripping my hips roughly, keeping me from moving as he pounded into me and very quickly I exploded in pleasure again. His release was not far behind my own and as he roared at his completion, he loosed his hold on me. _

_When he had finished, I wiggled out of his grip and jumped to my feet. The overwhelming need for my mate consumed me. He jumped up and stalked toward me like only a fierce predator can. I felt the thrill of the game and my instincts screamed at me to run. _

_He caught me quickly and pushed me back up against a thick tree trunk. He claimed my mouth, our tongues fighting for dominance as I wrapped my legs around his waist. He thrust into me with one smooth stroke and we both moaned with the pleasure of it. He pulled his head back and we looked into each others eyes, reveling in the intimacy of our mating dance. He lowered his head to my breast as he continued to thrust into me. I tangled my fingers in his wavy blond hair, encouraging his actions. I could hear the creaking of the tree behind me as I was coming close to the edge once again. I tugged sharply on my mate's hair, eliciting a deep growl from him and I pulled his mouth back to mine. We reached completion at the exact same moment and we both threw our heads back as we screamed in ecstasy. _

_We were both panting, trying to catch our breath, which was ironic considering neither of us needed to breathe at all. I wrapped my body around his, curling into his side and Jasper put his arms around me. It was a while before I really noticed our surroundings and took in the fact that we were cuddling in a pile of snow, right next to a tree that evidently couldn't take the strength of our mating._

_When we finally got up, we were surrounded by fallen trees. I was confused._

"_Jazz, when did that happen?" I asked._

"_Honestly, I don't remember," he said as he chuckled. He pulled me close and I wrapped my arms around his muscular body._

We ended up claiming each other a couple more times before we went back to the house, though it was less primal. We had to return to the house in the nude, but at least we were able to enter our room without having to go through the main part of the house. Rose got an eyeful, but she was kind enough to keep the others occupied so they did not see us.

Rose and I had become very close. Rose was exceptionally sorry for causing me so much pain, but she was so happy as well. Rose truly felt at peace with her life for the first time since she was human and I was happy that I could provide that for her. Seeing the peace in her eyes was touching.

Emmett took me aside a couple days later when the others were out for a hunt. I'd been trying to figure out why Jazz was going hunting, but wanted me to stay behind, and I think that he knew Emmett wanted to talk. Emmett sat me down and told me how much it meant to him that I healed his wife. He actually broke down as he spoke to me. I liked the soft side of Emmett. He was such a caring man with an incredibly large heart. He was the best big brother a girl could ask for.

"_Bella, even though we were mates, it was years before she would let me touch her intimately. Even once we were intimate, there were times she would freak out. I did my best to be understanding, because I do understand…or at least I understand as well as a man can understand that kind of thing. I did everything in my power to make her feel loved and secure, but there were times that it wasn't enough. It's been a really long time since she's had a full blown panic attack, but every now and then…" he trailed off. I looked at my brother in a whole new light. His eyes were red and watery and I knew if he was able to cry, he would be._

"_Bella, you have no idea what you've done for her, what you've done for us. She's like a new woman. I've never seen her so happy, so completely free. Bella, you've made my wife whole and I will owe you for the rest of my existence," he said. He spoke with such emotion, I was getting choked up myself. _

_I gave him a big hug and he gave me one of his famous bear hugs. We held each other for a long time and I could feel his body shaking from the sobs. Finally, he pulled back, giving me an awkward smile._

"_Sorry about that, Bells," he said, looking sheepish._

"_It's no problem, Emmett. You've been there for me. I'm here for you too. You needed to get that out," I said._

"_Yeah," he agreed. _

_We didn't say anything more about it. He challenged me to a game of Grand Theft Auto and that's what we did until the others returned home._

Once I figured out what exactly I had done to heal Rose I avoided doing it again. I avoided my family if they were feeling their darkness, as I started referring to it. Seriously, the emotional turmoil of the newborn vampire was entirely understated. I knew that I could barely handle my own emotions and the thought of absorbing someone else's pain brought on an almost crippling panic. Carlisle, Jasper and I agreed that we would wait for a while before testing it out again and we had asked Eleazar to come for a visit so he could be there as well.

Part of my healing ability was an empath-like ability. Eleazar had been correct in his description of it back when I was human. I wasn't an empath like Jasper, but when I was concentrating on someone's aura, I could feel their emotions. I couldn't change them, but I could feel them. When Jasper and I were together, our empathic abilities seemed to complement each other. We both could feel the emotions better, but we could also block them better. It was like my gift allowed Jasper more control of us, and his gift gave me more range of mine.

There were a couple of times that our empathic connection allowed Jasper to keep me from accidentally taking someone's darkness. He realized what was happening before I did and saved me from having to experience my gift like I had that first day with Rose. I knew I needed to practice this gift and get used to it before something accidentally happened again. It was not a pleasant experience and honestly made me terrified of the whole thing. However, it was part of me and I needed to deal with that. I was not one to back down.

"Bella, darlin'? What're you thinking about?" Jasper asked as he came back into the bedroom. My head snapped up at the sound of his voice and I think my jaw may have dropped at the sight of him. He had a navy blue towel wrapped low around his waist. Little droplets of water clung to his chest and I licked my lips.

I hopped up from the bed and was in front of him at my new vampire speed. I took one long lick of his chest, reveling in the taste of my mate's skin.

"I was just thinking about testing out my healing skills. It's been five months," I said before I started sucking on his nipple.

"Are you ready?" Jasper asked, his voice rough.

"I'm always ready, cowboy," I purred.

He pushed me back hard and I went flying backward, landing at the center of the bed. He leaped toward me, landing on all fours over me. My instincts started kicking in and I flipped him over and sank down on his length. We fought for dominance and finally I let him win, because really, when he wins, we both win.

When our needs were both sated, I curled up against Jasper's side. I loved the feel of his strong arms holding me tight. He rubbed my back and I purred.

"Who are you going to try to heal, sugar?" he asked.

"I want to heal _you_, cowboy," I said softly. "Before, when I healed Rose, it caused you so much pain. I will do my best to keep that to myself and I thought that when I'm practicing doing just that, you being filled with peace would be helpful. I don't know how that's going to work exactly, but I want to do it," I explained. It seemed to me that doing it this way would lead Jasper to the least amount of pain. I was pretty good at keeping Jasper from feeling my emotions, though neither of us liked when I did that. I decided that if I blocked my emotions at the same time as healing Jasper and filling him with peace, it would cause him less pain.

"I don't like it. I don't like the thought of you in any kind of pain," Jasper said softly.

"I know you don't, but I can help you and there is nothing more in this world than I want to do than take away your pain from your past. I need to practice. I don't want it to accidentally happen like it did with Rose. I think I know how to prevent it, but if I don't use this skill, how am I going to avoid a possible incident again in the future?"

"I don't want you to be in pain," he reiterated.

"I know."

I lay in his arms for quite some time, both of us lost in our thoughts. Eventually we got dressed and joined the family. They were looking quite sated as well. Jasper and I were probably projecting again. The family rarely minded when that happened though. It was a good thing that there were no single people around us though.

"I wasn't trying to listen in earlier, _really_, but I heard you mention that you were ready to test out your gift again. I hope I haven't been presumptuous, but I took the liberty of calling Eleazar. Carmen and the others will be coming as well," Carlisle said when we sat down.

"That's fine, Carlisle," I said. "I hope we weren't being too loud."

Emmett snickered at me. "You've gotten a lot quieter actually, Bella. You are a bit of a screamer."

I laughed with him. I was a bit embarrassed, but in a house of vampires, there is no privacy. I never thought I'd be so used to it, but it really didn't bother me anymore.

"Bella, the other thing I wanted to talk to you about is acclimatizing you for interacting with humans. While we are planning on staying here for several more years, you will probably want to go shopping once in a while or do something that will require you to be in the presence of humans. The rest of us may need to acclimatize ourselves again as well since we are away from humans so long. Would you be interested in that?" Carlisle asked.

"Yeah, I think I would like that. I feel so much more in control of my emotions now, so the physical part of getting used to the scent of human blood would probably be a good idea," I said.

I was excited but scared of that idea. I wanted to be able to have good control, but I knew it would be extremely difficult. I had heard all about the whole acclimatization that the others had gone through, starting with Jasper, and I knew it was no walk in the park. It would be worth it though. Both Jasper and I were running low on clothes since Jasper and I were a little less than careful at times. Okay, so we ripped the clothes off each other in the heat of passion…a lot.

We spent the rest of that evening talking and going over the things that the others would be shopping for when they went to Denali to pick up Eleazar and his family. I loved my family.

***

It was a month before Eleazar and the others arrived. Rose went with to pick them up and went shopping with the girls. I basically ended up with a whole new wardrobe. Okay, so maybe it was enough for two wardrobes, but when I got the impulse to rip the clothes off my mate, I wanted to rip the clothes off of him. I didn't want to have to stop and think about how many shirts he has left.

It was nice having the extended family there. Garrett had arrived with their family as well to our surprise. In his travels he stumbled across Kate while she was out hunting. One thing led to another and the rest, as they say, is history. They made a very cute couple. They both had a certain zest for life. Garret looked at Kate like she hung the moon and I was thoroughly pleased to see him so happy. He was such a good man and he deserved that kind of happiness.

Finally, the day after they arrived, it was time to test out my new skills. Carlisle and Eleazar were going to be right there with Jasper and me and the others would be there, but hang back. We went outside so that if I did freak out again, I wouldn't break anything. I had broken a lot of things in that house, and though they said it was normal for a newborn, I still felt really bad about that.

The summer in the Canadian Rockies is something that everyone should see. The tall mountains around us were still covered with snow. It was only the end of June, so more of that snow would likely melt, but some of that would probably stay through summer because they were at such a high altitude. It was very beautiful and majestic and I felt very lucky that I was able to live in such a place.

"Okay Bella. Whenever you are ready to start let me know," Jasper said.

I looked at him, Carlisle and Eleazar to make sure they were ready. I didn't want to freak out again so they were my lifelines. I nodded and started looking at Jasper. When I woke to my new life, along with everything looking different, I could see people's aura's, or at least that's what I figured it was. It was like a light in the center of the person, radiating out. When they were in a dark place in their minds, the place where their pain resided, it was like a dark blanket, smothering the light.

Even avoiding my family when they were experiencing darkness, I could still feel it. I could feel the light as well, but the darkness always got my attention. It would sometimes feel like I was drowning or smothering and I would have to leave the room and sometimes the house. It still wasn't the same as that time with Rose. With Rose, it felt like I had actively absorbed the darkness so I avoided that.

This would be the first time I was actually trying to manipulate it. I looked at Jazz and he sent me a wave of his love. I smiled at him. His aura was bright. I nodded at him and he got a look of concentration on his face. We'd discussed it, and he was supposed to be thinking about his time with Maria. His times 'disposing' of the newborns, specifically. I watched as darkness covered him and I could feel his pain, regret, anger and despair.

I kept my eyes on Jasper's as I pulled the darkness toward me. I couldn't have put into words _how_ I did it. As I drew the darkness away from Jasper, I started getting that smothering feeling. Jasper started pulling it back as he felt my panic, but I quickly, with everything I had, pulled that darkness toward myself and then I collapsed with the weight of the pain and despair.

I cried out and Jasper tried to get to me, but Carlisle kept him back. That was also part of the plan. I screamed at the top of my lungs feeling like the world was over, like it wasn't even worth it to go on. I hated myself and I hated the world around me. I was drowning in guilt and I welcomed the pain, as it was like a penance for my sins.

I was starting to lose myself to it, but I could hear my entire family yelling at me, reminding me why I was there, and reminding me that I was loved. I clung tightly to that and as I screamed, I forced the darkness out of me. I could physically feel it leaving me, and rather quickly it was over.

I was completely overwhelmed and sobbing with the stress of it. I cried out over and over, struggling to find myself again. I had forced the darkness away, but I could still feel the side effects, or at least that's how I was picturing it. I was confused.

Jasper picked me up and rocked me while I cried until I got it all out. He lightly traced the circles under my eyes with his fingertip.

"Sugar, your eyes are so dark," he said. I could hear the concern in his voice, but he was blocking me from his emotions.

I couldn't say anything. I couldn't seem to even make myself move. I looked back up at him, pleading with him with my eyes.

"I'll go get something for her," I heard Rosalie say.

I lost track of time while she was gone, but I could smell the animal as she and Emmett brought it to me. My throat was on fire and I wanted to leap at the animal, but I didn't have the strength. Emmett broke the neck of the mountain lion and held it up to my face. Using every bit of strength I had left, I bit into the neck. I could feel my strength returning with each pull of the warm blood and I could sense my family's relief that I was returning to myself. When I had drained every last drop, I thanked Emmett and Rose.

"No problem baby sister," Emmett said sincerely.

"Are you feeling better, Bella?" Jasper asked. I could feel his shame and guilt.

"I'm much better, cowboy," I said, nuzzling my face against his neck. "Jazz, don't feel guilty. I wanted to do this for you. I would do it again in a heartbeat. It was my choice."

"I'm sorry I caused you so much pain, my love. I'm so sorry."

I pulled back and looked him in the face. "Jasper, I do not regret a thing, nor should you. Do you feel peace?" I asked.

"I do. It's almost overwhelming how peaceful I feel, if that makes any sense and that makes me feel guilty," he admitted. He wouldn't look me in the eye.

"Jasper! I told you, I would do it again in a heartbeat. Don't belittle the gift I gave you, by feeling bad that you feel good." I sat back and thought about that sentence again. "That didn't make much sense, huh?"

Everyone laughed, including Jasper, and the tense moment passed.

"Do you need to hunt more, Sugar?" Jasper asked.

"I'll go later. I'm fine for now," I said. I just wanted the comfort of my family.


	28. Warnings

"Bella, tell me how it feels to you," Jasper said as he shampooed my hair. I loved the feeling of his long fingers massaging my scalp. It had been several hours since I'd healed Jasper and I was feeling better about it. The aftershocks of using my 'healing' gift were not as staggering this time as the first time with Rose.

"You know that all the time I can see what I assume is a person's aura. I just, I can see and feel their _being_. The thing that makes you, _you_. When I start to focus in to heal, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I have to reach out and touch the other person, and not just physically. I start to feel like I need to touch the person's soul, as weird as that sounds. It happens a lot more than you probably realize, Jasper. That's how I was able to avoid it for so long. I can feel when my body and mind start to gravitate toward the pain, the darkness, and I go the other way. I want to help people, I really do, but it hurts. It makes me feel like my body and mind are breaking. It makes my very being feel like it's being torn apart."

Jasper stopped his ministrations and turned me to face him. "Why would you let me do that to you?" he asked. He looked as though he just couldn't figure me out.

"Wouldn't you do the same for me?" I asked.

"Yes, but…" he started, but I gently put my fingers against his lips to silence him.

"I would do anything for you, Jasper. You are my other half and I would do anything for you. I know that you would do the same for me."

There was nothing in this world that filled me with more joy than realizing that truth.

"This time, Jasper, I think I've figured it out. I think I know how to keep from taking all that pain. I know that I'll have to practice and I know it won't be easy, but I will do it for my family," I said.

"But…" he said, his words muffled with my hand still covering his mouth.

"My family is worth it and if I can figure this out, it will be worth it," I stated.

I looked deep in Jasper's eyes and I could see him searching my face for something. Finally he seemed to find what he was looking for and acquiesced.

"What are you going to do?" he asked.

"Well, this time, I felt like I could take the darkness and push it off both of us, but in the end it covered me. I think with some practice, it might go better," I explained.

"Okay. I will be there at your side," he said. I melted into his embrace.

"I know you will," I said. I couldn't have asked for more.

He pulled away from me again and started working some conditioner into my hair. "Bella, can you see or feel your own darkness?" he asked after several moments of silence.

I leaned my head back under the spray of the water and stayed quiet for a moment to gather my thoughts.

"I know that it doesn't quite work this way for us now because of the sharp vampire senses, but do you remember the feeling from when you were human when you think you see something out of the corner of your eye, but nothing is there?" I asked.

"Not really, but I do understand what you mean," he said slowly, nodding his head.

"Well it's kind of like that. I can feel that the darkness is there. I can almost see it, but not quite. I can't really feel it…or I guess I can since it is my own pain, my own darkness, so in that way, yes, I can feel it just like I can feel all my other emotions. It's not the same as I see and feel it from others," I tried to explain.

"Do you think that you could try to get rid of your own darkness?" he asked.

"It doesn't work like that," I said sadly. "With others, it is like the darkness is something that covers them. With myself, it is like the darkness is part of me. I can't see the distinction between my darkness and the rest of me."

"You deserve peace too, you know," Jasper said quietly as he turned off the water.

"I'll get there," I said and I had no doubt about that. "I'm already getting there, Jasper. Now tell me, how does it feel?"

His face lit up when I asked him that, and my heart soared. "It's amazing, darlin'. It's like a huge weight has been pulled off my shoulders. The world is brighter. Everything feels fresher. I can think back to my time with Maria, and I still feel bad for the things I did, but it isn't oppressive guilt like it was before. I feel like I've finally forgiven myself…like I've finally moved on. There have been a couple times that I've nearly started laughing for absolutely no reason other than the fact that I just feel so fucking good," he said.

Then he did just what he said and started laughing. I wrapped my arms around him and laughed with him. It felt so good. I would do it all again, for him if I had to. I would do it every day for the rest of my existence, if it made him feel like he does at that moment. He was worth it.

When Jasper and I were done with our long and satisfying shower, he and Emmett started in on some video games. I had been watching them play for about twenty minutes before Garret asked me to go for our first hunt together. I'd missed my friend and I hadn't much of a chance to talk to him yet. I'd never seen him often, but he was a friend to me when I really needed one. He was a friend when I was at my lowest and had no one that cared. He cared.

We didn't do much talking until after the hunt. We'd each gotten a black bear. They don't normally congregate in such large groups, but there were six of them hanging out by a stream fishing. It kind of reminded me of my dad fishing with his buddies.

"It's nice to see that you've changed your dietary habits, although your previous diet never particularly bothered me," I said as I kneeled by the stream to wash off the blood. I was still a messy eater.

"That is incredibly strange you know. Normal humans don't tell the vampire that it's okay that he kills other humans," he said, laughing.

"First of all, I was never a normal human. Second, normal humans don't live long enough to tell the vampire anything, because normal humans that know the secret are generally killed," I said.

"True. It's always astounded me how easily you accepted me," he said.

"You always hunted the scum of society, and you weren't cruel about it, even when your victims were extraordinarily cruel to their own victims. You saved me from being raped, and you got a good meal out of it. I just can't find it in me to find the harm in that," I said. He just shook his head.

"So _you_ would have no problem drinking from humans?" Garrett asked.

"I didn't say that," I said. "I don't want to do that myself, but I can't blame others for hunting our natural prey, as long as they do it responsibly. Does that make me a bad person?" I asked.

"No, sweetheart, that doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a realist," Garrett said as he gave me a hug.

"So how has the switch in diet worked for you?" I asked.

"It's not so bad. It's not nearly as satisfying of course, but it's important to Kate, and that's what matters to me."

"So you and Jasper finally got together," Garrett teased me.

"You saw it coming, didn't you," I said with a smile.

He looked at me with a bit of a smirk. "Of course, Bella dear. I'm glad that you both found how good you are together. You are both so compatible. You complement each other well. You support each other. You understand each other," he said, before getting serious.

"Bella, you are so good for him. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see him so happy. And the changes in you…Bella, there was a time that I was truly scared for you. I knew from the moment I met you that you were important. You have really gotten a rough lot in life and you need happiness. If anyone deserves happiness it's you. You've earned it. The light in your eyes when you look at your mate…you warm my heart. I am so happy for you two," he said, giving me a hug and a quick kiss on the forehead.

"So…you and Kate, huh?" I asked as we started running back toward the house. He laughed loudly.

"Yes, I have finally found my mate," he said, radiating pure joy.

"I'm happy for you, Garrett. You've spent too long alone. You deserve happiness too," I said.

"It is a very strange thing to have a home now. I have traveled for so long, never staying in one place for very long. I have to say that I like this lifestyle," he said, still smiling. "I wasn't sure that I would like being anchored in one place, but it is nice to have the stability."

"I'm sure Kate helps keep you occupied so you don't get bored," I teased.

"Oh, yes. She certainly does," he laughed. "We have talked about traveling the world together, but for now we belong with our family. It's strange to say that," he said thoughtfully.

"I would imagine. Actually, I don't have to imagine. I feel the same way. There are days that I look around at my family and I still can't believe where my life has taken me. In such a short amount of time, I went from being completely and utterly alone, to having a mate and a family. It seems like another life," I said, feeling thoughtful.

"I agree," he said.

"It really is nice seeing you happy, Garrett. You and Kate are a good match," I said sincerely.

"Thank you, Bella."

"Shall we see what trouble they've gotten into in our absence?" I asked as we neared the house. We could hear playful shouting coming from inside.

"What's going on in here?" Garrett asked when we got inside.

I left him in the living room and went back to my bedroom to clean up. I still wasn't nearly as neat at hunting as the rest of my family. Jasper was lying on the bed reading a book and looking positively delicious when I came in.

"Did you have a nice hunt?" he asked, looking up at me.

"Yes. It was really nice talking to Garrett. I've missed him," I said as I got undressed. One more shirt in the trash. Blood stains are a bitch to get out.

"He'll probably be around more now that he and Kate have mated," he said with a smile.

He looked me up and down and put his book down on the bed next to him.

"I know we showered a couple hours ago, but I got messy and I may need some help in there," I said with a wink as I walked into the bathroom.

***

The following morning, Eleazar called a family meeting. I knew that something had been bothering him. He just wasn't being himself and I could feel his anxiety. Jasper didn't say anything to me about it, but he kept giving Eleazar weird glances. He had also kept leaving the house and making phone calls. He was very careful to not let us overhear his phone conversations.

"Carlisle, I feel like I must warn you about some things that I have heard," Eleazar said. We all quieted as he spoke. His voice was heavy with the gravity of the situation.

"What is it, Eleazar?"

"There are rumors. I still have friends in Italy as you know. I have heard it from others as well."

"Spit it out, old friend," Carlisle said.

"They are just rumors, but I have heard that Aro is feeling threatened by your family. He is getting paranoid and is suspecting you of planning a takeover," Eleazar explained.

"That's ridiculous," Rose burst out.

"I agree, but Aro has grown paranoid. He is drunk with power and he perceives your family as a threat to that power," Eleazar said.

"I was aware that he feels threatened by us, but I wasn't aware he thought we were actually planning a takeover. Have you heard of him planning any action?" Carlisle asked.

"Rumor has it that he is thinking about it, yes," Eleazar said, his voice heavy with the implications. We all looked at each other realizing what that could mean for us. Aro would be coming for us.

We'd all been wondering why he hadn't yet come to check on us. When he'd left us after I'd started the change, he had told us he would check on us in a couple months. It had already been over five months and we'd yet to hear from any of the Volturi. We continued to look around the room at our loved ones, wondering what this would mean for us.

Eleazar continued, "Rumor has it that my family could be considered a threat if he takes action against your family. They know that we are close, and he fears that we would band together to overthrow them."

Our attention snapped back to him.

"So you see what this means as well. Aro is going beyond what is acceptable. He has gone too far," Eleazar said strongly. I think we all knew what we would be facing. It was daunting. This fight now was being brought to us; a fight for the right to live in peace.

"We need to prepare," Jasper said. I could see in his eyes that he was strategizing already. I tried to keep my mind on the issue at hand and not how hot he was when he was the Major.

"Jasper, I think you are right. I don't want to fight, but it seems as though the fight is coming to us. We need to be ready for it. I think Aro has outgrown his usefulness," Carlisle said gravely

Despite his abhorrence to violence, Carlisle was ready for action. I looked around the room at the people I loved and saw determination. Together we would defend our lives and those of our loved ones.


	29. The Training

"Again!" I yelled picking myself back up again. I did my best to ignore the others sparring in twos in the background and focused on Emmett. I crouched down preparing myself for the attack and Emmett started circling me again. He was really enjoying himself. He should be, after beating me thirty-six times in a row. He pounced at me in another direct attack and I got ready to fall back so I could use his momentum to throw him away from me when we fell. Reality, of course, had other plans.

I rolled backward, landing on my back when he hit me, like I'd planned, but I had misjudged which side he was going to attack me on. Instead of throwing him off of me, my arms and legs couldn't get any purchase so I ended up flailing against him as he put his teeth to my throat. I could feel the happiness and smugness radiating off of him as he won once again.

Finally, once his dominance was clearly confirmed by holding me there for several minutes without letting me up, he finally relented. I jumped to my feet and started circling him once again. I could feel my newborn instincts taking control and I snarled loudly as I got ready to attack. It was a deep, feral sound, surprising even me. The others watching us started backing up. Someone was talking but I wasn't listening anymore. The large man put his hands up in front of him as a sign of surrender, but I wasn't going to let him get away from me. I stalked toward him, narrowing my eyes at him and snarled again. He was looking nervous. _He should be nervous._

I felt my body trying to calm down, but I couldn't feel calm! I was in the middle of a fight! I brushed of this ridiculous calm and I continued to stalk toward this behemoth of a man. I was just about to leap at him, going in for the kill, when I felt someone come up on me quickly. I crouched down to prepare for this attack on the side and finally this time I was successful in my endeavor. As he came to collide with me, I launched him up and over me. He crashed into a tree, breaking it in half. The others continued to back up from me so I kept my attention on the one that had just attacked me. He was covered in scars. He was obviously an experience fighter. He'd been bitten so many times and was still alive to tell the tale. That alone meant that he was dangerous. The panic in me grew before suddenly and inexplicably, I was exhausted, lethargic even. I shook it off. It wasn't the time to be tired. My life was being threatened!

He got up quickly, shaking off the wood splinters and started crouching down defensively. I did the same and snarled once again. He slowly stood up and I growled deep in my chest. Suddenly I was filled with so much lust; I almost climaxed right then and there. I moaned loudly and he smirked at me. It wasn't until that moment that I realized that this was my mate. He was my mate. He was not the danger. He was my mate and he would protect me from the dangers around us.

I could feel myself purring and before I knew it my mate was in front of me. He stroked my cheek softly before crashing his lips to mine. There was nothing soft or tender about it. I wrapped my body around him and my hands explored his body almost frantically, needing to feel his every inch of him, while he carried me away from the others, into the woods.

When he finally stopped, he pushed me up against a tree for leverage. I reached between us and ripped his jeans from his body to free his throbbing erection. He stopped me immediately and took both of my hands in one of his and held them above my head. I struggled briefly with my instincts at being restrained but he thrust into me in one smooth stroke and I screamed out in the pleasure of it. We fought for dominance, but time and time again, I was dominated. I was fine with that as long as he gave me what I wanted. I needed to be claimed. It was rough, it was primal and it was one of the most exquisite moments of my life.

It was hours later that we finally got back to the house after a quick hunt. Once again, I was grateful our room had its own entrance as none of our clothes had survived our...our extracurricular activities. We didn't say a word as we showered and got dressed. Finally I couldn't take the quiet any longer.

"I lost control again," I cried. If I could have cried tears, I would have been.

"It's perfectly normal, darlin'," he said quietly. He sat down on the edge of the bed next to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I leaned into his embrace and let his peacefulness wash over me.

"You were getting tired and frustrated and I know that you were getting thirsty as well. On top of that, you're still a young vampire. Everyone has a breaking point and you hit yours. There is no shame in that," he said, stroking my face.

I looked up at his face and felt humbled at the amount of love that showed in his eyes. He kissed my lips gently and my eyes fluttered closed.

"Darlin', I am so proud of you. You have done so well with your training so far. It's only been a week. Will you please let me be the one to train you?" he asked.

I sighed and finally nodded, trying not to be annoyed by the look of happiness on his face from my concession. This had lead to more than one arguments between Jasper and I; really, our first real arguments since we had mated. He couldn't see my point and though I could see his, I was afraid.

"I know you don't understand it, Jazz, but I just don't like the idea of fighting you. I'm afraid of losing myself to my instincts like I did today. I don't want to attack my mate. I know I can't beat you, but I'm afraid of losing control and hurting you," I said, refusing to look at him. I felt insecure and ashamed.

Jasper took my chin in his hand and made me look into his eyes before speaking. "Sugar, don't you think I know these things? The fact is, is that I am very good at training fighters, particularly newborns. I will help you if you'll let me. I don't want you to ever get hurt and if we are going to be fighting the Volturi, we need to be ready. We have no idea when they will decide to come. We need to get ready and I can only do that if you let me train you. I need you to trust me," he pleaded.

"I do trust you, Jazz. I trust you as much as I can. I just…you _know_ I have trust issues. Can't you see that this is difficult for me?" I cried. I got up from the bed and started pacing.

"I can't do this, Jasper. I can't lose any of you. I can't fight these monsters off. I'm too weak. I knew everything was too good to be true. I shouldn't expect anything in life to be easy. I just want to stop hurting!" I screamed. I broke down and fell to my knees and immediately I was wrapped in Jasper's arms.

"You're putting too much pressure on yourself, Bella. This isn't all resting on your shoulders. We are a team and we will stand together and we will win. We will fight for our freedom and for our lives and we will win," Jasper said forcefully.

His voice softened when he spoke again. "Bella, my love, we will all do everything in our power to keep these bullies from dictating our lives. You just have to trust us and trust yourself. The fight hasn't even begun. You can't give up yet. You can't give up before it's even started," he stated. I started feeling more in control of myself and I willed myself to calm down.

"You are one of the strongest people I have ever met. You have been torn down time and time again, and yet you continue to pull yourself back up every time. You have endured more than any one person should ever have to endure, but you keep going on. You will not allow this to defeat you. You are stronger than that. You are better than that. Together we will fight. Together we will defeat them," Jasper finished looking fierce.

I nodded and worked on getting the feeling of strength and defiance in me. Jasper could, of course, feel what I was trying to do and sent me extra confidence, security, and faith.

"Trust me, my love," he said quietly. I filled with love, looking at his pleading eyes and I kissed him softly on the lips.

"With my life."

We cuddled for a little while, just sitting there on the floor in the middle of our bedroom. It didn't matter as long as we were in each others arms. I'd needed that, the intimacy. I needed to re-center myself.

The following day's training went well. The others watched us. We did slow-motion attacks that were actually pretty funny. We all had to keep reminding ourselves that this was serious, but occasionally someone would randomly burst out laughing.

Jasper stood behind me and as one of the others would come at me in slow motion to attack me, Jasper would talk me through it. He'd tell me where to watch and how to react. Then we slowly sped it up.

"Okay, you see, Emmett generally attacks head on. His biggest strength is his, well, his strength. His attack and defense is less refined and less complicated because he depends so heavily on his brute strength. You may see the same thing from other vampires with the same dependence on strength," Jasper explained as Emmett came at me in Matrix-like slow-mo.

"Now you are so much smaller than Emmett and you are quicker. The best defense for you is going to be avoidance of his attack. At the last second, you move out of his way, and with his momentum, he'll be caught off balance. Then you can attack and get the upper hand. Emmett, go ahead," Jasper said and he backed away from us.

Emmett came at me much faster now, but still slower than normal speed. At the last second I darted out of his way and then leapt onto his back, putting my teeth to his throat.

"Good job, Bella!" Jasper said with a big smile on his face.

"Let's do it again now, faster," I said. Jasper filled me with a little extra confidence and we started again.

After beating him twice in a row at a reasonable speed, I was feeling pretty good.

"Okay, Bells, we're going to try something more offensive now," Jasper said. He came back over to Emmett and me and started talking me through the difference in approach and mindset when attacking rather than defending.

"You are going to continue to use your speed and your size in your attack. You are small and you are quick. A newborn's biggest mistake is only taking the most obvious attack. It's predictable and easy for your opponent to defend against," Jasper explained and I had to remind myself that the middle of training was not an appropriate time to jump the Major.

He smirked at my lustful emotions and then turned back to Emmett. "Now, Emmett, when we start here, I just want you to stay still. I'm going to walk her through the attacks several times before we start actually sparring."

Emmett nodded in response and kept still as Jasper came up along side of me.

"Now, Bella, we're going to run at Emmett, but at the last second, you're going to veer to the side," Jasper explained.

"Like a game of chicken?" I asked as I focused on running though the attack in my mind.

"Yes," he answered.

"Let's do it," I said. Jasper ran beside me and pulled me to the side at the last second, dodging the direct line to Emmett and then when I was behind him, he helped position me as I pounced on Emmett's back in slow motion.

"Now, when you are doing this for real, Emmett will be attacking and defending himself at the same time, so when you dodge at the last second, you will need to watch for his attacks as well. Once you are behind him, go for his neck."

"Okay. Let's do it faster," I said, feeling comfortable with it.

Emmett remained in place as I ran though my attack several times. I practiced dodging to both sides and each time Jasper had comments and suggestion for my technique and approach. Eventually, Emmett joined in rather than standing like a statue, and we slowly built up speed as both Emmett and I improved. It became fun to spar with my brother and as it became more of a game to me, the more comfortable I became with the whole idea of training.

When we were done for the day we all split up for some relaxation time. Kate and Garrett were having private time, and the sisters were out hunting, but there were a bunch of us lounging around in the living room with the fire going.

"I've been contacting some of my friends from various parts of the world, Carlisle. I've been fishing for information as well as informing them of our plight. I have found some that are fed up with the Volturi and may be willing to stand by our side, so don't be too surprised if friends show up here," Eleazar said with a serious face.

"I hadn't realized that you were making those calls, Eleazar. I've been doing the same actually. I have found some allies willing to come here as well. We need to find people willing to stand up against Aro and his whims. Many have been thinking that the brothers have gone too far for too long, but I have found that many do not want to be the ones to deal with it," Carlisle said with an ironic smile at the end.

Jasper spoke up then. "I've only contacted Peter and Charlotte and they are arriving soon as well."

I turned in his arms and looked at him. "I didn't know that you'd talked to them," I said excitedly. I'd been hearing all about them for so long. I was extremely excited to finally meet his friends.

"I talked to them this morning while you and Emmett were sparring and I got distracted before I could tell you," Jasper said and I couldn't help the feeling of shame with how my day had started. I still hated that I almost lost control with Emmett. Well, I did lose control for a while. At least Jazz was able to redirect my base instincts in a very satisfying way.

"Don't feel bad, Sweetheart. You have strong newborn instincts and you should never feel ashamed about that. It just takes time," Jasper soothed. "Pete and Char said that they are very excited to meet you. They should be here in a couple days."

"That's great, Jasper. It's been too long since we've seen them," Carlisle said. I could feel that Jasper was pleased with that. Peter was like a brother to him and I knew it meant a lot to Jasper that his family love them as well.

The others spent several minutes going over strategy for talking to others, while I looked around at who was there and examined their auras. I decided it was time to start my plan for my other training.

"Would two of you be willing to go through some pain for the sake of progress?" I asked everyone when there was a lull in the conversation. They looked at me a little suspiciously, but everyone eventually nodded.

"What do you want to do, little one?" Carmen asked. I looked carefully at Carmen and then let my eyes roam around the room at everyone, stopping at Emmett.

"Carmen and Emmett, I think you two would be the perfect ones for this. Would you be willing? I don't want to pressure you because it probably won't be comfortable for either of you, but would you be willing to at least try something?" I asked.

They looked at each other and then nodded. I could see their confidence and determination and I looked over at Jasper suspiciously.

He laughed at me. "I'm not influencing them, don't worry."

"We trust you and we are both willing to take one for the team, right Emmett?" Carmen asked. I knew the competitive part of Emmett would be eating that up.

"Of course. I can take whatever you throw at me, Bells," Emmett said, puffing out his chest a little.

"Okay, you go first then, Emmett," I said.

I turned to Jasper first. "Keep an eye on Emmett's emotions and make sure he's not in too much pain, okay?" I instructed and Jasper nodded. When I turned back to Emmett, he was looking a little nervous but he wasn't backing away.

"Emmett, I'm going to try to keep a good amount of control on this, but I'm sorry in advance, 'cause it's probably going to hurt, okay?" I said. If possible, he went a little pale, but he just nodded and I could see the determination in his eyes.

"Where would you like us?" Carmen asked and I instructed the others to move the furniture to the outer edges of the room. Carmen and Emmett sat down next to each other and I sat across from them. I closed my eyes to prepare myself mentally. It reminded me of my yoga when I was human and I felt a little pang of nostalgia. I missed it.

"Okay, Carmen, try to think of a time in your life with a lot of sadness. It doesn't have to be devastating, but something sad," I instructed.

"I am," she responded.

I opened my eyes and concentrated on the aura of her soul in front of me. I could see the darkness surrounding her, covering her aura like a very thin blanket. Very carefully, I concentrated on taking that darkness away from her aura. I could feel it pulling toward me and away from her. Very slowly, I brought it toward myself and for the first time I could feel and see my control over it like a physical object. I could control the strength and the speed of the darkness.

As I felt and saw this happening in front of me, invisible to the others, I tried to manipulate the darkness. This hadn't been my goal, but I was starting to get a much better feel for my gift and what it really did. I could spread the darkness very thin or I could make it concentrated. After figuring this out, I spread it very thin, like it had been covering Carmen, and slowly, without taking it into myself, I pushed the darkness away and toward Emmett. It took a tremendous amount of concentration to keep the darkness from absorbing into myself, as well as control the speed of the movement. I could feel his sadness as the darkness started to surround him. The pain, despair and loneliness filled him and made my heart ache knowing I was causing this.

I let it settle down on him and finally I was able to leave it with Emmett. I finally relaxed and took a deep breath, with my eyes closed. I was broken out of my exhausted quiet when Emmett started crying. My eyes shot open and Carmen had her arms around Emmett as he dry sobbed into her arms. It was disconcerting to see Emmett breaking down like he was.

I took another deep breath and concentrated again. It was getting harder for me, but I couldn't just leave him like that. I found the darkness covering Emmett's aura and took it back toward me again very slowly with as much control as I had. I was starting to physically shake from the effort it was taking me. Finally the darkness was off of Emmett's aura and he stopped crying. I continued to concentrate, gritting my teeth with the effort it was taking. I started pushing the darkness away from me and away from the others. I pushed it up and away but finally the effort was too much for me and the darkness crashed down on me like a suffocating blanket. I cried out with the pain of it and Jasper quickly pulled me into his embrace. I struggled against him and finally broke out of his grip, practically flying to the other side of the room. I was feeling claustrophobic and I just needed space. I keep breathing quickly and if I were human I would have been hyperventilating. Jasper came over to me and I screamed as though I'd been burned when he tried to touch me.

"Stay away!" I screamed and I tried to get him to understand that it wasn't him.

From the look on his face, I could see I hadn't succeeded, but he slowly filled me with calm and after a couple minutes, I was back in control. I ran at Jasper, almost knocking him over as he caught me. I buried my face in his chest and breathed in his scent. His scent alone was enough to finish calming me.

"Better?" he asked, the pain evident in his voice.

"Much. I'm sorry I pushed you away, Jazz," I said, talking into his chest. "I was feeling so claustrophobic and the feeling of you holding me…" I trailed off and shuddered at the memory of it.

"It's okay, Sugar," he said, and let me feel his understanding.

"That went well, all things considered," I said conversationally and I smiled against his chest as I felt his chest rumble with his laughs.

"That went well?" Emmett asked. "You didn't look _well_ a minute ago."

"Well, that was after I lost control," I said, peering around Jasper toward Emmett.

"You did very well, Bella," Carlisle said.

"Thanks, Carlisle. I think with more practice I'll be able to get an even better handle on it. It was so different this time. It was like I could feel the darkness…like a physical object. I can manipulate it. I almost got it away from me before I lost control," I said, excited at the progress I'd made.

"Plus, I got Emmett to cry like a little girl," I said, smiling bright.

"Hey, I wasn't crying like a little girl!" Emmett exclaimed.

"I'm just teasing, Em," I said, placating him. "Just be glad that Carmen has relatively little pain and healing to do compared to the rest of the family."

I was pleased with the look of awe that Emmett gave me then, but then I felt ashamed of feeling so much pride.

"Don't feel ashamed, darlin'. It's a great accomplishment that you've gotten so far with your gift. You've been able to handle more pain than any person should ever have to feel and you've walked away with your body and mind intact. You have plenty to be proud of and you should never feel shame for that fact," Jasper said.

The way he saw me was staggering to me sometimes. He made me feel loved and respected like nobody else ever had. We said goodnight to the rest of the family and then we showed each other with our bodies how much we loved each other.


	30. It's time

"Peter!" Jasper called out as he opened the door.

"Brother!" I heard a deep voice respond.

I rushed to finish getting dressed for the day and ran down the stairs quickly to meet Jasper's friends. They were all in the living room, everyone still standing while introductions were being made and greetings exchanged. I quickly took my place at Jasper's side.

"You must be the lovely lady that's brought my brother back," Peter boomed. He was even taller than Jasper and had sandy colored hair.

"It's so nice to meet you, Peter," I said. He put out his hand and I bypassed it to give him a big hug.

"No handshakes for us. I feel like I already know you. I have a new big brother," I said with a huge smile. I knew all about Peter and Charlotte and their times together with Jasper. They saved him from Maria's war and I would be forever grateful for their kindness.

"It's so nice to meet you, Bella," Charlotte gushed as she gave me a big hug. She was so much shorter than her mate it was almost comical.

"Likewise, Charlotte," I responded.

She looked us over as Jasper wrapped his arm around my shoulders and smiled brightly.

"You really are good for each other," she said. I just looked up at Jasper and we smiled at each other. I agreed with her wholeheartedly. Emmett made a gagging sound and Rose giggled.

We all settled down to chat for a while, but eventually we got down to business.

"So y'all have started on your training?" Peter asked.

"Oh yeah! We've been sparring ever since we heard about them coming after us," Emmett said, excitedly.

"Think you could take me?" he asked, eying Emmett.

"Hell yeah! Let's see whatcha got!" he said. Minutes later, Emmett had his face in the dirt as proof that he still had some things to learn.

The next couple months went about the same. More people came to visit. Some stayed, some left with the promise of assistance when the time came. We spent our days training: sparring, practicing our gifts, as well as systematic desensitization of blood for me. That was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do, but slowly but surely I was developing strength against the call of human blood. I supposed it was worth a little bit of torture to be able to be around humanity without the risk of attacking people.

I was finally starting to outgrow the overwhelming newborn instincts. I very rarely lost myself to my instincts, though when I did it usually ended with very satisfying primal sexcapades with my mate. That worked out to be the best way for me to snap out of it.

I had also figured out more about how my gift worked. When I did my thing, it didn't completely heal the person. Everyone has different issues and it seemed that my gift generally healed the greater pain. It also had a lot to do with how the person faced their past. Rose, for example, was finally able to let go of the pain of her rape, but she also had to adjust the way she thought about it. She still had to learn how to deal with her feelings. It was more like my healing her gave her the opportunity to learn to deal with her emotions.

The family had also helped me experiment with how to heal myself. Jasper had found that when he was sending me lots of love, I was able to differentiate the darkness from the rest of my aura. It still wasn't the same as how I looked at everyones aura, but it gave me hope that someday I could heal.

While having so many visitors we had converted a couple others to hunting animals, including Peter and Charlotte. They still went out to hunt killers and rapists now and then, but we were so far out from civilization that they really needed to hunt animals to avoid the extensive travel it would require to hunt humans.

Both Jasper and Peter were great teachers and I enjoyed watching both of them fight. Jasper looked more deadly, but Peter looked like he was having so much fun that it was actually rather intimidating for the rest of us. Charlotte was a scary little thing too. She didn't have nearly as much fighting experience as Jasper and Peter, but she was small and fast. Her small and unassuming stature was probably one of her best assets when it came to fighting. Even knowing better, she didn't look like much competition and we were all constantly underestimating her.

One afternoon, the first week of October, six of us were outside training, a small group was out hunting (animals) and a couple people were hanging out in the house. Jasper and Peter had shown us a couple pointers and we had paired up to practice when everyone suddenly stilled, looking toward the south. Jasper came up and held my hand as we looked for the danger. A male and female vampire had just arrived at the edge of the tree line and were holding their hands up in surrender. The male was standing slightly ahead of the female in a protective stance which I recognized as being a sign of a mated couple.

Those of us that had been sparring exchanged glances with each other, but nobody seemed to recognize our visitors. We were a little nervous as always when somebody new showed up, but usually there was someone that recognized the visiting vampires right away.

"I mean you no harm," the male called out. "I come with a message for Eleazar." The female looked like she was on the verge of running. I realized it must have been rather intimidating approaching six strange vampires while they are practicing their fighting skills.

Eleazar came out of the house at that point and smiled widely at them. "Anna! Demetri! It has been a long time my friends," he said happily and the rest of us were finally able to fully relax.

He strode out to greet them and they met him halfway. They exchanged greetings, and hugs, and then we were all introduced. Anna was a very quiet vampire, and it was easy to see her sincerity. Demetri looked very cautious, but non-threatening at the same time.

"The rest of you may continue practicing if you'd like," Eleazar suggested.

"But…" Emmett started protesting.

"We don't want to overwhelm our guests, Emmett," Carlisle explained. "Let's let them get comfortable first."

"Just afraid to be beaten again?" Peter said, taunting Emmett as Carlisle, Eleazar and the newcomers went inside the house.

"You know he is," Garret said, laughing.

Emmett scoffed. "Afraid of you? I could beat you with my hands tied behind my back."

"You don't have a chance even _with_ both of your arms," he laughed before Emmett tackled him. Five seconds later, Emmett was on the ground on his stomach with his arms pulled at an awkward angle behind his back.

"Take it easy on the poor guy," Charlotte admonished.

"I'm trying!" Peter exclaimed innocently and everyone, even Emmett, started laughing.

"Who's the master?" Peter asked, his eyes shining with amusement. Emmett grumbled incoherently under his breath.

"I didn't hear you, Emmett. Who's the master?" Peter repeated, emphasizing each word as he pulled on Emmett's arms.

Emmett cursed and finally spit out, "You're the master." He wasn't pleased to say the least, but the rest of us found it to be quite entertaining. Garret had even gotten out his iPhone and was recording the whole exchange. Peter finally released Emmett. He pulled himself up off the ground and dusted himself off.

"I'm going to get you someday, man," Emmett warned before Rose came out of the house take him out hunting.

"Jazz, why don't we go for a quick hunt? We've been training all morning," I suggested. He was looking nervous and I wanted to get away from the others so he would tell me why.

"That's a good idea, Bella," he responded and keeping my hand in his we ran toward our favorite hunting spot.

We each took down a mountain goat quickly and then went to sit on the rocky lookout over the valley. We sat in a comfortable silence for a couple minutes before I spoke.

"What's wrong, Jazz?" I asked.

"Anna and Demetri just have me a little nervous," Jasper said slowly.

I, of course, started feeling panicky. We had left our family alone with them.

"Don't panic, darlin'. It's not like that," Jasper said soothingly. I looked deep into his eyes and could see that he wasn't worried about their immediate safety.

"They were both feeling very determined and worried. I have the feeling that they have news for us that we aren't going to like. There was something else there, an undercurrent to their emotions, that I can't quite identify. I just feel like the time for confrontation is coming quickly and I don't like it. I don't like fighting," he said wearily.

"None of us do, even if Emmett says he does," I responded with a smile. Jasper laughed at my lame attempt at a joke.

"We could always use more practice, but we've all gotten to be pretty good fighters, Jazz. None of us want it to get to a fight, but we'll be able to defend ourselves. We won't go down without a fight," I continued. The Major in him nodded his head and I could feel his determination.

"Let's go see what's happening at the house," he said as he stood up. He offered his hand and I happily took his assistance. He pulled me up and into his arms. We stayed in that position for several minutes, relishing the comfort that being in the arms of our mate provided us, before finally running back to the house.

Everyone was gathered in the backyard when we returned. We had such a full house that there wasn't enough room for everyone in the living room. Our family was there as well as the Denali family (including Garrett), Peter and Charlotte, Maggie, Siobhan and Liam who had come from Ireland. Everyone was sitting in a big circle surrounding a small fire pit that Emmett had taken to using on a regular basis. I almost stumbled when I realized that Emmett was actually roasting marshmallows. I opened my mouth, but realized that there was no rational explanation for it. I did wonder where he'd even gotten marshmallows, but I knew better than to ask.

"We were just about to call you back," Carlisle said as we went to sit down in the circle.

"Sorry. We didn't realize that you were all waiting on us," I said.

"Not at all," he responded before turning back to the group.

"Now that we are all here, we have a lot to discuss and we have some decisions to make," Carlisle said in a grave voice. "Anna and Demetri have come to us with information at great personal risk to both themselves. Anna, Demetri, we appreciate your assistance and are thankful for your warnings. Would you like to explain to everyone?"

Demetri nodded and stood up. "For those of you who don't know, I am a tracker for the Volturi." At his announcement, there was definite unease among us. A member of the Volturi was here!

He ignored our discomfort and continued, "My mate is not part of the guard and we live separate from the Volturi, which is something they don't often allow. We have been growing uncomfortable with the situation in Volterra, but we have been careful not to discuss these things, as Aro can read all of our thoughts, past and present. However, the brothers recently allowed us to take a long vacation. We spent six months in South America. During our time away from Volterra, we changed. If you are not already aware, there is a gifted one, Chelsea, who is able to manipulate the bonds between people. She keeps us all loyal to the brothers and to the guard.

"While we were on leave, our bonds to the Volturi coven were weakened. We are unsure if this is due to the amount of time away, or distance, or something else entirely, but we found our loyalty to my masters to be diminishing. At this point, I feel no loyalty to them, and the pull to serve them that has existed in me since the time of my change, is nearly gone. I don't understand it, but I now feel as if…I have been awakened," Demetri said.

"He is telling the truth," Maggie said quietly. I'd been wondering myself and would guess that many of the others were as well. Demetri cocked his head and looked at Maggie like he was trying to figure her out.

"My gift is to know if someone is truthful or not. You are being truthful. Forgive us for being less than being completely trustful, but I know it made me nervous to hear that one of Aro's precious guard has come here to say he has deflected. I mean no disrespect," she said quietly with a wry smile.

"No apology necessary, little one," Demetri said nodding his head at her. He then directed his attention back to the group.

"I have just gotten the call back to service. The entire guard has been called to duty and we decided to come here. We have been uneasy with everything going on in Volterra, even before our artificial bonds with them were cut, and now that we know why I have been recalled, we feel that we simply cannot walk away from this and do nothing." Demetri was now pacing and quickly growing agitated, and I could see that Anna was looking more and more upset as her mate lost his composure.

"Jazz, could you calm them?" I whispered and he nodded.

"Anna, Demetri," Jasper called out and they turned to us. "If you would like, I am an empath, and perhaps I could calm your emotions," Jasper suggested. The very suggestion made them relax a little.

"That would be wonderful, Jasper. Thank you," Anna said after exchanging a glance with her mate. A slight smile formed on her face as Jasper did his thing.

"Now, as I was saying, the guard has been called. The brothers have decided to act to the supposed threat your coven represents," Demetri said. "There has been some dissent when it comes to this, but they are moving forward. They have called me back to track this family as well as those who may be in support of your family. However, before they move in, they are planning another mission, so we have a little time before they attack."

He paused and Carlisle spoke up, "Bella, I understand that this will be difficult for you especially, but you know that we will deal with this as a family. We will not allow Aro and his brothers to do this, do you understand?" he said. He knelt in front of me, and held my hands in his, and I was terrified why he would be talking to me like this. What would affect me more than the others? Was Aro coming for Jasper? Was he coming for me?

"What is it?" I choked out.

Anna took over at that point. "I don't know if you have heard about this, Bella, but Caius has a big grudge against werewolves. One almost got the better of him hundreds of years ago and he has done his best to exterminate the entire species. My Demetri was present for a conversation between the brothers before we left for our travels. Aro knows of your allegiance to the wolves, both the true werewolves and the shape shifters, from Carlisle's thoughts, and Aro shared this information with Caius.

"Caius is incensed at this friendship and Aro has agreed to eliminate the wolves. They are afraid that when they come to destroy your coven, the werewolves would be your allies. At least that is their public reasoning behind them going after the wolves first."

There were several minutes of tense silence, and I vaguely wondered what everyone was thinking.

"It's my fault that they want to go after the wolves," I said. "I have to go warn them, protect them."

"It is _not_ your fault. Don't blame yourself for the actions of others. The brothers have gone too far this time. We cannot allow this to go on. They threaten us, and they threaten those we have learned to live with peacefully. They have gone too far this time, and we will not allow them to continue on this path," Jasper said passionately as he looked deeply into my eyes. Every single person present chimed in with their agreement. My heart swelled with love for my mate and my family.

After a couple minutes of silence, Demetri spoke up again. "Bella, Carlisle told me a bit of your history with the wolves. Would you mind telling me the story? I admit that I do not understand your allegiance to werewolves."

"Of course," I said. The others that had never heard the entire story listened up as well.

I started from the beginning and how Jake had helped put me back together after Edward and the Cullens left. It was easier telling my story now.

"At first, I think that Jake was a sort of rebound. A lot of the time I felt like I was using him, and I knew he wanted more than I thought I could ever give him. We were the best of friends and when we started being more, I was just a mess of emotions. He started out like a replacement for Edward," I explained and paused, lost in my memories.

"He didn't stay that way though. At some point, I think I realized that Edward was really never coming back. I had to decide if I was going to mourn his loss for the rest of my life or if I was going to move on with my life. I finally did move on and I loved Jake completely. I wouldn't have agreed to marry him otherwise," I said.

I went on to explain what had happened to my parents and the rough time I'd had after the fight with Victoria and the newborns that had killed three wolves. "The wolves, with the exception of Jake, blamed me for their brothers' deaths. I blamed myself. It was never the same again. They hadn't just been my friends. They were my _family__,_ and I went from being family to being an unwelcome intruder. Then just weeks before the wedding, Jake imprinted. He found his soul mate and that was that." Everyone sat quietly and listened to me tell my story. They seemed to sense that I needed to talk about it, especially since I rarely shared willingly.

"Honestly, I'm not sure how he's going to react to me being there, especially now that I am a vampire. That was the main point of contention in our relationship. I always defended the Cullens when the wolves would start harping on them. I think Jake was hurt that I could still love his enemy even after they'd hurt me so much by leaving. He would get so angry that I could still love them. I think it made him question my love for him. If I loved him, a werewolf, how could I love a vampire too? I think he saw it as a betrayal. Plus, he was a little bitter about having to be a werewolf in the first place. If it wasn't for the vampires, he could have been a normal human teenager. I think those are the reasons why he was so angry and bitter when we saw him in Forks.

"He seems to forget that he hurt me as much as Edward did when he left me for his soul mate just weeks before we were due to be married. I don't blame him. I never did. I knew about imprinting and I knew it was a possibility. I just never thought it would actually happen to us. If it hadn't happened though, I wouldn't be here today. This is where I am meant to be, so I don't regret any of the past. It is what it is."

"He may hate me and what I've become, but I still love Jake. He and all the wolves are family. I will do anything I have to do to protect my family."

"Don't worry, Bells. We won't let them kill your wolves. What are we going to do?" Emmett asked Carlisle and Eleazar.

"We thought that Jasper and Bella should go to the wolves in New York first. I don't want to overwhelm them with more than one vampire to keep them from feeling threatened. We need to try to get them, and those they know, to go to Forks," Carlisle said.

I was confused. "Why Forks?"

"The brothers are planning on starting with the wolves in Forks because of the Cullens' long standing treaty and your close relationship with the pack, Bella. That is where I have been instructed to meet them in one week's time," Demetri said.

"We'll be bringing the fight to the brothers instead of the other way around and perhaps we can make the wolves our allies. An unlikely alliance between vampires and werewolves could save us all," Demetri said.


	31. Cinnamon and Caramel Rolls

Jasper and I headed to New York before the others left. They were going to give us two days' head start before going to Forks. We ran about two hundred miles before stopping to rent a vehicle – a new black jeep with heavily tinted windows. We drove the rest of the way there.

It was strange being back at a place where I had last been human. I was very thankful for the desensitization to blood that Carlisle and I had worked so hard on. I was still uncomfortable being around humans but I was coping.

"Jasper, could we please stop by the bakery? I would like to see Beth while we are in town," I suggested. I wasn't sure if she was watching out for us or if she had any idea what was going on, but having a Seer available to talk to was too good an opportunity to pass up.

Jasper pulled up in front of the bakery and we got out of the jeep. The door jingled loudly when I pushed it open.

"Bella, I have been waiting for you. You look lovely," Beth gushed as she came rushing around the counter to greet us. I was relieved when she stopped several feet away. I wasn't ready to start hugging any humans.

"It's good to see you as well, Jasper," she said.

"It's good to see you again, Beth," I said with a small smile. The whole thing was a bit surreal.

"Let's go to the back room, shall we?" Beth asked us. She didn't bother waiting for a response before calling out a request to her employee for a couple cups of her special tea to be brought to us.

We followed Beth to the little back room she had set up and sat down around the table. She watched us for a little while with a huge smile on her face. I watched her aura and it was amazing. She was so bright and happy. We remained silent until our tea was brought in and the door closed behind her. I remembered her offering this tea to Rose and Esme back when I first met her, and the smell of the tea was indeed pleasant for a vampire. It was calming and it cooled the burn in my throat. It was like aromatherapy for a vampire.

"I am so glad to see that things are working out how they were meant to. You are learning to use your gift, correct? And you have your warrior to protect you. See? It's all working out," she said happily, clapping her hands together.

"Just one more major hurdle and then you can fulfill your destiny," she said.

"Huh?" I'm eloquent, I know.

"You will have to fight with your wolves. The evil ones cannot be defeated by you alone, or by the wolves alone. Together you will triumph. Together you will change the future of the supernatural races," she said. "You are the key Bella. You will save us all."

"You still need to heal yourself, but that is the hardest part for you. You need to let go of your past hurts, which you have started to do. You have to fully let it go in order to heal and you will need the love of your entire family to give you the strength you need. Trust in them and trust in yourself," she instructed and I nodded.

"Now, at first you will have trouble with the wolves. The key is humility. You need to make yourself vulnerable to them in order for them to trust you. You will know what to do when the time comes. Trust yourself. Now you, Protector, you will need to trust your mate when she deals with the wolves. It will go against all of your instincts, but you must allow your mate to deal with it and you must trust her judgment. Even when it scares you, you _must_ trust your mate."

"I trust her with my life," Jasper said.

"And so you will. By trusting her instincts with the wolves, you _are_ trusting her with your life. It is apparent that she loves you more than life itself and she will not risk your life. Let her do what she needs to do, no matter how much your instincts are in conflict with that," she said.

"Now you two don't have much time. Go now and take care."

She was a confusing woman and I never knew how to react to her.

"Thank you," I said.

She smiled at me. "Good luck to you, Healer. Trust in yourself."

We went out into the shop and purchased a dozen each of her famous cinnamon rolls and caramel rolls to take with us. I had found that with wolves, it's better to bring food to butter them up.

It was a half hour drive to the house of the werewolves. When we pulled up in front of the house, I was flooded with memories. Jasper noticed my emotional turmoil and looked at me expectantly.

"Tell me about your friends, Bella," Jasper requested as he stroked my hair.

"They used to be so protective of me. They made me feel like I belonged. They were my friends when I had none and wanted none. They watched out for me, and I knew that they'd threatened others on my behalf before when I was past caring who my dealers were and if they were honest or safe to be around.

"I was almost relieved when I met them and realized what they were. It was the same when I saw Garrett for the first time. Edward said when he left that it would be as though he'd never existed, and that was something that I was truly afraid of. I'd never fit into the human world. I felt more at home with vampires and werewolves than anywhere 'human' even though I never truly fit in anywhere. Garrett and the brothers inside that house made me feel like I wasn't insane, like I hadn't made it all up in my mind. I felt like I had a place to belong. I never got close to them like I had your family or the La Push wolves. I wouldn't let _anyone_ that close, but I did feel more at ease when I was with them," I said with a sigh. I pulled myself from my memories and opened the car door.

"Jasper, why don't you stay in the car for right now? I'll go in and see how they react to me first," I said and Jasper hesitantly nodded in agreement. I knew he was struggling against his instinct to protect me, but he allowed me to do it my way.

The house was away from town a bit, in a small neighborhood. It was a modest ranch style house but well kept up. I knocked on the front door of the house and then took several steps back so that I wouldn't come across as threatening. My biggest hope was that Joshua wouldn't be the one to answer the door. Joshua had been abused as a child and hadn't dealt with the trauma well. He was a little 'out there', but nice enough to me. I wasn't sure how he would react to me being a vampire now though. I was hoping that one of the other brothers would be the one to answer the door.

The door finally, slowly, opened a crack and I could see a large, burly man standing there. I looked up and was happy to see it was Henry, the more sensible of the brothers. Henry's eyes were blazing until he saw my face. He looked completely and utterly shocked when he realized who was at his door, and I couldn't help but laugh a little.

"You look like you've seen a ghost, Henry," I said.

"Is that really you, Bella?" he asked. I could see that he was warring with his instincts as much as Jasper was back in the car.

"Yeah, it's me," I said.

"A vampire should not show up at a werewolf's house without calling first," Henry snapped.

I shrugged innocently. "True, but I come bearing cinnamon and caramel rolls." I held up the box.

He took a couple deep breaths to calm himself. It was working well. All three of them used to be so temperamental and would fly off the handle at the smallest things. I suggested meditation and yoga to them. They laughed at the yoga, but started taking some kind of martial arts which taught control and discipline. It worked for them and was more 'manly'. Whatever works.

"Well if you brought caramel rolls…" Henry said, rolling his eyes at me.

"I can't believe you became a vampire. The other ones you knew hurt you so bad. I didn't think you'd ever want this future," he said. Henry was more like a big brother to me, even though we honestly hadn't known each other all that well. I'd never told him the entire story, but he'd figured a bunch of it on his own by some of the things I did let slip.

"Yeah. There was this whole prophecy thing and I'm going to save the world or some bullshit like that," I said flippantly.

"Prophecy?"

"Yeah. There was a prophecy about me. I'm supposed to bring peace and balance to the supernatural world. I'm a soul healer. Blah, blah, blah," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Good to see you haven't changed entirely. You may come in, Bella," he said and then glanced at the car.

"Is that a friend?" he asked.

"That's my mate, Jasper," I said and Henry's smile grew.

"Bells, I am happy for you," he said, but then he frowned. "Will you be insulted if I don't invite him in? I wouldn't invite _you_ in if you weren't a friend. You understand, right? Mortal enemies, blah, blah, blah," he said laughing. He was always making fun of me, but in a big brother kind of way.

"I understand. I just need a couple minutes of your time," I said. I was getting a better reception than I had any hope of receiving.

"You don't smell as bad as other vampires I've known," Henry remarked as we sat down in the living room.

"It surprised me too actually. My family goes on and on about how bad y'all smell, but you just smell extra woodsy to me," I said. "Not really a good smell I guess, but not bad. No offense intended," I said, laughing.

"So Bella, you're a vampire now, so I'm assuming you didn't come here for the fabulous weed," Henry said getting to the point.

"No, I didn't. I'll get straight to the point. Do you know anything about the power structure of the vampires? The Volturi?" I asked.

He rubbed the stubble on his chin as he thought about it. "I don't think I've ever heard of them. I've never been in the position to hear about any vampire business. We generally just try to mind our own business and live our lives."

"Well, let me give you a cliff notes history lesson," I said and then proceeded to give a quick rundown on the vampire hierarchy and rules. He started pacing the room half way through my explanation.

"Since Aro has seen Carlisle's memories of my friendship with you and Caius has a big grudge against werewolves, they are planning on attacking. They are starting with the wolves in Forks in just under a week. Then they will come here. They don't know much of your location other than I bought weed from you in the city here, but they will find you. We are all going to Forks and we will stand together with the La Push wolves and bring down the brothers. Will you stand with us?" I asked.

"This is not our fight. You led them to us," Henry shouted.

"It was not my intention to lead them to you. I did not tell the Volturi anything about you; rather, I told my family that I knew some werewolves that sold good weed. I do feel guilty that they would not have known about you if not for me, but either way, they _do_ know about you. They _will_ come to kill you in one week's time. You can run or you can fight. You can fight here by yourselves, or you can come with me to Forks where we all stand together to fight the vampire rulers that threaten our entire supernatural world," I stood up then and I stood tall and confident.

"So tell me now, Henry. Will you stand alone or will you stand _with_ us in a united front?"

"I must talk to my brothers first. Will you be leaving immediately?" he asked. I could see his resolve and was relatively confident that they would be coming.

"We will be in town until morning. We have a private plane reserved at nine o'clock tomorrow morning. If you are coming, call me no later than eight o'clock and then meet us at the airport.

We shook hands and I knew there was nothing to do but wait.

***

The following morning we waited until 8:45 to board the plane. I looked out at the parking lot and there was no sign of them. Finally I sat down next to Jasper and I leaned my head on his shoulder.

"They're not coming," I murmured. Jasper wrapped his arms tightly around me and I buried my face in his chest.

"We'll still have the La Push wolves. Don't worry, my love. We'll beat them. We have the element of surprise. We will not go down without one hell of a fight," Jasper said. He let me feel his confidence and his peace, and I allowed myself to bathe in his positive and strong emotions.

By the time the plane started taxiing the runway, I was confident again. "Why don't we join the mile high club," I whispered softly before I nibbled lightly on his ear lobe.

He moaned at the feel of my tongue on his skin which was now exploring his neck. I moved from my seat and straddled his lap, grinding myself against him. As the plane sped up, our kissing became almost frantic, a fight for dominance that neither of us wanted to give up. Jasper pulled at the button to my jeans and reached his fingers into my panties.

That, of course, was when the plane suddenly slowed down and stopped mid-taxi. Jasper groaned, but not the good kind of groan. He lifted me off of him and I huffed as he placed me on my feet.

"It better be something important that interrupted us," I muttered as we both went toward the cockpit. Jasper opened the door and as we went into the cockpit it was immediately apparent what the interruption was. My smile grew impossibly large at the sight of seventeen large, burly men and fifteen amazon-looking women standing in front of the plane with bags in their hands. These were not just any men and women. These were thirty-two werewolves.

"I had no idea there were so many," I said and then I impulsively dashed to the door of the plane. I didn't think of it until afterward, but at least the pilots didn't see me moving at inhuman speed. They were too confused by the sudden appearance of the men and women standing on the runway.

I flung open the door and peer out at them. Henry came alongside the plane and then jumped up and through the door. Evidently he wasn't worried about hiding his nature today either.

"You came!" I said with a big smile.

"Sorry we're late," Henry said sheepishly.

"Better late than never," I said. Henry nodded in agreement.

"I can't let you fight alone," he said. "We will stand together."


	32. Hungry Like the Wolf - Jacob's POV

**Jacob POV**

"Jacob!" Dad called.

I wiped the grease from my hands on a dirty work rag and walked up to the house. My dad was sitting in his chair on the porch, looking rather impatient. He was usually a little cranky when he had to wheel himself to my house, even though it was only a quarter mile away from his house, and the exercise was good for him.

"Come on in," I said and I held the door open for him. "Would you like a drink?"

"I wouldn't mind a beer if you had one," he said.

"Jake, I just got a call from Dr. Cullen. They are requesting a meeting tomorrow at noon at the treaty line. He said that they will be bringing six. They said that they have information that the pack needs," Billy said, solemnly.

"Great. Just fucking great. The leeches are bringing trouble. I don't know why we have this treaty in the first place, dad. A bloodsucker is a bloodsucker any way you look at it. A bunch of murderers," I practically growled. The anger consumed me every time I even thought about those fucking Cullens.

"We will respect the treaty our ancestors made in good faith. Would you disrespect them and question their honor over a simple jealousy?" Dad responded wisely.

He always knew how to get to me. When Sam stepped down as Alpha and I took command of the pack, I went through the teachings of the elders, as I am now the Chief of the tribe. My ancestors and our traditions and honor, which had always meant a lot to me, began to mean much more. I now had a real responsibility to my ancestors and my ancestor's honor as the Chief of my tribe and the Alpha of my pack. However, the vampires, even the ones that did not hunt humans, were murderers at heart and our mortal enemies. I would not and could not 'make nice' with them.

"What do you mean, jealous?" I asked him as I rummaged through the fridge for a couple beers. I wasn't jealous of anyone.

"You have so much responsibility and have wisdom beyond your years, but in many ways you are still very young, Jacob. You have always been jealous of the love Bella had for the Cullens. Even when she loved _you_, it was never enough for you. You always needed assurance that she loved you more than them. You were never confident enough in her love for you. If not for your jealousy, her back would not be marked as it is," Billy finished quietly, and the shame I always felt when I thought of that day flared inside of me.

"You are still upset that you saw her with another vampire when she visited the graves," Dad stated.

"How can she go back to one of those bloodsuckers when they hurt her so badly?" I asked angrily. I wasn't jealous. I was angry.

"How can she come back here, year after year, to honor the fallen wolves when the _pack_ has hurt her so deeply, over and over?" Dad asked quietly.

"I don't know. I don't understand it. She shouldn't come. There's nothing she can do to fix anything that happened," I said. She truly had me baffled. I knew she always came, even when none of us welcomed her, but she did it anyway.

"She does it to honor their sacrifice. She does it to tell them that she hasn't forgotten. She does it to honor their spirits as is our tradition," Dad said as though I were stupid.

"She doesn't believe in honoring spirits, and she isn't wanted there in any case," I argued. The old man must be going senile.

"She knows that it is important to our people, so she honors their spirits to honor the fallen, to honor us. The fact that she comes despite not being wanted shows how much it means to her that they are honored despite the hostility, says a lot about her integrity. Jacob, I do not understand you. I do not understand this anger you cling to," Dad said, getting angry himself. Suddenly his face turned pensive.

"I thought she was just being overly dramatic before she left when she said that there was nowhere that she was wanted…nowhere that she truly belonged," Dad said frowning at me. "Perhaps she _was_ right. If so, that is a very sad thing. For such a selfless, giving soul to be all alone in the world, unwanted by those she loves."

"Dad, just drop it. I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to talk about an ex-girlfriend. Besides, my _wife_ will be home soon," I said pointedly. "Dad, you act like I still have feelings for Bella, but, dad, I'm imprinted on Sarah. She is my everything. I thought I loved Bella, but this isn't even in the same ball park. Sarah is my everything. So why do you keep bringing up Bella?"

"I know that your imprint is everything to you, but you have forgotten the one you hurt. She was your best friend before she was your girlfriend. She meant so much to you, and while you didn't ostracize her like others in the pack, like Paul, you still abandoned her in her hour of need. Did you not see her falling apart again? But that time it was because of you! It wasn't your fault that you imprinted, but if she did find love with another vampire, you would blame her for finding happiness? _She_ was happy for _you, _despite how much it hurt her. It may not make sense to you, her loving a vampire, but it evidently does to her. Why does that fill you with so much hate? Did you ever really love her at all?" Dad asked.

"I can't believe that you would want her to be with a vampire. He'll kill her! Better he kills her outright rather than change her. She's better off dead," I snarled.

To my surprise, Dad didn't say anything else. He shook his head slowly and left the house. I could feel myself shaking, but I took in a couple deep breaths and finally calmed myself down. I was perfectly relaxed by the time Sarah got home from work.

"How was your day?" I asked her as I wrapped my arms around her little body. She was only five-four and I was six-nine, so there was a big size difference, but I loved it that way.

"My day is better now," she said and stood on her tip toes to kiss me.

"When are we leaving for Sam and Emily's?" she asked.

"As soon as you are ready," I said. Sam had stopped phasing when their first was born, but he and Emily were still a big part of the pack activities, which tonight included getting the food ready for the bonfire.

"Let me take a quick shower and then we'll go," she said.

I packed the hot dogs into one cooler and soda into another, and then poured ice over both. By the time I'd brought everything out to the car, Sarah was also ready to go. I was starting to get worked up about the meeting the next day, but Sarah was keeping me grounded. She could keep me calm, when nothing else could.

The bonfire was going great. After a whole lot of food (and when you're talking werewolves you really are talking about _a lot_ of food), we listened to the old stories and legends of our people. It was a time for learning and a time for remembering. There was a new addition to the traditional stories told: the story of the red-haired woman and the brave wolves that had given their lives to save the tribe. There was still bitterness when the story was told, and someone always spoke up during the story, to add that it was a vampire lover that brought this upon the tribe in the first place. The first couple times I stopped them, but after that, I couldn't help but agree with them and they knew it.

We all missed our brothers, and it all seemed like such a waste. Three of my wolves killed, her parents tortured and killed, all to save the single life of an insignificant girl. I'd been head over heels in love with her at one time, but after my brothers fell in battle, it was a fight for me to continue to love her. When I imprinted, not only did my world suddenly have purpose, I finally had an out. I didn't want to get married to her anymore, and I finally had an out…and a much better future wife to look forward too. It was like Bella had had a spell over me. Imprinting was like…finally opening my eyes.

I suddenly realized that I was so far gone in my inner musings that I'd missed the fact that the bonfire was done. Everyone was picking up their things and heading home. I looked over at Sarah, and was filled with love watching her picking up our things. She always knew when to leave me to my thoughts.

I caught the eye of the only person left sitting on a log facing the bonfire. Onawa, the tribe shaman. Her long silver and black hair had been braided, and was so long it reached all the way down her back. Her body was old and weak; her joints swollen with arthritis, but her eyes and her mind were sharp and quick. I guess it could be a lot worse for someone who had lived over one hundred years.

"Jacob, leader of the wolves," she said, acknowledging me as I started walking away. "Come, sit. We have an important matter to discuss."

I sat down on the log next to her, almost laughing at the size difference between me and her old shriveled frame, and then waited for her to speak. I wanted nothing more than to go home with my beautiful young wife, but I knew that the medicine woman would not make anything quick. She was used to taking her time, and although I agreed that she should be given time, I was out of patience for the day.

After several minutes of waiting, she finally spoke. "Jacob, leader of the wolves, a great war is coming between many races. There is one that was foreseen to unite us. She is important to the future of all the races. She is desperately needed in this hard, cruel world. She has known pain like no other, and because of that, she has the ability to take away pain. She will need you. You need to get past your arrogance young one," she said, smiling at me. I couldn't help the low growl that escaped me, and I was immediately ashamed.

"Excuse me, wise one. I have had a difficult day," I said respectfully.

"It is only going to get more difficult. A great war is upon us. The future of your pack and the future of our entire tribe rests on the outcome of this war. The futures of other races depend on this fight as well. You will need to fight together," she said passionately. We spent several more minutes in silence.

"The one you must follow will humble herself at your feet. She is worthy of your trust. Please, for the love of your people and in honor of your ancestors, you _must_ follow her, and you _must_ listen to her. She will not let you down." With that, she turned her attention back to the fire and I knew I had been dismissed.

"Do you need any help getting home, wise one?" I asked.

"My granddaughter will be here soon. Your pretty wife is waiting for you to take her home and take her to bed," she said, laughing. I couldn't help but blush.

"Good night, Onawa," I said. She hummed in response and looked on into the dying fire.

The next morning, everyone was anxious. From the leeches requesting a meeting and the Shaman's words of warning, I was stressed and anxious. And because I was stressed and anxious, the rest of the pack was stressed and anxious as well. It was finally time and I nodded to the two youngest wolves that were staying behind to protect the tribe. The rest of us shed our clothing, tied them to our legs and phased into our wolf forms. It was so freeing and I felt at home in the pack mind.

Everyone was focused on the meeting and a possible fight. When I could smell that we were getting close, I finally told Paul to cool it. He had such a hot temper, and even if it was getting better, I didn't want his temper to get away from him.

"_Come on, guys. We will meet with them and find out what they want. Let me do the talking. Quill and Jared, phase back with me, the rest of you, stay visible, but stay back unless I signal you. Do not attack unless I give the go ahead. Understand?"_

I heard their voices in my head, agreeing, and when we got close, Quill, Jared, and I phased and quickly put our clothes on. We stepped out into the little clearing at the treaty border, and I was so angry that I almost phased when I saw Bella was one of them. I took a quick glance at the group they'd assembled and saw three vampires and three humans…but not normal humans. Though I wasn't in wolf form anymore, I still had a good sense of smell, but I was pretty sure that I'd never smelled anything like them before. They smelled woodsy and had the musky sent of a wolf, but they weren't wolves like us.

I noted that one of them had a stack of white boxes with them that smelled like breakfast, but that didn't make sense. Peace offering? Weird, but that kind of sounded like something Bella would do. Speaking of which…I brought my attention back to her.

She was gorgeous, there was no denying that, but I still couldn't believe it.

"I can't believe you, you fucking bloodsucker. After all we did for you…" I said, not even trying to be nice about it. She flinched at my tone, and I was filled with a sense of accomplishment.

Quill, looking at the big human said, "You work for the leeches?" Despite the derogatory term, he spoke without apparent anger. He was always nice and calm.

"My name is Henry. We have come together to warn you of a fight that is coming. We came here to protect you and yours. I would advise that you treat us all with respect," Henry said to Quill and then turned to me, his facial expression becoming hard. "I would refrain from calling Bella names. She cares enough for you to come to fight to protect you. I know what you did to her yourself, regardless it being fate or not, you broke her heart as well. She has been a friend to our pack and I will not allow you to disrespect her in front of me. Are we clear?"

"Pack?" I asked.

"We are the representatives of the Werewolf pack of Saratoga Springs. We knew Bella when she was human," Henry explained.

"We brought breakfast," Bella said with a big smile. Henry handed over the tall stack of boxes that he'd been carrying to Jared. We looked at each other a little confused. Where was their hostility? They didn't do anything to lessen mine.

"I will never work or fight with leeches. What fight have you brought to us?" I demanded of Bella. I knew that the doctor was the leader, but I knew Bella so I would deal with her.

Carlisle spoke calmly and respectfully, which I hadn't really expected either given how I was treating them so far. I'd have preferred them to be hostile. That I would understand. "We came to warn you that the leaders of the vampires, the Volturi, have become aware of your existence, as well as Henry's pack and because of a very old grudge that one of the brothers holds, they are coming to destroy you.

"The brothers that lead our kind have become paranoid and greedy. They find our family to be a threat, and they plan to destroy us. They found out about the friendship between Bella and both of your packs, and decided to take out _all_ the wolves before they come for us. They are hoping to eliminate some of our friends to weaken us so that we will not have others on our side when the time comes. We heard of the pending attack on your pack and your tribe which is scheduled five days from now, and we will fight alongside you to protect you and your tribe," Carlisle said.

"You told them about us, Bella?" I yelled. That was the most important thing I'd gotten from his explanation. She was a traitor! I'd kill her myself! I was vibrating and I knew I was close to phasing. I could see that Bella was suppressing the instinctual need to crouch into a defensive position, and again, I couldn't for the life of me understand why.

"Jacob, the leader has a gift of reading minds through a simple touch. He not only hears the thoughts as they go through your mind, but he can hear every thought you've ever had. He can't hear me, but he can Carlisle and Carlisle had no choice but to allow Aro to touch him." Bella said, speaking quietly but with strength in her voice.

"You see, one of the brothers was almost killed by a werewolf once and he has done his best to eliminate the entire species. They agreed that since I knew two packs of wolves it would be good strategy to eliminate you all. I will not allow that. You may not think of me as family as you once did, but I still consider all of you family. You are all my brothers and I will not abandon you. I will fight for you with my life.

"They are coming for you whether you like it or not, so we are here to fight with you to protect your pack and to protect your tribe. You have become so hateful Jacob and it saddens me. I loved you with everything I had, but when you imprinted, when you found your soul mate, I supported you every step of the way. I love Sarah like a sister and though we have never been or probably ever will be friends, I know how much you love her, so I love her as well. I will not allow any of your lives to be threatened, so I came here with as many reinforcements as I could, so that I could warn you and fight by your side," Bella said. Well…huh. What the hell am I supposed to say to that?

"Jacob, I understand that you hate vampires, and that you are bitter at the life you were born into because of the wolf genes, but you need to put your prejudices aside and think about what is important," she said.

Okay, now I was starting to get angry again.

"It was my destiny to become a vampire. That old crazy carnival gypsy was right. Now, are you going to allow us to fight by your side or will you put our petty differences between us, and risk the lives of your brothers, and the lives of your tribe? It's time to put our differences aside and fight for what is right. You are a good wolf and a good man. Don't prove me wrong, Jacob Black," she said like a mother scolding a child. Damn if I felt like a little kid about to get grounded. She walked toward me, and I was frozen in place. She finally stopped right at the treaty line, about two feet in front of me. Then she got down on her knees. As my mouth dropped open the words of the Shaman rang in my head.

"If you think I am nothing but a soulless evil being, then kill me now. Get it over with, and then you get ready because they are coming to kill you all regardless. Don't let your people down," she said and with that, she closed her eyes, and my former best friend, fiancé, and lover bared her neck to me. She made herself completely vulnerable to me. She believed that I wouldn't hurt her. She knew exactly what to say to me. She always had.

It confused me but I couldn't stand to see Bella on her knees. She should never have to lower herself to anyone. And that's when I realized that it was still her. She was a vampire, yes, but she was still…her.

"Get up, Bella," I said. I gave her my hand and helped her to her feet. We both shuddered a little at the temperature difference.

"Tell us more about what's coming."


	35. Brothers in Arms

BPOV

We were down to two days before the Volturi were due to arrive. It had been an extremely stressful couple of days. The wolves were, surprisingly, starting to open up to the vampires. This was even more surprising when they met all of our friends who had come to help. Only a portion of whom had a diet the same as ours. The Cullens' Forks home had become host to twenty-nine vampires. The La Push pack was hosting the New York werewolves, though neither party was entirely happy about the arrangement.

Carlisle and Eleazar had starting calling all of their friends and asking for their help. Even beyond those that we'd already contacted had heard rumors that something big was coming, and they were all ready and willing to stand by our side. There were many rumors from elsewhere of gifted vampires being killed after refusing to join the guard, or entire covens mysteriously disappearing overnight. It wasn't a completely new situation. These stories accumulated over the years, but when it was all added up, too many people had been affected by the Volturi's greed for power. I never did understand schoolyard bullies, but at least now we were going to work together to take them out.

Jasper's arms tightened infinitesimally right as we heard the wolves arriving. We were waiting in the big clearing that the Cullens' had played baseball in so many years ago. It felt like another lifetime, and I didn't like the feeling. I was happy with my life for the most part, and I didn't like thinking about the past so much. I still had some issues. I'd gone back to Forks before my change and made my peace and said my goodbyes. I didn't want to have to revisit the past so soon.

We all gathered in a big circle. Jasper, Carlisle, Eleazar and Demetri were at the center of the circle. They were our leaders, our strategists. It lifted my spirits to see how many of us there were. The Volturi were expecting a pack of a dozen or so wolves, consisting of mostly teenage boys. Instead they were going to be faced with twenty-nine vampires, many with extra gifts, thirty-two werewolves and fifteen shape-shifting wolves the size of horses. We definitely had the element of surprise.

"I think this will be our last strategy meeting today," Carlisle said strongly when everyone had settled. "We have already discussed the most dangerous of the guard, but we are going to go over all of it again. Demetri has just completed some sketches so you can visualize our opposition. Normally, with a group this size," he said indicating all of us, "they would not be much of a threat, but the guard is made up of trained fighters and formidable, gifted vampires. Those will be the real threats to us."

Demetri unrolled a group of drafting papers that he'd gotten from Esme. He'd drawn the important members of the guard in amazing detail and in near life-size. We started with the brothers. Carlisle and Eleazar explained the brothers' history, one by one, and Demetri filled in more current information about each one.

"Now, Marcus is the least threatening of the three. He has not been the same since his wife and mate died hundreds of years ago. He is deeply depressed and lacks any real emotion. Even if he shares our viewpoint, he is not likely to do anything about it," Carlisle concluded.

Demetri held up the sketch of Chelsea. "Chelsea needs to be one of the first to go. Her gift is creating and destroying emotional ties between people. She keeps the guard loyal to Aro and the brothers. She can destroy the bonds between coven members. The bonds of mates can be lessened, but without prolonged contact with her and her gift, it is less likely that the bonds would be destroyed.

"One of our weak points could be our bonds between species. We are all working together, but there is still tension between the vampires and the wolves. Keep this in mind. If you are mindful of her gift, it is harder for her gift to manipulate you. Harder, but not impossible. Keep concentrating on our shared goal. We are working together for the greater good. We are trusting each other. We are respecting each other. Is it perfect? Not at all, but we're trying. We _must_ try to get along. We are in this together. Keep this in mind and it may help when Chelsea is using her gift.

"Like I said though, she needs to be one of the first to be taken out. That way, she can't mess with our bonds and our loyalties but the bonds of our enemy will be weakened," Demetri said before moving on to the next picture.

"These here are the twins. They were thirteen years old when they were turned. There is rumor that they were witches before being turned. They are cold and evil. Jane's gift is formidable. She will cause you so much pain, you will wish for your death, and she does it all though her mind," Demetri said with his eyes looking off into space, shuddering a little. Obviously the mere memory of his experience with her gift was enough to make an impact on him. I'd noticed that his Italian accent also became more pronounced as he became more emotionally involved in his descriptions of his former 'co-workers'.

He continued, "The only up side to Jane is that she is only able to affect one person at a time. Her twin, Alec, numbs all senses so that you will not even feel it when they kill you. Between the two, he is the one we will want to eliminate first. Jane's gift is awful, but Alec can make every single one of us completely unaware and unable to defend ourselves. He _must_ be one of the first eliminated as well. The only plus side is that his gift takes a little time to build up. It's not instantaneous like Jane's gift."

Demetri held up the next drawing to reveal a handsome man around thirty years of age at the time of his turning. "Jack is a tracker like me, though his gift is different. His gift is more like a combination of tracking and precognition. He focuses in on a person and then he can see where someone will be at a certain point in time. It's much less precise than my gift and Aro finds the mechanics of his gift to be irritating, so he is not often used. Not that he's had much of a chance to use his gift. He is a young vampire, so is less stable and less predictable."

The next drawing was revealed. "Renata is gifted with a physical shield and is a personal guard to Aro. Her gift requires touch, so she must be touching Aro to protect him. Aro does not do much fighting and is bringing a large guard, so he should not be much of a threat. She is not a high priority target in our offensive."

"Aro's gift of course, is telepathy, but it requires physical contact, so do not allow Aro to touch you."

Demetri continued going through twenty more of the guard, all gifted with varying extra talents and skills. The prospect of the fight was daunting, but there was nothing we could do about it.

When we were finished with the briefing portion of our planning session we started to get ready for sparring. We mixed up the pairings and the species every time we sparred. The wolves fought both in their human and wolf forms.

I had paired up with Meredith, one of the New York werewolves. She had her wild brown hair tied back in a messy pony tail and was wearing army fatigues. She was preparing to lunge when I saw Jacob approaching us. Of course, Meredith attacked right then and knocked me straight to the ground and had her teeth at my neck before I'd really realized what had happened. My instincts kicked in, and I snarled as I shoved her face away from me with one hand and with the other, I hit her square in the chest, throwing her some forty feet away from me.

I jumped to my feet, ready for her to attack again. I shook my head a little trying to deny my instinct to attack and kill. Meredith was watching me warily, looking like she was ready to shift into a wolf to protect herself if need be.

"I'm sorry," I called out. She shook her head.

"It's okay, Bella. You are still young and I caught you off-guard," Meredith said as she walked up to me, though she was still a little wary.

"I'm finally starting to keep myself in check, even when my instincts take over, but I still don't like it. At least it's getting better," I explained.

"I know that feeling. When I first became a werewolf, I had little control over it. It was a couple of years before I could go out in society again, but even longer than that before I felt comfortable," she explained. I finally felt myself relax.

"I'm so glad that my change wasn't like that. Maybe it's because it's genetic for us. I'm not sure how they would've handle that many completely out of control teenage werewolves. We still had to be careful of course and make sure our anger didn't get out of control, but at least we only had to separate ourselves from society for a week or so," Jake explained. I was surprised he was actually adding to the conversation, and respectfully at that.

"I wish mine had been like that," Meredith said wistfully, "although it did get better when you recommended yoga to Henry," she joked.

Jake laughed loudly. "I'd like to have seen that."

"Laugh all you want, Jake. Yoga is good for you. It kept me sane," I said.

He looked at me closely, scrutinizing me.

"Why did you become a vampire, Bella? You can't have a normal human life now. You should have gotten married, had kids, had a career... Now you drink blood. You're not human anymore. Why would you do this?" Jake asked. He was far more sad than angry at this point, which I guess was a plus, but I still didn't like it.

"Jake, there was a prophecy about me. This is my destiny and do you really expect me to deny my destiny?" I asked and then sighed, knowing he would probably never understand.

"But you're one of _them_ now. You are my enemy!" he said passionately. At least it wasn't an angry outburst.

"Is that why you hate me so much?" I asked. "Even before I was changed, when I came here with Jasper at Christmas…you were so angry. I can't be what you want me to be, Jake, and you really don't have a say in my life anymore."

Jake looked like he was grasping for arguments. "But you should have had a family, kids. Don't you want that?"

"Everyone keeps telling me that I should have a career, a human husband and children, but nobody actually stops to think about what I might have wanted for my life. I just simply don't care about those things as much as a 'normal' woman would, I guess. I almost married _you_. Where did that get me? You left me weeks before the wedding. After that, I _did_ find a nice simple human to be with. He was worse than the werewolf and vampire combined. And kids? I never wanted kids Jake, but I got pregnant anyway. Then my baby died and I had a hysterectomy. Y'all might have had big plans for my future, but I didn't. The normal human future didn't work out so well for me. Are you going to blame me for finding whatever happiness I did? Are you going to blame me for it now? Make me regret my life now?

"Jake, I never wanted all this shit that happened to me, but in the process, I found a family and a mate that understands me more than anyone. I barely knew him back when we all lived in Forks, but we slowly fell in love and I would do anything for him, and I know he would do the same. It was all worth it."

"So what about you, Jake? Why do you have so much anger inside of you? Why do you hate so vehemently? Why do you hold onto the darkness?" I asked.

"You know nothing," he scoffed.

"You never have been willing to hear the things that you don't like. Do you really _want_ to be an angry, bitter person?" I asked.

"I'm not an angry person most of the time. You've just always known how to push my buttons," Jake snapped.

"Well too fucking bad, Jake. I care about you too much to let you live like that, and Sarah deserves better from her mate," I stated and then I put my hand on his chest, feeling the scorching heat and the steady rhythm of his beating heart. I was appreciative again that the wolves smelled too bad for their blood to be appetizing.

Jake tried to pull away from my touch, but I grabbed his arm to keep him in place. I reached out in my mind to get a hold of the pain and darkness that covered his soul. I'd healed a couple of the werewolves, but Jake was the first of the shape-shifters that I had healed. Each species feels different to me. For both types of wolves, it was easier to heal with my hand over their heart. I wasn't sure why, but I was guessing that it was because I needed to feel the life beating their life-force through their bodies. The way the wolves' souls responded to me differed, but once I figured out how to manipulate it, I pulled the darkness away from Jake and let it up into the air, managing to only minimally take the darkness into myself.

Jake gasped like he couldn't catch his breath. "You're welcome," I said and then I tilted my head toward Meredith to indicate that we should spar. She'd been quite patient during our little conversation.

Jake stayed, frozen in place for several minutes before he finally stumbled off toward a couple of his pack members that were off to the side chatting. He finally lost the shocked face and replacing it with a stupid grin. His aura was shining and bright and it made me feel good.

Meredith and I sparred for about two hours before we called it a draw, shook hands and went off to find new partners. I saw Paul from the La Push pack was waiting for a partner, so I made my way over to him. We'd never gotten along very well and he blamed me for pretty much anything related to vampires. He especially blamed me for the death of his pack brothers when Victoria and her Newborns ravaged La Push.

Paul looked predatory when he agreed to spar with me. I glanced over at Jake and he was looking at me pleadingly, his eyes darting between Paul and me. As much pain as Jake had put me through, as much pain as the entire pack had put me through, I would do anything for them. I'd been an honorary member of the pack way back when. They were my brothers and I would do anything for my family, even the family members that I didn't like all that much. I nodded to Jake just slightly, in acknowledgement, and then started our duel. It took an hour, but I finally pinned Paul and I placed my hand over his heart. I closed my eyes and even then I could visualize the darkness covering his aura.

I often could feel the emotions that went along with the experiences that damaged the person's soul, but for the first time, I saw flashes of his childhood. His drunken father. His attempts as a child to please his father. His attempts to make a drunken, bitter man love his son. He had so much anger and so much sorrow. The sorrow was so far down that the pack members, with their pack mind, probably couldn't sense that part of his anger, but I could. I could feel it as if it was my own. I pulled it from him and I touched his soul with my own to let him feel some positive emotions.

I was so wrapped up in these unfamiliar, overwhelming feelings that I didn't feel him struggling against me until it was too late. I was thrown across the clearing; farther than I would have thought he was physically capable of throwing me. I had managed to heal his pain before he threw me, but this time the darkness seeped into _me_, infecting my emotions, infecting my soul. I howled in pain at the feelings of sorrow, worthlessness, hopelessness and despair that were consuming me. I cried out in anguish, pulling at my hair hoping that the physical pain would somehow lessen the emotional pain.

I could sense motion around me, but nothing mattered but the pain until my mate pulled me into his arms.

"Bella, my love, please talk to me. Please!" Jasper pleaded with me.

"Bella, you should have asked me to be there. You know that this happens sometimes."

I tried, but I couldn't open my eyes to look at my mate. I concentrated and finally I was able to see his aura, without having to open my eyes. I touched his soul and his soul reached out to me and it comforted me. I finally could feel the calm, peace and love that I was sure he'd been trying to flood me with the whole time.

He petted my hair and the majority of the pain I'd absorbed from Paul was finally released from me. I thought Jasper may have taken some of my pain, but I couldn't be sure since I was nearly delirious.

I finally opened my eyes when I heard a squealing animal and hoofs kicking into the earth; a desperate animal trying to escape its death. My reliable hunter, Emmett, had brought me a deer. I had so little strength left, he and Jasper ended up having to snap the poor animal's neck and they held her neck to my mouth so I could drink.

I drank as much as I could from the doe, holding her body up in the air so I could get every drop available. When I was done, I dropped the carcass to the ground and though breathing was actually unnecessary as a vampire, I breathed quickly, feeling out of breath.

"Bella, you okay?" Paul asked. I looked up at him and nodded, suddenly self-conscious at how crazy I must look to everyone. It was presumptuous of me to heal him without permission. A soul is a very personal thing and I touched his soul. I was now feeling as if I'd raped his soul.

"Jake explained what you did. Thank you," he said in a small, quiet voice. I could smell salt in the air and realized he was crying.

"I'm sorry, Paul. I shouldn't have done that without your permission. I had no right to violate you like that," I scrambled to explain.

"No, Bella. I'm sorry, I threw you. I couldn't understand what was happening to me…but I feel better than I can remember ever feeling before. Thank you, Sister," he said.

"I would do anything for my family, Paul," I said. He nodded deeply to me and then got up and walked back to his pack.

Jasper helped me to my feet and I assured the crowd that had gathered that I was alright.

Carlisle called out and got our attention. "Let's call it a night. We will meet here again tomorrow for our final day of practice and planning. For tonight, let us spend our time with our loved ones."

ooo000ooo

After going for a hunt, Jasper spent that night making me feel much loved, over and over. Most of the mated vampires reassured their mates in a similar manner, though Emmett suggested that Jasper may have been part of the reason for that. I had to say that made me a little proud, that our love was so full that he couldn't help but project it.

As we were all chatting on our final day of practice, we suddenly all turned, as one big group, toward the trees. They were coming and they were a day early.

"They are here," Eleazar said, unnecessarily, but his voice brought us out of our temporary shock. We got into position as we had planned. Half of both packs of wolves were in wolf form. When the fight was about to begin the rest would phase. It was a good thing that it was close to the full moon, since the true Werewolves did depend on the cycle of the moon.

Vampires, Werewolves, and Shape-shifters were standing together to defend our right to live our lives.

I was scared out of my mind. There was a good chance that some of us would not survive this encounter, if any of us survived at all. I felt a wave of confidence and I looked over at Jasper appreciatively. It was time to be strong and that's what I would be.

The guard came out first, forty members, surrounding the brothers as they all walked toward us as a group. There was a crowd of other vampires behind them, not guard members, but looking angry and dangerous all the same.

When they got to the point of being uncomfortably close, the guard, moved back a little and Aro stepped forward.

"Carlisle, Eleazar, my old friends. It appears that my suspicions were true. You have come with a great army, even employing Werewolves to defeat us. You will not succeed. Surrender now and we will not kill you all," Aro said. Caius growled menacingly until Aro put his hand on Caius' arm.

Maggie hissed quietly under her breath, using her gift to see Aro's lie. I was focusing on our opposition's auras. My gift was growing, or at least I was learning the finer aspects of it. I could see who was worth saving and who was lost to the darkness. I could feel who could be healed and who lived for the darkness inside of them. I could sense many things, and the most surprising to me was Marcus. I yearned to help him, but I wasn't sure how to go about that.

"We plan no such thing, Aro. We heard of your plan to exterminate the wolves. We could not let them face death alone. They have as much right as anyone to live their lives. They have committed no wrongs. You have grown paranoid in your old age Aro. You have killed members of Carlisle's family with minimal explanation, and we have heard many stories of your ruthlessness with flimsy charges of wrongdoing. You have stepped too far, Aro and we _cannot_ and _will not_ let it continue like this," Eleazar stated in a loud, strong voice.

"Demetri, you said that you would meet us here, but I didn't realize what side of this fight you would be on. You and your mate will pay for betraying us," Aro said in an ice-cold voice and then turned back to Eleazar and Carlisle.

"If you will not step down, you have signed your own death warrants. Guard!" Aro shouted.

All hell broke loose as the guard came to attention. Those with gifts got to work and those with fighting skills came charging forward. I forced back my fear and readied myself to fight.


	36. It all comes tumbling down

Being in the middle of a battle is a surreal kind of thing. There is no preparation that can truly ready you for it. We'd been practicing and sparring amongst ourselves in preparation for a while, but to actually see my friends and family fighting to the death was terrifying to me, not that I actually had much time to really think about it. I did curse the fact that I could think of it at all, with the super multitasking vampire brain I now had. It was like everything was moving at super speed and in slow motion at the same time. Everything was happening so quickly around me, but I was able to see the details of the fights around me as I participated in my own.

To my left, Peter and Charlotte along with a mated pair of Werewolves took down Chelsea quickly, while a dozen others from our side went after those trying to protect Chelsea and Aro. The guard members trying to fend off the attack seemed surprised that Chelsea was targeted so quickly. It was almost comical when their look of surprise turned to confusion as they were released from Chelsea's gift. They halted where they were, and watched absently as her head landed on the ground and rolled away from her body. I had to admit that it was a bit surreal to see.

At the same time, to my right, Jasper, Carlisle and Esme took on Alec and he was quickly defeated. Alec was trying to use his gift, and I could see the fog started to surround the three members of my family, but they were on him before Alec had a chance to get his gift to full power, and he was torn apart. Carlisle and Esme looked devastated to be fighting, but there was acceptance in their eyes. They knew they were doing what had to be done, but they mourned the loss of life at the same time.

Kate, Garrett, Jake, Henry and I went together to take down Jane. We had to fight off numerous guards as we headed toward her, and our back up came to our aid. A team of Werewolves and Shape-shifting wolves cleared the way for us and we were able to quickly and efficiently kill her. She used her gift on the others around me, one at a time, but her perverse 'gift' did not work on me. The others reeled at being tortured in such a way, needing time to recover after every strike of her gift, so I had become even more valuable to the endeavor to take her down.

When I had scanned the guard, before the fighting broke out, I tried to find those who were worth saving. Yes, it sounds a lot like playing God, but I knew a lot of people were going to die either way. If we won, I wanted to save who we could. There were those that were only there because of Chelsea's gift. That was glaringly obvious when she died, and a definite blow to the other side. I felt bad about her death, because Chelsea was not overtaken with evil. She had a relatively light aura. She believed in what she was doing. She was doing what she thought was right. It seemed a shame to me that she had to die, but she was a great part of what was holding the Volturi together, and we were fighting for our lives. Her death probably should have bothered me more than it did. I was smart enough to know that she had to be eliminated.

Jane on the other hand, she was pure evil. She had been hurt deeply; I could see that. She had so much pain inside of her. I could feel and see it, and it would have made me pity her, but she enjoyed the pain of others. She took great pleasure in torturing people with her gift, and she wanted nothing more than to cause people to suffer. She was so little and appeared so young, but I felt nothing but relief when we overwhelmed her and tore her to pieces.

I heard a couple of the La Push wolves howling, a haunting sound, and knew without having to look that one of their brothers had fallen in battle. It was considered an honorable death, but I was filled with sorrow. Both packs of wolves doubled their efforts and the fights continued on. Jasper had come back to my side, but he heard Esme scream and saw that Carlisle and Esme were in trouble, so he darted off to help them.

Felix, of the guard, tackled me while I was distracted, but I was able to quickly throw him off. His fighting skills and approach were so much like Emmett, probably due to them both relying so much on their brute strength. Emmett enjoyed sparring so much that quite a bit of my fighting experience was with him, and it turned out that fighting Felix was easier than I would have expected. I kicked and punched and dodged his strikes, but then I heard Rosalie screaming in pain, and Felix took the opportunity to gain the upper hand. He managed to get behind me and started squeezing, using that brute strength that just moments before seemed no problem. I could feel my bones buckling under his strength and I felt his teeth at my neck. After all my near-death experiences and all the things I had been through in my tumultuous life, for the first time, I was truly afraid to die.

It is true what they say about your life flashing before your eyes. The part of my life that I was faced with was my times with Jasper and the Cullens. I saw Jasper and the sweet smile he gave me when he was up to something. The look of pure happiness on his face every time I told him that I loved him. The almost sickeningly-sweet looks of love between Rose and Emmett. The love and support of Carlisle and Esme. The feeling of finally belonging. The feeling of family. The feeling of being complete with my mate.

I was afraid to die.

I felt the world go black but only for a moment. I heard a horrifying roar and smiled. If I were to die, my mate would avenge me.

Felix was ripped off of me and torn apart before I even realize what had happened. Jasper had me in his arms a second later, searching me for life-threatening wounds. I could feel his relief, and his remaining fear, and I let my love flow over him.

"Rose?" I asked.

"Emmett took care of it. A couple of the guard attacked her when he was distracted with his own fight, but he took care of them all," Jasper said, the pride clear in his voice.

We saw more of Aro's dwindling guard coming toward us, and we went back to the fight. It seemed like it was never ending. It didn't matter how many we took out, more kept coming. I was vaguely aware that the majority of the non-guard the Volutri had brought with them, had backed off from the fight, watching like it was a sports event.

The battle field was gruesome, though I was too busy to really think about it very much. There were several bodies of naked men and one woman as far as I could see. I knew they were dead, their bodies having returned to their human state after death. Vampire body parts littered the ground, and the blood of wolves seeped into the earth. There was one small fire burning at the edge of the clearing, but the fighting was too intense to worry about disposing of the bodies and finishing the job.

"Enough!" Aro finally cried and the fighting quickly ceased. I stayed at Jasper's side as both sides moved back to regroup. We were all relieved for a halt to the bloodshed, but we were all still wary and ready for attack.

Jasper and I ended up at the front line as the sides formed once again, and I turned my focus back onto the Volturi brothers with my gift. As I was standing there, the devastating effects of a full-blown war evident around me, I had an epiphany of sorts. In this opportune moment of clarity, I finally understood my place in the world, my place in the supernatural world. I understood what had happened that lead to this…unrest and…greed for power and control. For a moment I wondered if I was channeling Alice's gift and I instinctually knew what had to be done.

I was ready to meet my destiny.

**JPOV**

I was surprised Aro called for a halt to the fighting. There were a lot of losses on both sides, but it was clearly going in our favor. We had gained the upper hand, and those that were remaining in the fight on the Volturi's side were wavering in their loyalty. Some at the edge of the clearing had fled, and the 'angry mob' Aro had brought along were not joining in the fight, and in many cases were joining us in our cause.

I felt many jolts of recognition from the 'mob' as they recognized friends and allies that were fighting with us on our side. Carlisle also had a well-known reputation for his peaceful, democratic ways and I knew he was respected by others of our kind. Many thought he was a little crazy as well, for feeding from animals, but he was respected at the same time. The anguish he felt as he was forced to defend himself was glaringly obvious. He did not want to kill but he was forced into this position. That fact was not missed by the crowd watching.

Aro began to talk, trying to convince us that the only way we would live was to surrender. I barely heard him. He'd always spoken more for his own benefit anyway. I couldn't stop my hands from moving over Bella's body, my instincts shouting at me to make sure that my mate was truly unharmed. It had been close. It had been _far_ too close, and I couldn't bear to think of what might have been.

Regardless of my pulling on her, Bella slowly started making her way over to Marcus. She didn't even seem the slightest bit aware of me trying to pull her back. I growled low in my throat at the idea of her putting herself in danger, but Carlisle placed his hand on my right shoulder, Esme put her hand on my left and then finally, I let go of my mate's hand. It felt like my heart was being ripped out.

There was no way to explain it, but I knew I had to let her go. Beth had told me once that this would happen, and I knew I needed to trust in that. It didn't make it any easier; not at all.

"You need to trust your mate, Jasper," Carlisle said so quietly I was sure I was the only one that had heard him.

"I know that pain, Marcus," Bella said in a whisper as she stopped in front of him. He looked at her with his trademark bored look. He was primarily apathetic, barely interested at all in her bizarre behavior. Aro was screaming at Bella to stay away, but we, our family blocked his way to her.

I glance briefly around us and everyone around us was too intrigued with what was happening to do anything to stop it. It was like a train wreck. No matter how much you want to, you can't look away.

Marcus looked deep into her eyes and Bella placed her hands gently on both sides of his face. She leaned in close and the mask he always wore, started to fade. He looked deeply into my mates eyes and I could see the power she had trapped him in.

"I _know_," she whispered, her soft voice barely carried in the wind.

As though in slow motion, Marcus collapsed in Bella's arms. They both fell to the ground as Marcus clung to her, sobbing for all his years of pain. Bella's gift had evolved to the point that when she was healing someone, I could only feel a shadow of their emotions, but this one I understood. This one I knew well. The pain that one felt when one lost their life's mate. His unending life without the one thing he had lived for. He tilted his head back and cried out with an inhuman scream of anguish, and the world was silent around us as though paying respect to this broken man and his pain.

"I can take away the pain, my friend," Bella whispered. She seemed afraid to break the spell of the moment.

"I do not want to go on. I cannot take this existence any more. If you care at all, woman, you will be compassionate and end my misery," he cried out.

"Shh," she breathed. She held him close and rocked him slowly and we were all astonished at what happened right before our eyes. Bella and Marcus both began to glow, an aura of a rainbow of colors surrounding them, and we could see as Bella's aura reached for him and felt for his soul. He was so consumed with darkness and pain. They both looked like the darkness was threatening to smother them completely. I could feel Bella, though a muted version of her emotions. She was grieving with him. She felt his pain and emptiness as surely as it was her own. I felt his desire to end it all, both through him and through my mate. I felt his anger and his suspicion. Bella had her eyes closed tightly, as she comforted and healed Marcus. As we all watched with rapt attention, she appeared to look over Marcus' shoulder, focusing on Aro and Caius, despite the fact that she could not physically see them with her eyes shut. I wondered briefly if she could really see them, in her own way. I felt a wave of realization and understanding from my mate and then a wave of fury, before she pushed the emotions back down.

We all watched, transfixed as Bella wrapped her soul around Marcus and broke through the darkness. She filled him with light from herself and she took his pain inside of her. He gasped in surprise and I envied his complete peace, having had that wondrous experience myself once before. Bella stood up, struggling to control herself. We could still see the darkness and we could see the anger swirling around her. Like by magic, none of us could tear our eyes from the sight and the only sound for miles was the beating hearts of the wolves.

Bella walked toward Aro and Caius, so focused on her goal that she appeared completely oblivious to her surroundings. It was as though she were in a trance. It was as though all of us-over a hundred vampires, werewolves and shape-shifters- were held captive in a trance.

Bella lifted her hand, pointing at the brothers. Her body was glowing red with her fury and a slight wind had started around her as she became more agitated. Trusting my instincts, my body moved of its own volition toward my mate. My place was at her side.

"Your treachery knows no limits. You claim to protect us, but you are the ones we need protection from. Your own brother!" she screamed in rage and every single one of us trembled with the power of her voice.

"You killed his mate to keep him at your side and you destroyed the man you called brother. You took away his reason to live, his _will_ to live, and yet you forced him to continue his empty existence by your side, serving your causes. You know _nothing_ of pain, brothers," she screamed out, "but you will," she ended softly. There was a lethal promise of retribution in her voice and her words, the finality of her tone more effective in creating terror than the simple words.

For the first time, Bella noticed me standing behind her. Her eyes were pained. "Jasper, I need your love," she gasped out.

I used the full power of my gift, forcing my intense love into my mate. I pulled the feelings of love from our family and friends and I sent it all to her. The sorrow that had been threatening to drown her started to move away and seconds later, we could all see the darkness that Bella had taken from Marcus, as well as the darkness that she had deep inside, churning around her, like a storm, forcing me to take a step back. It clung to her like a parasite not wanting to let go, and for a second I wondered if it was just that, a parasite.

The darkness finally separated from Bella's aura, and it descended on Aro and Caius as they screamed with the pain of it. I had witnessed a lot in my vampire life. Many of the things I had seen and experienced no man should ever have to see, but the sound of the brothers as the pain and darkness of the Soul, was more torturous than anything I had ever bared witness to. They fell to the ground, ripping at their own skin trying to escape from their punishment.

I looked at my mate in complete and utter awe. There was nothing sexier than seeing my mate using her gift. In one breath she healed a man that had been suffering for centuries and in the next she punished the ones who had caused the pain in the first place. It was breathtaking, and as inappropriate as it was at the moment, I wanted nothing more than to ravish my mate and show her my love. Like I said, inappropriate, but what can I say? It was sexy.

There was no reprieve for the brothers. They continued to shriek in agony and despair and Bella turned to address the watching crowd.

"If you continue to fight us, you will all die. We will no longer allow those that abuse their power to dictate our lives, but do not think that this is a chance for lawlessness. We will no longer tolerate cruel behavior from our kinds. We will not destroy another species," she said forcefully, looking toward the wolves, "simply because we can or we want to. Let us have peace. Let us live our lives in peace. Let us live."

There was nothing but the sound of the brothers' cries for several minutes as the finality of the situation was absorbed.

"What do we do now? Who do we answer to?" someone called out.

"Now? We live our lives. We answer to each other. Do not forget your humanity. We were all human once and we will not maim and torture just because we can. We will not be school yard bullies like our former leaders. It will no longer be tolerated. There are alternatives to killing humans to live, but if you do not wish to try our diet, you will not be forced to change it. There are plenty of murderers and rapists out there to live on. We can make the world a better place to live."

I was so proud of my mate. She was so beautiful inside and out. She was standing up for what she believed in. She had been stepped on over and over, but she was standing up for what she believed was right and her passion was contagious.

"We can start to not only exist, but to _live_," Bella said passionately and I projected her feelings of optimism to the crowd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the fight met expectations! Thanks for reading!


	37. The Aftermath

**BPOV**

The fight, though intense, really hadn't taken very long. The real challenge began after we agreed to stop fighting. There were a couple vampires with missing limbs, so the appendages were found and the fusing process begun. I was horrified to see that Rose had lost an arm, but Emmett had saved her life and was now nursing his mate back to health. Demetri's mate, Anna, had been nearly fatally injured, but they were able to start fusing the gashes in her skin back together and her neck was healing. Several people from both sides of the conflict went out to find animals for the more severely injured and it helped alleviate the remaining tension of the fight.

There were some on our side that were lost. Maggie, Liam, and Alistair, were all gone, and I felt terrible for the thought, but I was relieved my family was alright. At the same time, my heart ached for Siobhan, who had been Liam's mate. She cried out in agony, the sound full of utter despair. Losing her mate, and Maggie her coven sister, left Siobhan with no one close to comfort her. Esme took it upon herself to comfort Siobhan. They did not know each other well, but Esme had a big heart and would do her best to help. I wanted to help Siobhan with my gift, but it was too soon for me to be of much use to her. Some things you have to do for yourself, and grieving a mate is one of them.

The La Push wolves had lost two. Paul and Tyler, a wolf I hadn't known well, were bitten during the battle and were poisoned by the vampire venom that coursed through their veins. I had never known that vampire venom would not change them but was a poison to their bodies. I felt bad for them both, but especially Paul. It was strange to me…maybe surreal would be the right word…that Paul and I had never gotten along, yet I was shocked at the pain of his death. I had gotten to know him in a way when I healed him. I had gotten to know his soul, and knew he was a good man. He had a lot of chips on his shoulders, and anger issues, but underneath that all, he was a good man. I grieved his loss.

There were also two of the New York Wolves that had fallen in battle. Rachel and Henry had been killed by a couple of Caius' guard specially trained in killing wolves. It was very bloody and truly horrifying. Henry, though we hadn't really been terribly close, had watched out for me when I was at a very low place in my life. We accepted each other for who we were. We were friends. He deserved better than what he got, but he was a brave wolf and died an honorable death.

An 'honorable death' was something it took me a long time to understand, for when can death possibly be a positive thing? It was after Victoria and her newborns attacked La Push and my family that I truly understood the honor in falling in battle defending your loved ones, defending the lives and beliefs you hold close to your heart. I truly understood the bravery required to do the right thing, to fight evil, and to be willing to give your life to protect another.

These men and women did not die in vain. They died to protect the lives of their friends and family. They died to protect their right to _live_ their lives. They died to stop a group of overgrown school-yard bullies from massacring an entire species. They were brave and their deaths would be honored. I would not let them be forgotten. Their names, _all_ their names, would be remembered.

As the injured were being tended to, and the wolves were collecting their fallen soldiers, Jasper and I, along with several others, looked through the torn apart vampire bodies to look for those that might still be able to be healed. There were none. We built fires and burned the vampires that had been destroyed. There was no satisfaction in burning what used to be our enemy. We mourned all the lives lost and were thankful it was not more.

Marcus sat on the sidelines, observing silently. He no longer looked completely apathetic, but he looked like he just couldn't figure out what to do with himself. I was happy to see that he was no longer suicidal. As he observed, he finally noticed Esme comforting Siobhan, and after some time watching them, he made his way over, and silently took Siobhan into his arms. He knew better than most, the pain she was in.

When things settled down, one of the first decisions to make was what to do with Aro and Caius, who continued to wail and writhe on the ground. Most of us were able to ignore it, but we all knew something needed to be done.

"Young one, can you stop whatever you are doing to them?" Demetri asked.

"I'm not doing anything anymore," I said shrugging. "I gave them Marcus' pain along with my own. Nothing more, nothing less. They will probably eventually get used to it. We did," I said and then turned away from the sight, trying to feel something other than a self-righteous sense of justice.

I did feel bad for what they were experiencing, but if we were all being honest, they had brought it upon themselves. They had abused their power, and destroyed countless vampires without a second thought. They had killed, maimed, tortured, and felt that they were well within their rights to do so because of their overinflated egos.

My gift had at some point evolved into something entirely new and it no longer took every last bit of energy I had. I could see and feel the experiences that had caused the injury to the person's soul, so as I looked at Marcus, I knew what had happened that made him that way. He'd had his suspicions about who had actually killed her, but he had no way to prove his theory, and eventually lost all hope, and had become utterly apathetic.

Then as I held Marcus as he finally let out his grief, I looked over toward Marcus' brothers, and I knew the whole story. I could see it as though I was there with them as it happened…no…as though I _was_ them _as_ it happened. I felt their emotions, or rather lack of emotion, as they arranged the murder of their brother's wife and then carried it out themselves. They wanted his complete loyalty, and through Aro's gift they knew that his loyalty lay with his wife. Aro knew the couple wanted to leave Italy and live their own lives, away from the politics and turmoil. They had killed Marcus's wife so that he would not leave them to be alone with his wife. Then they forced him to stay when he lost all will to live.

As I had continued to look at them, I could see even more of their past deeds, each of which made a mark on their souls, regardless of their personal feelings on the situations. They killed Alice and Edward because they would not join them. They used Edward's grief over my death to get a rise out of him, and force both Alice and Edward to choose between serving on the guard, or death. They killed without remorse, and Aro took pleasure in the phone call he made to inform Carlisle of his son and daughter's 'tragic demise'. The look on Edward's face when he asked to die…the pleasure Aro took in his pain…the guilt Edward felt as they killed Alice in front of him, tearing her apart and throwing the pieces in the fire…

The images started flipping through my mind at a dizzying speed, even with my sharp and quick vampire mind. Vampires tortured…wolves being hunted down almost to the point of extinction…humans hunted, tortured, murdered, or turned against their will…viscous behavior from vampires upon humans was condoned and even encouraged as some sick, demented way of proving vampire superiority…vampires forced into the Volturi's service after being given the choice of an existence of servitude or death…women, both vampire and human, raped and brutalized as punishment, as a message, or just because they could…

The images screamed at me in my mind, forcing me to see and experience exactly what the Volturi had accomplished during their reign of power, and the complete, and utter lack of remorse, or guilt. I was sickened and I did not hesitate a moment to make sure they got what was coming to them. They would be forced to experience our pain as their own. They would truly know what devastation they had caused on people's lives. I felt no pity. I felt no remorse. I thought that perhaps if I was a better person, I would feel remorse, but I was also a big believer in Karma. They got what was coming to them. The guilt I was sure would come, did not. I only felt the satisfaction of justice.

The memory of it was overwhelming me again, and I was barely aware of Jasper leading me into the forest. I pounced on the first animal I came across, a small fox, and quickly drained him of his blood. I followed Jasper, and found him feeding on a huge grizzly, nicely fattened up in preparation for winter. He looked up at me over the animal, his mouth never releasing its grip on the animal's neck, and he motioned for me to join him. Not once since my change, had we shared a kill. We'd hunted together and fed in close proximity to each other, but we had never shared.

I knelt down on the other side of the animal and then sank my teeth into the neck. My eyes never left my mate. It was a surprisingly sensual experience, and I could taste both the animal, and my mate on my tongue. We both let the animal drop when we had drained it of all its blood, and the emotional connection between us rose to a fevered pitch. Between my gift and his, our emotions and our auras mixing, we became one.

Jasper took my hand and we ran further into the woods until we couldn't resist the physical pull any longer. Jasper lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around him. Our lips crashed together, our utmost passion, love, and devotion wholly consuming us. Our hands caressed and explored, needing the physical affirmation that our mate was still there, that _we_ were still whole. I couldn't seem to get enough physical contact with Jasper. Even when our clothes 'magically disappeared' and our bodies joined, we couldn't get close enough.

We continued to grasp at each other, desperate to feel each other. We sought out those places that drove each other wild; the spot by my hip that was always so sensitive, Jasper's earlobe, the flesh behind my knee, Jasper's collarbone… Our emotions were so strong as it was, but we started pushing our passion toward each other until we couldn't take any more. I reached out with my soul and touched Jasper's, and then our very souls joined. It was more than either of us could take and with one final thrust, we both cried out with the force of our release and screamed each others names.

We stayed wrapped up in each others arms for an infinite amount of time, shuddering with the impact of our union. It was like nothing else I had ever experienced, and I never wanted to let it go. I never wanted to let him go. I never wanted my soul parted from his,

"Darlin', there are no words to describe you. I love you more than anything. You are the most amazing, passionate woman, and I am the luckiest man on earth. You give me everything I want, and everything I need, and everything I didn't even know I could have. You consume my every thought. You taught me to love myself and you healed me in such a profound way, I never could have imagined possible. You have helped me feel like me again, and you accept me, and love me for everything I am. There is nothing in the world more beautiful than your smile, and I never want to let you go. I am so proud of you and so in awe of you," Jasper said quietly in my ear and I shivered.

"This isn't how I was planning on doing this, Sugar, but will you be my wife? I want you to have my name. I want you to wear my ring. I want to make love to you as my wife," Jasper growled as he nipped at my neck.

There are a lot of cute things I could think of to say, there were a lot of cheesy things I could think of to say, but there was only one word that mattered. "Yes."

We made love one more time under the stars. We were both reluctant to return to the group but eventually we did. We first ran to the house, where Rose had been thoughtful enough to leave some clothes at the edge of the tree-line so we could have a small feeling of modesty. I was not relishing the idea of running through the house naked, especially with the possibility of dozens of guests.

It turned out that most of our group were in the clearing. With so many people, we needed the space it provided. It was probably a good idea to have the discussions in the open air as well, as we all knew it could get heated. Marcus looked…at peace as he stood at the edge of a smoldering fire, poking the dying embers with a long stick. I could smell the pungent sweet smell of vampire in the smoke, and knew he'd made his decision as to the fate of his brothers.

I turned my attention to the crowd, and I wasn't surprised to see that the arguing had obviously started before we returned.

"So who do we put in charge then? You?" a former Volturi guard member named Godfrey asked Carlisle, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Perhaps a _real_ vampire would be better suited to lead us," Samuel said with sarcasm as well. Samuel had been part of the 'mob' the Volturi had brought along, but had not participated in actual fighting. "A vampire that does not go against his nature to live off beasts of the forest."

"_I_ am a _real_ vampire," Godfrey said, puffing his chest out. "Perhaps I should lead."

"You? You are not even a hundred years old," Jason yelled out. He was another of the 'mob'.

Arguing broke out among the various vampires and things were getting heated when I finally got fed up.

"We have finally gotten rid of the ruling school-yard bullies, and now _you_ all are acting like children. You are arguing about who is man enough to lead. Maybe this will be better to decide who to lead – by penis size? Better yet, why don't we have the women take over leadership? Perhaps something would actually be done right then," I yelled.

Some were looking contrite, and others looked like they were having a hard time not laughing, but my irritation level was so high I couldn't just let them continue like that. Nothing was getting accomplished.

"Y'all are hundreds of years old and you are acting live five year old children. Get over yourselves!" I huffed.

"She's right. Let us start acting our ages," Demetri said and finally the crowd settled down. Ideas were thrown around, and soon we had a basic framework for the new government.

Instead of having a group of leaders in one place, the world would be divided up into areas, with leaders appointed for each area. The areas would be subdivided if so desired. The leaders of each area would rule together, each responsible for their own territory, but all would answer to the other leaders as well. No one would be autonomous and there would be term limits. That would, hopefully, keep corruption in check. After a period of adjustment, the possibility of elections would be considered.

I was surprised at how fast my ideas of including others of the supernatural community in the new government were accepted. There was talk of the government we were developing becoming more of a supernatural government rather than just a vampire government. Both packs of wolves wanted and needed to decide amongst themselves if they wanted to be involved. The thing that took off pretty fast is that we were all just trying to live our lives, and we were only hurting each other by bickering and fighting amongst ourselves. The Quileute's became wolves to protect their tribe from predators, but as we discussed this openly as a group, not many liked feeding on anything other than criminals. It was interesting watching each side explain their viewpoints, and everyone else actually listening. There were wolves that looked close to tears hearing stories of vampires losing control, and they started understanding the self-hatred that many had for themselves, when overtaken by the bloodlust. The guilt that many had even when living off murderers and rapists surprised some of the wolves.

When one of the newer La Push wolves started growling at the story of a red-headed teenage girl recounting how she'd killed her little sister when she awoke as a newborn, I stared him down.

"What would you say to Emily then?" I asked him. "She and Sam, even after he has stopped phasing, have a permanent reminder of what can happen, even to those you love. Even though most of my scars were healed in my change, my scars from my boyfriend and best friend can still be seen. I still carry the marks to prove that even the 'protectors' lose control every once in a while. You know the phrase, 'We're only human'?" I asked. I got several chuckles from that.

"Obviously, the saying didn't quite fit in our case but the sentiment does. Humans, Werewolves, Shape-shifters, and Vampires alike…none of us are perfect. There are times that we are captive to our instincts. It is the way that we live our lives that define us. We do the best we can. There are evil people of all races, it is how we strive to live our lives that matters. We must work together if we want to live in peace, if we want to be free to simply live our lives. Can't we all just get along?" I asked, hoping to break up my emotional speech with some humor. I was pleased when I heard most of the group laughing with me.

Just like that, the tension between us was gone. We alternated between making plans and getting to know one another and learning to understand. Many of the former Guard had captivating stories of being forced or coerced to serve. We came together and we listened, we learned, and we understood. For many, it was the first time in a long time that they had hope.

ooo000ooo

The last couple days had been terribly stressful, but we'd all finally gotten some preliminary plans in place and had agreed on a date for an official meeting for making everything official. The New York pack had returned home and the vampires were starting to return to their homes as well.

This morning Jake had told me that the elderly tribal Shaman, Onawa, had asked me for a favor. I wasn't so sure about this whole thing. Being around humans was still very new and very scary to me.

"Are you sure she knows what I am?" I asked for third time.

"Of course she knows what you are, Bella. She is the Shaman. She is the one that got me to trust you. She said that she needs you today," Jake said.

"I'm still new at this, Jake," I said, trying to get out of this, but feeling bad at the same time.

"You said you did sensitization training with Carlisle," Jake pointed out.

"Yes, but it isn't perfect," I said, knowing I'd lost.

"She _needs_ you, Bells," Jake insisted.

I ignored him, but instead started running toward our destination. Jake wasn't far behind me when I stopped at the tree line. I looked at the fenced yard of the home for battered women. The home was very private, but had a secure, homey feel, but I could still feel the depression, guilt and fear in the air. I saw Onawa the Shaman, who I'd met a couple times before, talking to a small group of women. She could be very cryptic and mystical at times, but she had a big heart. Seeing her now with my new eyes and with my new gift, I truly _see_ her now. I felt privileged to be in her presence. She had a beautiful soul. I could feel now how similar her soul was to the wolves. When I finally embraced my gift, I found my perception of things had changed quite a bit. When I looked at the wolves, I could sometimes see their spirits in a wolf form. It would be impossible to clearly describe. When I looked at the Shaman, I could see the same thing. Her spirit self was an eagle. She was beautiful.

I got back to the task at hand, and realized that my gift was easy to use on humans. I closed my eyes and opened my senses. I could feel the darkness surrounding the home, as well as the light. They already had hope. That would make it easier. As Onawa's speech came to its climax, I lifted the pain, fear, anger, and darkness from them all at once and slowly lifted it away from them. The breeze blew through my hair and I felt the hairs on the back of my neck prickling.

I turned my head to the side and opened my eyes. There were two trucks coming up the road. The trucks' windows were open and the breeze carried the smell of the stale beer the men had been drinking. An abusive husband and father had come with some of his friends to take his family back. They were nothing more than possessions to him, but they were his and he would do with them as he pleased. The things he had done…he deserved his fate. As they threw the trucks into park down the road a ways, and started gathering their guns, the darkness of the man's victims, his family, began to descend on them. The pain was so much that they did not make a sound. They cowered on the ground in fear.

I knew that Jake's understanding of the world had changed a lot, and that mine had as well, when Jake made a quick phone call on his cell phone. We waited silently as five vampires arrived on the scene, nodded toward our hiding spot, and…took out the trash in a manner of speaking. They took the trucks away to be disposed of and that was that.

"I'm surprised at you, Jake," I said quietly as we walked at human speed back through the woods.

"I knew that man," he said quietly. "He was married to Sarah's sister. I know the things he's done. Their little boy, Zack, he's just six years old. He's told me things. That man…he needed to die," Jake said shaking his head.

"That makes me a bad person, doesn't it?" Jake asked, with a pained look on his face. I hadn't seen that vulnerability on his face in many years.

"No, Jake. That doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a realistic person. You are right. He needed to die. I made sure he knew what pain he'd caused before he died. Maybe I'm wrong, Jake. This gift can give me a skewed perspective, a God-complex, I suppose, but that man…he needed to die. He can't hurt anyone now, and five of my kind got the blood they need to sustain themselves. Perhaps this does make me a monster, Jake, but I just can't see it as being a bad thing," I explained quietly. I did feel guilt, some anyway. I didn't feel one ounce of regret, however.

"Maybe we _are_ both monsters, but so was he," Jake said.

**Epilogue**

"I do," I said, and Jasper's blinding smile lit up the room. The red and orange sunrise behind him was almost ethereal.

"In front of God and these witnesses, I pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss your bride," Eleazar said.

Jasper swept me off my feet, dipping me back and kissed me like I was the most precious thing in the world. I felt as though my chest would burst from happiness. We were back at our house in the mountains, the sun was just rising, gifting us with the most beautiful sunrise.

Emmett coughed loudly and our friends and family all started laughing. We finally broke apart. Jasper gently placed me back on my feet.

"There's plenty of time for that later, Lovebirds," Emmett laughed.

I looked around with love at our family and friends, friends who had fought with us in Forks and came to Canada to celebrate with us. Vampires, Werewolves, and Shape-shifters alike.

Half of them would be gone tomorrow. Carlisle and Esme had decided that they were going to help set up the new government. Neither wanted a permanent part in it, but they wanted and needed to do their civic duty. Carmen and Eleazar were planning on a more direct role in things. Garrett and Kate had not decided what they wanted to do long term, but would be there for the first Supernatural Summit. Marcus and Siobhan, who were close but not yet mated, were planning on being there as well, but wanted nothing to do with leadership itself. Many of our gathered friends were going with them, most just to support the others and to help where needed. Members of both packs of wolves were there for our wedding and they also were traveling to the summit. It made my heart swell to see those I loved coming together and working together for a greater goal.

We laughed and danced all day long. It made me appreciate my family all the more. I was home. I had so many that I loved, and so many that loved me. I would never again take for granted all that life had given me. Sure, life had taken a lot away, but I had been given so much more.

"Are you ready for the honeymoon, my wife?" Jasper whispered in my ear, his breath tickling me.

"I am always ready for you, my husband," I said. We quickly said our goodbyes and then Jasper took my hand in his and we ran toward our future together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
